whatchu say elvis?

did you miss it (whatever it was lol lam)... what we have here, he said all cool handedly, is self-mockery as an art form and you can do it if you want to... and i want you to want to... yeah, i want you to want to... sing it loud, sing it proud, sing it lol lam laa all the way home (and so much more to come as the links implode for our viewing pleasure)...

just look at the shamelessness of this midday madness, this deliberately random obscurity that appears right before your eyes appearing to be complicated or confusing, even, when it is the simplest form of love in the universe, honesty, candor, truth (and links, don't forget the links)... and it's not just song references... whether it is justice and the american way or not we will leave for another discussion at another time cuz it's way too close to a presidential election to be discussing politics lol lam laa :)

it's not that i think i am so clever, it's that you do... who do?... voodoo...

here's a clue :)

so wtf, as usual

yeah, still awake... some writing, some tv, some facebook... dang facebook... for the first time in weeks (maybe longer) i went to check in there and click, click, click (etc) and here we are... a few comments and conversations and saved pictures and pages and files and readings later and here we are (are we here?)... yeah, wtf, i was intending to be awake in 5 hours, minimum, and better 4 hours to give myself time to shower and groom and dress and relax (relaxation is vital for these things) and prepare (preparation is kind of important too ya know) before the interview... am i self-destructing?...

i am laughing at myself (lam, in case you've been wracking your brain trying to figure out what lam means... it often follows lol, in case you've not been noticing... anyway), somebody put me to bed already lol lam :)

nite nite :)

sleepless in orlando

lol, somewhere in the nineties i wrote something with that title inspired muchly by sleepless in seattle because i am a ridiculously hoplessly hopeful romantic at heart and meg ryan is just too cute (she has her own garden after all, as so many other fantasies have {remember stevie, from long before the internet, there are hundreds of pages in her book} and tom and meg do that innocent awkward amazing love at first site so awfully well and that was the most magical love i ever knew way back when, that first sight (site? lol) feeling, and i would love to find it again but that's sort of another story)... i didn't find it, but until i do, here is the point of it all...

yeah, so i whine and complain and detail the drama or life (of? lol) and maybe you think i am in need of comfort or reassurance or something (oh?) but while comfort and reassurance is wonderful (won't see me turning it away, sometimes lam) i am mostly lam (laughing at myself) between the lines as i record the experience i know as life... the annoyances, frustrations, and any other worrisome events pour into words and resolve into peaceful acceptance as i figure out what i want (wonder if i still do now lol lam) and then i do it... love that freedom amidst the compromises of life...

if you only knew the peace and pleasure that comes for me after letting everything flow into words, you'd understand... something like this (so simple old friend)... and if you find joy in the sadness, you just may know the secret to a happy life...

it's a wonderful life, full of fun and emo and narf :)

a touch of catch up

not ketchup, though i do love the stuff)... and some unwinding from the fun film and watching highlights of the fun game and some catching up on the fun and frolic and dancing in the streets of last few days (do i exaggerate?... only in my dreams lol lam) and now it is time to let the unwinding free fall into sleep cuz in nine hours i will be dressed in a suit and tie (first time in years, maybe six or seven years or more... or am i just blocking the suit and tie gigs lam) sitting for an interview for a corporate director position and being well rested mentally and fully awake and alert would be much wiser than showing up on less than 8 full hours sleep... yup, being a big shot requires seriously focused energy and some high powered impressions... and expensive clothes...

so hopefully you are doing something to inspire your smile (you have the power!)...

and hopefully i will catch up tomorrow...

narf :)

sweet delusions

meanwhile, in the fantasy world where i am extremely popular and well-to-do, for some reason this same entry mentioned in the previous entry (now linked here for the third time in two entries) has received almost a hundred page views in the past week... and this lonelier one received only a few less in the past month... those pesky spambots sure know how to stroke a ridiculously easy-to-please ego lol lam :)

ah, samson, leave my my delusions lol lam las laa :)

narf :)

doodlebonkers

when there is nothing to say or something, when there is just a black space, an empty box, no words flowing, there are many things that can be done... superfragilisticexpialidocious, for one... crying depression self-pity party is another choice, but that gets so old so fast... rash craziness or even dangerous liasons may help some, but i got bored with that choice long ago... rambling silliness about irreverent nonsense disguised as profound wisdom (or is it the other way around?) with random questions and asides tossed in is a method i use routinely and that may be where we are headed now, but at the start of this entry even that was not coming probably because the episode of dr who where the future amy dies was coming to a climax and even though i knew the outcome it is a sad drama and i do love me some whovians... still thinking doctor #9 was my favorite doctor and the last (current) companion is my favorite companion but there are a couple of very close calls on the companions (the current one wins because she has libbo firmly on her side, for whatever it matters to her or any of them or you, for that matter lol lam)...

