waking before noon

this life of leisure is quite restful, though i feel a bit bloated today because i ate an after midnight dinner last night rich in fats (herring and sour cream)... oatmeal and flax seed for breakfast, whenever i get a little hungry (maybe an hour or two)... and get out to jog/walk at least a 2.5k today... cuz it is really getting late, alas...

and what is the date?... a day away from the... oh, this is sad... i look up solstice and find the first page is full of advertisements for sunglasses... i look up equinox and find a similar commercial override of information for cars and other stuff... i wonder if there is a search engine that has a no advertising filter... maybe an encyclopedia or wiki or dictionary... alas, the culture is so polluted with consumerism, we have forgotten the faces of our fathers, as roland would say...

though this curiosity might have some merit...

so scrolling down the page i find more pertinent information and of course i ask about the date because the mayan calendar ends tomorrow and there is all sorts of thoughts and prohesies and worries about the world ending (because without a human calendar keeping track of time, how can the world go on, right?... ahem)...

anyway, it would be nice to see some sort of enlightenment happen tomorrow at 11:12 (am) (or any time for that matter, really) and i shall set an alarm just to experience the moment cuz i am a very hopeful and curious being, ya know?...

how quickly we fade

or age, as it is life that is fading... life, stamina, strength, resiliency, and will, at least, fade faster with each passing day... when i was in my teens i would write of how i read of people twice that age feeling like they were running uphill even on a flat surface and people three times that age accepting the inevitable sedentary life of middle age and beyond... i wondered why they did that and whether i would when i got there... and each year i wonder more why i am trudging uphill and laughing at the memories of relatively insatiable and endless energy youth... it's like gravity is getting stronger... perhaps it's the mayan calendar thing... oh sure, make jokes (but that's my way, the mttm, remember?... got to give myself the time to process and heal and then i will suddenly soar again... shhhh, am i telling secrets?)...

and the staring dog who just went out two hours ago, or less, is staring me down as if he's never been outside in his life... how quickly we lose the focus of regaining the concentration that creates the will to continue up the hill...

i just can't give myself (especially the physical, which is too easily injuried by distraction when attemting to push it past limits and i desperatly need to push past current limits because current limits are pathetic - yeah, pathetic, dangit) a few hours of undivided attention here... wah wah wah, i did mention i am pathetic, right?... but seriously consuela, i must do this survive... no, you take me out now...

he's like the maid on family guy, sheesh :}

not sleeping much

and loving every minute of it as friends coax me to push (with a big jolt of help from caffeine) into another later night party mode and we had fun fun fun till the eyes were all closing around me and just eight hours ago when i showed up at the party after moving jackson's stuff for hours in the peak heat of the day and feeling exhausted i was barely able to articulate how tired i was (the conders of the coffee bean and sugar and chocolate) and here we are (after sleeping only four or so hours last night) wired and still gonna go play softabll from 10am to 5pm or so tomorrow cuz the bottom line is i am not gonna find the sharing i am missing by staying home or while i am sleeping, diggity...

and when i die, i die... until then, party on life :)

slight addiction

yes, as i mentioned in my newly templated bullsugar (whatever that is), i am slightly addicted to my current entry in my video me blog cuz it's fun and i miss fun so very much (among other things)... waking ealier than intended but charged with more energy than usual and every kind of desire to share (and some are undulged much more than others, so balance, dangit! (with and without exclamation points) and i sense a rush of missing babble flooding my inner sanctums)...

games, babbles, lusts, intimacies, exercise, more more more!...

yes, i work too much... wanna save me? :)

bright house sucks

two weeks into the service and it's gone, connects for a minute or few at ridiculously slow speed (less than 100kbps) and then disconnects... can't even update the virus files and i have to take time out of my life to wait for a cable guy, twice in the first month...

i desperately need sleep anyway... won't put up with this too long... they must get this a lot cuz the tech guy gave me a free month... so i am back on the att aircard... bad news for brighthouse because the aircard is faster than the brighthouse after a two week trial... and they claim up to 50mbps?... that sucks...

and how are you? :)

sleep fool

the good news is there was a bit of a bubble of babble tonight and though there was not enough time or energy to focus (or unfocus) for realtime babble, no less to slip behind the candoor, there was some babble tonight... and twitters, even (that could be scary)...

still alive, now sleep, dammit! :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

shoulda, coulda, woulda

yeah, slept good last night (not great, but good) and skipped dinner and felt the bloat go away and got home today after an almost two day fast and wasn't really hungry but boom, i eat anyway and suddely i'm hungry ,i>after,/i> i eat dinner... emotional hunger is ridiculous, but i ate some smart start cereal and chocolate milk (fat free) for dessert and once again, feel the bloat...

i did write a bit and downloaded some of the blogs as an xml file (with no formatting) and am looking for a way to actually download the blogs as whole blogs... and att just sent me an email telling me they are discontinuing their web site service so i must find a way to download all of the pages over there in the next few weeks or they'll go pooof, all gone, like the disney sites did... the words are worth saving, after all, cuz someday...

