home and catching up

it's a wonderful day... an adorable day... a long exciting day... lots of walking and feeling physically great... everything went as well as any day at disney could... jane's influence was beautiful as usual... what can i say, fun is fun, a friend is a friend, disney is disney, and the day was wonderful...

yesterday was a wonderful day alone exploring inside memories and me all by myself, loved it and wrote more entries than any other day, ever, since being online...

today was a wonderful day not alone outside in the fresh air and world sharing with a fantastic person and great friend... loved today too and the balance is giddy good... time to unwind, catch up on the day (previous entries, though so many of the fun details were probably left out), and sit back and enjoy the glow :)

daily chores

not that i enjoy them, but i wish there was time for them... most days no chores get done at all, which lets them pile up and pile up and (multiply by fifty and then some) and then i am exhausted on saturday and only want to lay around and rest (and the body needs it) and then sunday i play softball from morning till dark (sometimes less depending on the game times) and then the aily work week starts again so...

two loads of wash are happening (though one is waiting for the dryer, so we're a long way from completing two loads) and about 10% of the boxes were unpacked (though that does not mean the contents are all put away where they will be when i decide where they will be... just too tired to think today) and i can walk into the closet and i cleaned the week's trash and showered long and hot and so, a minor dent in the unpacking and a substantial dent in the laundry and a clean place to live happened today...

in about an hour i am heading to jackson's to go to dinner at her favorite pizza restaurant to celebrate our birthdays (which are six days apart), then we'll decide if we are going to the game night, then jackson and happiness will spend the night so happiness (the friendliest dog alive) can start getting used to the place...

yes, i know, a fascinating life... and you wondered why you rush home to read about it every night, aye? :)

enjoy yours too :)

early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

another late work day

it never has to end, the work day, and i must remember that as i start expanding a spreadsheet database late in the afternoon because the hours pass quickly when waiting for crap ms software (excel 2007 freezes so often it's sick, and i don't mean a good sick) and wanting to finish the next stage of the build... anyway, home again...

eat, sleep, wisdom may previal tonight :)

not again

napped for two hours after home made pizza and the brain was running laps as i laid the body down in bed, so after realizing the words had to flow cuz the brain got enough sleep (two hours, the body says, the brain is insane... poor body) and here we are after babbling elsewhere for a while...

no tv, so maybe i'll pass out again soon... hope you are enjoying your brain... and life :)

home again

the place is a wreck, piles of laundry, boxes half packed/unpacked, and just way too much stuff i do not use sitting around gathering dust... the habits must change, which is probably the best reason for me to enter into another roommate situation...

we should know by the end of this week, i think... in the mean time, i should try to get some sleep tonight... and start eating less sugar, fat, and party food... so get on that, right... uh-huh...

right on right on

so besides being still awake, bloated by pizza and pasta and ice cream and chocolate and dr pepper cherry, and feeling the stress/strain on the body inside out (including the heart muscle), i started yet another new blog, the thirtieth (approximately) here at blogspot...

scary, no doubt...

feel free to voice your complaints there (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

and then...

i wonder how many times i titled an entry and then with or without ellipses or parenthetic subtitles), but anyway, this came forth from a response to a comment that summed up the day just fine, so it's an entry cuz it's e-thereal...

yes, it's been a long day... up early for work and work work work and mostly wandering around doing as i please (cuz directors cando that, oh so important and all, ya know), but it's still work work work (and fun) and then softball, unfortunately, as the team got knocked out of the playoffs tonight, which is fine on one level as i need a break and this team can be frustrating due to inconsistent committment, effort, skill, balance, and too many players) and also has another pitcher (my two championship teams don't) and then off to hang with the team while waiting to head to the midnight movie (3-d i-max premiere of avatar (with free passes at universal studios, cool, aye?... it was great, especially for tree-huggers) and then hang a bit more and home to home-made pizza and middle of the night tv cuz twilight zone fit perfectly with the sci-fi arty mood) and now... chocolate cream (or creme) pie... life is good...

i have no intention of going to work today, naa naa :)

and as if this wasn't a wonderful enough day, there, to widden my smile even more, a comment from a dear old friend that inspired a quick catch up of the day that became this entry... isn't life amazing?... fun?... simple?... well, life is something, isn't it?...

whatever it is, enjoy it :)

so little time, so much fatigue

i've got a fridge full of food to cook, lots of veggies and all sorts of healthy stuff and the week went by too busy to cook... i've got piles of laundry to wash and dry and put away and the week went by... softball three times, dinner once, and still fit in shopping and at least one load of laundry... i've got a mess of stuff to clean up and put away and the week went by... weekends are softball sundays and invites most saturdays... and here i am just getting home from another on call saturday and there's a party about 45 minutes from here that i am too tired to motivate myself to get to... so home, vege, rest, and maybe next week i'll find time to cook the food before it spoils and do the laundry and put away clothes and sort through the crap filling this space and pack and what?... look for an apartment so i can finally move out of here and move into a place i want to call home?... yeah, that would be good...