i remember when a girl looked at me as if i was the only thing that existed in the universe... sigh... that was one of the most wonderful feelings ever, probably the best ego-food ever, but it was a whole lot more than ego-food when it was the right girl... can we embrace the coincidence (if there are any coincidences) and sing once in love with amy one more time? (with a big cheesy grin, of course)... oh, someday you'll all understand...

narf lol lam lal laa :)

can we start again please

not that i have that jesus christ superstar feeling, though it is skimming the surface a bit as the page views have dropped to what must be considered non-robot levels, under 150 for the first time this week in many weeks and under 100 for the first time yesterday in likely a month or more and today, so far, under 50... none of the robots have visited... i wonder what attracted them in the first place and what drove them away or made them lose interest... perhaps they were trying to sell me better stats than the google analytics i current see... perhaps it was certain key words i used, but to figure that out would take more time than i want to spend as i have other activities i want to do (another conversation, for one... and exercise, for another... and happiness is back home begging for attention more than ever, for a third... and looking for what to wear for the interview tomorrow... and checking the car to make sure it is ok for the interview tomorrow... and there is eating, eating would be wise... bathing too... so much to do, so why spend hours reviewing stats that are meaningless in the end?... just cuz i love to play with numbers and ego is crushed because the numbers are so low?... back to life, back to reality, aye?... lol lam awwww, poor ego)...

hey, i haven't gone over to the wishing you were somehow here again madness, after all...

at least not yet lol lam :)

bouncy bouncy bouncy

sometimes it's just the way it is, sometimes it's aided by caffeine... and one of the good kind teammates was given an extra mocha coffee and brought it to the fiels and since i was the only one there when he got there, he offered it to me... at first i thought, no, i've been living without the caffeine and had some last night for the first time in weeks and then, i decided to try it and it was so yummy, i took it and drank it and the good morning mood on the beautiful day only got better... i might have driven couch a bit crazy bouncing (literally) around like i did, but the energy was wonderful and once again i was the one with most energy and desire to run around and play and exert and all that... it's the story of this life as i've experienced it... some people actually wonder if i am human or what drugs i take when they get close to me for a while... i could be grandpa to some of the kids on this team and they can't keep up with me even when i am not ingesting caffeine, so i was left wanting more when practice ended, as usual... but more, i want more... more more more... more? lol lam :)

and i am still bouncy now, thanks to the caffeine and the mood and the sleep (about six hours, but good sleep) and hoping for more softball even though the fields got rained on (and there is the call that i hoped would not come and it isn't bringing me down and sitting here alone waiting isn't bringing me down and life is just that super-dee duper wonderful today)... if i could bottle what happens in my brain, i'd be rich lol lam :)

wish everybody was like this in their own way :)

seriously, not really

it is all so amusing, really, if you understand as i do but then, it is so alone understanding as i do that i play with my head (and by reading me, you let me play with yours, but i'll never tell cuz that would be telling {the secrets may be in the links you choose to click on, maybe} and the laughter can be so misunderstood if you don't understand {and the age old repetitive redundancy mocks the seriousness sought by the rational mind [the secrets are buried in the babble, dad, but infinity is found in the rhymes if you find them] and more lost than found, if you understand parenthetic asides [and parentheses within...] and actually took the time to read even half of the words linked in this entry [and all the even more revealing links in all the side bars in all the blogs in this crazy mixed up world of words... play it, sam] and so on and so on we might find magic cha cha cha} so take it easy and let it be, be here and now and you may see that reality is your fantasy if you let it be {and all this confusion is just an illusion, remember?} lol lam laa), so read (and click) at your own risk, m'ok?...

wow, you still here? (want more?... there's always hope) lol lam laa...

narf :)

. . .

