am i rambling again? (with linkage!)

well, there's the original babbling that i've done ever since i could hold a crayon and scribble words on paper eventually called the written gardens that finally found some public viewing on my website (99.9% words cuz i don't take the time to learn the visual presentation stuff) and then the diaries, journals, and blogs and more blogs started proliferating on the web about twelve years ago and the progression from personal babbling to keep in touch (kit) to the thousands of pages on the first online journal through live journal and early diary land days (or nights, to be more accurate) to the blog spot times that bring us to the present (and so many others still active tangentially growing off the tree of madness that is the writing jones i enjoy so much), this has been a long strange trip and a long and winding road and much fun...

looking back (and around) i realize that i must find time to set up an ftp program and download all of my pages and update most entry pages as they are quite out of date (a few years for some)... but that will takes days, maybe weeks, and there is no such time in this life these days so everything i've ever posted on the net could just disappear one day and much of the babbling and rhymes are not saved anywhere... though there is always the wayback machine that has surprised me with blasts from the past at times, but anyway, this is an aside more to myself than to you even though it does provide you with some useless knowledge and therein ought to qualify as rambling, if not babbling, aye?...

and in the last week or few, after a pause during the summer of this year, it appears that i am feeling the babbler demanding time enough to overcome the demand for sleep (which is usually the case) and all-nighters are brewing and well, i guess the answer to the title question after all that introductory linkage is, hmmmmm, it's a possibility or even, hmmmmm, could be... cuz babbling is much like cartoons and as i believe the immortal words of one of the royal family of toons, bugs, said so well and we all know anything is possible in cartoons...

nyuk, nyuk, narf...

if i just see the connections

or is it... if i just make the connections... am i asking?... am i asking now?...

everything in this world is so skewed by human judgments, by preconceptions of right and wrong, how can anyone have a clearly objective perspective or understanding of anything?...

why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

speeding bullets don't lie

oh gee, this blog whenever there's a moment thing does not allow me to advertise my specific requests and please and desires and such and such very well, does it?... i mean, before anybody can read my heart felt plea for some serious interior decorating assistance and advice and such, the entry is gone into the archives and nobody saw...

sigh...

life really does move way too fast, doesn't it?... well, that's the title reference, anyway, though i know it could have been much more dramatically morbid even, just the speed of life seems faster than a speeding bullet sometimes, metaphorically speaking... or writing, to be precise... and so, a day full of doing stuff at work, number crunching, emailing, training assistants, thinking about projects and not so much working on the stuff due on monday... but i'm a bit ahead of schedule, or at least i was when the day started, so hope remains a big smile... or something like that...

and home, to this desperately needing interior decorating assistance space (did you dee, did you see?, cooking up some eggplant parm and spaghetti and relaxing with the music and the pleasures of privacy and the light fluffy clouds of the lonelies (they get that way sometimes, which is good, cuz they can be such a drag at other times)... it is good to enjoy me by myself (of course that's just my opinion and i may be wrong, but you know what?... nobody can ever prove it (only i can see through my eyes... the silver lining behind the clouds, i just wear it out in front of mind sometimes, ya see?), nyuk :)

if only everybody enjoyed life like this, what a wonderful world it would be... stupid humans (just had to, giggling all the way :)

did you see did you see?

babbling good idea (i hope)... a project for you (cuz you love me and enjoy shopping)... as you go through you days or wander the internet, your neighborhood shops, please keep an eye out for furnishings you think represent me... shelving, especially, for cds and books and such... remember i am odd, but cool (and love to laugh at myself and be amused by stuff)...

i will love you dearly for every moment you put into this endeavor... i will treasure the results of your searches and hug every idea and concept and suggestion... and the bonus is i'll be as close to with you in physical space if something you choose strikes the right chord and rubs me just the right way to buy it and bring it into the home, my home, the space i am finally ready to start building... is this exciting or what?...

well, if it's what, just move along, nothing to see here... but if it's exciting, well, we have a project now, don't we?... i have no idea what will tickle my fancy or catch my eye or tell me i must bring it into this space and call it my own, but i want to, please, won't you indulge this rare change of heart about the material world?... shelves, things to sit on, a bed even, things to put clothes in, odds and ends, and i must find frames too... more stuff to put on the walls, art of sorts, stuff that is me... my eyes will tell me, your eyes will help me?...

