why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

why...

i do this, one minute, two minutes, even five minutes, i decide to sit and write a few words about life and the activities and experiences of the moments... all in the hope that someone will care enough to want to know… not perfectly every detail and not perfectly every moment, for i am only here a few moments out of the day, a tiny fraction of the 1440 minutes, of the the 86,440 seconds that make up a single day in the life…

and i ponder, is this not what every real close family is about, ultimately, to share those few moments of life each day, whether over a meal, or just before bed, or even on the phone for those few moments… a few moments to catch up because the caring never ends and the wanting to know how was your day is genuine…

so i do this a few moments a day, sometimes only to prove i can even when no one is around, even when no one asks… there are many who appear to share such a continuous bond... that is how i wish to share, that is the bond i wish to build and maintain, that is what i call family time, quality time… and why i am here...

to be known

what it's all about, all this writing, i think, is to be known... the dream of someone actually knowing and understanding me, who i am, what makes me tick, and what i want in life and then, helping me become all i can be and get all i want, or some measure of each... beyond the fun of the good feeling of caring and giving and the magical feeling of sharing caring, this knowing, understanding, becoming, defining and receiving experience is what life's about... isn't it? :)

i slept again most of the time since the last entry, which feels great and still, i could sleep more, and hopefully will tonight, but for now i am sitting here contemplating saturday evening and working on building up the motivation needed to start laundry, at least some laundry, and maybe even some unpacking... i hope you are enjoying your weekend and you know where to find me if you want to talk or share...

moments are all we have to share :)