Saturday, June 30, 2012

hanging on, day by day

and maybe repetitive... that's life, day by day, especially when it challenges... separate the inner challenges from the outer challenges and focus on the solutions that will either reduce or eliminate the challenges or make the challenges a positive experience... learn always... and that is what i am doing... the usery and disrespected from the last employer is not a reflection on my worth, it is not a threat to my value, it will not trigger my insecurity... ignorance is only a threat when i subject myself to it by giving the ignorance power over me... i am free of that now, the job separation was a blessing that i should have had the guts to do on my own terms, so that is my learning experience... the inner challenge...

and outside, the challenge of the judgmental nature of job hunting, that shall not be confused with the inner issue of confidence and security... i know my abilities, i know my limits, i shall work within them... job interview rejections and not to be personalized, they are just looking for the best business match for them and i am prepared with the knowledge that i am far past being the best business match for most businesses... accept it, deal with it... continue to focus on the positive and hope for the opportunity to work again...

the rest of the challenges, inner and outer, fatigue, stress, depression, loneliness, the foot, the clutter, the history/baggage, the estate issues, even the money and closure with the last job, secondary... prioritize them, exercise and heal the foot, closure with the job and estate lawyer to secure the money, balance the budget, those come first, basic survival... the clutter, clean up and rest, serious rest... and then, or anytime the opportunity might arrive, find the one... note the priority changes as the opportunities present themselves...

hope your day was productive too :)

and the time slides by so quickly

dinner was delicious, pork loin roast and mashed potatoes (jackson was in the mood so she ran out and bought some) and salad and ice cream with whipped cream... yummy yummy yummy... playing words with friends and draw something and watching sports on tv and talking and poof, the afternoon and evening are almost gone... this is life... boring to read maybe, but hey, recorded so i know it isn't all fun and games (wait, today was all fun and games, start again)... boring to read maybe, but recorded so i know life is not always something to write home about, or something like that...

hope your day was as relaxing and fun too :)

we're back

well, i am, you will be when you get here... jackson got home and i woke and now, we shall play and watch tv and then eat and enjoy a relaxing day at home... no work today, just relax and enjoy the moments... this is the essence of life... the only way it gets better is when it is shared even more deeply, profoundly, intimately, and meaningfully (yeah, like someday my princess will come, ya know?)... but even without the one or the deeper sharing, this is the best we can do...

enjoy your day too :)

maybe sleep a little

though the day is beautiful, some sleep would be wise based on experience and the science that i know, so i shall pause in my conscious constant waiting for the next interaction and close my eyes until jackson gets back (she's out on a bike ride)...

hope you are enjoying your day too :)

now it gets fascinating

breakfast... the last time i ate an american breakfast was probably a few 5k's ago because i sometimes go out to a specialty american breakfast place after a 5k cuz others do that... many months ago, at least... probably not this year... and the last time i cooked an american breakfast at home was longer still, maybe a few years or more... i think... i might have forgotten, but i don't want to take the time to read back 2500 or so entries to see if i mentioned it here... and so today is unique cuz i just cooked up a cheese and fried onion omelette, fluffed with a touch of heavy cream... also had some turkey bacon... turkey bacon doesn't fry, does it?... anyway, an american breakfast and the day continues (just didn't feel like sleeping... watching rizzoli and isles on demand... who wouldn't want rizzoli on demand, after all... yeah, fascinating, toldja)... luckily there are a few more creatively absurd entries this past week or i might lose my two followers (narf)... good morning breakfast blog lovers...

all that's missing is a perky little maid to clean up...

almost went to bed

but when the sun came up happiness came out and begged for a walk so we went out and the cool morning was refreshin and since jackson is going bike riding this morning, i checked her bike and the tires were flat and the chain was rusty so i used some wd-40 to clean the chain (she needs to get some bike chain oil) and filled the tires... she has a nice 15 speed bike... i don't have a bike down here so i am staying home... a bike would be a test of the foot too and i am not so sure the foot would be ready... it's cool enough to leave the porch door open for a while, so happiness is happy (he loves to be outside... me too... definitely need more of that)...

i've been skipping social events regularly for the past two months mostly due to the foot (and now, due to self-imposed budgetary restrictions, there shall be no unnecessary driving and very limited other expenses for now)... meanwhile the tv just said that flossing adds 6.4 years to your life... something about the reduction of bacteria that can attack your heart and other organs... and having family around extends like 7 years... wow, i'm losing 13.4 years off my potential life (yeah, i don't floss)... but they say eating nuts daily adds almost 3 years... got that covered... the guy talking looks kinda loopy though... i do mouthwash a couple of times a day though, wonder if that's good or bad... what?... yeah, this entry shows i have not slept - previous entries are probably a whole lot more interesting...

i missed sharing all-nighters with friends...

life just continues

so now that i have the time and the laptop always available cuz i am home so much, the entries just continue... this, i suppose, is a progression towards more mobile online communications like the two most popular at the moment, facebook and twitter... maybe the next smart phone i get will be used for tweeting, facebook communication, and bloggin, but for now i just text and talk and only occasional do the respond to text type of tweeting or facebooking... there is a blog that i can access through tweets, but since blogger only allows one, it's not the main one... it is more of a specialty blog that is not very defined, but tends to move toward the lonely hours when i am away from the laptop... but the max-communication some do (like tweeting a hundred times a day or facebooking dozens of times a day, well, i am just not that connected yet...

but i am around a lot more to update this daily update place which has several potential effects (and affects)... either you will be thrilled with all the more mundane details and the seemingly endless getting-to-know-me process or you will miss a lot of potentially wonderful moments as you may only catch a few of the dozens of weekly entries... i leave out the possibility of annoying you because, after all, if you are annoyed and continue to return, you may not actually really be annoyed, but that's a philosophical discussion we can have at some other time when we are actually having a discussion... yeah, reality is i am first babbling here to keep in touch with myself and if you are reading, yay, but communicating takes more regular, well, communicating, hence the soliloquy style of this mostly monologue blog... i appreciate know there is a silent reader of few out there though, so i hope nobody goes away just cuz i am updating more often again...

and please look back (older entries) when you stop by cuz other entries might be a whole lot more interesting than these... i've even added photos and images lately, in case you didn't know... and you must know by now how much i sometimes crave attention (hopeful smiles all around)...

yeah, so i updated the table of contents blog and the June list of links to entries will be automatically posted around 1am tomorrow and i updated the sites i saw blog with about a dozen entries filling every date for this month and and more than thirty blogs were updated in the past twenty days and seven more since the first of may (just counting the blogspot blogs, tumblr was updated a couple of times and other places and all this probably belongs in the blogging blog, which may see an entry tonight too, but i just stopped by here to let you know... cuz i am awake, alone, have the time and feel like sharing more...

hope you are sleeping well, or having fun too :)

places i remember

in my life, i've loved them all... and then, there's that san francisco too... i've left my heart in many places, a few in particular... and then, there i was listening to background tv, flashpoint, and they mentioned some places i remember and found myself wanting to remember more so i googled and found places i left so much stuff in storage, paying every month still to keep the stuff there, and places i remember living... go blast from the past, wow... so anyway, yeah... some time i might tell someone all about it, if someone ever asked, eye to eye... and i had the time...


so casual, aye? :}

Friday, June 29, 2012

ice cream, almost social

what i mean is (ah, i miss you harry, with a wistful smile), life is lonely as i search search search for jobs and stay home cuz the foot is still healing and i definitely can't afford an injury looking for a job or starting a new job and without health insurance and i am spending zero money as much as possible each day and job searching is such a judgmental experience so the only person is see most days or almost every day is jackson (poor baby, she deserves a big reward, i know) and jackson works late and goes to bed early so i hardly see her, so not much social, but tonight there is ice cream (see, she so deserves a reward, she stopped on the way home for chocolate trinity and whipped cream so yay :)

me, tv, chocolate trinity... a few missing pieces, but it's a good life :)

sleeping is good too

yes, i must keep focused on the job search and not get lazy or complacent, but also must enjoy the time off and let the body rest like it hasn't rested in more than a decade, since 2000... no pure week off vacation doing nothing but vacationing since february 2011, so i better not waste this time off... right... time for a few resume sends and searches and then, enjoy the weekend... alone, because as the song says, that's how it must be (dontcha just love the drama?... or maybe the self-mockery?... or something?... well i hope you love something cuz life without love is just sucks, really, and i don't want yours to suck, really)...

and just so you know, if all we share are words, your words are loved...

