still awake, but vegetative

buzzing a lot cuz the snacks and goodies are still around and this is the final weekend before the healthy fasting weight dropping serious exercising and all that starts again (or so the rumor goes) and the football continues in the background on the tv as ohio state just won the rose bowl (and if they could only bear a southeast conference team, rasputin could die happy... i wonder if he and his brother went to the game since he is living with his brother in arizona these days... i wonder if he is working yet... anyway, i like to see ohio state win cuz he and precious are such big fans)... and now, the florida game...

i expect florida to blow out cinncinati mostly because cincy doesn't have their coach cuz their coach took a job with notre dame and the rules say he has to completely abandon his committment to the players he recruited and coached all year just before the biggest game of the season and quite likely the biggest game of most of their lives... that simply sucks and is the worst example of sportsmanship and leadership the ncaa provides, not to mention a potentially humiliating betrayal for the young kids in college...

the other reason i expect a blow out is cuz cincy does not play anyone close to florida's caliber all year and while i am very turned off by the arrogance and stupid macho immaturity prevailing amongst florida fans (and many media mouths), they are very well recruited, training, coached and prepared for their games in every way except sportsmanship and maturity. so they can win big and win a lot, if not well (so representative of the worst of us arrogance in the world, but that's a whole other grating of the flesh, aye?)...

football is, in many ways, like war... but as ridiculous as it is, there are even rules of conduct in war... never mind, ridiculous it is :}

i''ll probably nod off during this game since it's the last of the day and i've not slept since last year and it'll probably not interest me for a myriad of reasons... the highlights will be on tomorrow... i hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing this first day of the new year :)

new year, happy

ah, the dog is missed, happy dog, that is... the only one who ever offered me truly unconditional love, as primitive as it might have been... perhaps that's the secret of actualizing unconditional love, letting it come from the primitive instinctive depths of the brain...

home after the party where we chatted, watched some football, chatted some more, and ate like pigs... i picked up a ton of food and there wee lots of leftovers... i sad no to a half dozen other parties, much wilder, much bigger parties, but it was good to hang peacefully at jackson's cuz i'd have tried to stay home if and take care of me if she didn't invite me over... i might as well face it, i don't give myself nearly enough me time... even when it seem to, i'm mostly distracting myself and not really taking care of me... but hey, that's just the early morning hours of a new year after a party talking, right?...

so maybe this will be the year i finally return to the place i belong, inside and out, and find the one and start living that happily ever after togetherness that i've been dreaming about beneath the seriously irreverent self-mocking carefree demeanor... or something like that...

happy new year :)

home again

the place is a wreck, piles of laundry, boxes half packed/unpacked, and just way too much stuff i do not use sitting around gathering dust... the habits must change, which is probably the best reason for me to enter into another roommate situation...

we should know by the end of this week, i think... in the mean time, i should try to get some sleep tonight... and start eating less sugar, fat, and party food... so get on that, right... uh-huh...

and then...

i wonder how many times i titled an entry and then with or without ellipses or parenthetic subtitles), but anyway, this came forth from a response to a comment that summed up the day just fine, so it's an entry cuz it's e-thereal...

yes, it's been a long day... up early for work and work work work and mostly wandering around doing as i please (cuz directors cando that, oh so important and all, ya know), but it's still work work work (and fun) and then softball, unfortunately, as the team got knocked out of the playoffs tonight, which is fine on one level as i need a break and this team can be frustrating due to inconsistent committment, effort, skill, balance, and too many players) and also has another pitcher (my two championship teams don't) and then off to hang with the team while waiting to head to the midnight movie (3-d i-max premiere of avatar (with free passes at universal studios, cool, aye?... it was great, especially for tree-huggers) and then hang a bit more and home to home-made pizza and middle of the night tv cuz twilight zone fit perfectly with the sci-fi arty mood) and now... chocolate cream (or creme) pie... life is good...

i have no intention of going to work today, naa naa :)

and as if this wasn't a wonderful enough day, there, to widden my smile even more, a comment from a dear old friend that inspired a quick catch up of the day that became this entry... isn't life amazing?... fun?... simple?... well, life is something, isn't it?...

whatever it is, enjoy it :)

too late for tv

which is a blessing since i watch way too much tv these days and it is draining what remaining brain cells i have of their potential for the leap to the next level of conscious awareness that i have flittered with a few times in this life, but found it not as fun as the sharing that can be done on the lower levels of consciousness cuz without someone else there, the sharing is one sided (which isn't actually sharing, if you follow even a bit of the flow of these words)...