PS... thanks :)

too old to giggle?

nope, not in my book... and i live by my book, so there is never a point where anyone is too old to giggle... and excuse me (or don't), but i giggle at the drama queen even as the drama queen is drama queening... you might have to be here to believe it and you definitely have to know me to understand on any level (yeah, all i ever needed was the one, la la la), but there is just fatigue that gets me down when i don't have the energy to be me, but even then, inside i know i am only sleeping and will be me when i wake up (yeah, love where you left yourself, la la la), so moments after (even during) the grumps and/or drama, i am giggling... i seldom actually mention it like this, i mean, explaining... i usually just type nyuk nyuk or lol lam or cha cha cha or la la la or alas (though the latter three can have much deeper meanings and are not always just happy-go-lucky giggles) or narf (which has as many meanings as any word in any language, but that's another story that will fill an encyclopedia sometime, probably), but it is this sort of giggling laughter that is me inside... (but there is so much more than giggles in giggles (yeah, and so it goes, la la la)... like, really, you are seriously serious?... ummmm, no, but i am supposed to act like a grown up on the outside ya know (like i care what others see?... well, if they are paying me enough, maybe lol lam laa)...

if only somebody understood me, they'd be amazing... narf :)

old journals

i found the earliest entry found so far of the old online journal on the way back machine and who knows, there may even be more... that was 1999... maybe the 'next' links will work, even... that old journal was a daily escape until 2003... i was sometimes into deep babbling back then... sheesh, if you think i am whiney or depressed or negative now you would really be misreading me back them with all the torturous disappointments and traumatic cruelties and monstrous mistreatments and alabaster alliteration and such and such going on back then... yeah, the good old days when i still believed the one really existed and was not quite so cynical, aye?... what?... you think you know me?... are we laughing yet?...

ah, well... you really don't get me if you are not laughing... and if you are concerned about my emotional or psychological condition, well, thanks for caring, but you need to step back and take another look at the words cuz there is so much laughter (not the maniacal kind... usually lol lam) and peaceful smiling and secure happiness (and happy happy joy joy too) and strength of will that carries me through anything (but i so like playing helpless someone save my life tonight sometimes cuz i want to find someone stronger than me, but that's telling so shhhhh and ignore the giggles, m'ok?) and somewhere inside the dream of sharing everything with the one still lives even if i ignore it masterfully most of the time, but that's ok, everybody reads words through their own filters and understanding comes from individual personal experience like the talmud said (so to speak), We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are (even though many attribute the phrase to Anais Nin and others {maybe he knows}, for what it's worth) and whatever were we thinking thinking when we thought we might ever be able to share the exact same view, aye?...

oh those wonderful romantic dreams (and distractions), cha cha cha lol lam laa...

narf :)

gone, not forgotten

(just ten days late, or something like that)

wow, ok, so i stopped writing here (uploading entries) and have not even been online since the last entry (a reaction to just the thought of or just the word deadlines? lol lam) and suddenly, the next however many entries pop up as if they were always here when in thereal they were patched together from memory and the roller coaster of emotions piled up in the corners of my mind from the ten days away and this entry slides in just to keep the timeline honest (cuz we’re in (e)thereal, right?... yeah, right, continue lol lam)…

and the irony is i return to find words from a loving heart left for me all those days ago (could have been today, looking at the date stamps, aye?) and i wish i was here to hug the words on time, but here is the hug as meaningful to me as ever cuz i am just finding the caring and it is rshing through me like a wonderful high (imagine your favorite chemical/food rush… i’ll imagine chocolate, naturally)…

that’s the beauty of love, all the wonderful physiological goodness and none of the calories :)

thank you for being, j, and make your day beautiful (you too rest of the world :)

waking dreaming

well, as if the mere mention of masturbation was enough to open the floodgates of sexuality in this blog, i woke shortly after a wonderful wet dream that i actually remembered for a few moments (i almost never remember dreaming partly because i consciously choose to leave dreams that come while i am sleeping where they belong, in sleep {because there are no rules or laws or inhibitions in those dreams and if i remembered them i might get arrested lol lam oh?... lol lam laa}, where they can be all they can be without human restrictions) and such a sweet smiling wake up it was... i hope you experience similar wonderfulness in your sleep and waking moments too...