so tired, too tired to even feel lonely...

how are you? :}

life is busy

working extra hours regularly and on call three of the four weekends this month, but just as busy away from work as softball monday nights, tuesday nights, thursday nights, and sundays fills the calendar (linked on the right there, in case you want to know and forgot) and then some game nights and tonight, dinner with the pink pussies of facebook (hey, it's a dining club friends have put together, look it up, tell them bugs sent you... you know, the internet is a weird place so we all adapt online to have fun with the cyber delusions)...

it was lobster night at the ale house so we met and manged and managed to have much fun... and then coming home i stop for some chocolate and find a favorite cookie on sale (but two packages and get one free) so i did and now there's chocolate in the house (and nuts, did i mention nuts?) and the slacker slips a bit further back into the piggy habits and nearer to the 190 limit i thought i set for myself weeks ago when i was teasing the 180 mark (weight talk, ya know)...

tomorrow i'll be at work super early to prepare for the quality council and then have a web meeting in the afternoon and then softball in the evening and dinner if i can get to it with some friends and then friday it's halloween at work and i'll be in super early decorating the back office area which turns into a haunted hallway for the kids and by friday afternoon i'll be a zombie and will i sleep?... that's doubtful on a friday night, but at least there's nothing planned, i think...

so am i alone in life because nobody wants to keep up with me or because i'm moving too fast from fun to work to fun to actually pause and meet someone and nobody wants to meet on the run or is it just my love of garlic?...

sense of humor, gotta have one... hope you do too :)

bloated up again

though perhaps bloated down would be more accurate... tonight ought to be the wall, the turn around moment, for i've puffed up to discomfort once again for the first time in weeks... months, even... so reaffirmation of the benefits of dropping the weight and so on... and renewed resolve to forego the momentary bliss of overindulging taste buds and enjoy the long term effects of less bloat and lower blood pressures and the healthy feeling/experience...

but sleep... when will i make the time to sleep again?... this weekend i passed on two parties and a softball practice because i was on call and there were five admissions that meant more than ten hours at the hospital and i was already running on caffeine the last few days of the week... first time i used caffeine in weeks as well... definitely reaching a physical breaking point... perhaps the lack of contact with myself here (in writing) has much to do with the pattern... fool, make time for self or die standing (or falling suddenly)...

otherwise, all is well :}

somehow lost my way

if i ever had one... yeah, narf, giggle, and all that cartoony jazz... but in the real, i have wandered off into a foggy out-of-touchness that can only be described as a foggy out-of-touchness, or, in other words, an elsewhere less fun than most... it is mostly because i am so busy at work that i do not have time to think about much else and there's so much more important stuff in my head than work and even if there wasn't wall work and no play kills...

i don't want to die just yet, so i must remember stuff like celebrating john lennon's birthday and other more closer to my own real life stuff like how long have i been sleeping alone and how long has it been since i kissed someone and how long has it been since i simply took a week or a few days or even a day off just to relax and enjoy life and time without a clock or a thought about what must be done right now or in a few hours...

i need a few mental health day... or a few dozen, even...

brains cells frying

the body is demanding sleep and shutting down major portions of the brain... this is an experience i have not felt quite this way before in this life and i've been much more fatigued than i am at the moment... blurry is the world right now...

still, i want you to know...

so from 7:40am when i woke through through just after noon i was at the competitive team softball practice and then i shopped for food and lunch and then at 1pm i headed to the other practice and pushed on through past 5pm when i rushed home, showered, redressed, and went to the game night for the academy awards and here i am, home again home again, and all that jazz... and now i will forgo the muses calling out for more writing time and placate the lonelies and hungers with the promise of the wonderful feeling of actually getting more sleep (probably not time to get enough tonight, alas)...

i'm just summarizing in case you wanted to know... take care and keep in touch :)

mon-daze

somehow there's no life on the monday softball team and i am as dead as everybody else... i don't warm up, i'm stiff and sloppy, and everything i do shows... so i grounded into a double play and was safe on an error on my two at bats and then my pitching was weak... i only walked two, but i was off the plate a lot and could not find corners... and i made two errors... the team we played hit well and we made at least two dozen errors total so the loss was huge and that's mon-daze...

too much softball on sundays and not enough sleep on sunday nights and no food all day monday and bleary eyed at the computer all day and then, worst of all, 830pm games on the sandbox field with the low lights that blind us... yup, that's why...

the other team will have to come up with their own excuses :}

where's my comforter :)

softball sunday

wonderful exhaustion, almost... good exhaustion, yes, definitely good... softball from 2pm to about 7pm and then wing house for dinner and the reminder that there is still a living breathing libido in my head and then, home to rest and shower (in a minute or few, first a bit more rest)... phew, muscles ache good :)

hope you enjoyed your day too :)

cruising the darkness

yeah, the previous entry says it all, or nothing, depending on perspective and understanding, which means i am still awake and riding the wave of hunger energy, with a little help from eggplant parm and some coffee drinks cuz the mind just will not give another night away to sleep without reaching out as best as it gets these days... because the caring never ends, the love never sleeps, the sharing only rests when the promises can keep us holding on to each others, gently riding through the night, cruising the darkness, living together, being comfort honest comfort and in sleep's sweet embrace come the morning light...

