waking slowly

sometimes i wonder why anyone would want to read all these little snippets of this life i experience... the vast majority of these entries are minutia and dull (feel free to stroke ego now lol lam) and seriously like, ok, why did i read that?... but maybe you love me (yay) and i mean actually care about me (stalkers have a separate line around back, ok?) and want to know if anything worth knowing is happening in my life and you read through all the mundane details without screaming from boredom (too much) just for those glimpses of fascinating facts or enlightened thought or emoting worth empathy... have i told you how much i appreciate you today?...

yes, actually i appreciate you... the page views tell me you were here and that gives me the sense of not being alone on this journey through this world and that helps fend off loneliness and that is one big reason i put myself out here recording all the bits and pieces of each day...

thank you for being... and for being here :)

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

thousands

over the years i've written in diaries, journals, blogs, and wherever regularly so that just about every day i record thoughts, feelings, perspectives, dreams, fantasies, whatever may be borne of my own mind or just passes through from sensory input... there are more than a few threads, strings of entries (or posts) from different perspectives in my head and more than a few of the writing spaces have more than a thousand entries, this one included... if you ask why, the simple answer is i love word play, literary expression, and keeping in touch with myself and the dream of communicating with others, especially the one... care to read and ask for more and the deeper layers of meaning, reason, and rhyme (and the secrets of the multiverse, even) may appear for you as communication personalizes...

here in the primary public writing space i am skimming the surface most of the time and even those i mention are re-named to respect privacy (for others seems to want much more privacy than i do) and even when i am away from this writing space for a day or few, i am still writing somewhere... writing is for my mind what singing is for my body and spirit, exercise, release, play, connection to the core and flights of fancy to freedom and infinity (and beyond :)

if you have an affinity for the written word (or for singing and/or music), perhaps you understand... you are welcome to read along and encouraged to share your words as well, here, there, or anywhere... communication is one of the primary gifts this life offers and i love giving and receiving... hope you love what you do too :)

no harmony for me

the eharmony report based on the 29 points of my profile is on yet another bloh... oh, did i mean blog?... or perhaps blah? lol lam... anyway, that may be autobiographical and may be something else cuz i have no intention of adding anything to it at the moment except the rest of the eharmony profile if i find time for copying and pasting... i know it belongs in the intros in the bios, but i don't have patience to format a page and configure an ftp program (or download one, for that matter), so it is where it is... meanwhile, they sent me two dozen emails already and there are twenty or so "matches" that i cannot contact after tonight, but without a face or detailed information (twenty words is not enough), there's not going to be any initial contact on my part... so it is a come on, worthless for me... but it was interesting to take their psycho-quiz and see the results... and someday, when my princess, comes, she'll wanna know (and this one time, at band camp... :)

in the slightly more tangible world, i slept inconsistently this weekend cuz happiness is an insatiable attention sponge who is constantly begging and waking from a nap at 11pmish to walk him wakes me up and then i'm up the rest of the night... his schedule is so not nocturnal (whereas mine, well, you know) and trying to stay home and rest was not too effective, so while it was a long happiness filled weekend but i could use a day off :)

hope you had fun too :)

this is home

other places i communicate with others are fine for their purpose and appreciated for the time and energy others share there, but this is home, the door is open, and anyone watching or sharing without harming is welcome, even if nobody takes the time to stop by...

and the truth is (yeah, feeling the emo for the moment), it is sometimes disappointing when no one cares to stop by, but the door remains open and this remains my home... when i am silent everywhere else, i am still here (the long and winding road)...

hopefully my friends will know that when i appear to disappear...

home from work early, nap, out to game night at the history center, fun, snacks, and home again...

one more night, again

and again, another day, again, another moment, again, one more, again, sorta, kinda, well, continue... variations on a theme called time (that'll be better next time)... and today, work work work and more work, then home to find the maintenence people did not keep their appointment so we locked up the dog for nothing and we'll have to do it again wednesday... poor service is worse at high prices... this place is losing my recommendation today and will have to earn it back...