there's always hope :)

yay anyway!

hey, i'm just gonna party all the time and you're welcome to jump in whenever you feel like it... that's the way thereal is these days... we are the champions and all that, cuz that's what is thereal inside of me when i am not forgetting or otherwise distracting myself from myself with stupid human tricks and an in one of those fuck the world, i ain't getting off places where life goes on with or without me, or you, or the other, or the stuff, or the one, or anything and everything, even... the needy can probably line up and take everything at the moment cuz it's just that way, living, loving, feeling all right in the moment... and i really don't feel all that manic (but i'll lam anyway :)

so another work day spent waiting for others to get their work (and helping them get it done) done so i can start mine passes into history and the day ends in an evening with lasagna and the internet... laundry waits and maybe it'll get done tonight... the unpacking waits and maybe a little more tonight... godot waits and it's about dang time cuz i'm been waiting on that sucker for too many lifetimes... everybody waits, sometimes...

and me, for better or worse i've learned to enjoy being alone so much that even the lonelies are like a big fluffy cloud i watch floating by and when they get heavier, i bounce them around like a big balloon... maybe (shhhh, that's telling) that's the real reason i remain alone, i just don't want to get into human depressions and therapy relationships anymore... and that's thereal report for today...

whatever is going on or off, whatever is right, wrong, overwhelming, or missing, i hope you are making you life fun too :)

keeping in touch

yup, that's what it's all about (and a little hokey pokey too, as only harry can deliver, but just a little... short stories)... just to keep in touch (more than ten years online... wanna see?... just follow the carefully random {or is that randomly careful?... probably} linkages), to believe it's worth it, i'm worth it, you're worth it, we're worth it... and the sharing gives us value... and the caring fills our hearts... and the wanting to be nearer that can tear a soul apart... and the hope that someone's out there... feeling the same way... and somehow we'll come together... to start a whole new world for a moment that will last... forever and a day... keeping in touch... all day... every day... all night... now... forever and a day...

true as it gets, as much as i love the (e)thereal sharing of words on and off the internet, that (above paragraph) is "thereal" i seek, the moment to moment bond that everyone i've known so far calls too intense, too much work, or just downright too much... too smothering because they are afraid to breathe into another and become part of them... too confining because they are not secure within their own skin and need space to run from themselves now and then... too whatever, because whatever...

home from another softball game, another win, another fun night with relative strangers... some shared beers and nachos and chili cheese fries afterward at the local T & A wing bar and i am almost human (he would be proud) and yet, here i sit alone because, for better or worse, i am me... and the space between is the difference between neediness and desire, between loneliness and hunger, between curiosity and thirst... this night was fun...

and still, an emptiness lingers... waiting for someone who can fill it... someone who can keep in touch, someone who can keep up, someone who can be with me...

sleep?

almost like some sort of secret code, words just seem to gather meaning as they age, or as we age, or something, but for the past few days i've been monotonously hearing a voice, then voices, then choruses, then crowds, then mobs, then random flashes of voices wandering aimlessly in confined space randomly bumping into each other asking... sleep?...

way more caffeine that usual, and chocolate and sugar and last night, sausage and fried stuff (all the fun of the fair, or fotf, in some circles) and the brain pfttzzst (kind of short circuits without easily noticeable of motor function) and then, sleep comes in brief hour or two segments while the brain speeds along on the chemical additives... used to be called a high, i think...

eyes wide, doh duh da all around, heading toward the crash... a bit hung over now, quite bloated, we shall see how hard this crash is when it gets here (cuz it's just starting it's spiral, i think)... so some of the voices are asking (beyond the point of feeling, pleading, or anything) and some of the voices are laughing (beyond the point of reason) and some of the voices are suggesting we not (riding the high) and some of the voices are doing all sorts of other things with the infinite messages and meanings of the word, but over and over at random intervals the word pops up...

sleep?...

and if you happen by to read, how are you today? :)

mr. lonely

who sang that?... bobby vinton?... anyway, another fine mess of a day at work and much was accomplished and much waits for the next time i go in and the piles grow on the desk and all around the office and oh well, there's not enough of me to do it all so some of it just gets done not (it's a professional technique used by overloaded managers and directors... higher officials, like presidents, can read children's books instead)...

