long wandering evening

we went to a lot of stores tonight... jackson needed to go xmas shopping and i went along... panera bread, joanne fabric, barne's & noble, michael's, kohl's, lowe's, walmart, target, dunkin' donuts, cvs, and probably a few others i am forgetting... i was not going shopping, i was just going along... i found new shoes and bought a bunch of xmas stuff and we have a tree now... unfortunately we forgot our tree stand was sledge-hammered into the base of the tree we bought last time we used it (two years ago) by the guy at the tree place and he used a vice to hold the tree to sledge-hammer it on the the stand... so we went back out for a tree stand and three stores were sold out... we gave up... so tomorrow we will look for a tree stand because we don't have a sledge hammer or a vice and my arm is not ready to swing one anyway...

and so the tree is still not up... we have an expensive tree top, a snowflake star with lights... it had to be twist tied to the tree though, which was weird... i wonder if it is supposed to hang from the ceiling... anyway, it was an adventure and it's just coming to a close for today as jackson put our names on our stockings and is going to bed...

snack time for me...

dog farts

happiness has a whole lot of gas today... he must have eaten some off-diet food yesterday or a lot of his canned food cuz he sure is stinking up the place today... wonder if he did this yesterday too when jackson was home and i was out having fun at disney... he's also begging to go outside more often each day which correlates with the increasing urine smells we find here and the increase in urine accidents he's been having... alas, we've got to live with the aging process (and the expenses it brings... hopefully they won't charge much when we move out... the new place charges over $400 non-refundable pet fee so that should cover the cost of new carpet there lol... gotta laugh, even when it cuts into feeding ourselves, snark :}

we keep the doors and windows open a lot :)

wtf is mylife.com

and why are they posting my personal information on the web?... i search the web for my name (that is, one of my names, cuz i have many, especially in this online world) and and up comes this mylife dot come site and i search for other names i've been known by and find even more detailed profiles including where i've lived and friends i've known along the way... it is quite interesting and a bit unpleasant to find personal details on a site i have no access to... and then i signed up and they want money for access...

scam?... legal?... both answers are questionable...

so wtf is mylife.com and why are they posting my personal info on the web?....

i will let you know if i choose to explore further... they have a number to call for information, but i don't feel like spending time with a csr on the phone at the moment, especially not if they are just going to give me a sales pitch or worse, ask me for any personal information over the phone...

it is an amazingly greedy culture we live in these days... sad...

bright house sucks

two weeks into the service and it's gone, connects for a minute or few at ridiculously slow speed (less than 100kbps) and then disconnects... can't even update the virus files and i have to take time out of my life to wait for a cable guy, twice in the first month...

i desperately need sleep anyway... won't put up with this too long... they must get this a lot cuz the tech guy gave me a free month... so i am back on the att aircard... bad news for brighthouse because the aircard is faster than the brighthouse after a two week trial... and they claim up to 50mbps?... that sucks...

and how are you? :)

maybe i should feel used

i figured something out tonight... every time i give more money away, i want to eat something decadent... it is partly a self-indulgence urge... and it is partly a ptsd effect lingering from my homeless days... see, there was leftover pizza in the fridge from a while back (was it actually from last wednesday?... wow, i didn't even realize how old it was... anyway, i ate it with other leftovers even though most of my mindset has been on healthier food this week... giving money away was the trigger to say fuck it, i'll eat what i want, who cares and all that self-indulgent rationalization of enjoying the rush of taste bud stimulation without concern for waistline or food content...

i keep telling myself i am helping people, kids in a tough spot, kids i adopted when they were littler kids, kids who depend on me... but i don't have a new laptop or new car or furniture or music system or plenty of other things i would have much fun with largely because i give away most of my extra money... i tell myself they appreciate it and it's not that they are taking advantage of me, but they have just had bad luck and... i tell myself i am a good person for giving, that it feels good to give, that someone will someday understand and appreciate me and give me the unconditional love i give to others... not to suggest giving money will bring me love, because i know the beatles were right, but giving unconditionally is not just about money... money is just the easiest thing to give because there are so many ready and willing to take it... ultimately, i do not think i am trying to buy anything and i'd like to buy myself a new laptop and fun stuff, but someone i care about eating and having a roof over their head is more important to me than my having yet another new toy...