yummy dinner and then, the end of house or the beginning of a whole new house of healing, relationship, or something like that... am i being obscure enough or can you find the threads?... who's looking, aye?... and now, 24 and it gets pretty radical, which is good...

hope your night is good too :)

continue continue

no, i did not order little ceasar's pizza, just emphasizing what i must do through the night until i am done... breaking for a moment to eat cuz amidst the backing i decided i would cook spaghetti with shrimp and onions in an enhanced sun dried tomato and roasted red pepper alfredo sauce (less than ten minutes prep and the time to boil spaghetti for cooking time... the shrimp were frozen cooked 100-150, two bags {two pounds} and for the sauce i started with two jars of classico alfredo sauce, one sun dried tomato and one roastted red pepper, added a couple of squirts of tarter sauce, a few tablespoons of ken's valdelia onion salad dressing, a quarter cup of sabrett's onion topping {usually used on hot dogs} and microwaved covered for 2 minutes, stirring, two more minutes, stirring, two more minutes, then add some grated parm-ramono-asiago cheese and let six until the spaghetti was cooked... really yummy sauce that could have only been better if i took the time to reduce it for thickness... i could have added cream cheese though, hmmm, next time :)

i love it when a meal is delicious and it takes longer to eat it to cook it... best of all, just one pot, one collander, a fork, a large spoon, and two microwavable bowls to wash (used a hard cardboard dixie paper plate as a cover)... of course the purist understands the limitations of frozen and pre-prepared sauces and additions, but still, flavor was YAY :)

no extra salt or butter/fat spread and no bread even, though i'll defrost the frozen garlic-cheese breadsticks for next time since i cooked enough for the next two days so with the leftovers already in the fridge, i am done cooking until monday in the new apartment so i can scrub the kitchen and oven and be done...

ate while typing this entry and now, back to packing :)

signed, sealed, delivered, i'm theirs

yes, while i do have 30 days to change my mind, i signed the lease for the new place and gave them all the money to get the keys and take possession of the apartment and i am 98% thrilled and happy...

five things i did not know cuz i was not able to see the apartment are... the microwave is too small, the layout of the apartment gives a smaller feel than other layouts, the patio seems slightly smaller, the air-conditioning units for several apartments are right outside the living room windows (and we're on the first floor), and i think the bedrooms are more directly off the living spaces (less privacy) than the other apartments... not deal breakers, but different than the other places we liked...

a few things we did know that are not ideal, but acceptible, are... the screened patio does not exit to the outside, the kitchen has a single sink, the carpet is more outdoorsy than indoorsy, the bathroom lights don't turn on (a sign of poor maintenance inspections?)

the big YAYs! for me are the rest of the apartment, first floor with a nature walk right off the breezeway, bigger kitchen, bathroom, closets... separate switches for the bathroom lights and the dang annoying loud vent fan (can you tell that was a deal breaker?), flourescent kitchen lighting instead of track lighting (to be able to see in the kitchen, sweet), and everything else...

hopefully jackson will like it when she sees it too (she's not moving in until May, so we can think about changing in the next 30 days)... and now it's time to take this packing gig seriously and then the cleaning deal and then, moving on monday... nobody right here to share the fun and excitement (and chores), but still, the excitement is bubbling over now that i actually signed and have the keys so bouncy bouncy off to pack and clean :)

pizza hut and football

being what is commonly called a native new yorker, i've yet to find pizza that matches what i know as pizza, but being that i lived outside of new york and the north east for about half of this life, i've trained my taste buds to enjoy the stuff called pizza outside of nyc... pizza hut is an acquired taste and as long as there's sufficient extra cheese and selected toppings (their meats suck, as do most, but they are better than some other chains)... and they have reasonably ok other foods too, comparable to frozen dinners which i do eat for the same reason i order in, convenience... so anyway...

