when seeking distraction, besides the computer chess, there is ruzzle... and while playing other people would be ok, i am more looking for solitary distraction so playing the computer or the app works well for me... selfishness is necessary during this period of adjustment to not working and job hunting... and staying awake all night to enjoy the quiet and simultaneously enjoy the solitude and lament the loneliness... maybe a little (or a lot) like dr. who (where is my clara?)... but this life i live is not is story life fiction, this is not a fantasy, not anything like what we watch on the tv or see in the movies... this is life, life as i know it... and real as it can be, my illusion, my dream... and every now and then, my nightmare... when i do not believe i deserve prosperity... when i do not believe i am worth success... when i do not believe anyone will ever truly love me unconditionally... i self-destruct... as i did once again this year... 2015, another year of burning myself out and giving up on the dream... another year of wondering if anyone will care enough to save me when i let myself fall... and testing the waters to see if the world will simply let me die...
yeah, like i said, i still have ruzzle...
narf :}
Saturday, November 28, 2015
still have ruzzle
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