so should i feel used?... maybe... i have no biological or legal obligations to anyone... i have no family obligations to anyone other than the emotional bonds i choose... so i help people get out into life... and i help people get through school... and i help people keep a roof over their heads and i buy people food... and maybe i am enabling or maybe i am being used, but i don't have to feel used...

but is my giving ways yet another reason i do not have a partner in this life?... now there's a whole 'nother path to ponder some other time... for now, i really must get a hold of the trigger, eating because i let myself feel used and lonely is such a foolish choice...

so whether i am foolish or not, foolish is as much a matter of perspective as not, and who would really come care to closer enough for long enough to really know for sure... from far away, the knowledge is thin, after all... and me, i fluctuate, naturally... so many i am just waiting for someone to care enough, to be here enough, to understand and appreciate and respect and love enough... or maybe i am just trying to buy value because i have no partner to reflect and reassure up close and personal today for a long long time...

what?... you expected maybe a decision?...

nite nite :}

home again (diggidy?)

whatever it means, i found the aches from this morning fade away after eating lunch, which was a big pile of raw spinach, a few ounces of black beans and a few ounces of chick peas and four cherry tomatoes and five or six broccoli tops and later in the afternoon, some ice tea (with splenda)... crazy, but the protein drink i found (50 calories, 10 gm protein, 16 ounces) must have rebuilt the muscles that were aching like crazy this morning (omigosh, it's a miracle, i am still getting younger... no wonder i keep giggling)...

i got home from softball about three hours ago (we won, finally, 11-9... i struck out at least six... struck out the side one inning... they still hit well when they were not striking out... we hit well in the first inning scoring 6 (i made the last out with a runner on third, sucks to be me that inning... i drove in the last two runs though with a bases loaded two out single to right, so i made up for the first inning fart... and anyway, i find (getting home) a notice that the fire marshall is due for an inspection on wednesday, so i decided to do two loads of laundry while cleaning and rearranging boxes (sort of unpacking a little_ and wow, there's a lot more room in this place now... a few more hours after the movie tomorrow (yeah, tomorrow night it's a movie with friends) and the place might even look more like an apartment than a storage garage... amazing, huh?... who knows what might come next :)

i should probably sleep now... though craig fergie is on... what is most amazing is i didn't talk myself into eating something... not even a 120 calorie vegetable soup that called out my name when i put yesterday's shopping away... i still didn't have time to shop more today, which might suck because publix (supermarket) had a seriously decent sale on veggies yesterday,.. i'm so not frugal these days... just one more thing somebody can save me from myself about, cha know... i've become so human, aye?...

and yet, i still want you to know (even if i am not exactly sure why all the time)... hope you are enjoying your night :)

feeling lighter

at least the wallet is... meanwhile, feeling tired... must be waking in a deeper stage of sleep... and a flood of carbs last night after a few days of minimal carnbs doesn't help... and probably somewhat emotionally drained as well... i feel especially alone (and lonely) in this world when i give a whole lot away... giving is wonderfuly, but i miss sharing... when will the right one come along, anyway... anyway, must wake up, big day today...

so what is up (or down) in your world? :)

actually, what happened was...

raspy hasn't been working since he got back from the ukraine last october and for my wallet it's kind of remained halloween... and a few hours ago it got sadly ridiculous... precious showed up crying cuz... she hasn't paid her two credit cards since october or november and both were being charged at least $70 a month late and over the limit fees... last week she got a ticket for not re-registering her car which was due in december... and last night she was stopped again and got five tickets, no registration, tail lights, no insurance, no seat belt, and not changing her address on her license (since last august)... and then there's school projects she's skipping (which means failing) because she doesn't have the money for the supplies needed, or books, for that matter... and she never did get the wheels aligned so the new tires i bought her won't last as long as they could... what a day to go for a pap smear, aye?... maybe i shouldn't have talked her into going back this semester when she was considering taking the semester off, but who'd have thought rasputin would abandon her like this... i can understand enjoying time off and livinmg on unemployment insurance, but when you've comitted to putting your kid through college, it's kind of bad timing... so anyway, a bit more than $1000 later, her credit cards are under their limits and she has money for the tickets, car, school, food, and so on...

