before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

thousands

over the years i've written in diaries, journals, blogs, and wherever regularly so that just about every day i record thoughts, feelings, perspectives, dreams, fantasies, whatever may be borne of my own mind or just passes through from sensory input... there are more than a few threads, strings of entries (or posts) from different perspectives in my head and more than a few of the writing spaces have more than a thousand entries, this one included... if you ask why, the simple answer is i love word play, literary expression, and keeping in touch with myself and the dream of communicating with others, especially the one... care to read and ask for more and the deeper layers of meaning, reason, and rhyme (and the secrets of the multiverse, even) may appear for you as communication personalizes...

here in the primary public writing space i am skimming the surface most of the time and even those i mention are re-named to respect privacy (for others seems to want much more privacy than i do) and even when i am away from this writing space for a day or few, i am still writing somewhere... writing is for my mind what singing is for my body and spirit, exercise, release, play, connection to the core and flights of fancy to freedom and infinity (and beyond :)

if you have an affinity for the written word (or for singing and/or music), perhaps you understand... you are welcome to read along and encouraged to share your words as well, here, there, or anywhere... communication is one of the primary gifts this life offers and i love giving and receiving... hope you love what you do too :)

woke, slept, woke

relaxing day, walked and ran with happiness, ate baked clams, nodded off during really bad sci-fi movies, babbled, and filled out 93% of an eharmony profile cuz it's free this weekend... meanwhile, they only found seven "matches" for me in the entire world and only one lives within 100 miles... they won't allow a free trial to see photos, so it's pretty much a waste of time as i am not approaching anyone on a dating site without seeing their face... if someone contacts me, i'll respond, but i'm not re-locating or looking for a long distance relationship so, it was something to do... i did get an interesting report from all the profile information that i'll put up somewhere for you to read... somewhere like here...

later :)

and more

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, lot's more, gotcha some more out there you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (smirkalicious) and so, that's life.... and another day given to the work, the job, the human race... and another day missing the life inside and the sharing, the live, the life, the music, the words, the intimacy, the magic, the more...

good day, all in all, hope yours was too :)

been so long

since an all-nighter was so refreshing... from the depths of the buried treasures (and the sadness that they were buried so long and still remain mostly buried, but at least remembered to the euphoria of remembering) to the pleasures of the momentary experiences of letting music envelope me almost as it once did (shhh, we do not need to notice the almost at the moment :)

the past six or seven thereal entries (and dozens of others, some linked, some not) tell a story of a life, a week, an eternity... and while you had to be here to begin to understand, perhaps you will care to want to know one day and in that wanting, the story of a life continues...

till tomorrow :)

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

ups and downs

life has been presenting a series of lemons of late and sometimes, i tired of making lemonade, no matter how sweet it comes out... and while i can continue to find humor in everything, i also tire of having to look for it or create it, i mean, sometimes i just want the sweet humor to just be, ya know?...

challenges at work from a director who refuses to cooperate with the program (she's got a goal to be less oppositional, but she's very passive aggressive so she is only succeeding on the surface)... unfortunately, most people are professionally superficial there, so... challenges continue...

challenges at softball from the male egos who do not team well...
from drama queens who do not team well... from professionals who are fun, but too busy to team well... ah, grown ups just don't team well... that's why there are so few really good teams... lots of talent, but few teams...

challenges at the social community from the human race into which i have never comfortable assimilated... some of the reasons are above, but mostly, the reasons are beyond explanation in common language, incomprehensible and all that... kind of like god...

ah, in the end, challenges are so amusing (if you see things through my eyes)... so i'll just mosey on off as i do every day (and night), singing softly to myself, whatever i am doing, and laughing at the futility of the challenges... while i may tire of doing it, i still prefer sweet humor to sour or bitter or frustrating challenges, so i'd rather be tired and happy than not tired and sour or bitter or frustrated... so never mind, aye?...