do something good for yourself today :}

was still here

watching the end of some non-fiction show on some educational channel before taking the body to bed cuz there are just too many brain cells calling out for more stimulus even after 16-18 hours awake and only getting 4-5 hours sleep each night... starting tomorrow i shall sleep until i wake cuz how often can i have such a luxury, after all (not since the 90's, but then, a whole lot of people could not ever say they had years of sleeping until they wake on a regular basis and i have more than a decade of that sweetness in this adult life, so who am i to complain narf narf)... definitely ought to make the most of this time off though...

rest, exercise, cleaning house inside and out, yup...

and still updating here cuz ya never know when the one might stop in, or a friend who can (has the time off) and wants to come over and really get to know me (and vice versa) and share life... yeah, some day my prince will come... for now, off to bed...

one small leap

that's right, one small leap into myself and nack into the written gardens was taken tonight... in the blog that sort of introduces me and my babblings and rhymes and rambles and such by posting excerps from and expanded versions of letters and emails i write to friends, old and new, about who i am and/or what's going on in the written gardens, i took that one small leap (must thank a friend for caring enough to inspire me to believe the desire to know was enough to write that and just may start a new wave of introductions, i mean, why should it only be a job search, aye?)... yay for the written gardens... yay for anybody who wants to know... yay... no worries, the amazing previous entries are still there too (oh so sarcastic, or is it?... fun?... hope so)... other stuff happened today, but i'll update the rest in previous entries later...

yeah, just for you :)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

stuff done today

that's right, stuff was done today... not as much stuff as yesterday, but stuff was done... today... after scouring the web for yet another day, i sent a resume or two out... like i said, not as much as yesterday... the day was interrupted by happiness who was not feeling well... he was sleeping when i woke and didn't wake until the maintenance guys banged on the door... yeah, two days in a row interrupted by maintenance... at least this time we asked them to come... they fixed jackson's toilet... i know, you just had to know that...

after they left, happiness was still lethargic... he had not eaten all day... not sure if he drank anything... and i don't think he ate last night either... and then jackson texted me and told me to read the fridge... yeah, she has to text me to tell me to read the note she left for me on the fridge... life with me is exciting, isn't it?... so the note told me happiness was sick this morning, vomit and diarrhea... yes, i know, you just had to know that too... try not to visualize too much... i know, not easy given my graphic writing style... stephen king would be proud... or not, anyway...

he finally ate after begging for food after i cooked dinner... we went out after that and he pooped a bit, a little loose but not diarrhea, and peed only a bit... he didn't drink today and did pee earlier, so... but then about thee tenth time he tried to mark his territory but had no pee to do it with, he peed out some dark fluid that looked like blood... just a bit, but still... so we are watching closely and hoping it is a bacterial infection that he will kick on his own or a kidney infection or stone that too will pass on it's own... hope...

so that was the focus of the day... priorities reset a bit... told the peanut gallery in my brain to calm down... also talked to the estate lawyer and maybe there will be some money to help me enjoy the summer instead of spending it stressing over the job search... a stress free job search is much better... and realistically, a decent search takes a couple of months if i don't want to settle for the first offer that comes along... less desperation would be good...

life goes on, ya know? :}

woke as usual

though there is no usual these days except for the staring at the screen and pushing buttons life of the online job search... it is much easier, mostly, than the old newspaper job search, but only a little more fun cuz i love computers... but all the tedious revisions to resumes and cover letters is getting old (and it's only been two weeks, sheesh)...

yeah, another day, don't let it over-excite you..

or maybe not

trusting instincts and letting my open mind and acceptance and tolerance out, that is (coming out of the closet as an open honest accepting supporter of freedom and equality and justice for all?... how self-destructive can one get, aye?... wait, there's a serious point here somewhere)... so will this sort of sharing or oreos and milk, even

hinder my survival?... i mean, people, humans, especially around here, are seriously xenophobic practically to the point of being panophobic to the point of being paranoid to the point of being paralyzed (or dangerously defensive) whenever faced with change or someone with a different thought or idea about how life should be comes along...

and while my facebook appears to go relatively unnoticed based on comments and participation, it (as well as so many of my blogs, actually) are publicly accessible by anyone and more than a few of my almost thousand facebook friends have texted or called for more info and referrals for jobs so some people are actually reading (and caring and taking me seriously) and prospective employers may look in and that in a nutshell (or nuthouse, even) is what brings me to the question at hand, will sharing images and ideas like those in the previous post or attempts at humor like this or even tweets like these in public hinder my professional career?...

what if a prospective employer thought i was gay, after all?... and what if i was?... or how about accepting all religions?... or rejecting them, for that matter... what if i they thought i was was an atheist, after all?... and what if i was?... omigosh, a gay atheist?... at least i am not a hispanic black women, aye?... and what if i was?... not the sort of humor for the board room, i suppose... but then, is it humor?...

and what is humor?...

perhaps i really should stay away from the junk food and caffeine, aye?...

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

and then there was junk food

suddenly, energy pulses through my body, but the spirits remain conflicted... and yet, i found myself posting to facebook, mostly cuz i found inspiration and wanted to share it to perhaps attract some positivity... of course every good intention can and often does backfire, which is why i am where i am in life, but that's a long and winding road that leads almost nowhere, or here, for that matter... so there was this one (tagged)


and this one
and who knows, maybe the positivity and humor will inspire others and even bring some positive interaction cuz i sure could use some these days... mostly i am ignored by my almost one thousand facebook friends, but that's probably because i post stuff that may be awkward for a lot of people... that's only cuz i am awkward for a lot of people, being too honest and open and trusting and unafraid of the stuff that they are afraid of, mostly... anyway, did the junk food and caffeine have a positive or negative effect on my affect?...

who's to judge, aye?

cleaning and doing stuff

and hungry... eating minimally lately... a half a ham sandwich with no condiments and a yogurt yesterday... a yogurt and can of vegetable soup and some carrots today... drank little, only water and a few sips of juice... and then, talked jackson into bringing home taco bell, so will pig out tonight when she gets here... and mountain dew... it has not been a fun day...

positivity is not always easy to maintain... and the near fasting from lack of appetite does not appear to be having a positive effect on my affect, or spirits, for that matter... walking more and getting out to the post office neither... but then, it could be the reality i have to face and deal with that i faced today that has just as much effect... or affect... we shall see whether changing the diet, adding fat and junk and caffeine and sugar, has a different effect... or affect...

meanwhile, the challenges continue... adobe reader still won't work... need all the computer tools i can get on this job search... so i shall return to trying to positively fix stuff now...

you? :}

doing stuff

well, sort of... went to the post office and picked up mail then called the former employer to inquire about money... payroll was going to pay my vacation in one limp sum which would bite in taxes... hr said it would be prorated to avoid that... hr is out all week, so i asked them to hold up and wait until hr comes back on monday... meanwhile, i have the severance package letter and it is a whole lot of legaleze that advises i contact an attorney to review it before signing...

and then the pipes exploded...

ticking off the business

ok, so i mean taking care of business but i am not liking the world so i am more ticking off the items, not upsetting them much except that i am reducing my bills so therein telling them i will be paying them less each month cuz i don't need some of the services i am currently paying for, like all the extra phone minutes, for instance - and the extra phone lines may have to go next if those who use them can't start paying for them starting in august (yes, i am covering this month too, hush, i am not cutting people off suddenly, but after what, four years or so, paying for others phones does have to finally stop)... so one down, reduced phone bill, done... a lot to go...

the mountain is looking better every day (another dual meaning reference in case you didn't know)... hope your day is smiling for you... i do intend to be back later :}

nocturnal

six hours ago i was nodding off, eyes closing, losing consciousness, slipping into suddenly wonderfully blissful sleep... something woke me, a question and short walk to jackson's bathroom and maybe rizzoli & isles and here we are, six hours later and i am sort of wide awake... an hour ago i paused the job search (yeah, picked it up again after i woke) and started watching tv... and now i am watching house... so much to do tomorrow, am i avoiding it (definitely) or is this just the natural nocturnal circadian rhythm of this body (even more definitely)... i really should start the car, it's been ten days and the battery may die...

the hair, did i mention i cut the hair... impulsively, just straight across the back hair line so it looks chopped and now needs expensive remodeling... jackson has a good expensive hair stylist i might find my way too... maybe... spending model on looking good to make more money, it's such a stupid game we play... i really want to give it up... meanwhile, i have so few truly professional business clothes, must do laundry before any interview... cleaned up the dining room area some tonight... hardly ate today, half a ham sandwich, no condiments, no cheese, and a yogurt... reaching for kit kats now... hope it puts me to sleep... where is that calms forte stuff?...