so anyway, a call came in inviting me to a last minute game night in deltona, which is north almost half way to daytona, and i headed up and had fun and am just getting home... pigged out a bit, which is a foolish start to this weekend as i have two more parties and not much exercise planned due to the injuries... but fun, much fun and the solitary sensual pleasures of food is better than none...

on the injury front, the knee is still on and off at the poimnt where it was hit by the batted ball and there's some sort of ache when weather changes which really sucks and probably had a lot to do with the hamstring pull... the hamstring is getting better, i walk up and down stairs ok and only have pain when trying to bend or push off, so running would not be wise, but i should be able to drag myself to first base if they need me to play thursday night... sleep and vitamins and the right food helped a whole lot, now if i only get more sleep next week...

so on goes the music (i really need to get the hard drive loaded with the cds on the shelves so i can actually listen to all the music i've got and then decide what more i want and make mixes and get back into music and myself and the life and times of the person i used to be before i gave myself away to folk who wouldn't nurture or appreciate what they had... yeah, a really truly best friend would be a nice blessing too...

so how was your night in your life? :)

nauseating culture

slowing down to see an accident, going to auto races to see crashes, watching boxing or ultimate fighting, gung ho warriors invading other countries, and the prostitutes pretending to be moralists all over the world as they sell sex and religion and soap and gossip and war and butting into other people's lives and corn flakes and judgmental false superiority and above all else exploitation of anything and everything with guilt and fear all in the name of making money and the pretense of family and god (in that order)...

and oh, how humans love to tear down their heroes... are people really so insecure that they swarm to the lynching just to somehow feel some false sense of superiority watching someone else fall or fail or get beaten, destroyed, or somehow get put down?... and the latest exploited target of all the suck-up faux-news media and gossip hounds is tiger woods... have you found this blog entry by googling for dirt on the once greatest golfer and one of the most popular cultural icons of the past decade?... is if cuz he's black? (oh sure, and is Britney or Lindsay or Letterman black?)... no, the bigger and more loved the star (and the more sex involved), the more ardor there is to take them down and tsk tsk them all the way to church on sunday cuz that makes you better than them, right?...

so afraid of sex, of reality, of truth, the human race lives in the delusions and fears and ignorance perpetuated by greedy power hungry control freaks for millennia... am I all that different?... yes, but I fake it well on the surface so you may never know…

snark…

could have been more

there was a whole day to write, really, so there could have been more, much much more, actually, if i chose to come here, but then, i didn't for the same reason i don't twitter (even though i opened an account there more than a year ago, or so), cuz i would not want to bore myself (or you) to tears with the same "still nothing new" twits every fifteen minutes, or hour, even... and if you want to know the news or ball scores or weather, you don't need me to twitter that to you... but it wasn't the porn, it was cuz i got nostalgic and started missing you and those who knew me when...

so anyway, there was an amusing moment tonight that brought twitter to mind and you can find the shocking truth elsewhere, bullsugar, if you know what i mean... i am feeling lonelier than usual tonight, even physically... horny?... and i am usually such a self-sufficient independent content-in-my-solitude kind of guy, aye?... way too content-in-my-solitude for my own romantic heart's good, i imagine... not to mention other organs...

yup, diggity too...

so how was yours? :)

for no apparent reason

sometimes i put off uploading a new entry because the current entry is pure genius, or more precisely, poignantly full of some information i with everyone could and would read and if i put another entry out there, that current entry slips into the abyss of the archives where some of the most brilliant (or personally representative of me) entries sit unnoticed for years or even, forever... so rather than delay the pending flood of entries that are bubbling up today in the few hours i have to sit and vegetate here in front of the computer and tv (not that there's anything on the boob toob around here on saturdays), i will include links to the profoundly vital entries i am overstating with delusions of grandeur and poor spelling right here and elsewhere as i ramble on today and possibly, other days as well (look for them, that's the game, even more of a build-up, aye?... ah, the self-mockery of self-importance and arrogance of narcissism still amuses me after all these years)... and since we know you wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if you didn't know this, you can thank me later... and so, onward...