hope your day was amusing too :)

yay (mostly)

i finally found my way to the bed when i woke from my name around midnight last night... and so the sleep was about four hours from eightish to midnightish and then from then till a little bit ago (don't you just love the clarity i provide to time?... like swiss precision watches, with the ish factor) and i showered and shampooed and conditioned and rinsed and even repeated! (as opposed to jump under the water and rushed through the process) and now i am on time for my early meeting with the lawyers from miami with some breathing room, so yay...

the mostly part is that there was almost no exploring of facebook and other online stuff last night, which is the same as about 350 days out of the 365 days last year, but the past three nights i was up most of the night exploring and i realized i still enjoy that (it's been years, but i used to wander around the web a lot for hours on end, after all, have you never visted my myspace?... i just don't have time to read comments and communicate the way i used to (there are about a thousand unread messages there in my mailbox), no less browse as i did when i was babbling behind the candoor or before or before that even), alas, i miss it but life offline is way too busy to be spending hours a day online...

it was nice to stay up three nights in a row and feel the thrill of exploring again and sure enough, i found some people i had been searching for every time i did an extended web browsing searching wandering and one actually responded, though i am not she if i am remembered yet... spooky to wander through ancient memories like that and yet, so very deep-sigh-high too... so yay (mostly) cuz balance is good, but more time would be even better :)

can i go home now? :)

must have forgotten

even the title is deja vu, but i was so absorbed by browsing the web last night (and most of yesterdat, even as i nodded off) that i forgot to blog, here, at least... i left comments in various places and rambled on a lot, actually, just not in any of my blogs... i think...

it was a wonderful blurry time, it was... but i remember being inspired quite wonderfully to believe there may actually be some hope for humanity after all (i know, i'm so easy)... there are bound to be links popping up here and there sooner or later, so stay tuned for another mad love affair, or something like that...

and work, the usual for a first work day of the month, beating the bushes for the data from department heads, preparing reports, and since it's the first of the year, finishing up the new databases and spreadsheets for the new year... this director stuf is way too easy, really, even when the brain has to work overtime to put together stuff in half the time it would take the ordinary superman...

life is too much fun with self-mockery :)

phew, that was close

the babble almost came and took over e-the-real and thereal could have slipped into and become and gone the way of RealTime and behind the candoor and so many other noble attempts to share in a more normal and therein acceptable and therein theoretically more successful (at least potentially based on the laws of probability and such) in the goal of sharing, which babbling tends to undermine...

i know, here i am again just two minutes later (less, actually, shhhhh) babbling, but catching it none the less and heading off into the other babble places after stopping by here briefly to warn you about the previous few entries where babble almost too over...

must have been a really good new year, aye? :)

hope yours was/is great too :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!

working today

yup, in just a few hours i'll be trying to stay awake at the computer and trying to concentrate on whatever work i decide to do today and while i've got nobody standing over me telling me what to do and pretty much complete autonomy over my daily activities and workload, there's still a lot of information to process and provide to a lot of others and skipping all these days it going to make january an insane month for putting it all together...

yet sleep does not call me at night as often as it calls me during the day... the quiet darkness of night calls me to explore and wrute and listen and sing and let my imagination dance... i remember when the night called fo making love as well, but people seem to get less and less nocturnal as they age... conformity destroys so much potential and wonder... still, i continue hoping for the magical balance of sharing to return and until then, i enjoy it all by myself...

hope your day sparkles :)

all through the nights

yes, the real is quite full of emo tonight... and to think, i almost slept through it, but something woke me and the sleep went away and i found magic and the timing could not have been better as i am off tomorrow so the night calls and i answer... and the words flow... and the only things that could make the night better is a return to optimal physical balance and to share it all with the one...

all through the nights, the dream survives...

and that's the realest of them all :)

cuz there's so much more to say

no matter how tired i get, no matter how apathetic or depressed, ambivalent or frustrated, there is always activity in the synapses, always creativity in the pauses, always more to say… someday I hope someone will understand and reach the same place, with or without me… somewhere, some time, some way…

with me would be nice too :)

home again

the place is a wreck, piles of laundry, boxes half packed/unpacked, and just way too much stuff i do not use sitting around gathering dust... the habits must change, which is probably the best reason for me to enter into another roommate situation...