good morning :)

the back spasms

muscles can only take so much in this life and every now and then the muscles tighten up so much there must be some change, some slowness, some rest... it just takes the slightest bend or twist the wrong way (often stepping out of a shower when the miscles are loosest) to feel the pinch or twang (maybe the sciatic nerve) and then, sitting is the worst thing i can do... that is unfortunate as sitting and resting was the plan for today since i just got home from the softball world series (each day has a recap entry if you wish to head back to last week and find out how much fun i had... actually though, the entries suck, but the week was fun lol lam)... nine games in five days was not too much of a stretch but the pigging out each night pushed the the lower back muscles to their limits and now, spasms after sitting... fine after moving around a bit, but i want rest...

alas, no partner to massage and comfort the body is too evident on back spasm days... but still, life is so much fun, not even loneliness or back spasms can bring it down... whining helps (though the laughter hurts)...

narf lol lam :)

lol lam :)

well i suppose not (with a capital k, aye?), but it sure was exciting while the moment lasted (ah, the babbler dreams of the time to wander aimlessly through the fields and valleys and mountain peaks and alternative universes and other oddities of the mind of the author to bask in the ambiance and warm in the sunshine and bathe in the rain and dance with the flowers and rocks and molecular structures and ethereal ethers and so on and all that and what a wonderful world it would be {for the babbler, at least} if only... ahhhh, sigh... and the most naturally sweetly peaceful giggle too)...

guess you had to be there lol lam :)

this body, bringing it back to the physical moments, so severely could benefit from a shower... so that is where i shall be very shortly after this update here in the bowels of thereal... waking naturally for the first time in ages, though it may have been the bladder, there was no call to lay back down and a gentle call to come visit the web and for almost two hours i wandered wikipedia and other sites exploring music (or more specifically, warped memories and assorted side shows and as the third song or cd in any collection seems to have a more profound impact on the collection than most others, so did the gorillaz, putting my in mind of a little radiohead, and on through the still more ethereal moody blues and beyond to others... but maybe you hat to be there for that too, aye?)...

morning laughter at everything and anything for no apparent reason feels so wonderful... i hope you find some too today :)

this explains it

well, maybe... it explains something, anyway... i wrote this to an old friend who used to share intimate correspondence for a couple of years and also intimate daily life in physical space for a couple of years cuz i was feeling lonely and wanted to explore why i write so much...

last year after the job suddenly was pulled out from under me in june i started writing more often in (e)thereal partly because i had much more time and partly because i was lonelier and hope for some sort of meaningful connection and correspondence might happen and partly because i saw the statistics for that blog suddenly going up for no apparent reason and ego loves the numbers that suggest popularity even though they are just robots scanning the web and not real people... also, around that time, i started a half dozen other blogs with the idea that one of them might become a new daily blog and the others would keep the daily blog and (e)thereal from being flooded with the whining and complaining and poor-me craps that comes out most every day between the optimistic hopefulness...

and the flood of entries, sometimes a dozen a day or more, continued increasing through the year and into this new year... now that you have found your way back, i realize that part of the flood of entries was inspired by my dream of sharing everything with the one or someone or anyone who cares and the little kid was setting up me being able to say ha ha look at all you've missed and also, i dare you to try to catch up on all this even beyond (e)thereal lololol so i can at once feel the hope that someone might and simultaneously feel the despair that nobody ever will... since you are one of the caring who knows the dreams, you remind me of this sneaky motivation to continue flooding the web with mundane details and irreverent bits of this, that, and whatever, including me...

but still, the primary motivation is to stay in touch with myself and the hope that someone will share more, like share life every day, and i did not think i would continue as long as i have, but it's still going... this week, however, i find some slacking and less motivation to flood an entry every hour or even every two... these lulls have come and gone before during the rather manic writing phase and the inevitable question of worth rises as i ponder the why and what's the point? and even the am i hurting or helping my chances of finding friends and the one by being so openly babbly and vulnerable and ridiculous and irreverent and obscure and silly and emo out here?...

of course the critical worth, like can any of this, properly edited, sell? also rises during these mini-lulls, but someday my editor (and princess and exercise partner and lover and music partner and all the rest will come, right) will come and we'll find the wealth in the babble and live happily ever after on the income from my babbling and his/her editing process... but this is not high on the list of why i write so much or questions of worth and such...

