so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?... me!...

so instead of going out to a game night with some great friends and having fun, i decided to stay home and take care of me (which of course always includes writing if i am doing it right for me)... who knows, a dozen new blogs may start and while babbling ridiculously, i shall clean and play with myself...

take care of you :)

maybe i should feel used

i figured something out tonight... every time i give more money away, i want to eat something decadent... it is partly a self-indulgence urge... and it is partly a ptsd effect lingering from my homeless days... see, there was leftover pizza in the fridge from a while back (was it actually from last wednesday?... wow, i didn't even realize how old it was... anyway, i ate it with other leftovers even though most of my mindset has been on healthier food this week... giving money away was the trigger to say fuck it, i'll eat what i want, who cares and all that self-indulgent rationalization of enjoying the rush of taste bud stimulation without concern for waistline or food content...

i keep telling myself i am helping people, kids in a tough spot, kids i adopted when they were littler kids, kids who depend on me... but i don't have a new laptop or new car or furniture or music system or plenty of other things i would have much fun with largely because i give away most of my extra money... i tell myself they appreciate it and it's not that they are taking advantage of me, but they have just had bad luck and... i tell myself i am a good person for giving, that it feels good to give, that someone will someday understand and appreciate me and give me the unconditional love i give to others... not to suggest giving money will bring me love, because i know the beatles were right, but giving unconditionally is not just about money... money is just the easiest thing to give because there are so many ready and willing to take it... ultimately, i do not think i am trying to buy anything and i'd like to buy myself a new laptop and fun stuff, but someone i care about eating and having a roof over their head is more important to me than my having yet another new toy...

so should i feel used?... maybe... i have no biological or legal obligations to anyone... i have no family obligations to anyone other than the emotional bonds i choose... so i help people get out into life... and i help people get through school... and i help people keep a roof over their heads and i buy people food... and maybe i am enabling or maybe i am being used, but i don't have to feel used...

but is my giving ways yet another reason i do not have a partner in this life?... now there's a whole 'nother path to ponder some other time... for now, i really must get a hold of the trigger, eating because i let myself feel used and lonely is such a foolish choice...

so whether i am foolish or not, foolish is as much a matter of perspective as not, and who would really come care to closer enough for long enough to really know for sure... from far away, the knowledge is thin, after all... and me, i fluctuate, naturally... so many i am just waiting for someone to care enough, to be here enough, to understand and appreciate and respect and love enough... or maybe i am just trying to buy value because i have no partner to reflect and reassure up close and personal today for a long long time...

what?... you expected maybe a decision?...

nite nite :}

maybe it's just to prove i am alive

blogging, i mean... i started writing to talk to myself, to express myself, to figure out what i thought and felt about everything cuz if i could make sense of things in words, then things made more sense in my head... especially the abstract things like love and right and wrong and colors and flavors and the price of tea in china, or something like that... anyway, i am alive, i am here (who?)...

the body feels yesterday and while more sleep would be really nice, the good wobble and ache is an old friend, so yay and all that... off to work now, see you later - make it great :)

why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

loving this rest

as lonely as life can be, i love the privacy and freedom of living alone... and as futile as it is to think it'll get less lonely if i stay home (which is why i've been as busy with social life as i've been in 2008... the calendar has most, if you wanna see), this self-time feels so good...

but it's more than self-time, it is the attitude i bring to it and the perspective i maintain during it and what i do with the time... the rest is first on the list of things this body needed and this is the first time i am actually giving the body extended rest (letting the body call the shots) in years... and then, there's the positivity, the focus on what is feeling good and can be done, instead of focusing on the pains and bloat and buddha belly and stuff that can bring me down... all that fades into meaninglessness when the perspective is right because the actions diminish the negatives... what feels best is doing what i want to do because i want to do it, not because i think i need to do it...

so since getting off work on wednesday, i've been just sitting around relaxing (occasionally answering the on-call phone for work) and unpacking (moving in is a very slow process for me, mostly cuz i've got boxes full of stuff and no place/furniture to put it in/on) and a bit of laundry/cleaning... part of the freedom is not needing to wear clothing... the nudist in me has been closeted for so many years, i've almost forgotten how much i do not like clothes instinctively, no less the concept, history, and thought processes clothes represent...

ah, such a radical... meanwhile, i may just head out somewhere today for a little while... exercise is calling louder... and maybe a movie tonight... i hope your day is wonderful too :)

riding the flow

the sort of plan or semi-intention was to take the five day weekend that coincided with the personal calendar memory holiday and dive into the memory box and see what feelings and inspirations and gunk and stuff might come out in words... i used to do that for years, every year, on personal holidays, but have drifted from the reminiscent patterns more and more as time passes... i do not think it is because i feel less and i know it is not because i forget, it is because i do not make it a priority to make the time for it... i was much more selfish with my personal holiday time once upon a time... now, much more, i ride the flow of external influences in the real, the physical, the now, and the sharing whenever it is available... still, there is the real inside that should not be ignored, so perhaps i will find time soon for self-time, even if it is not shared, cuz that is how i maintain balance and the relatively constant smile (with or without the buddha belly :)

so the self-time was nudged aside by sharing time with others in their physical spaces, emergencies at work, telephone sharing, softball and socializing, and that very much inspires big smiles from the social parts of me... and the self, much like a faithful old dog, awaits... i wonder if dogs feel loneliness as people do...

i think i'll write for myself tonight and see where the words end up :)