waking thoughts

a few thoughts came to mind as i woke and i decided to share them with you...

i write for many reasons, like when i feel lonely or bored... but most of all, as i will repeat again and have no doubt, for the mental play, the mind games, and the hope for sharing... in the end, that does not completely satisfy me because lonely, for me, is caused by a desire to share - and not just to share an solitary intellectual/emotional stimulation that comes from experiencing someone else's mind by myself (through reading or film or tv or observing anything), which is why i write, because at least i am exploring me and letting me out with the hope of sharing... am i repeating myself yet?... yes, well, even that is not enough and to be happy i must distract myself from the desire to share, supplicate it with imaginary sharing that comes from an activity like writing, reading, audio-visual arts, sports, or just observing...

this thought came about from a waking thought - a realization that one way i remain alone is by indulging in food stimulus and allow this body to remain 30ish pounds overweight... i love the oral stimulation, however i am repulsed by fat flabby skin, so the site and feel represses the sensual urges... and i sometimes think that i may still do this, at least in part, because i am still haunted by betrayal (the betrayal of intimacy and unconditional trust that i have experienced up close and personal throughout this life from the very beginning) and i may be not sure i want to trust anyone personally, one on one, eye to eye, hand in hand - or closer intimacy...

at least at this moment...

that would really suck because i really am a hopelessly hopeful romantic who believes in love and lives to share a partnership, an intimacy, the full experience of personal sharing everything (or as close to everything as possible) with another human, a partner, a lover, and most of all - a best friend... unconditional trust is the best feeling and experience and gift i've ever known and my current mindset undermines my chances and ultimately - prevents me from finding it...

to dream the impossible dream...

but that is what i do...

did?
am i re-defining me?

whatever, we were rambling on about something so let's get back to it... repeating the same loop, repeating the same assessment (what?... this?... that might really suck if we knew what i meant) is somewhat amusing to me in my mind (too much so, i imagine), but probably feels more like crap somewhere deeper, which leads me to food or laziness or some other suicidal tendency (drugs, alcohol, television?... used to play with all three and more, but not in recent years) that comes from giving the poor-me pathetic "nobody cares" child (who does have good reason to believe it) the power to throw a pity-party (wanna come?), even if it's so brief that it does not appear to be depression or anything serious (especially in our culture where pigging out on fatty greasy sugar-filled foods is a way of life), but then, who would notice (don't all step up and be counted at once now, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

for me, this is not exactly a revelation, it is an acknowledgment... i am not sure what reading this is to you, but it would be good if someone might understand, even if you might not want to acknowledge that you do to me, or to yourself, even...

yeah, i know...

so anyway, i hope my pondering this as i wake helps me move a little further out of the loop i've been in and out of for the last however many years (long time to be haunted, long time to deny my deepest desires by keeping them in solitary activities, long time to be a spoiled or ambivalent child content with whatever, aye?)... hopefully you found some worth in the reading too...

i hope you make today better than yesterday, in fact, make it especially wonderful :)