so i ordered a ton of pizza hut food and turned on the tv to watch football, only to find arizona playing green bay... the teams i want to see are not playing today, except for new england, who lost big and i am not sorry i didn't watch tom brady's worst playoff performance in his career, especially not while eating... i suppose that broken ribs and missing the league's #1 receiver can alter a performance... and i was hoping for a rematch between indy and the jets, but indy will have to beat baltimore and the jets will have to beat ? (west team?... see, i haven't followed football this year) for that to happen... i haven't seen most teams play this year, so i have no idea who is best, but i am rooting for brett farve and drew brees and the jets (old ny roots run deep) and maybe indy...

so two wild card teams advance (i'm gonna look them up now)... ah, san diego, love that city, but i don't think there's any player on the team who appeals to me so they rank #5 or #6 on my rooting list... i pretty much root for players most of the time and brett is trying the biggest leap and doesn't have many more leaps in him, so i am rooting for him first... then would have come brady because i like the way he plays, except today, that is not the way i remember him playing... and then the jets cuz my new york friends will flip and be very happy... and then... it gets closer...

drew brees nudges out payton and old dallas and san diego sentiments for the fourth spot and payton nudges into the fifth spot... it's a tossup for #6 and #7 between dallas and san diego, cuz i love the cities, but am not a fan of any of the players these days... the last four of the ten eams in the playoffs are toss ups for me... green bay would have been ranked higher, but trying to screw brett farve puts them at the bottom of the list... curt warner and beanie wells at arizona help them pop into 8th, but then, cincinnatti has fond memories cuz of friends i knew from there... baltimore, aye, no such connections...

wasn't the healthier eating supposed to start again? :}

this is my house

online, i mean... thought i have many other web addresses where i write a little less and a lot more... and while i wander all over the web (used to be much more than these days, but even now i find time to wander and suddenly in the past week spend hour at facebook finding lots of people i know and knew), this is my house (from the elton john chilling barren house to the warmth, security, and love of the csn&y our house, it's all here and more)... though i would love to share it again someday, loving the solitude too...

i still appreciate the occasional visit :)

and so i did

as you might discover if you found one of my latest new blogs, meaningless complaints, i felt inspired to explore blog names tonight and found so many wonderful blog names have died untimely deaths along the way because people just don't seem to respect the written word or posterity (or the illusion of permanence) much these days... once upon a time, it was different...

anyway, i did have much fun with myself tonight and babbling on and on and on and cleaned some and there are new blogs out there, some on the horizon, some down the road, some already kicking off their first entries and then some... i'll update the lists on the right of RealTime one of these days, until then, it's our little secret...

softball in the morning, possibly below freezing temperatures (no running for me, that's for sure), so sleep would be good tonight... i hope you are having fun with yourself too :)

so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?... me!...

so instead of going out to a game night with some great friends and having fun, i decided to stay home and take care of me (which of course always includes writing if i am doing it right for me)... who knows, a dozen new blogs may start and while babbling ridiculously, i shall clean and play with myself...

take care of you :)

after a nap

of almost exactly 4 hours (i wonder if am i the only one with such a precise internal clock or if it is an abnormality of my mind... another explanation for my aloneness, if i was looking for one) and i flip on the tv to listen to and glance up at football games (but find that the news is blaring the usual stories about people who died or got hurt or did other stupid things last night and worse, the top news story is the fox-bright house war... what a culture)...

hope you are healthy, happy, and enjoying the heck out of everything :)

back to real time

yeah, woke early (reasons elsewhere if you can find them) semi-listening to mediocre and unappealing local (and when i say local, i mean the south) football cuz there is nothing worth watching on local network tv on saturdays and i still live in this place where cable is not available and the sat services suck so i don't pay for them and the att internet service sucks so i don't stream anything while stuffing more pizza into this bloating body (must get strick with food for a few weeks after today... i wonder how many days this week i said this?... ok then, soon, i hope), i choose to relax, rest, and vege for a few hours the first time in way too long (must take a week off and give the time to me... taking a week off at the end of this month, but not home and giving the time to others from thursday through monday, dangit, fun fun fun, but no time for me... so must try to take another week off in the next few months... sooner, please)...