kit kats are better... four snack size yum... pick up monitor and other personal belongings, check on how mucvh vacation time i have and will be paid for, find out what's in the blue folder (go to post office to pick up what was in the blue folder that hr forgot to give me that has a 21 day limited time offer attached, some sort of mini-severance package, no health insurance... find out when health insurance runs out (probably this week)... start taking home physical therapy for the foot and leg much more seriously so healing continues and i move better during interviews...

continue internet job search... continue resumes and cover letters modifications, sending out, hope alive, eat something...

are you still not here? (narf)...

facebook friends

i've got almost a thousand kind of suddenly... in the last month or so more than a hundred friends appear to have appeared at least in the count on my page... they don't have good friend sorting features at fb, so i can't sort by date added and find out who all these new people might be, but maybe one will help with the job search...

ya'd think?

ah, but realistically i personally know (as in offline) just a couple of hundred of the fb friends and even then, just one actually called for contact info... it would be nice if our of a thousand friends i've find some job connections, but just a few people ever even respond to my fb... probably cuz i don't wander around writing on other walls and hardly every respond to others anymore, especially now, but still... it would be nice if, when a fb friend calls out for help, fb friends rally round...

but that is fb, not so much real, more of an intellectual exercise and distraction... at least for me... maybe it's different for others... maybe the world is different for others too (laughing at my self for reasons you may never understand, but it's better than crying, ya know?)...

nite nite, i think :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

not a sleep day

i nodded off here in the chair a couple of hours ago and moved over to the couch and daytime noises woke me and then all the stuff i need to do started talking to me, especially loose ends i have to tie up at the old job cuz they didn't exactly make it easy, but that's the way it is there no matter how much blood sweat and tears you give the place... just get it done... i have friends there who will help... anyway, the job search calls...

but first, a comment on a previous entry kind got my spam sensor sniffing just cuz of the feel of the language and out of the bluish past entry comment, but i still i think this site is a fantastic idea and not just cuz it supports my lifelong professional and personal goals of helping others and encouraging communication (on and offline) and keeping in touch... it is a business plan though... yay for keeping in touch...

and now, back to sending out resumes...

bumpy ride

which is pretty much the story of this life as i've known it cuz i don't always take the beaten path (though i stay on it after i beat it a while)... then suddenly two very positive communications, one reminder of support from a friend who's gonna help me tie up loose ends at the old place and one breath of fresh air phone call from one of my favorite friends who showed her amazing heart by reaching out for my contact info so she can send my name to people she knows in hiring positions (she's one of the best connected people i know it seems what with her new endeavors into her own PR firm)... so a shot of adrenaline and ending the work day on a high...

hope you do too :)

hey, i thought i was off for the night

yeah, i'm off, off my rocker, off the wall, and definitely off the beaten path... so i spent the last few hours searching for more jobs and refining more resumes and cover letters and now, sea world and universal studios have my resume... the jobs are most likely not sustainable, that is, the pay probably is way below what i need, but who knows... maybe a supervisor of quality assurance at the guest relations center gets more than minimum wage... or they'll tell me i'm overqualified... wait, think positive, i didn't just waste the last three hours, right...

and someday my princess will come too...

no snarking on interviews, aye?

balancing the precarious

ok, tough day... sanity is such a precarious balance... as is emotion... and survival, for that matter... watching wild nature shows probably didn't help, but then, probably better than watching violent criminal shows... don't need any fuel for negativity like anger or revenge even if ethics would support the fact that some people deserve to be brought down... yeah, tough day...

meanwhile, i have the bestest friend and roommate right now who provides the most wonderful distractions and support and tonight, dinner and a surprise bag of goodies and she stayed up waaay past her bedtime to play... a heart of gold... that's her, but what she brought home was a book of variety puzzles and games (to distract me between sending out new resumes and cover letters while waiting for responses to arrive), a spritz puffer ball (weird fun looking fun stress ball, also might produce odd massages), flarp noise putty (yeah, fart sounds in a squishy silly-putty-ish glob in a can), a can of silly string, a code red, a pack of kit kats, bags of doritos, and one of the funniest silly cards ever all in this gift bag like it's my birthday or something... see, she understands that any day is a party, spontaneous gifts are precious, and being children is one of the best things we can do to enjoy life... living with her is a lifesaver at this point (keep hope in front of the fear then, dummy... ummmm, ok)...

so hang in there, right kid?

Monday, June 25, 2012

texted tonight

well, finally tore myself away from the exciting and rewarding life of searching the internet for potential jobs, trying to screen through the spam and phishing so i don't lose my identity, revising resumes and cover letters and emails to find the precise words to convince some stranger that i could learn what i need to know about the job he or she is offering so fast they can overlook the fact that i don't have all of the prerequisite skills, and took a shower...

and then i sent some texts to jackson (with parenthetic commentary for you, lucky you):

sent out another dozen resumes roday (cuz i wouldn't want her panicking about my depressive lethary and how close i am to leaping off tall buildings, after all) also just got out of the shower (for the record, there was no intent to titillate anyone there) and may have gotten a bit impulsive on my head... my heart was not in it... and the scissors refused to cut and after about twenty minutes my hands cramped and arms got tired and drugs would be good about now (is that my long and winding road to confessing i can no longer sing i almost cut my hair with any real authenticism?... is authenticism a word?... am i getting lost in a tangental distraction?... what?) wish i was hungry so i could pig out on something... heh... (maybe the parenthetic asides are detracting from the brilliance of the texts, i wish craig fergusen and geoff were here for consultation... maybe later if the add doesn't get in their way)...


ok, try again without the commentary...

Sent out another dozen resumes today. Also just got out of the shower and may have gotten a bit impulsive on my head... my heart was not in it... and the scissors refused to cut and after about twenty minutes my hands cramped and arms got tired and drugs would be good about now. Wish i was hungry so i could pig out on something... heh...

I also have a grey beard. I am old. Boo. I need a young girlfriend and sports car so I can go through midlife crisis properly. If you are laughing then my misery could be used for good?

I am stopping my workday now and putting on the tv. Why do I feel like I am cheating?

Happiness just pooped the the biggest poo I ever saw him poop. Shhhh. It's right outside but not where anybody walks much. I was barefoot and didn't go get it. The grass will grow much better on that spot. He told me he couldn't wait another few minutes even though you were supposed to be home any minute now.


if i could only stop my mind...

(e)thereal

maybe the change i am contemplating will happen and maybe not, but for now the this is (e)thereal... especially if i want the new place to focus on the new life and positivity... the new life does not begin in this transition between jobs... the new life requires some income or the stress and tension and fear and danger and clouds of depression and pits of death hang way too close to the real...

yeah, time to take a break from the job hunt and another batch of resumes and letters are out there... so i ride the wild roller coaster between hope i might get a call or email invite to an interview when i find a few jobs that convince me to send resumes with specialized cover letters, few, so few, and the other end, the dark scary hole of what if nothing comes and how long will the $ last... gotta shush the dark scary stuff, that just makes the hole bigger and holes like that like to swallow poor little innocents like me when we let them get too big... it's all imaginary, after all... yeah, that's the ticket (where's jon lovitz when you need a good salesman)...

so how's your day? (narf)

it's gonna be alright

i'm going back to bed though...

i mean, just in case...

considering a new start

as the title suggests, i am considering starting over in this blogging life with a daily life blog (which isn't always simple, but could be)... i think the primary reason is this (e)thereal blog has become a bit babbly and whiney and more downbeat and negative than i'd like and while i do not want to fake a shiney happy life, i would like to re-adust my attitude and find more positivity in my mind and a new blog might help (i think bullsugar might have been a step in that direction, but it never actually because a replacement daily life blog... and this (e)thereal blog certainly did mostly success in the goal of writing briefer more to the point daily life entries when it took over from real time which was pretty much a failed attempt to move on from pure babbling that was behind the candoor which was an attempt at more of a daily life blog branching off from the heartbeat creative writing planet candora, which {this could go on for a while, not including branches}... ah, digression is the nemesis of decision, aye?)... anyway, that was the thought over the course of this sleepless night...

what?...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

head up please

and not up my ass, please... i must shake the blue depressing feelings and face the reality of no income with hope and positivity... worry and downbeat thoughts will only get in the way... it ain't easy, especially alone, but hey, that's life as i know if for a long time now... i've loafed around focused almost completely on writing and researching this past week... resumes and cover letters needed revising and individualizing... and searching the web for jobs takes time...