yes, in the interest of your sanity and future children we might have, let it be known that you must have all of the qualities (did ya see, did ya see?... it's a link!... shhhh, don't tell anybody) and more to get close to me, though if you hum a few bars you can fake it for a while, especially if loneliness is strong, but then you need to know that we only would be sharing fantasy bubbles that burst at random moments (even if they are euphoric and/or orgasmic before they do), so forewarning and all that, aye... seriously, your sense of humor must be flexible or it'll brobably break trying to keep up with mine (mine does pilates in it's sleep) if you really want to get close and try to know me... one test could be if you laugh at, and more importantly with craig ferguson, then you may have enough silliness in your sense of humor to appeal to my lofty tom-snootery (you'll have to write in for the definition if you don't already get it)... ah, but you may already misunderstand and be put off by your limited mind...

meanwhile, if you really know (or study, which requires a post doctorate degree, but kindergarteners have been known to get it too) a look at my history it should relieve any sense of offensive superiority you might have assumed i assumed, or presumed, or consumed, for that matter as the power of words demolishes any modicum of composure anyone might have when they arrive (but before you start thinking it's just like old times, i give you the word and remind you that you really don't know what's going on or what is real until you look into my eyes and sit and talk honestly for a spell cause all this internet babbling is fun and amusing (to me, at least), but cuz i love to play with my head, your head might get played with as well and even though i mean no harm, you might find confusion in my delusions and if we don't share the same illusion then misunderstanding is likely to follow, so take me with a grain, or a truckload of salt, for that matter, ya folla?...

are we having fun yet? :)

making rounds

ok, i'm down, or at least i was a little while ago... i expected to pitch tonight because i didn't pitch last week and the pitcher blew it big and i had pitched the previous four games and we won all four, but they had eleven guys for the first time in seven or eight weeks and they decided i'd be on the bench... i could have stayed home and gotten some rest... i did dh, but i was not into it and watched a third strike go by after lining out to short, both times with runners on second and third with two outs... i did get on the next two times, but i really got the sense that i was not part of the team... most of the guys were friends before the league started and it showed more as the season progressed until the last two games i would have been better off not showing up... nobody loves, me, not even the worms...

waah waaah waaaaah... yeah, poor poor pitiful me...

so i drove home and flew by a state trooper facing in the other direction and decided it would be a good time to slide over and take an early exit from the expressway just in case he was turning and i decided to take a detour to shop cuz i need soap (but what i really wanted was a decadent snack), but i never made it to the store because there was the sign... krispy onion krystals... or is that kryspy onion krystals... it matters to the y... meanwhile, i bought six with bacon and cheese... and then i bought six regular krystals with bacon and cheese... and then i bought a chocolate shake with whipped cream... and then i skipped shopping and came home...

twelve krystals later, and the chocolate shake with whipped cream, here we are, mostly happilly bloated (the bloated part is why it's only mostly... if only i could pig out without the bloat and without gaining weight, that would be a seriously real step toward a heaven for me... falling in love with the one falling in love with me would be the big enchillada, but stuffing enchilladas without gaining, that would be a seriously real step, yes it would... are you listening god?... it's piggy... margaret sent me... sort of... what's your heaven like?)...

so anyway, the loneliness of not having the one or the group of friends i can really get into (has it been that long?... wow, a long long long time... i am just not into the social thing unless i am in love) is a weight (boy, and i am carrying it a long time, aye?... musical theme music?)... the food definitely perked the body up a lot though and the euphoric druggy feeling that comes from pigging out is definitely wonderful... but anyway, here's the real, i mean, thereal, and not just thereal, but the real, downbeat style... i mean, just in case you thought i never got down or stupidly self-pathetic anymore (i mean, it has been a while, i mean, if you've been reading you'd know that, i mean, if you cared, narfenstein)...

all i ever needed was the one...

i should have bought more snacks...

or at least chocolate cream pie...

or ring dings or something...

or keebler fudge sticks...

yum... yeah... snacks...

ummmm, burp...

narf...

la...