tonight is another game night, in the neighborhood this time... and there are two other party invites further away, but with fatigue extremely high and an early sunday wake-up for double header tomorrow, i'm choosing to stay close to home and may skip late night stops at the two parties...

life at home again

the evenings i spend at home are few and far between these days as the calendar on the right would attest (and there are usually a couple of last minute things that never get on to the calendar each week), so tonight was interesting and i noticed the air conditioner is broken once again... they really have let this once luxury apartment complex rot away from the inside and i really must find time to look elsewhere as i can get a whole lot nicer place for the money i am paying here... and i could pay a whole lot less for similar digs, so the question is to spend and live in more luxury or to save and life in more plain frugality and the looking around will is what is needed before i decide...

so the air conditioner froze up once again... it can't seem to handle the pressure when i drop the thermostat below 80 degrees (it's even worse when i do some cooking)... i'll have to find time to get the maintenance people up here next week... or tomorrow, but i'd really like to tidy up a bit before i have the management folk up here...

so i pigged out on semi-home-made pizza and did some of the dishes and watched the world series and rested... and here we are, back to the moments in the real in real time and all that stuff that nobody seems to pay attention to anyway, but that'll be the pondering of the next entry, i think...

hope you had a good night too :)

maybe i should feel used

i figured something out tonight... every time i give more money away, i want to eat something decadent... it is partly a self-indulgence urge... and it is partly a ptsd effect lingering from my homeless days... see, there was leftover pizza in the fridge from a while back (was it actually from last wednesday?... wow, i didn't even realize how old it was... anyway, i ate it with other leftovers even though most of my mindset has been on healthier food this week... giving money away was the trigger to say fuck it, i'll eat what i want, who cares and all that self-indulgent rationalization of enjoying the rush of taste bud stimulation without concern for waistline or food content...

i keep telling myself i am helping people, kids in a tough spot, kids i adopted when they were littler kids, kids who depend on me... but i don't have a new laptop or new car or furniture or music system or plenty of other things i would have much fun with largely because i give away most of my extra money... i tell myself they appreciate it and it's not that they are taking advantage of me, but they have just had bad luck and... i tell myself i am a good person for giving, that it feels good to give, that someone will someday understand and appreciate me and give me the unconditional love i give to others... not to suggest giving money will bring me love, because i know the beatles were right, but giving unconditionally is not just about money... money is just the easiest thing to give because there are so many ready and willing to take it... ultimately, i do not think i am trying to buy anything and i'd like to buy myself a new laptop and fun stuff, but someone i care about eating and having a roof over their head is more important to me than my having yet another new toy...

so should i feel used?... maybe... i have no biological or legal obligations to anyone... i have no family obligations to anyone other than the emotional bonds i choose... so i help people get out into life... and i help people get through school... and i help people keep a roof over their heads and i buy people food... and maybe i am enabling or maybe i am being used, but i don't have to feel used...

but is my giving ways yet another reason i do not have a partner in this life?... now there's a whole 'nother path to ponder some other time... for now, i really must get a hold of the trigger, eating because i let myself feel used and lonely is such a foolish choice...

so whether i am foolish or not, foolish is as much a matter of perspective as not, and who would really come care to closer enough for long enough to really know for sure... from far away, the knowledge is thin, after all... and me, i fluctuate, naturally... so many i am just waiting for someone to care enough, to be here enough, to understand and appreciate and respect and love enough... or maybe i am just trying to buy value because i have no partner to reflect and reassure up close and personal today for a long long time...

what?... you expected maybe a decision?...

nite nite :}

mr. popular

well, i nodded off and enjoyed a nap while the laundry spun and the tv droned and the world spun around... i think i left the phone in the car and i ought to wander down to it, but on the other hand i sometimes go a whole weekend without a message, but then, i usually get a text message from from someone about softball, so i will motivate myself to stand up... unless i fall back to sleep and then, well, there's the morning (oh how wonderfully lazy i am being today... so restful, absolute self-indulgent rest... this is so rare in the past year and a half that it is a very special treat)...