i mean, it could have been but we all have our excuses for putting off the sharing, for sleeping alone and taking no risks... and i almost cried just thinking about it tonight and if the right song played, i'd have curled up and died in your arms, or mine, in your absence... there isn't much else to say, with buddha out in front and nowhere to go, just cruising the darness on the net with myself and dreams is the best part of the night for it is the most real...

in the magic moments of what was and will be between the bloat and laziness and self-indulgences of today (that you may be too well aware of and even fear if you doubt your own will power and will not trust mine), but i've known the passion and the promise and kept every word even when i seemed to dissolve in the ethers of forget and regret, not yet have i lost it all, in spite of giving it all away many times... it is an understanding so clear it cuts through the facade of human pretense to expose the naked stumbling through insecurity and self-defenses that so many enlightened wanderers strive for and so few ever actualize... a space, a place, a being, an experience of peace and awareness most call an impossible dream, nirvana, val halla, untopia, and so on...

and what keeps us from the hugs, not wanting to be held for a while, not wanting to hold another, fearing or what - rhetorical questions go unanswered all the time, but then, that is what makes them rhetorical... what if someone actually answered, oh me, oh my, what fun might be found in the moment of then... and now, may you find amusement elsewhere, for you are not here... and if you were, or are, and then, you can still choose to share...

call or write and if you dare believe i am in here, you will find me waiting there...

still awake?

if you read my previous entries here (you do, don't you?... at least a few of you must have found this place after all the bread crumbs and obvious please for attention i've left in all my other online writing spots), and especially the last (entry) in which several million brain cells were misfiring all at ones, you might have noticed that i was tired (ah, the love of understatement soars to new heights) and so the question posed here is not merely still awake? but most much more emphatically why in the hell are you still awake?...

i read this and related:

Is there anybody like me out there or anywhere? What I mean is, enough like me to relate enough to connect on enough levels and in enough ways to actually share life and the occasional, or even daily genuine comfortable lingering hug, I mean, anybody? How about around here? It's been a while.

yes, well, so many things to do, and yet, so many things to explore... i've not done any of the physical things that really ought to be done before i fly out of here tomorrow and i've not slept... i've been exploring online... lonely?... mostly... but i've also been exploring laptops and nettops cuz i did not want to take this big heavy monster with me this time... but buying one should be researched, a voice in my head says... and still, i have no idea which is best for my needs, mostly... i have an alarm set for 3am, 4am, 5am, and 7am... if i sleep until 7am, most of what needs to be done will not get done and that's bad news...

taking care of myself all by myself is a very time-consuming job (maybe i should spend less time laughing at myself?... no, that must not move any further down the priority list that i have yet to actually make than it already might have had i made the list)... who cares?... another voice calls out from the darkness... and nobody answers...

'cept me... yay for me... i might do the dishes now... and empty the car... those two are must-dos... and forget laundry, i'll just pick up new clothes at some walmart on the way to the airport or in franklin... maybe they'll have different cheap clothes in tennessee so i don't look like everyone else around here who buys cheap clothes... there's a brainstorm, aye?... the laptop?... we shall see... or more accurately, perhaps, i shall see...

i don't want to be lonely anymore... maybe i'll buy a macbook pro... hello... hello... is this thing on? :}

frying brain cells

beer, sleep deprivation, softball, so much to do (fun and life chores and work) and wondering how many brain cells i fried this weekend so far... i'll catch up some more when i am more awake... too much to do, must prioritize... too sleepy... maybe a nap... what must be done before the nap... reservations, laptop... too late for laptop?... i think so... in the morning?... is there time?... dangit, bzzzzft! :)

approaching dawn

the time of day, not a person, alas, but while i was subdued and did not dance, the party is winding down... i bought twelve pizzas cuz nobody really brought any food and a twelve hour beer-games party needs some actual food and not just snacks for me... papa john's in mt. dora likes me... this was the first private home drinking dancing party i've been to in many years and i must admit, i was feeling older, partly cuz i don't like drinking much in the first place and only sometimes dance and only when i am feeling my abs (which has been more than a decade)... but mostly it was cuz of the belly bloat and lack of stamina (compared to the 20 year olds and where i used to be)... the abs, dammit, that's getting old...

still, fun and a few of us are crashing here (i've got softball practice with the sunday team on this side of town in a few hours)... all that is missing is the cuddling... welll, and a few other sharings too... we are having too much fun though...

exhausterated again

what may be most amazing is that i used the word before, but be that as it may be, arriving home from softball practices, stopped for wings with a few of the team, and now, nodding off... so much fun, all burnt out... nite nite :)