but this week i must add a steady dose of walking and stretching and exercising and rehabilitation for the foot and leg, especially now that i won't be going for physical therapy... i will limp into interviews when i finally get them (hope and positivity), but i will limp less and stop limping with steady rehab... so head up please, cuz down is not the way to go...

hope life is smiling for you :}

feelings are such real things

yeah, feelings... the title reference, if you don't get it, is to a song from free to be you and me and that's the only clue you get cuz i've got to have some fun teasing even today... feeling very (extremely) alone and down today... painfully, even...

while i am comfortable alone, it is sad to the ache when i have challenges like i have today and no one to bounce thoughts off... leading to the feeling... but the way to get through is to find clarity without letting feeling get in the way, to find rational thought and explore all the possibilities available and then the make best decisions possible...

the reality of pending no income is scary... the lack of appreciation and respect from a job i gave my best to for more than 11 years is hurting... the fact that i have many successes and high level professional and personal references helps a little, but doesn't change the scary...

so maybe some self-assessment will help... finances, money, the way the world is set up - i've always hated it and never spent much time thinking about it... most of this life i've lived way more comfortably than others in this luxury-oriented country and much more comfortably than most of the people in this world... and for brief periods i gave away everything and ended up literally on the street...

sharing life with jackson changes my choices... she couldn't afford this space without me so i must find income and seriously cut down on expenses... that motivation will hopefully keep me off the streets which is probably a good thing, but adds to the pressure big time... my choice however, without question, i would rather stay here with jackson than leave her hanging and leave orlando and risk the street life again... limiting the job search to orlando makes prospects much lower and with the cost of gas and an old car, could raise expenses which cannot be met... the loss of income could not have come at a worse time...

looking at some details... really bad timing... over $4000 on my primary credit card and usually keep that under $2000... and savings is at the lowest ebb it's been in the last 9 years... the market for jobs paying what i've been getting for the past five years doesn't seem to exist in oorlando... so going down the scale, over $25 an hour is nearly non-existent... over $20 is just as bad... over $15 is very minimal... i could not meet my own monthly bills under $15 an hour... breaking point is hopefully the end of the summer, but hopefully that is conservative... scary... and those i help financially each month (beyond jackson) are not in a position to take over the bills i pay for them... not the perfect storm, but not a dengerous one...

not a pretty picture, but nothing that another steady decent paying job won't go a long way to resolving... moving closer to the job in february is a good possibility... surviving until the new job is found and then until february, that is the challenge...

feelings make all this rational thinking (and i hope it's rational) much more challenging...

el farto

that is happiness's new name tonight... my fault, as he got to eat foods he does not usually eat because his food is running out this weekend... bread and cheese and a couple of treats (he is not supposed to have meat which just seems so wrong for a carnivore but he and his kidneys are older, like mine) and he is stinking up the place something awful tonight... and he's sleeping out here in the living room with me cuz jackson is away this weekend so the gas attack is profoundly close... luckily, incense and fabreze brazilian carnaval is handy... but sheesh, el farto is powerful...

meanwhile, my discombobulation continues...

sigh...

Saturday, June 23, 2012

discombobulation

clearly, there is a layer of panic rumbling grumbling fumbling and bumbling, at least, under the surface attempt at positivity and cheerfulness and support i am giving others as they express anger and outrage and stress over the way i parted from the place i used to work... after all, in spite of my nature to help others, i need to eat and pay rent and have jackson here depending on me these days which simultaneously keeps me grounded and frustrates me cuz it limits my choices ruling out hitting the road for better or worse and at this point in life, letting go to just watch the wheels would not be out of the question (which logic suggest i should be thankful for jackson being here) and so, there is some serious discombobulation going on in my head...

even as i send out more resumes being totally unprepared to go on an interview at the moment...

it's lonely in here...

ages ago

that's when i opened this box, or so it seems... and then i spent hours researching and cutting and pasting links and writing to a friend helping with some serious decisions she had to make and then i started cutting and pasting links into the link site but lost my way somehow and lost a big stack of links too, booo, and then i started the job search, resume and cover letter revisions, and sending out the will you please pay be so i can survive letters and stuff and dozens of those later, with a few walks for happiness tossed in and lunch and dinner too, here we are...

or did i open this yesterday?... yup, i think i did... so i'll get to filling in a bit in a moment, probably... and what madness filled your environment today?...

narf! :}

Friday, June 22, 2012

a whole day

that's right, a whole day went by, more even, and i wrote everywhere but here so i am demanding some time and words for here even though the time date is passed and nothing was here until now, which is not then, but who cares really except for the madcap statistical junkie trying to prove there is actually something worth babbling on about every moment of the day, night, and life...

wishing someone would care that much doesn't make it happen, ya know?...

alas... a whole day lost in job searching, again...

narf...

glub glub

it'll pass... foot eh, i need to exercise it more and physical therapy is probably needed but without health insurance it's not happening... makes the job search all the more challenging... job search, nada... ok, so it has only been a few days, but... i have great responses from people who know me who offer sympathy, support, and references (two MDs, the director of the state medicaid program for psychiatric in-patients, a couple of big name people in other state jobs, a director at corporate - great list of references)... no responses to my resume though - the job market is very scarce right now, scary scarce... enough, i am fighting to stay afloat inside... and don't want to think...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

head meet keyboard

there could have been a dozen entries, at least, and i wrote a dozen pages, at least, as i type type type out revisions to resumes and modifications to cover letters so they will be specific to places i send them to so they might call me up and interview me and hire me (and i am so not prepared for interviews at the moment, what with wearing sneakers and limping and my hair way longer than market demands (yeah, considering cutting it, but how, who and so one)...

feeling burnt, so that is it (and it is a day after the fact, but that's beside the point... it was and continues to be a tough day in a tough week and blah blah blah wah wah wah cha cha cha fduck me... the typo was completely unintentional, i assure you...

narf.

somewhere in the middle of last night

this was not a dream and yet, it will appear in both autobiographical and imagination files as the fact has long stood and rarely mentioned, i do not discuss my intimacies unless the partner seeks a public display of affection or expression or more in words or in touches for as long as there is space between us and no permanent partner, there is longing for more, hence, the reality expands through imagination and the imagination fuels intensity and sensuality in reality... and the links may be playful distractions, deliberate obscurity for privacy, or random chances for expansion of thought and communication... in the end, it is a wonderful cycle built for two :)

yes, it was somewhere in the middle of last night
as i pondered weak and weary here
a strange glow from within called me to paradise
and she took me there...

the ups and downs stage

the ride after sudden unexpected change can be manic, even traumatic... i am experiencing the rather dramatic ups and downs now... hope sends me rising to calm and even excitement as i send out resumes and get positive feedback from colleagues and highly respected contacts throughout the state (and i visualize myself enjoying respect and professional rewards working a job i want to do, earning enough to live comfortably in a nice house or apartment)... and then, the lulls, the waiting time can send me sinking into the depressing and even panic mode of will i end up on the street (and i visualize myself enjoying watching the madness of the world go by from some comfortable cushion of a sleeping bag in a park or beach)... as billy joel sang, i go to extremes...

hopefully the the job market will respond to my resumes and calls and letters and stop the roller coaster before i decide it is time to get off...

so how was your day?

(and really, i don't know why i am smiling except for my irreverence... or is it just the madness on this side of the wall? :}

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

working is overrated

but then, without an alternative source of income, working is very much necessary for survival... unless one is ready to move into the woods and live like a squirrel or other animal, killing or picking edibles for food to survive... i have not quite gotten to that point yet, though i am and have been very close... animal planet and other channels have shows about people who go off on that path... and without jackson here, i might have this time... every time i've come close to this decision in this life, there's always been someone for whom i choose to not go there...

so i sent out some resumes today after searching the internet... one job i do not think i would love, but it is a better salary than i just lost... another job i would enjoy but i am not qualified for, so i included the request to consider me for other positions in the cover letter... and i sent a couple of emails to a couple of people with some statewide connections asking for some networking help... i will continue that process tomorrow and we shall see what comes of it...

and life goes on...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

kindness, sympathy, and acceptance

the pain of the betrayal and loss is softened a bit by the kindness and sympathy of some of those who found out today that i would not longer be at the hospital... two called, others asked about me and for my number, and others sent messages of support and sympathy through jackson... and a few of you send love online... it does help, even if the unwanted and unexpected struggle to accept what happened and proceed with the networking and job search process remains what it is...

it is good to know people care...

wow, curve ball

your services are no longer needed...

you are not fitting in with our long term plan...

we are letting you go...


it is one of those life sucks, then you die moments... and then, suddenly, right smack in the middle of the afternoon i find out i no longer have an income... of course i get the opportunity to resign and enjoy a severance package, but sheeesh, the mind that can do what was done today simply baffles me - or just proves that humans are closest in behavior to vultures and viruses... still, with the alternative being complete isolation or death, i continue trusting them and giving my all to those who come near... even when it hurts or puts me at risk, like now...

so it is time to find another job... don't panic, the book said... in the long run, he (ex-boss ceo) did me a favor... but for the moment, it feels so much like betrayal... i will take a few days for myself now and restart a new life next week... right now, i need to go down... hopefully jackson won't panic too much...

feeling quite alone about now...

