false alarm

Reports of my demise have been in error, premature, even. You see, I have a farewell entry, an last-entry-ever (at least for this life as I know it), an entry scheduled for the future and, like tomorrow, it is always a day away. The thing is, for better or worse, if I don't remember to change the future date on the entry, it accidentally gets posted before I am soup. It is my final entry, after all, the entry that says farewell because the body breaths no more, the fingers type no more, the blah blah blahs no more.

I don't know exactly when that will happen, the end of the babble, but there's always hope that it will be next year, as opposed to this year, since next year, as you may have heard somewhere, is always a year away (get it?). Yeah, so I'll die tomorrow, I don't have time to die today. It's a philosophy, or something like that.

So, just in case you happened to spy those last words that slipped out here on to the internet in the past hour (and just imagine if I didn't have this sudden impulse to come here to write after being away for days and days, aye?), with much fanfare and celebration, I apologize for any stress, concern, or sorrow you may have felt.

I am not gone, only forgotten.

If you wonder why, here is a sampling of the wonders you've missed., a typical summary of food intake, for instance.. Carrots and a small low-carb tortilla smeared with fat-free cream cheese and a ribbon of grape jelly was a midnight snack after a dinner of a few slices of almost fat free ham and turkey and cheese on, you guessed it, a low-carb tortilla. A 100 calorie chocolate protein shake washed it all down. A yogurt and a shake was lunch, so today was a reduced calorie day after yesterday's all-I-could-eat pig out at the taste of Sanford food festival. That was fun.

The real, remember?

The daily blog, filed with all the daily trivia, from food to poop, from work to play, from highs to lows, and all that's in between. The daily details that make a life lived. As I said on the right, that daily chronological blog is elsewhere now. Here, at least for the last seven or five entries, entries appear rather haphazardly, randomly, and abstractly at times, as this blog was put to bed some three years ago when the daily life took a dramatic turn in another direction, a spiral downward that did not need recording, actually. Woe seldom does. It's much better now, but at the time....

Lonely days of abandonment and emptiness instead of support and repayment for betrayals and usury, the story of a life is still the same (old story). Several months went by and nobody mentioned that they noticed, but then, yet another phoenix of sorts rose, several, actually, in case it matters, and the daily life continued to be recorded for posterity. Feel free to applaud. Or just send money if that's easier.

Outrageous, no doubt.

There is a reason for everything, after all.

Someday... somehow... somewhere...

This will too.

Narf :)

12/12/12/12/12/12 again

lol... wonder what profound thought might appear here... time may tell, if i live this long and remember to return to this blog... cuz ya see, like the previous post, this post was scheduled years ago, perhaps by the mayan's themselves, cuz there was a possibility that i would not live long enough to actually post this manually, but apparently i did, sort of...

and if i didn't return, i hope life is wonderful :)

apparently i returned, or am returning, and this is the real 12-12-12, 12:12:12 entry cuz the last one that pretended to be the 12-12-12, 12:12:12 entry was actually the 12-12-12, 00:12:12 (note the subtle numerical changes), for whatever it means...

so has the world changed while we slept?... or while we were awake?...

12/12/12/12/12/12

something to do with time and space, i reckon... reckoning, that's what the mayan's said, or maybe that was the more modern interpretation... in any event (and who knows what events might be any), this entry was written in bits and pieces over the course of time starting last year or before and is all set to be posted at 12 minutes and 12 seconds after 12 on the 12th day of the 12th month of the 12th year in this millennium, for whatever it's worth to numerologists or anyone else...

maybe i will provide some actual daily life before posting, aye?...

number eleven, number eleven, number eleven

hey, it worked for number nine...

someday, i may write an entry fitting of this date, but for now, i leave these words here to be uploaded at the scheduled aforementioned time just cuz i love numbers and who knows, whether we know it or not, it might actually mean something somewhere in the universe, maybe even here...

and so i did, amazing, perhaps, especially since i have been away from writing daily and away from the internet and touched the computer only once or twice in the past week or two, but here we are... see what numbers will do?... or was it something more intuitive or profound, even... like please help my friend become mayor for a day by clicking like on her video (pass it on, she so deserves it) cuz some things (and people) are magical, ya know?...

there is something profound somewhere, if only there was time to find it... maybe before the numbers go away...