these moments feel lonelier than most others... yeah, that's life... tomorrow i've got to call minnie who just lost her job and needs help feeding the kid and paying rent and all the other life expenses... this is not starting out as a very good year financially, is it?... well, luckily i love giving, but it's getting out of hand... must take inventory soon... and re-read this entry a few times to remember that i really must learn how to set limits... are we laughing at me?... sheesh, and all :}

hours on the phone with att

netowrk issues... i've realized that since getting a more consistent 3g network signal, i am getting consistently slower downloads and uploads... well, i haven't had time to spend on the phoen to sort it out, but tonight i suddenly could no longer download mail or browse the web and the connection manager said i was connected, so i called att... i finally had to tell the very nice techie that i needed to get off the phone, so they set up service ticket and they will call back... the thing is, looking at my schedule, they won't find me home at my computer anytime they call back until february 3rd, at least...

i am buying a new laptop this weekend... this old cluncker is fine for sitting on a desk as a desktop, but i need a portable one... the decision will be between an eee machine or a bigger, but much lighter than this one, model... cost and impulse must strike a compromise... and i';ve got to remember i am covering precious' rent for february and laying out the money for the tennessee trip next week... raspy, get a job and buy me a laptop, dangit... actually, you can cover a few and then some, a nice stereo too... furniture... a complete tuneup for the car... yeah, i'll keep dreaming... he'll be rich someday and pay be back... no more loans for trips to the unkraine until he does though :}

did you know that korea and japan average over 16mbs (megabytes per second) download speed?... and the usa average is under 6mps... dozens of countries are way ahead of us in technology, including internet speed, which is communication for business and people (and government, military, security, and so on... who's computers will communicate faster in a crisis?... not the usa computers, that's for sure)... and when i personalize this it gets much worse... the usa southeast average?... 2mps... and att average download speed in this area?... 0.5mps... and my connection?... between 0.03mps and 0.1mps... scary slow...

so ok, a change is in order... but for the short term, i need to find time to get the laptop and i won't have time tomorrow or friday unless i take more time off work and that's ridiculous with the load on my desk, so i should have done it tonight and doh, i was on the phone with att from about 7:30pm until now... saturday morning?... must be... so how was your evening? :)

suddenly, last summer

seems to far away when i took this job and agreed to do the pi and not the rm... meanwhile, an interesting day with a beautiful girl to look at and talk to (and imagine making love to, cuz what else does a corporate mogul do with his day, after all) as i listened to stuff i already knew and openly said for the second time that i was being trained for a second time (first time was last october) for a job that is not my job, not by title, responsibility, authority, performance evaluation, nor pay... see, all year the boss gradually dumped more and more rm work on my plate and i took it primarily because i wanted to see how much of it i could do comfortably without an assistant cuz i trusted him to renegotiate my salary at my annual review even though he said he would renegotiate earlier if he asked me to do RM work and yet the annual review came and went and there's been no renegotiation cuz he is still working on the budget and ftes and other management stuff... and so i talked to the rm vp who was doing the training today without pulling any punches and they were surprised at how little i was being paid and the rm vp will speak to the division president (my boss's boss) about it and she said she knew how to do it so i wouldn't get any flack (huh?) and we shall see what shall be when i get back to orlando... hopefully i will have a job... hopefully i will have internet... wonder what i'd do if i got fired and suddenly had a year lease and expenses of $1200 a month, at least, to cover... never had to think about stuff like this last summer, suddenly (so why is it so easy to laugh?... maybe because there was some genuine glee in the air today... ya for glee :)