:}

life is a song

at the risk of repeating myself (risk?... what a silly saying), the song is on repeat in my brain (it happens now and then when a song catches my imagination... and it helps when there's a person or performance or visual or a video that inspires laughter or some other memorable emotion... the more affected the effect {or effected the affect}, the long it lasts and the longest lasting end up in my top hundred or higher of all time, which i'll tell you about one day if you are into music, want to know me, and are too lazy to find it in my web world yourself, nyuk, nyuk), so you might as well get used to it cuz it's playing all around me for the moment...

meanwhile, life goes on... how's yours? :)

frying brain cells

beer, sleep deprivation, softball, so much to do (fun and life chores and work) and wondering how many brain cells i fried this weekend so far... i'll catch up some more when i am more awake... too much to do, must prioritize... too sleepy... maybe a nap... what must be done before the nap... reservations, laptop... too late for laptop?... i think so... in the morning?... is there time?... dangit, bzzzzft! :)

on call

the last on-call weekend was a breeze, nothing at all... didn't even remember i was on-call... this weekend, so far, i spent seven hours at work (they woke me yesterday so there was no recovery time from the marathon no-sleep of thursday and friday) yesterday... and they woke me this morning so i'm heading back in now for an hour or two... an investigation and two admissions, so far... luck of the draw... i think i slept about five hours since wednesday... then there's softball later... just barely made it to last night's party... fun... bzzzzzzt in the head... not getting sleep recovery time, which sucks, but at least i am off tomorrow (much yayness... it's a holiday in my calendar, after all)... and no time for writing, yet...

but love ya and keeping in touch anyway :)

just cuz i can, i will...

back-trak, i mean, catch-up, sorta... insert an entry after the fact, to be blunt, cuz it can be done... suddenly i have an extra couple or more hours in my world cuz the rains came and there's no softball practice... boo... but there's more time for me and words and whatever... yay... so this might be the glue that makes sense out of yesterday and tomorrow... or not...

anyway, yesterday and the day before, this entry being for saturday, after all, was insane in a much fun and service industry kind of way... but then, like so many others who've visited this planet, i am here to serve man... and find a woman to serve with me, but that's besides the point of the past days and tomorrow, which i will also catch up on sort of like glue here and now, yesterday...

with extra cheese pepperoni pizza and chocolate shake as my guides, i delve (or dive) into whatever and come up with... yesterday's entry sums up yesterday pretty well... and tomorrow's entry sums up today and tomorrow pretty well... so what are we here for, anyway?...

where are those doe-eyed monsters when i need one?...

summary?... well, in the midst of my dream sleep catch-up from the two day marathon awake time, the phone rang and work needed me... an investigator show up and nobody knew what to do, so i went in and took care of business (risk manager hat)... as i was walking out the door i notice a sheriff ready to bring a kid in baker act (involuntary admission)... so i put on my admissions on-call hat and did the assessment and insurance verification and suddenly, it was time to rush to a shower for the party i promised i'd go to and then, party... then home to try to sleep, but early sunday morning (which would be tomorrow, according to the date-time stamp on this entry, ya know the game), ring ring another baker act admission at 7am... i told them i'd be in around noonish... the phone kept ringing, precious, softball, whatever, and sleep was broken, but still any sleep is good for me... i went in around 1 and got home about an hour ago and it's almost 5pm sunday and now, we're all caught up, again, with glue, even... aye?...

ok, so i barely slept and did not have time to come to words, so the babbling that were starting up again have paused, but obviously, as exhibited by this entry, the urge to babble continues so tonight may be another killer night (being tomorrow night, that which is being referred to, in this choppy sentence, structure)...

i miss you, simple as that...

oh, wait, that was the answer to the question so why am i here?...

and now you know... i hope your weekend is wonderful too...

who really wants thereal?

ethereal is so much easier, so much less obligation to be real, obviously, and so much less what?... threatening?... vulnerable?... uncomfortable?... work?

yesterday was a long and tiring day in which i got a lot accomplished at work and was asked for a lot more because nobody actually knows what i do, the lament of a number cruncher in a world afraid of math (and geeks everywhere laugh, unless of course you're depressed and then, well, get over it and find other geeks who understand... obviously i'm trying, don'tcha see? :)

it ended with a solid win in softball, would have been a shutout but i always offer sympathy pitches in the last inning when we're way ahead, so the game ended 14-2... yay team... jackson came out to play with us too... yay jackson... and then we went to ale house where i pigged out, fool, and this morning i feel sick cuz i either ate too much or something wasn't all that good, maybe the shrimp, cuz i woke several times in the past five hours to upset stomach and loose poop...

thereal, not exactly in your face, but out here... and yesterday started with yet another entry and so many entries recording thereal, the life, is it me?... well, it's not memorex... some sort of hybrid, perhaps, waiting for someone to invest in the birthing or something like that... life as i know it...

what's yours like, really?...

yay anyway!