Monday, June 18, 2012

wah wah wah

don't mind me, i'm just gonna turn up the volume on my whining about loneliness for a while... i feel it coming on... don't take it personally... the whining sometimes makes me feel better... sigh and all...

wash that game right out of my hair

the nba has a serious legitimacy problem growing that is alienating and turning off fans... it's all over the web and even cbs sports plainly stats the facts, in the first three games the refs directly influenced the outcomes of the games in one teams favor twice... two out of three games should be replayed if the nba wants a legitimate champion in 2012... i find myself not watching to watch and not enjoying the game...

corruption?... who knows, but the doubt rises... bullying by the biggest superstars?... it appears so... unprofessional human bias?... obviously... but they call it professional basketball, don't they?... might as well call it professional wrestling...

oh, yeah, i should be sleeping... nite nite :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

seriously lazy day

yeah, i know i am resting the foot and am not walking more than very short distances and all that healing stuff, but today the stir-crazy was particularly draining and this transition from boot to sneaker without the best sneaker for the job (didn't go shopping for one and my nurse is slacking on the job lol) is challenging and so, life goes on... a lot of sports on the tube, lots of food brought in my jackson, lots of sitting around wandering the web, lots of stir-crazy... jibbery jibbery goo...

following up on a previous entry, i checked emails for a few hours and sorted the inbox down to under 300 messages and added at least a half dozen new filters... and finding the local singles site that i haven't visited since 2003, i browsed... sadly, i found no one the world would say was right for me (mostly due to agism) as the few people close to the "right" age for me looked tired, old, fat, and not even close to compatible with me on any level... but disregarding age, not one of the hundreds of profiles on the site were reasonable for me... two i found attractive were not even from this continent and this is supposed to be a local site... and worst of all, the old six messages i found this morning were suddenly 'new messages' - same words, same profiles - dated today when i went back this evening... alas, so typical of these online friend or personals sites... and i've profiled most of them...

and then there is the night and i must find my way to sleep even though jackson and her friend (she came back for another night cuz she is off tomorrow and found someone to walk and feed her dog tonight, i mean, cuz you just had to maintain continuity between entries, right?) just went to bed and i am here with alone time and the typing has begun... alas, so typical of the nocturnal babbler, lol lam laa :)


sunday night cycles

jackson's friend left and jackson has work to do, so she went out to get some code red and i never say no to code red, usually, and so yum and the kit kats are yum too... yum two too... and so the nodding off i was doing an hour ago is likely to turn into a buzz an hour from now and that is the typical sunday night around here since jackson came back and i wouldn't have it any other way cuz i craved the social life while she was gone and didn't get any more sleep than i do now, i think... you can check all the previous entries if you have the time and get back to me... and if you did, omg, would i want you here for a huge hug (and a few other chores, nyuk nyuk, oh come on :)

seriously, strangers get unconditional love and crazy generosity from me, just imagine what someone who actually loves me gets... and on that note, we shall watch the nba playoffs and the cubs game (did i mention jackson is a die-hard cubbies fan?... i know, poor baby) and eat a bit of late dinner and enjoy each other's company... sleep later, play now :)

checking old emails

yes, i find myself checking emails still sitting in my inbox (creating new filters to get some out, where they will wait even longer, and reading some of the hundreds that remain and responding to a few... and laughing now i find: last login: Saturday October 4, 2003 at 12:30 am. at orlando friends dot com... so i updated my profile... the six emails i received there over the past nine years since i last visited appear to be from females in other countries, if they are real... my guess is they are spam from some matchmaker services... isn't old email and the internet wonderful?... anyway, if the link doesn't take you to the revised profile there, you can find it here cuz you were dying to know about my next fantasy dinner party, of course...


commercial tv alternatives

so ok, the reference to sam may have been missed in the previous entry, so you have another chance here while i amuse myself with a few more words about the fun of the new toy... even if the only one who gets me is nobody (oh?) or no body (oh?) lol, thank you boys, that'll be a wrap... i shall survive and have fun while i'm at it... ah, whatever would i do without the music in my mind (or the music of the night, for that matter)... yes, the influences of the musical tv play a role in this laughingly sad (or is it sadly laughing) entry, but more, the wonderful fun of the new toy and yummy food and a touch of caffeine is the dominant influence on the night... and youtube, in case you haven't noticed :)

i mean, why watch regular tv anymore, or even cable... not when there are so many ways to not feel ripped off or cheated... ah, the alternatives are so much more pure, creative, inspirational, and fun... let me count the ways...

Saturday, June 16, 2012

oh so yum

oh... so... what? :)

who am i?... listen to this and click on the links, especially the last one

giordano's yummy deep dish chicago style pizza was oh so good... and i did walk in sneakers without the crutches and survived... yay... lol... yeah, pain, but i did no damage and the road to recovery continues... then i drove home so they could enjoy their beers and since they have to get up early tomorrow, they are off to bed and i am left to amuse myself with my new toy... earlier today i set up the new tv and after calling the company (lg) i discovered it needed a software update which solved some issues and then after calling the cable company (brighthouse) found that the converter box is not an hd box cuz i have not had an hd tv, so i must wait for the monday visit from yet another cable guy (way too many visits needed to consider it a reliable product, but there is no better choice these days around here)... still, the new toy is fun even with the delays and without someone to share it :)

happy saturday night, sam, wherever you are... and you too :)


PS... here is some of the music i will be listening to in 2013, in case you love music too... cuz in the end, truth is, it's all as superficial as we wanna be... and as some of you know, i am currently without work or income and not able to pay bills for much longer unless i find income so...

I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT
BLOG ADVERTISING
TO SAY I AM A NOVICE WOULD BE GENEROUS
IF YOU HAVE TIME AND PATIENCE TO EDUCATE ME
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER


(thank you :)






it's all about tv today, mostly

tv and the internet, so far... yeah, the new tv took a bit of screwing around to set up (the screws were so soft the philips screwdriver stripped the heads on two of them, dangit), but it now proudly stands on the tv stand on one side of the living room... some might say 50 inches is too big for an average sized living room, i say, get used to it... especially as you get older and your eyes get tired... meanwhile, size matters... and so do features... it's got a six button point and click remote that is sweetly simple... and a full remote for when i want to do it the old fashioned way... and wireless internet, so browsing and watching youtube videos (better than mtv) and all the fun of the web is now large-sized for our viewing pleasure...

oh so many fun features still to explore, but gonna get ready for dinner out tonight (considering going without the boot and crutches, yikes)... hope you found fun today too, even if you don't have a new toy to play with :)

and the excitement continues to giggle

cuz it's a wunerful life, ya know, especially when a new 50 inch plasma tv is about to be delivered any minute now... yup, the saturday delivery that they said couldn't happen is happening between 9 and 1 today... yeah, i could have bought a 60 incher or even bigger, but i went with the top rated tv by consumer reports under $1500... and it'll be here soon . . .

meanwhile, good morning :)

on to you-know-who

that would be that ferguson character (and his little metal man, too)... i wonder if geoff has a vibrator mode... oh come on, you've never wondered?... well, you might be normal, which is your loss, or maybe you just don't watch late night tv... no worries, if you missed it in this life you might catch it in the next, unless you get stuck in re-runs... meanwhile, the world still whirls around, right harry?...

are we having fun yet?...