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

thousands

over the years i've written in diaries, journals, blogs, and wherever regularly so that just about every day i record thoughts, feelings, perspectives, dreams, fantasies, whatever may be borne of my own mind or just passes through from sensory input... there are more than a few threads, strings of entries (or posts) from different perspectives in my head and more than a few of the writing spaces have more than a thousand entries, this one included... if you ask why, the simple answer is i love word play, literary expression, and keeping in touch with myself and the dream of communicating with others, especially the one... care to read and ask for more and the deeper layers of meaning, reason, and rhyme (and the secrets of the multiverse, even) may appear for you as communication personalizes...

here in the primary public writing space i am skimming the surface most of the time and even those i mention are re-named to respect privacy (for others seems to want much more privacy than i do) and even when i am away from this writing space for a day or few, i am still writing somewhere... writing is for my mind what singing is for my body and spirit, exercise, release, play, connection to the core and flights of fancy to freedom and infinity (and beyond :)

if you have an affinity for the written word (or for singing and/or music), perhaps you understand... you are welcome to read along and encouraged to share your words as well, here, there, or anywhere... communication is one of the primary gifts this life offers and i love giving and receiving... hope you love what you do too :)

woke, slept, woke

relaxing day, walked and ran with happiness, ate baked clams, nodded off during really bad sci-fi movies, babbled, and filled out 93% of an eharmony profile cuz it's free this weekend... meanwhile, they only found seven "matches" for me in the entire world and only one lives within 100 miles... they won't allow a free trial to see photos, so it's pretty much a waste of time as i am not approaching anyone on a dating site without seeing their face... if someone contacts me, i'll respond, but i'm not re-locating or looking for a long distance relationship so, it was something to do... i did get an interesting report from all the profile information that i'll put up somewhere for you to read... somewhere like here...

later :)

aging graciously

not quite gracefully as i stumble a lot because i have broken my stride many times in this life and let the excess fat form and let the muscles lose form and even filled out the wrong form (figuratively) but somewhere inside remains the right formula for forming the format of formidible human form (must have done something right in my formative years) so i might put off the formaldehyde a few more years...

so at just after midnight i sit here cooling down after returning from the gym, another run to nowhere that may or may not extend this life experience, but definitely provides more energy and positivity... the body thoughts blog should provide more detail, but i am hopefully at the start of yet another climb back into the best shape this body can be in at this point in the physical life span...

may you be enjoying (and optimizing) your journey through this life as well :)

been so long

since an all-nighter was so refreshing... from the depths of the buried treasures (and the sadness that they were buried so long and still remain mostly buried, but at least remembered to the euphoria of remembering) to the pleasures of the momentary experiences of letting music envelope me almost as it once did (shhh, we do not need to notice the almost at the moment :)

the past six or seven thereal entries (and dozens of others, some linked, some not) tell a story of a life, a week, an eternity... and while you had to be here to begin to understand, perhaps you will care to want to know one day and in that wanting, the story of a life continues...

till tomorrow :)

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

this is home

other places i communicate with others are fine for their purpose and appreciated for the time and energy others share there, but this is home, the door is open, and anyone watching or sharing without harming is welcome, even if nobody takes the time to stop by...

and the truth is (yeah, feeling the emo for the moment), it is sometimes disappointing when no one cares to stop by, but the door remains open and this remains my home... when i am silent everywhere else, i am still here (the long and winding road)...

hopefully my friends will know that when i appear to disappear...

home from work early, nap, out to game night at the history center, fun, snacks, and home again...