and then, after work, a fun free concert with two friends all the way across town (25ish miles) at the ocoee founder's day festival... and on the menu, lardass galore, sausages and a cheese filled pancake and a frozen chocolate cappuchino for dessert... .38 special was the headliner, with a few other bands... the weather outside was beautiful all night... and then, we went to talk music, for i was with two seriously music loving musical type friends... and here i am, just getting home, returning to the scene of the crime...

yes, mr lonely strikes again... but at least it was a productive and much fun time since i last came here and i'll babble or rhyme or both till i nod off so mr lonely can't get me down too far... that's the magical mystery tour through thereal, climb on board or get out of the way cuz the train is coming through...

hope your day was as much fun as (and less lonely than) mine, so there :)

frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}

cuz i want someone to know

the real life daily life mundane details of thereal as i know it today, alone and sometimes stirring my crazy and sometimes escaping into light social play and sometimes mourning my losses and sometimes euphoric in my imagination and sometimes burning myself at a stake for my mistakes and sometimes eating my way into bloat just to feel the sensual rush in this body and sometimes pushing the run for hours just to feel the aging sensual rush in this body and sometimes wishing on stars and sometimes driving fast cars and sometimes dreaming i could somehow start all over again and sometimes loving the moment... alone, because nobody seems to be able to reach me, get me, or maybe it's just cuz nobody wants to share the time, but then, occasionally, someone says they want to, so maybe i'm just somewhere nobody can find... and i don't always want to be alone, even though i love everything in most moments whether i am alone or not, so i come here to share the moments of the day in catch-up form... cuz i want someone to know...

every day

dedicated now, more than ever (perhaps that ought to be the subtext, or what do they call it, the description, of this blog - for the moment at least)... and why, i wonder... because i want to believe in the connections?... because one of the handful of players from the intimate stories of this life returned?... was that the reason for starting the online babbling in the first place? (of course it was, haven't you been reading for the past decade?... somewhere (over the rainbow?) way back back (1998?) (what seems like lifetimes ago now) and once was today, but started more than a decade ago as an effort to keep in touch... yeah, KIT... and to think it all started with babble... what? {but where's the first pages?} what?)... what?...

what?... real time?... thereal?... oh yeah... maybe i forget sometimes... but the point was to try to keep in touch... to reach out and leave a marker, a buoy, a sign of life that the people of the past might find... and over the online gardens grew and there were times when the desire to share daily waned, when the hope that the threads of love woven through this life would fray and threaten to dissolve in busy work, in apathy, in disillusionment, in the ether, whatever that means... but the babbler persevered (in no particular order) and if interested, one can find brief snips of 1998 (the first?) out there amongst the redundantly repetitive weeds (if you repeat something often enough, does it really ever come become truth?...

every day... a little by better in every way... name the film for bonus credit...

once upon a time there was a path, then there were many paths, then the maze took over, then the walls fell down, then... is now...

every day... renewed... and then some...

choice

if there is connectivity, then there may be magic, however that is not a guarantee, nor bliss nor tragic, it is only what it is, and what you want it to be, what you make of yourself, is your reality... and if you did not know you're only fooling yourself because the radiance is present on your shelf even if you will not see or even if you are blind there is a life in your head and a choice in your mind and you call out in silence or you may smile and wave or you scream up to heaven and pray you to be saved but from what can you answer, oh say can you see, you are running from yourself and hiding from me... you can close your eyes and choose to be blind, but you die every time you close your mind... you can sit in yourself pretending you don't care, you can smile from within as if you are aware, you can live on the edge as if you don't care, but you waste every moment that you do not share...

telling

sometimes there seems to be nothing to say, so i just make it up as i go along and you might not even know it, unless i mention it, but then, that would be telling...

the fun of the blog

i think it'll be fun to fill it all in, like a color by numbers without the numbers or the lines, but then, maybe there are some lines, a few, unseen by the naked eye, but sprinkled, maybe dotted, between the existing daily entries, kind of like a connect the dot color by number combo puzzle game... yes, i think it'll be fun, even if it is not shared...

knowing time

what is real and what is not is only what the mind can see and choices made within your head determine your reality so ask for more if you believe that more exists or you're not sure if you can see what the words mean and maybe you will find the more that you are looking for... there will not always be consistent meter, there will not always be obvious rhyme, there will not always be making sense, but there will always be time as long as life exists, there will always be time...