Friday, June 15, 2012

passing the sleep zone

was nodding off back around 8-9 but as usual, the fatigue blurs the vision and clouds the mind, but the hour wakes the body and some part of the brain that says something like "midnight is approaching, sound the alarms" yeah yeah yeah yeah... tv, mostly the college world series... jackson and her friend went out for sushi, but i was too stuffed to join them... would have liked dessert but jackson left her phone home so she didn't get the hint that she as in the same parking lot as a great gelato place,,, oh well... don't need the calories, that's for sure...

the florida state game may go to extra innings and i'll be sitting her staring semi-watching as everybody else heads to bed... even without gelato :)

have fun, ok?

dontcha just love it when the work week ends?

as much as i love my job on many different levels for many different reasons, i love living life away from my work too and the way life is set up for me, there is just not enough life away from work to satisfy all the stuff i love to do away from work... and with all my assistants off today, i spent the day doing the work of four people (instead of just the work of two, which is every day)...

hope to more leftover pizza and pasta and now vegging in front of the tv... yeah, it does get old... tomorrow the new tv is scheduled to arrive and it'll be a new toy i am gonna want to play with so i should get bored with tv real soon... the ncaa football game should be great on the big screen... if i was not so tired i would be much more excited...

so what's up?

unfair sports wake me up

injustice is not fair... i realized why i do not like the miami heat... too many times the prima donnas on miami get away with fouls that effect the score of games (boston should have won game two and therein swept miami, but the boston could not beat miami and the refs) and it is a shame that the favoritism and bias toward superstars is so blatant in the nba... oh well, more and more i feel like i've wasted my time after watching games decided by last minute blown calls... meanwhile, watching the game as it got closer and closer wired me back up after i was nodding off around 9pm and now, as usual, midnight rolls around and i am ready to party...

and the world goes to bed... so nite nite world...

nite nite you :)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

sleepy wired

as usual, too much on the mind to sleep but too sleepy to focus much so vegetation is the choice for the evening, or so it seems as the evening starts... leftover mellow mushroom pizza and some pasta and a yogurt makes for dinner and burn notice on tv makes for background noise (that lead character on burn notice is strangely illogical sometimes, just saying) and so, la la la...

the doctor definitely bugged me this morning as i believe i mentioned this morning... on the plus side, i got some paperwork signed for the lawyer for power of attorney so he can sell the condo which should produce a few thousand dollars and i made copies of the insurance policy that they took out for me when i was twelve or so and that should be more and hopefully i will get that in the mail tomorrow after i call the insurance company and clear up what documentation they wil need to prove the policy is me since my name changed a few times from the name on the policy and i filled out the expense report to get the money back for the trip to tallahassee and last but not least, the tv will be delivered saturday between 9am and 1pm, so there... oh, and i got a little work done too...

and how was your day? :)

back to the routine

which is very much the same even with random emergencies constantly changing the order of things, but that's life and for me at work, it's even more unexpected emergency type stuff somehow squeezed into the same basic routine... some might consider it hectic or manic or even stressful... stress is good when channeled well and that is what i am doing right now, channeling - hopefully well...

saw the doctor this morning and again i left very unsatisfied... apparently he doesn't think i will do any damage by walking in a sneaker and is not concerned about the painful knot that forms in my arch after walking in or out of the boot for more than a minute... so i will follow his instructions even though a lot of medical literature suggests the area of the foot, plantar fascia, could become a long term inflammation if not healed properly or overused... he gave me an order for physical therapy... we shall see if i can squeeze that into the schedule and out of the wallet (definitely bad timing, definitely)...

meanwhile, i called buydig.com and they took $50 to set up a saturday appointment... so much for the "can't do" attitude i got from the delivery agent... hopefully they can get the tv here this saturday, but that's probably too much to ask (i do not expect great service from anyone anymore)... and i stopped at the post office to pick up a certified mail from the lawyer... so much paper pushing and his bill just keeps chopping into the estate and so far it's a net negative transaction as nothing's come out of it for me but i pay postage on stuff he needs sent back to him... what a world...

am home for a few cuz i wanna be, so there... a lot of work is waiting on my desk, so i shall head out soon now that i have updated life as i know it... someday, all this might be worth something to someone and if not, it helped me release some frustration to day and releasing is healthy and so, good does come of these few minutes i spend here...

hope you are taking care of you too :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

blink and i am back, sheeesh

no rest for the weird... or for the over-worked... or for the weary... long drive up, long drive back, but i do love driving... long meeting in between, good personally as i get praised and respected whenever i go to these statewide meetings and the AHCA headquarters... my reputation seems to get better as time goes by, which is a good thing... and the belly grew, alas, bigger than every... i am likely at the top max weight at the moment... lots of chocolate and code red and yummy food and desserts and indulgence... eating cuz it's yummy first... loneliness second... reward of sorts third... no reason not to, sorta almost, fourth... so?... yum... there...

how are you? :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

writing more again

not anything profound or even deeper or personal or worth mentioning, but just more and in more places... 16 blogs were added to in the past few days... it's loneliness, not anything inspirational... and it's not like i have more time... i am giving up sleep (another sign it's loneliness) and treading water pushing to stay awake for the irrational hope that by sitting here awake instead of sleeping and popping a few words here there and anywhere online someone will notice me and tell the one or at least a potential real true friend who has the time to share...

i smile, so it's the right thing for me to do :)

work, laundry, cooking and clean up, packing, writing, tweeting, and now, dropping a few words here to keep in touch... gotta get up very early tomorrow to get into work, print a bunch of stuff (the printer was broken today), do a couple of hours of orientation, and then pick up a rental care and drive up to tallahassee for an AHCA meeting... wednesday in tallahassee, drive back late wednesday night, then thrusday morning wake to get the rental car back, an early a doctor's appointment, and back to the desk for more work... that's life... i miss hugs :}

hope life is ok, or even better, and you are staying focused on successful treatment and happy family and moving toward your goals...

recently

yes, i am obviously lonely and therein is the biggest reason for the increase in entries here as i find a craving for sharing just moments after pushing the publish button and the hope, irrational or not, that writing words online will help ease away loneliness and maybe even bring more actual sharing into this life from fun activity people to intimate encounters to close friends to a best friend to the one... hey, everybody has a dream... so just to help you realize just how ridiculously little i am sleeping lately, here is a list of the entries from the past few days...


sites i saw #363
sites i saw #364
sites i saw #365
(private)
(private)
sports galore
what was that about softball?
perhaps we should consider prisons
kinda like good timing, aye?
what's on broadway?
who are you?
exposure
sites i saw #366
meaning is overrated
breakfast ponders
she was a dream
philosophy is just what you make of it
too much to ask
how do you deal with honesty
nfc
so many changes
same old silence
as night consumes the light
love getting home early
writing more
obviously lonely
cupid shrugs
sites i saw #367
distracted
not just for shock value
expectations

Monday, June 11, 2012

time runs out again

like a broken record, every day repeats, well, every day... got a lot of work done today and then left early to get a lot of work done tonight, including laundry and packing... i am not looking forward to this trip... i won't be able to pop into stores for things i forget so i've got to pack right and deal with anything missing... if i was not so tired it would not be any issue, but the brain is just treading water and i never quite feel fully well prepared for anything lately... luckily, flying by the seat of my pants is second nature so even though there is a part of me (is this "getting older"? lol) that would like more catch-my-breath time, the marathon of life is better than dying and i am much happier still running it than not being able to...

yeah, it's all good, or something like that... i'm only lonely :)

gotta get sleep... nite nite :)

love getting home early

not that it is that early, but it's earlier than usual... and the big tv i bought is in town, but get this - the delivery company that is supposed to schedule delivery by appointment calls and asks which day i will be home... i ask for evening delivery, they don't do that... i ask for weekend delivery, they don't do that... i ask what times they deliver, they say their trucks head back to the terminal about 3pm... i ask if they can give a delivery time (by appointment) and they say no, it's whenever the driver gets there... i'll deal with this when i get back friday if i don't find time to call tomorrow from tallahassee (i'm out of here for work for a couple of days... not sure i am taking the laptop as i want to travel as light as possible)...