meanwhile, meagan said hey... a friendster comment... i have not been at friendster in years, but meagan said hey... i have no idea who meagan is, but she appears to want attention for her cleavage, breasts, and body (based on her profile photos)... i've got a feeling the hey was spam from friendster cuz meagan is a newbie there and my profile is relatively blank and inactive for years, so i have no idea why anyone would say hey... but hey, i'm mr. popular anyway (ah, the title makes sense now, aye? :)

apparently i have a friendster account and profile i forgot creating a while back... i mean, i get comments and friend requests and (positive comments all the time at myspace, but i have a lot of info there... the surprise was due to the fact that i am never at friendster and there's nothing on my profile or account to introduce me at all... so meagan joined a couple of weeks ago and said hey to a blank profile... obviously i must have amazing ethereal powers of attraction... and surely sarcasm and self-mockery will follow me all the days of my web life... hope you are enjoying your saturday too :)

staying home

yeah, so far i haven't decided to go out anywhere, even though i would probably enjoy the concert... i just so rarely spend a day relaxing at home, i feel kind of selfishly decadent... the eggplant parm and chocolates might have helped too... and laundry is getting done... and much writing, with a little help from my friends too... yes, introductory letters have begun happening again... who's rolling eyes?... what?... you haven't read my intros from long ago when darkness filled my universe?... oh, well, you might learn something quite depressing i suppose, though i really don't remember what i wrote... i trust it was about me though, being introductory letters and such... and more seriously, i trust that is is still accurate, mostly, if not completely...

i change all the time, but the core, it's been pretty stable and constant since i first experienced an awareness of my own consciousness... what?... you aren't aware of my own consciousness?... how about yours? :)

i hope your day is fun :)

sweet sleep

four hours of unexpected sleep in the middle of the day is such a wonderful gift and with the windows open and no kids screaming outside in the little park that is right below my windows, life only gets better than this when it is shared :)

the body smiles dreamily and wonders what i'm going to do next to challenge it, but i'm going to skip the gym tonight (i think... we shall see when i get back from dinner as i decided to head over {might even walk} to gators just down the street {a mile or so} for wings with some people i know from meetup)... waterford lakes if you're into it...

looking around this space i inhabit, it's definitely time to spend an hour (at least) cleaning up... and laundry just seems to pile up faster than ever with my softball schedule... neil young was right, a man needs a maid... a woman too, but i'm just being selfish at the moment... of course ol' neil may have been using the middle-english usage of the word, but i can still dream... samantha stevens, where is your cute little magical nose?...

and how are you fine people today? :)

home, hungry, and the gym is still busy

well, not eating all day certainly is not the way to get back to healthier habits, so that must change... once again, i arrive home late and head for the gym and it's busy... i did a couple of circuits on the weight machines, but the elliptical machine was booked for at least an hour... now i am beginning to think that it sucks that they only have one... they have three bikes and three treadmills, decent equiptment, but only one elliptical squeezed in between the others... so i'm going to eat and maybe head down later, maybe sleep and see if waking early is in the cards, maybe skip the day and let the muscles rebuild... weight loss requires daily though, so i'll just have to figure something out if i am going to get serious about this again...

and guess what i found on the door when i got home... a waiver of the late fee for me to sign acknowledging it's one time only and reiterating the rules of rent due by the 3rd of the month... and here i thought it was due the fifth... so anyway, my letter worked, cool... and they now explained they have electronic payment and automatic debit payment too... i'll have to find time to stop by the office to sign up though...

so management doesn't suck... now if only the place did not have a list of things i do not like... wonder how many modifications i can make... when there's time... and if i decide i want to spend money on the place... work was the usual, a lot of it with a lot of people waiting for information... while some try to stay old school and ignore data, slowly but surely i am seeing more and more directors sneak a look at the data i am presenting each month and more are asking for the results... we'll move into the 21st century any year now (at least most take my razzing sorta well)...

meanwhile, time for dinner... hope you had a good day too :)