anyway, in past entries i touched upon the sadness and challenge of aging and the loneliness of not sharing daily life as much as i'd like to... jackson isn't home as much, totally understandably and right cuz she's in love, so the loneliness increased over the past month or two... or few... the not playing softball increased it even more in the last few weeks... and yet, i am settled on the acceptance that humans suck and i don't see any close to being able to trust with intimacy and my heart anywhere... but there's always hope, right?... hello? lol lam sigh :)

still, i do continue writing and sharing daily life as much as i can and i wish i had a friend who paid attention to me and gave me feedback on the ups and downs and thoughts and feelings and experiences that pass through me into words in the daily blog...

anyway, i thank you for reminding me in memories of what sharing was once like in words and reinforcing the reason i continue writing writing writing until my fingers and shoulders and neck ache...

back to my blog now, with hope in my heart (cue song lol lam :)

lols and alases

oh really?... no really?... oh ho ho ho :)

read me, read me (click here) and click through the links inside

no no, read and click through on the links in this one

no secrets here, move along

busy weekend, no time for much but the fun involved, though i frown upon arriving home due to the lack of me-time, writing time, and cleaning time (and the place is in a state of extremely obnoxious disarray alas and all, (so i remind myself to stay positive and amused as possible and focus on the fun, and being the silly irresponsible child that i am sometimes, it works :)

not inviting guests over though lol lam sigh :)

and you? :)

conked, zonked, bonked

not necessarily in that order and even with distractions (begging needy dog and pushy begging cat), i suddenly managed to fall asleep... turning off the tv probably helped... and time, time asleep helped... off into dreamland, wherever that may be (i seldom remember dreams, in case you forgot... i wonder how many aspects of who i am and details about me i've repeated over the years and then, how many times and which detail was repeated most... someday someone needs to invent a word recognition program that will tally the words used and provide detailed statistical spreadsheets on words and subjects and so on... wait, i think that exists... cost?... what?... where?... who?... am i sleeping?... am i dreaming?... am it?)...

no, i am not a sniper... just a sleeper (and this will post automatically in a few hours to prove it, right?... there's always hope... nite nite :)

narf lol lam :)

what time?

passing time?... what is passing time, anyway, i mean, we could discuss for hours how it is measured... the psychics and physicists could begin on opposite sides of the room and all sorts of group discussions could pop up between and all around them... outside, even, aye?... meanwhile, i don't know either, but i still wonder...

about time too... snark :)

so... hopefully there is something to smile about in this or some moments in your world (hey, no matter what, i'm gonna keep hoping cuz i care and if there's nothing else i can do, i can hope and care, even if it's just philosophically and metaphorically and in these words, ya know?... i mean, seriously, the sincerity is as real as anything... even as i distract us {or at least myself} with irreverent asides and babble)...

(ok, so here comes the actual e-the-real update part)

meanwhile, here in the e-the-real life since the last entry (as related moments ago to a friend) life has been busy (not even an entry here, after all, though given it is sunday i may do the fill-in thing if nothing else comes up to distract me ya know) and fun... a reasonable amount of exercise at softball practice in the sunny heat, eggplant parm lunch with the team after (not a sauce i will return for, but that's just my personal taste), even drank some alcohol home with jackson in the evening (still not impressed even a little... with alcohol, i mean)... fell asleep early (much heat and exercise since 10am pitching a few hundred pitches and then scrimmage)... i didn't get my shoe off until past 5pm... much fun and not much injury=related pain (much aches from the layoff)... and just woke more awake than ever (or at least as awake as the average very awake wakings on the past few years, i mean, lets not let superlatives get out of hand, aye?) no ill effects from the massive amount of sugar and five bottles cherry-lime alcohol stuff... definitely bouncier and hornier and a bit burpier and maybe lonelier than usual after just four or five hours sleep, perhaps, but still pretty much the same as any other waking at the right time of the sleep cycles... much happy and content and eager to explore, create, and share)... and the excitement continues to build lam :)

so? (ah, the wonders of the simple single syllable ego check :)

really seriously with true caring and honest love, take care of you and kit... castles still burning, world still turning, and you will still come around when you are ready... even without the song references :)

work, work, work, blah

there must be some way outta here, yeah yeah yeah (if she only loved me know)... laughing somewhere, crying somewhere, loving the feeling of being alive and still, lonely for sharing it... hot day, long day, just getting home and hungry and tired and don't wanna cook and wanna hug...

ncaa basketball finals in a few, jackson home in a few too i think, eat and relax and wish you were here (all i ever needed was... lam :)