anyway, i have a lot to do (laundry, packing, dishes, some more) and want to get some sleep tonight so i hope life is smiling for you today... keep in touch :)

as the night consumes the light

sleep would be wise as in a few hours i start a very long week of work and travel (by long drives) and work and the foot needs sleep to heel and the body needs sleep to survive and function well and so, maybe this will be the last entry for tonight?... i've been wandering the web a bit, visiting some people who inspire me and amuse me and i've been rambling in rhyme here and there, letting out and getting into my emotions and headspace... and i've touched upon the deeper loneliness again... and i've touched upon the foolish procrastination again... and wide awake at 4am again... and i've laughed at myself which is good in the end, but the changes would be even better... obviously waking the theatre lover disturbed the peace a bit, aye? (or is that the dog licking his... smirking, are we?)... you'll just have to ask... or try to find the dozens of entries in the dozens of places i wrote tonight... it's a wonderful life, after all :)

hope you are sleeping well, dreaming well, or living well :)

sweating like an oldie

i really don't mean to whine, but i get tired and lonely sometimes, ya know?... sigh and all that, the apartment is warm cuz jackson has a flu bug and i don't want her to get chills or worse so whatever temperature is comfortable is where the thermostat stays, but sleeping in this sweatbox is not gonna be too easy tonight... and hopping into a cool shower is not as easy as it sounds with the foot in the boot (wah wah wah, yeah, pathos gets boring fast)... and (of course there's more, i'm in that kind of mood, didn't you see the first line?) i never did do laundry so i need to find a clean long sock for inside the boot and a clean shirt for work for tomorrow and i must push some laundry through tomorrow night cuz i am going away for a few days come tuesday and wednesday for work and i am not looking forward to this week... dealing with the foot alone is getting old... loneliness sucks too... and as usual there's too much work at work to take time off (sheesh, when will this obnoxious lament end?), but something's gonna give this week (and not just me dangit, smirk, narf)... stay positive and let it go... yup, i am not alone if i stay with me...

philosophy is just what you make of it :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

sleep yeah

well, the week passed busy as ever as noted in at least four other blogs (in doing a bit of table of content organizing i noticed)... and here, for the moment, life is as good as it gets mostly cuz i slept in past noon for the first time in recent memory and found quiet time for me (though not enough, as usual) when i woke... it has been a wonderful past few days and today shall be a good day... i hope yours is too :)

kinda like good timing, aye?

i refer to the tony awards being on tv tonight and me stumbling across them in the middle of the opening number as i was scanning the tube being bored with whatever was on in the background before i glanced up and noticed the tv was on... having no idea they were on tonight and having just reawakened my love for live theatre in the past few days, wow, aye?... and then, what's this?... the first production performing is newsies... oh wow... take me back to the early nineties, to a time when i was enjoying early retirement in my very comfortable home with bundles of savings and money to burn and when the movie newsies was one of the seriously emo connections with one of my most inspirational adopted roommates (high pj, wherever you are)...

yeah, oh wow...

oh the potential for emo tonight... but not here, not now, not... alas...

i'll enjoy it inside :}

sleep is sweet

if only my request for 42 hour days was granted by the universe, there would be enough time for the sweetness of sleep every day... sleep is good and necessary for optimal human survival as far as i can tell, but sleep becomes sweet when it extends beyond that which is absolutely necessary for adequate functioning... that only happens, for me at least, on some weekends and the occasional (rare, actually) weekday mostly because i am nocturnal and there are simply not enough hours in the 24 hour day to do all i want to do and still sleep ten or more hours... usually four to six hours is adequate and all i squeeze in... sometimes less... used to be i'd skip sleep a couple of times a week, but the body does not like that deal anymore, alas, life longevity does take it's toll on the physical being...

all that to say i just woke and with smiley blurry eyes, almost feel the sweetness of sleep for the first time in many weeks or longer, almost because it has been so long that i barely remember... but memory fogginess and blurry eyes aside, good morning :)

i hope you enjoy a sweet day too :)

theatre and the mind

while stephen hawkings explains that there is no god because there was no time prior to the universe and therefore no time in which a god could exist and i query in my own mind, but what of a being that exists without time, outside of time, or like in a timeless nowhere, man, but before i break into a beatles song, i remember that i am still so wonderfully feeling the blessing of experiencing a a performance by a broadway touring company of la cage aux folles (which is basically an equivalently ubiquitous celebration of love and being true to self outside of the mind) for the second time in three days and oh, what i miss in my day to day life is represented by these two very different yet equally appealing experiences, one primarily composed of thought and the other, primarily composed of words, music, and performing... both a form of pretending, if you see things through my eyes or simply share the perspective...

good day, better night, hope yours was too :)

Friday, June 8, 2012

pushing the week

i probably oughta make a list of all the things i need to do so i might better organize the day off i eventually take... laundry, shopping, doctor (foot, regular check up), car (brakes, tires, lug nut, lots more when the foot heals), insurance/lawyer (life policy, other policy, check the mail fool), apartment (boxes, clean, rearrange, etc), more (make that list dummy)... yeah, so i didn't take the day off this week because there was just too much work piled up... and home, cooked some food and ate and poor jackson is coming down with a flu bug and so she/s going to bed early so she will hopefully feel better for the la cage aux folles tomorrow...

meanwhile, i'm still available, i mean, in case anybody forgot...

narf :)

of course wired

maybe even cross wired... the show was good... the music and lyrics still amazing... i am getting past the disappointment and letting go of the comparisons to the original broadway production that blew me away and so impressed me once upon a time... this road show was much smaller, just six in the chorus, and definitely toned down for a mass market... the whole production was shrunk from full blow glamorous sexy musical to a scaled down talkie show with songs that seems geared for a straight audience and way too sensitive to homophobic tendencies... that was very disappointing... and george hamilton, eh, weak voice that made it challenging to clearly hear the wonderful lyrics he spoke more than sung and mostly still posturing as he never was much of an actor... gene barry was a shock in the original, but he carried it off much much better... and this new albin is good, at times very good, but not george hearns... all in all, wonderful theatre but disappointing for the casting and much more for the shrinking and straightening up...

but it's still live theatre as big as it gets around here so yay and yeah, still wired :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

long days journey for the foot

with the crutches slippery cuz the rubber tips wore through i've been putting a whole lot more pressure on the foot the past two days and the foot is telling me to stop... it just wants to stay home and elevate tonight but it is gonna be tested more than any time since the injury as i am gonna walk down the isle at the theatre tonight and then keep it not elevated after that for a couple of hours or more... definitely bad timing... same thing this saturday but at least i will be able to rest all day and hopefully tonight i will get new crutch tips... then tuesday and wednesday next week the drive to tallahassee and walk from the parking lot to the meetings (usually a quarter mile or so) will be a challenge after the first walk i'll probably get ride back and forth to my car and i can get pizza or something delivered to the room if i find i can't find a place to eat that i can hop into... just dealing with the challenges... didn't think of getting extra rubber tips before these popped through... didn't realize how slippery the metal bottoms would be... never had to use crutches before, so all in all, it's a wonderful life, especially in terms of injuries...

perspective is everything... crutch tips are important too :)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

what's today?

i think i have tickets for la cage aux folles for tomorrow night, so todsy must be wednesday... ridiculous workload these days keeps me from taking time off and so and i still want some sort of life even though i can't walk so i watch the playoffs and vicariously exercise like most of the world and the tickets were bought before the foot so i will find a way to hop to my seat tomorrow (and saturday too) and sleep continues to suffer... alas, jackson doesn't get a moment of this place to herself these days, but at least she has lots of places to go and can get out most nights when she's not working... so much time to just sit here and drive myself crazy must not be too much fun to watch, aye?... think positive thoughts, healing thoughts, magical thoughts... the foot will get better and i will be out running and playing softball five times a week again... this year... hopefully sooner...

what?

is it shiny?

sometimes i try so hard to be cute, amusing, witty, even... am i seen that way?... i would like that... or something like that... i think... anyway, it has been a wild morning and overnight and week and month so far (and last month included) and year and decade and millennium and life so far and this momentary relapse into reflection is mostly limited to my financial decisions which is a miniscule aspect of the ride most of the time but i just got through kinda begging jackson and the world for reassurance and now i am here hoping this outburst is not flaunting my ability to do what i did (it was not wise at all, but it was so very necessary for my psyche and self-respect and a whole lot of other self-stuff cuz it is the first time i did something like this since buying a washer dryer about two years ago and the car about ten years ago and those things were much more necessary purchases) and i will take a breath now...

what?...

i mean i SHOUTED... i can barely remember ever SHOUTING in my blogs unless it was for creative effect (or affect?) and i honestly do not remember doing it... i must be over reacting... at least i did not exclaim... as in ! that is... are we laughing at me yet?... we are seriously depressed if we are not... especially if you moseyed on over to the daily (e)thereal linked above to see what all this clatter (or is it clamor?) is about... or i am deluded in my egocentric and probably redundant self-importance... i thing i need to babble now... once again i am reminded...