hey, i'm just gonna party all the time and you're welcome to jump in whenever you feel like it... that's the way thereal is these days... we are the champions and all that, cuz that's what is thereal inside of me when i am not forgetting or otherwise distracting myself from myself with stupid human tricks and an in one of those fuck the world, i ain't getting off places where life goes on with or without me, or you, or the other, or the stuff, or the one, or anything and everything, even... the needy can probably line up and take everything at the moment cuz it's just that way, living, loving, feeling all right in the moment... and i really don't feel all that manic (but i'll lam anyway :)

so another work day spent waiting for others to get their work (and helping them get it done) done so i can start mine passes into history and the day ends in an evening with lasagna and the internet... laundry waits and maybe it'll get done tonight... the unpacking waits and maybe a little more tonight... godot waits and it's about dang time cuz i'm been waiting on that sucker for too many lifetimes... everybody waits, sometimes...

and me, for better or worse i've learned to enjoy being alone so much that even the lonelies are like a big fluffy cloud i watch floating by and when they get heavier, i bounce them around like a big balloon... maybe (shhhh, that's telling) that's the real reason i remain alone, i just don't want to get into human depressions and therapy relationships anymore... and that's thereal report for today...

whatever is going on or off, whatever is right, wrong, overwhelming, or missing, i hope you are making you life fun too :)

some days...

i woke with that sharp pain in my chest again, on the left, not like a heart pain, more like a muscle except the pain is it's worst when i laugh or cough or take a deep breathe or hiccup, even... so after an hour at work i decided to go to the doctor... when will i finally just give up on modern medicine?...

no more walk in clinic, that's for sure... the doctor there spent 30 seconds with me, charged a dollar a second, and said go to the emergency room... i debated a half hour or so, drove back to work, sat in the parking lot, then drove to the emergency room... just wanting a doctor to at least listen to my chest and tell me it's not a pneumonia...

the emergency room, however, has a protocol for chest pains that costs a fortune and keeps a patient overnight... admit me?... what?... no thanks, just start your tests and i'll bail when i get bored...

so they stuck me and x-rayed me and iv-ed me and stuck a nitrogycerine patch on me and ekg-ed me and then, actually used a stethoscope... and then i took a nap for an hour or two while they processed the tests... finally, after five hours (which would have been a lot longer if i didn't insist on either being fed or seeing the doctor as it was almost 3pm and i was getting a hunger headache cuz i had nothing to eat all day... i mean, were they gonna keep me overnight without feeding me?), the doctor tells me all the tests are fine so far... so far... of course, there's more money to be made...

oh, and they gave me one aspirin...

so i sign out ama (against medical advice), which may be the only way out of an emergency room these days unless you really like spending money and getting tested... and i stopped for more halloween stuff for the kids tomorrow and i'm gonna rest a bit then go play softball...

i'm tired and achy and feeling the after effects of nitro and passing a kidney stone and giving blood and probably too much chocolate this week and whatever it is that is causing the pain in the chest (probably slept wrong or strained it swinging the bat), but i am still breathing (ouch) and laughing at my continued gullibility (modern medicine, yeah sure, just another greed machine run by lawyers and bankers {who are lawyers} and insurance brokers {who are lawyers} and doctors {who are lawyers too} cuz they either are lawyers or hire them and let the lawyers run the show)...

hello, how are you today? :)

blink and it's a new day

and a new entry, if i am in touch with the moods and ebbs and flows of life within and around me... i've got pieces of babbling waiting for continuance and uploading but i've been falling asleep while writing the past few evenings so the babbler is itching (probably why i woke early even though i am still way sleepy)... waking tired and achy due to sugar/chocolate overdosing the past week, and lack of exercise, bloated and duh... not enough time for the gym though, so either tonight (which is not as happening as it needs to be) or wake even earlier tomorrow... must not forget about the body (since i'm the only one interested in it these days - oh, that's a self-zinger i should not be laughing at so easily, but then, there's no accounting for my sense of humor)...

nothing planned for this evening, so maybe i'll get motivated (and stay away from the chocolate that is all around work, including my office, cuz of the halloween think, aye?)... maybe some unpacking and moving in? (sheesh, what a life)...

so anything new or exciting going on in yours?...

how about old and mundane?...

make it fun :)

and after the car exploded, we had ice cream

yes, the belly berry berry full... a whole eggplant parm fit for two and then ice cream... ok, so no side dish like pasta or salad or soup or even a ton of breadsticks (one potato roll), but still, much food, belly full... of course i mean the imaginary we, sheesh, i mean, what am i, purple or something?... kiss kiss bang bang, love you much... oh, ahhhh, to be in love again, and sharing ice cream...