sighs and smiles

eating a little too much of the foods i love has me bloated mostly cuz i am so deeply tired and feeling a fair measure of the deepest kind of loneliness (and the neediness of happiness is distrating and the blowing out of magic is sad) and it all adds up to the ocerall imbalance of a life dominated by work with a good measure of play, but zerop intimacy and personal comfort for a very long time... most of this life, actually... sigh...

still, the joy of life and being me inspires the smiles (usually nobody understands these smiles, but that's ok cuz they are not dependent on anything outside of me)... all that is missing is someone who understands and shares this experience and the hope that someone exists in the real who will share that with me someday keeps the smile alive outside of my head as well :)

not sleeping much

and loving every minute of it as friends coax me to push (with a big jolt of help from caffeine) into another later night party mode and we had fun fun fun till the eyes were all closing around me and just eight hours ago when i showed up at the party after moving jackson's stuff for hours in the peak heat of the day and feeling exhausted i was barely able to articulate how tired i was (the conders of the coffee bean and sugar and chocolate) and here we are (after sleeping only four or so hours last night) wired and still gonna go play softabll from 10am to 5pm or so tomorrow cuz the bottom line is i am not gonna find the sharing i am missing by staying home or while i am sleeping, diggity...

and when i die, i die... until then, party on life :)

daily chores

not that i enjoy them, but i wish there was time for them... most days no chores get done at all, which lets them pile up and pile up and (multiply by fifty and then some) and then i am exhausted on saturday and only want to lay around and rest (and the body needs it) and then sunday i play softball from morning till dark (sometimes less depending on the game times) and then the aily work week starts again so...

two loads of wash are happening (though one is waiting for the dryer, so we're a long way from completing two loads) and about 10% of the boxes were unpacked (though that does not mean the contents are all put away where they will be when i decide where they will be... just too tired to think today) and i can walk into the closet and i cleaned the week's trash and showered long and hot and so, a minor dent in the unpacking and a substantial dent in the laundry and a clean place to live happened today...

in about an hour i am heading to jackson's to go to dinner at her favorite pizza restaurant to celebrate our birthdays (which are six days apart), then we'll decide if we are going to the game night, then jackson and happiness will spend the night so happiness (the friendliest dog alive) can start getting used to the place...

yes, i know, a fascinating life... and you wondered why you rush home to read about it every night, aye? :)

enjoy yours too :)

slight addiction

yes, as i mentioned in my newly templated bullsugar (whatever that is), i am slightly addicted to my current entry in my video me blog cuz it's fun and i miss fun so very much (among other things)... waking ealier than intended but charged with more energy than usual and every kind of desire to share (and some are undulged much more than others, so balance, dangit! (with and without exclamation points) and i sense a rush of missing babble flooding my inner sanctums)...

games, babbles, lusts, intimacies, exercise, more more more!...

yes, i work too much... wanna save me? :)

yeah, what (must be again)

the yeah, what? title (with and without the question marks) has been the title of a blog (or journal or diary entry) before, certainly, along with it's sibling, yeah, whatever and cousins yeah, so? and yeah, right (ditto about the question marks)... and this entry was opened last night to be nothing as i must have fallen asleep, so that's the real...

miss you too :)

fruitful awakening

though sleep could have easily lasted longer if the phone did not ring, i find myself spouting out purposeful babble and random nonsense this morning at many unknown locals in the new web world (so designated by the demise of the written gardens at the hands of the dastardly att folk, who suck, by the way)... busy day of three softball games tomorrow, so relax today... maybe some laundry and unpacking?... perhaps... fresh air (no times square)...

make this a wonderful weekend...

early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

napped

and now awake watching craig... bugged by the probably loss of 90% of the web world because corporate america, in this case, att, did not provide accurate information in email and blocked me from downloading and saving my web pages... att sucks... and then there's work on my mind as well, too much of it, not enough support...

i am reaching the point of faking it because nobody really cares whether i do or not except me and i will burn out if i do not cut back on the time i put into work... so life goes on and i will survive and continue looking for people who care... and for money, i'll play the corporate game and produce the paper in fewer hours a week...