anyway, shoulda skipped dinner tonight and reinforced the fast, maybe some grapefruit and a yogurt... coulda gotten back on the lighter eating lighter body track... woulda been a good thing instead of just a good idea... yea yeah yeah yeahhhhh (thank you beatles :)

so how was your night? :)

writing a little

yes, up late, nearling or passing the magical 4am mark, regularly these days (and the eyes and muscles and everything physical is showing the fatigue, alas), but what for, what is to come of shortening the life space through lack of sleep by staying awake and writing writing writing?...

this is no place for philosophical conundrums, and besides, who has time :)

make today wonderful :)

i was supposed to sleep tonight

cuz i have softball practice in four hours and it is close to freezing outside, which means muscles won't want to stretch much and fatigue just makes injury all the more possible... dummy...

me and my nocturnal lover's hours :)

sleep is good

waking to find my mind playing poker and waiting for a moron who is cheating to present his queens up full house which he and other morons at the table expect to beat my four tens after another player went all in, forcing almost everyone else to go all in as well... i wonder what happened when he finally revealed his hand and started swooping on the pot when i corrected him and others and showed them the rules of the game they were playing (4-of-a-kind beats a full house)... they'd probably want to fight, which is why i rarely play cards or any game for money with strangers...

must be leftover thoughts from falling asleep watching the macho morons of florida wipe the field with the uncoached hapless cincy team... the intimidation factor always goes too far with some teams and florida is one as their secondary was allowed play after play of interference, their defence was allowed play after play of late hits and helmet to helmet hits, and their offense was allowed play after play of holding with hardly any penalties called... they are a suberbly trained and coached team, but every game i watch they get away with more than other teams, which is par for the course in every sport for the top atheletes... which is wrong, but part of the real american way...

here, i'll let me social conscience rant a moment... it goes beyond "it isn't cheating or a crime unless you are caught" and "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"... in the real, it isn't cheating unless you are called for it... moreover, it isn't a crime unless you are convicted of it... you can be seen doing it and even caught and arrested, but if the other card plays ignore the rules, you didn't cheat... or in football, if the refs don't see or ignore what you are doing, you didn't commit a penalty... even in legal crime, you are presumed innocent, remember?... except in the media and the minds of the masses (lynch mobs) who love to convict without a trial... the layers of hypocrisy in otherwise excellent ideas can astound or even blow an open mind... luckily there are so few, so very little astounding (or blowing) goes on... at least not of minds...

yeah, sleep is good... hope you enjoy yours too :)

still awake, but vegetative

buzzing a lot cuz the snacks and goodies are still around and this is the final weekend before the healthy fasting weight dropping serious exercising and all that starts again (or so the rumor goes) and the football continues in the background on the tv as ohio state just won the rose bowl (and if they could only bear a southeast conference team, rasputin could die happy... i wonder if he and his brother went to the game since he is living with his brother in arizona these days... i wonder if he is working yet... anyway, i like to see ohio state win cuz he and precious are such big fans)... and now, the florida game...

i expect florida to blow out cinncinati mostly because cincy doesn't have their coach cuz their coach took a job with notre dame and the rules say he has to completely abandon his committment to the players he recruited and coached all year just before the biggest game of the season and quite likely the biggest game of most of their lives... that simply sucks and is the worst example of sportsmanship and leadership the ncaa provides, not to mention a potentially humiliating betrayal for the young kids in college...

the other reason i expect a blow out is cuz cincy does not play anyone close to florida's caliber all year and while i am very turned off by the arrogance and stupid macho immaturity prevailing amongst florida fans (and many media mouths), they are very well recruited, training, coached and prepared for their games in every way except sportsmanship and maturity. so they can win big and win a lot, if not well (so representative of the worst of us arrogance in the world, but that's a whole other grating of the flesh, aye?)...

football is, in many ways, like war... but as ridiculous as it is, there are even rules of conduct in war... never mind, ridiculous it is :}

i''ll probably nod off during this game since it's the last of the day and i've not slept since last year and it'll probably not interest me for a myriad of reasons... the highlights will be on tomorrow... i hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing this first day of the new year :)

after a nap

of almost exactly 4 hours (i wonder if am i the only one with such a precise internal clock or if it is an abnormality of my mind... another explanation for my aloneness, if i was looking for one) and i flip on the tv to listen to and glance up at football games (but find that the news is blaring the usual stories about people who died or got hurt or did other stupid things last night and worse, the top news story is the fox-bright house war... what a culture)...