it is so much easier to love others when you love yourself :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

so tired again

it seems to be the pattern... i can fall asleep so easily after dinner, like between seven and nine, so easily, and then by eleven i am wired again... and when i lived alone i just let myself fall asleep once a week, sometimes twice a week, and everything was cool... but living with jackson i try not to fall asleep in the living room so i've been falling behind in my sleep more and more and with the lack of exercise these past six plus weeks, i am burning out...

so i'll eat some pistachios and watch tv... you expected logic?

so tired again, remember? :}

Monday, June 4, 2012

burn out day

the head is hurting, the neck is hurting, the foot is hurting, fatigue is winning... lack of sleep and stress from several sides and the usual negativity at work just draining me... the doctor not having time for the next two weeks to check on my foot doesn't help either... all in all, a rather depressing day... extreme fatigue can allow that something... like who cares, right?...

eureka!... then sleep, hopefully, nite :}

Sunday, June 3, 2012

overtime again

might be talking about the nba playoffs, but actually my mind was referencing the fact that i am still awake when i was so ready to fall into deep sleep in the afternoon and evening but i pushed and ate more and once the midnight hour started nearing, my circadian clock started sending adrenalin and here i am, way too awake when the body so desperately needs sleep to function at it's best and heal as well as possible... dangit dangit dangit...

logic said don't pass out at 3pm or 5pm or even 7pm, but maybe that's the only way i will get enough sleep... too late now, in overtime... if only i could stop my mind, and love of laughing at myself... i miss drugs :)


another lazy daze

on and off nodding off as the day slowly drifts by and i resist the sleep because i want to be able to fall asleep later... hopefully it works cuz the sleep was calling ever so sweetly... watched sports on tv, ate yummy chinese, took a sweet long hot shower (though still not as hot as i'd like), played with happiness as much as i could given the lack of mobility, a bit too much walking on the foot as usual, and a lot of playing online (explored canadian twitter reddit cuz, after all, what else can i do but sit here and amuse myself any way i can find...

just too nocturnal for this world...

so not a morning person

being so not a morning person, i decided not to adopt a dog in this life (except once when a friend kinda begged and i was not working and semi-planned on continuing an early retirement)... so happiness woke me because his biological clock is set to pee shortly after sunrise which is why i sleep in the living room when jackson is away or else he might get sick if i sleep past noon which is my preference on weekends... and of course i did not get enough sleep, but having to hop outside and maintain balance while happiness bolted around (he only had me almost down twice today... once as i was trying to close the door and once when i reached the lawn), i am now a bit more awake than i'd like and need to wait for the foot to calm down before sleep will come again... poor happiness still thinks he's done something wrong cuz i don't play with him and run around with him the way i usually do... dog brains are so temporary, so in the moment (so much like me sometimes when i am free of responsibilities, but i have a bit more memory space i suppose)... six weeks of no walking and hobbling on crutches and he still expects me to run out and he's still afraid of the crutches even with jackson being away almost every weekend since the foot... poor old puppy...

good morning? :}

canadian dents

i seldom use twitter so why in the world would i need another one... but there is is, another one <--there, i mean... it's been there for months and i haven't used it, but there it is... another twitter, this one based out of montreal, so parlez-vous francais, no doubt... how many ways can i reach out, aye?... so my first dent, or whatever these canadian tweets might be called, was just what i need, another microblog where nobody knows i exist lol... hello nobody... everybody too and now, four months later i stumbled back to continue the pretense that somebody might be reading with comme twitter pour quebecois? je ne parle pas français bien, comme pas grand, connais-vous? pardon alors je stick a l'anglais,aye? and D'ailleurs, je me souviens rarement j'ai un twitter ... remercier google traduire pour le désordre ... i vous souhaitez toujours bien :) cuz, after all, when in quebec... my francais is not nearly good enough to be chatting en francais so i asked google translate for some help, but more than half of the dents (tweets) were from french memory...

like, so?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

ok, so you missed it

the wonderful world of splurging, that is... four chunks of savings (as in $) went to rent, storage place rent (for almost a year), credit card, and finally, after weeks of hubidahubidahubida (say it really really fast while nodding up and down really really fast) to keep up with the rolling screen whenever an action scene or sport was on (yeah, the playoffs have been frustrating to watch on multiple levels, not just the atrocious refereeing), a new tv... so as you might see looking back at the flurry of entries the last day or few, it's been a busy slightly wallet-wrenching stressful conflicted yet exciting (one might say manic) time... but just like someone struggling with suicide, when the decision is made to do it, there's a happy calm...

maybe that's not such a good analogy... unless you, like me, have a soft spot for gallows humor... i've worked emergency rooms, hospitals, and life-death situations - what's your excuse (i stick my tongue out in your general direction)... the food was absotively posilutely deliciouso (yummy, dummy) tonight, a chinese buffet right out of my fridge and oven... the tv is flipping (literally) between the softball world series and the home run derby and star trek:ng and bones and psych and assorted other fare, the taste buds are singing and dancing, the foot is doing it's healing thing, happiness is wagging wildly to play (he is almost as insatiable as i am), jackson is mozel-toving at a jewish wedding out of town (l'chaim), and here i am, me and the foot, tapping on the keyboard... i'll play with happiness some more when i am done here...

so maybe it's time (whatcha think whatcha think?) to mark this rare self-indulgent event (you can do it) by letting me know what's going on in your world? :)

can i scream now?

so all this many chatter over the last few entries comes down to shuddering and shattering the low limit i set for savings some long time ago and i dropped below it only a couple of times in this life, like in the mid-nineties for love, for instance... breath deep the quivering mist... and in a week or so we will be watching THIS... oh, did i just shout?... well, it's a modestly priced 50 inch plasma smart tv with wireless and bells and whistles and great ratings... yes, it was sort of impulsive, but wait, i did do a whole lot of technical and price research and more research and still more research and yeah multi-level comparisons and shopped and found it for less than the amazon price at a reputable online merchant and... phew... this has been an expensive day... $850 and $1260 and $1660 and $999 all in one day... i simultaneously feel so very rich and so very poor... i could have paid for a third of a brand new car... of course i would still have had to pay these other bills so the additional expense today was the $999, but it still was not the most prudent day for it... i didn't mention dinner last night was $140, did I?... stop me, i am going into cardiac arrest, or at least my wallet is... i am giving my credit cards to happiness to bury in the backyard now...

why are we laughing?... oh shush... i need a hug :)

dollars make little sense

money thoughts passing through my head overnight... rent, storage (i owe ten months, so that's more than the rent), and all the other monthly bills... since i am still covering jackson and extra phones i pay for two other friends, some months expenses are higher than income which is not the way to head towards any sort of chance at retirement... so i checked the bank (which i do only a few times a year cuz i don't like money or money thoughts) and i find the savings has gone down again since last time i checked and that's a big sigh, alas, and oh well (as in oh well, guess i am not retiring anytime soon, as in not for the next ten years at least and ten years would be very lucky... anybody wanna adopt me?... anybody know a good free nursing home?... anybody got a sense of humor?)...

it's not actually funny, but... lol... after all, i used to be rich once and it was my choice to give it all away... so now i ought to be counting and pinching pennies but i never really cared much for that so i trust the seat of my pants an check how i am doing a few times a year and i usually don't go into the red, but a tv this month will drop me under my comfort zone (six months living expenses in savings)... so if i do get the tv, it is time to take advantage of the foot and become a serious couch dweller (not potato, exercise please) and zero money beyond economy style dining at home...

medical bills?... oh please, no wonder why i am avoiding the doctor (shutup)...

good morning :)


Catch up (and know more)

musical distractions

If people had visible signs or meters that told something about them, what would you want it to tell you?

dumb poll (above), smart responders

all the previous poll votes were somehow erased, so, nevermind... ironically or coincidentally or whatever, the results were very close in practical numbers to the results above shown with just three votes, if you understand the mathematics behind that extrapolative reasoning... i will probably remove the poll at some point... it is a ridiculously useless feature...

SEARCH ME

the thing is, with my tendency to babble and meander and whine and allow distraction to take the lead more often than not, even in this blog that sort of meant to merge brevity with focus like some bloggers do, searching for key words does not always lead to specific information about the subject of that key word... but... here is a start at an easy way to search for key words in this blog... use the search box at the top of the blog to search for words not listed here... if ya wanna, that is... and feel free to suggest words to add to this search shortcut section... click on the words below :)

WORK ... JOB ... MUSIC ... LOVE ... SOFTBALL ... KA ... 42 ... LOL ... LAM ... LAA ... ... ...
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