ups and downs

life has been presenting a series of lemons of late and sometimes, i tired of making lemonade, no matter how sweet it comes out... and while i can continue to find humor in everything, i also tire of having to look for it or create it, i mean, sometimes i just want the sweet humor to just be, ya know?...

challenges at work from a director who refuses to cooperate with the program (she's got a goal to be less oppositional, but she's very passive aggressive so she is only succeeding on the surface)... unfortunately, most people are professionally superficial there, so... challenges continue...

challenges at softball from the male egos who do not team well...
from drama queens who do not team well... from professionals who are fun, but too busy to team well... ah, grown ups just don't team well... that's why there are so few really good teams... lots of talent, but few teams...

challenges at the social community from the human race into which i have never comfortable assimilated... some of the reasons are above, but mostly, the reasons are beyond explanation in common language, incomprehensible and all that... kind of like god...

ah, in the end, challenges are so amusing (if you see things through my eyes)... so i'll just mosey on off as i do every day (and night), singing softly to myself, whatever i am doing, and laughing at the futility of the challenges... while i may tire of doing it, i still prefer sweet humor to sour or bitter or frustrating challenges, so i'd rather be tired and happy than not tired and sour or bitter or frustrated... so never mind, aye?...

hope your day was amusing too :)

making rounds

ok, i'm down, or at least i was a little while ago... i expected to pitch tonight because i didn't pitch last week and the pitcher blew it big and i had pitched the previous four games and we won all four, but they had eleven guys for the first time in seven or eight weeks and they decided i'd be on the bench... i could have stayed home and gotten some rest... i did dh, but i was not into it and watched a third strike go by after lining out to short, both times with runners on second and third with two outs... i did get on the next two times, but i really got the sense that i was not part of the team... most of the guys were friends before the league started and it showed more as the season progressed until the last two games i would have been better off not showing up... nobody loves, me, not even the worms...

waah waaah waaaaah... yeah, poor poor pitiful me...

so i drove home and flew by a state trooper facing in the other direction and decided it would be a good time to slide over and take an early exit from the expressway just in case he was turning and i decided to take a detour to shop cuz i need soap (but what i really wanted was a decadent snack), but i never made it to the store because there was the sign... krispy onion krystals... or is that kryspy onion krystals... it matters to the y... meanwhile, i bought six with bacon and cheese... and then i bought six regular krystals with bacon and cheese... and then i bought a chocolate shake with whipped cream... and then i skipped shopping and came home...

twelve krystals later, and the chocolate shake with whipped cream, here we are, mostly happilly bloated (the bloated part is why it's only mostly... if only i could pig out without the bloat and without gaining weight, that would be a seriously real step toward a heaven for me... falling in love with the one falling in love with me would be the big enchillada, but stuffing enchilladas without gaining, that would be a seriously real step, yes it would... are you listening god?... it's piggy... margaret sent me... sort of... what's your heaven like?)...

so anyway, the loneliness of not having the one or the group of friends i can really get into (has it been that long?... wow, a long long long time... i am just not into the social thing unless i am in love) is a weight (boy, and i am carrying it a long time, aye?... musical theme music?)... the food definitely perked the body up a lot though and the euphoric druggy feeling that comes from pigging out is definitely wonderful... but anyway, here's the real, i mean, thereal, and not just thereal, but the real, downbeat style... i mean, just in case you thought i never got down or stupidly self-pathetic anymore (i mean, it has been a while, i mean, if you've been reading you'd know that, i mean, if you cared, narfenstein)...

all i ever needed was the one...

i should have bought more snacks...

or at least chocolate cream pie...

or ring dings or something...

or keebler fudge sticks...

yum... yeah... snacks...

ummmm, burp...

narf...

la...

:}

the game broke

so here i am, back to the words... cuz the game broke, but did the game break cuz i started pigging out this weekend for the first time in months or did i pig out this weekend for the first time in months because i knew the game was breaking or cuz i was tired of the game and missed words and the game breaking was the universe intervening in my hiatus to bring me back here?...

fringe is on...

 

woah, wow, where, when?...

still awake in the same awake period i was awake in some 23ish hours ago in the previous entry, just getting home for the first time, wishing there was something more exciting to keep me out this late, but still plenty to enjoy (even singing hello muddah, hello faddah in a sleepy duet... yes, i have an odd friend or few)... and pizza and snacks and soda and chocolate and well, a party pig out...

and to think, i was blurry 23 hours ago... and still, the buzz lingers, the energy begs for more time and the mind bounces around in the fog loving the experience of being alive and feeling this semi-conscious play... you so do not know what you are missing being outside of my head... and sometimes, neither do it...

make today a fantastic day and see you later :)

i have no idea

why i am still awake, that is... yes, i am still awake... rambling on behind the candoor and in RealTime™ for hours on end after spending hours on the phone after pigging out after telling myself i must get sleep and rest and eat better and as soon as i get that rest, get back to running and call the girl who asked me to call next time i run… then i can find out why she asked, after all…

sometimes i am deliberately denser than a lead wall, i think…

but the brain loves the release :)

and then the plan changed again

so i was thinking that i would come home when the party ended, which was to be around 10pm, and do some laundry and get to bed and sleep so i could let the body do some cold germ fighting so i would be refreshed for tomorrow which starts with softball at 8:30am and concludes with a party of sorts starting at 7pm about 45 minutes away so even if it ended early i get to sleep later and start another work week tired and run down and so on and then...

a few people were gathering to talk after the party at a house on the other side of town and the people were interesting so i went and here i am just getting home and the nose is running so fast and creating such an irritating caugh that i decided to get some cough medicine pm for the first time in many years and hopefully it'll put me to sleep real soon so i can get four or so hours of sleep before i wake to shower and head to softball...

laundry?... i may be buying more new clothes and such tomorrow as there just won't be time... insane?... seriously... and hopefully i will keep nothing on the calendar monday and tuesday so i can come home and sleep deep and long, even if that means taking the drugs i usually so naturally avoid... ignoring the body much longer will not be a wise decision... and yet, the social me wants more interaction and it is the season for social interaction... so maybe i should be asking which parts of me does not want it?...

sleep... nite nite... meep.