the day was a wash... an investigation, which means everything else gets put on hold and i chase managers to make sure they chase their staff for the statements the staff should have written the day before... and of course the managers don't have time to stop their daily routine to chase down and investigate an incident, so they get grumpy (well, at least one does, the other is more cheerful) and somewhat passive aggressive (and i will not be undermined or made to look incompetent by someone dragging their feet and then looking at me as i i should have done their job for them, now here that, ah ha!)... at 5pm when the state investigator arrived, i still had only two statements and had to ask for both of them... so i sent a few emails and the cno suggested we meet with her managers tomorrow morning...

so at 7pm i leave the state investigator and two sheriff deputies in the hands of the evening supervisor and race off to my softball game, changing in the car at red lights... no time to stop for caffeine or food or drink or anything... and i pitched ok, but the lack of food and rushing showed as i walked three or four and they hit very well... it did not help that the infield, especially the pitcher's mound and the batter's box, was literally a sandbox... no footing and no solid ground to push off from...

so the ice cream was good... oh, yeah, and the car outside did explode rather suddenly... unfortunatelt it did not bring mikey and his mom out to see the fireworks... maybe next time... not that i want to see cars blow up outside every day... so how was your day? :)

too late

yes, unfortunately or not, you missed your chance to console the big loser after the wounded knee came home all happy as a lark cuz life is just like that (a lark, happy, a wounded knee, you choose or paint your own) and that, my friends, is thereal...

of course i wouldn't want just anyone to be consoling anyway cuz most consoling comes with way too much self-pity and i've got enough of my own thank you very much nyuk nyuk and all that horseradish... but then, it was today...

and a swollen knee keeps me limping a bit, stiffening up when i don't move it, but otherwise i am fine cuz the pain (must be my unbelievable tolerance, aye?) hasn't gotten to my brain much (just feels like i've got my left in a keg of marshmallow flush and we {me and the leg} are walking underwater)...

work was busy, as usual... i could spend all night there and get the all the monthly reports done on time, but then, seriously now, what fun is that without someone hiding under your desk?... so i just put in the usual ten hours and a half today and tomorrow, more numbers to crunch and reports to write and investigations to tie up and dances to dance (slowly) and fun to be had by all... or at least by me...

home, to rest the knee, and consume leftovers from the olive garden... suddenly precious has a new favorite place and naturally, we went there... and i bought enough food for a week... so i'll take this week off from that health kick i got on for a week last week and see if the whole thing doesn't start all over again next week... or something like that... but it's just too much fun to break the rules, ya know?...

what can i say, all i've got these days are my taste buds and the rule breaking thrill i so adore... thank goodness for diets of the rule breaking thrill would be so much less fun... i don't know what i am doing here, really, cuz it's kind of obvious the babbler wants to play... so take care my long lost strangers... make it fun with or without me... and if you see theone, say hello for me...

nite nite :)

and so today

i woke early and wrote one of the longer entries this blog has seen (instead of going to the gym or showering) and then, off to work to do my part in the corporate game i've re-entered more and the day was full of stuff like meetings and helping others and creating new forms and playing on the computer and then, when i noticed i did not have lunch and it was almost 7pm, i decided to blow off the sushi and movie on my calendar for tonight (apologies to the meetup crowd) and come home to read and write more as if this addiction to literary sharing was not sinking it's teeth into me again...

how many years did i hope to find the one online or through words somehow and where has it gotten me again?... where's mikey when i need a good roundhouse kick to the temple?...

laugh and the whole world laughs, they say, or said, whomever they might have been... so i laugh as the ship goes down again for one more night and play harry chapin to remind me of how emotional and ridiculous life can get when you can't always get what you want and you try and try and try and still don't get what you want and ultimately, what you want is what you need cuz you want it...

i felt bloated all day and i hardly ate much last night... it's like there's a balloon inflating in my belly... and i'm not hungry... but i don't feel much like fasting, so i may eat some more of that hemp cereal... though that may be why i feel bloated... maybe it's a reaction... maybe that's a good thing... maybe i'm choosing to feel lonely alone at home when i could be out in the world with others feeling lonely... there's a lot of lonely people tonight, after all...

for better or worse, the gym calls but not enough, the sushi and movies calls, but not enough, the words call, and i shall dive into the conversation already in progress tonight and hope i survive... and that is thereal for today...