hope you are healthy, happy, and enjoying the heck out of everything :)

well that was exciting

and will be quite painful in the morning... and probably the most powerful sign and message that it is time to re-negotiate my lifestyle and habits with myself quite immediately, though it may not be done as immediately as it ought to be... see, in my rush to get the laundry out of the dryer so the next load can get into the dryer so it wouldn't wrinkle more than it already had in the time it sat waiting for me to remember i was doing laundry (finally) so i could make it to the tv in time to see the opening of craig's show (cuz it's vital to the continued peace on earth and good will toward men and women too that i actually witness the opening of craig's show, even though it may be ridiculously pointless to risk life and limb to get in front of the tv when the show is a rerun, but that's besides the point), i slipped on a dryer sheet that i neglect to pick up regularly out of sheer laziness and perhaps some sort of depression or at least apathy and ambivalence on some level (and pondering the possibility of actually breaking a hip and laying naked and motionless in agonizing pain for days until someone came over cuz i didn't show up for work for a week and someone finally decided to call the police to check on me or something and sadder still that if might taken longer due to the holidays, not to mention the awkwardness there would inevitably be due to the nudity) and fell quite profoundly hard to the floor...

really quite profoundly hard...

seriously, ouch...

hard floor too, being a fake tile substance in the kitchen... i don't think i broke anything, though i have a very high tolerance for pain and the three specific areas of concern that struck the floor quite severely may just be too numb to determine the actual extent of the injury with great accuracy, but hoping nothing was borken i must reflect that it is a combination of luck, seriously strong bones, and amazing reflexes that surprised me as i landed on my right firearm/elnow flat enough to the power of the blow was distributed along the entire forearm and therein hopefully did not strike with enough force to break anything and thn there's the right knee, which has been taking a beating this past year in softball and did not need to be part of this exciting event, but i am still thinking nothing is broken, however i am probably quite accurate in assessing that this will be quite painful in the morning...

yes, there is a modicum of swelling and discoloration already, being the slippage occurred only ten minutes ago, so i would advise myself to put ice on it if i was going to take my advise... holding ice to three different places is such a chore though, aye?... hurt less and heal faster if i keep the swelling down, sure sure, but there is work in the morning and i really ought to get the laumdry done so i can get some sleep..

where's my nurse, anyway?...

alas, alone sucks sometimes...

so anyway, i hope your night was just as exciting, though a whole lot less painful :)

home again

the place is a wreck, piles of laundry, boxes half packed/unpacked, and just way too much stuff i do not use sitting around gathering dust... the habits must change, which is probably the best reason for me to enter into another roommate situation...

we should know by the end of this week, i think... in the mean time, i should try to get some sleep tonight... and start eating less sugar, fat, and party food... so get on that, right... uh-huh...

wired crossing

the party continues today as the food was good and the leftovers were even better after i got home and the madness that would have been exploded here somehow popped over to the bullsugar perhaps because i hope it's not as real as it might be or perhaps because i enjoy the pretense of confusion and mazeology, or something like that...

yeah, anyway, this babbling may be meaningless in the end, even the breif serious attempts to keep in touch, but if just one person believes, then the faries do not die...

i mean, hope your day was fun too... and get some rest :)

right on right on

so besides being still awake, bloated by pizza and pasta and ice cream and chocolate and dr pepper cherry, and feeling the stress/strain on the body inside out (including the heart muscle), i started yet another new blog, the thirtieth (approximately) here at blogspot...

scary, no doubt...

feel free to voice your complaints there (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

try to sleep, aye?

but i slept all day and while i might have vegged and fallen back to sleep at the normal human how tonight, instead, i went out to yet another party and feasted on junk food and sweets and dr pepper and came home wired once again and so what if i am going to get up in the morning to apartment shop and then head to a party in the afternoon and another later in the evening and continue on through the night... life will continue, with or without me... and i;ll enjoy it while i can... so, more food, drink, and be merry... all by myself, since no one who keeps my ridiculous hours is here at hand... and i hope you are enjoying every moment of your life too :)

give in, please

sleep, yes, sleep has become the obsession of the subconscious (and just about every cell in the physical body)... it is only the conscious mind that that loves to play so much that it simply shrugs off sleep and continues continues continues doing whatever it is i am doing whether i am out with people and hoping someone stays awake with me or after i get home and let the web and words and whatever slip through my mind and dance without reason and play without meaning and even glance up at the tv when the music isn't playing and lost in the sleep deprived psychosis is the depth and dream and whetever else was me, once upon a time...

so i slept tonight :)

blurry head

another day of work (on call weekends keep me running running running and eating almost to my heart's content (with gallons of caffeinated beverages) certainly does not help as the extra food just makes the body work harder to digest and process and store and then, the extra pounds just make the body work harder to move, every movement, and then, the night after night playing ball or going to parties or simply staying up to watch craig, yes, craig is my secret lover drinking me to drink power shakes in the middle of the night when i really ought to be sleeping (as it was in the beginning, so goes the night, yes, one long night, of this life)...

just look at the date, for crying out loud, it's amazing i've been so sane for so long... please, take care of yourself... and your children... for the night has no mercy on lovers who give up on love...

quark...