we should know by the end of this week, i think... in the mean time, i should try to get some sleep tonight... and start eating less sugar, fat, and party food... so get on that, right... uh-huh...

try to sleep, aye?

but i slept all day and while i might have vegged and fallen back to sleep at the normal human how tonight, instead, i went out to yet another party and feasted on junk food and sweets and dr pepper and came home wired once again and so what if i am going to get up in the morning to apartment shop and then head to a party in the afternoon and another later in the evening and continue on through the night... life will continue, with or without me... and i;ll enjoy it while i can... so, more food, drink, and be merry... all by myself, since no one who keeps my ridiculous hours is here at hand... and i hope you are enjoying every moment of your life too :)

the real?

all those years ago, long before this blog began, long before RealTime™ and behind the candoor and planet candora and the live journals and the online roots (at least one of them) and the letters, the years before the internet when I wrote so many thousands of letters to friends, lovers, imaginary lovers, imaginary friends (yes, each of these could be linked to yet another website themed somewhat around the concept in the words, really, and less than a tenth of a percent of the written gardens ever made it online, but that’s a boast of a different horse, so get on with it, will ya?) and even before then, when I filled many thousands of pages, pads and books of all sorts, writing daily for year after year for decades and a lifetime, yes, even before all that there was a child in love… and today, we celebrate…

happy birthday amy

give in, please

sleep, yes, sleep has become the obsession of the subconscious (and just about every cell in the physical body)... it is only the conscious mind that that loves to play so much that it simply shrugs off sleep and continues continues continues doing whatever it is i am doing whether i am out with people and hoping someone stays awake with me or after i get home and let the web and words and whatever slip through my mind and dance without reason and play without meaning and even glance up at the tv when the music isn't playing and lost in the sleep deprived psychosis is the depth and dream and whetever else was me, once upon a time...

so i slept tonight :)

blurry head

another day of work (on call weekends keep me running running running and eating almost to my heart's content (with gallons of caffeinated beverages) certainly does not help as the extra food just makes the body work harder to digest and process and store and then, the extra pounds just make the body work harder to move, every movement, and then, the night after night playing ball or going to parties or simply staying up to watch craig, yes, craig is my secret lover drinking me to drink power shakes in the middle of the night when i really ought to be sleeping (as it was in the beginning, so goes the night, yes, one long night, of this life)...

just look at the date, for crying out loud, it's amazing i've been so sane for so long... please, take care of yourself... and your children... for the night has no mercy on lovers who give up on love...

quark...

too late for tv

which is a blessing since i watch way too much tv these days and it is draining what remaining brain cells i have of their potential for the leap to the next level of conscious awareness that i have flittered with a few times in this life, but found it not as fun as the sharing that can be done on the lower levels of consciousness cuz without someone else there, the sharing is one sided (which isn't actually sharing, if you follow even a bit of the flow of these words)...

so anyway, a call came in inviting me to a last minute game night in deltona, which is north almost half way to daytona, and i headed up and had fun and am just getting home... pigged out a bit, which is a foolish start to this weekend as i have two more parties and not much exercise planned due to the injuries... but fun, much fun and the solitary sensual pleasures of food is better than none...

on the injury front, the knee is still on and off at the poimnt where it was hit by the batted ball and there's some sort of ache when weather changes which really sucks and probably had a lot to do with the hamstring pull... the hamstring is getting better, i walk up and down stairs ok and only have pain when trying to bend or push off, so running would not be wise, but i should be able to drag myself to first base if they need me to play thursday night... sleep and vitamins and the right food helped a whole lot, now if i only get more sleep next week...

so on goes the music (i really need to get the hard drive loaded with the cds on the shelves so i can actually listen to all the music i've got and then decide what more i want and make mixes and get back into music and myself and the life and times of the person i used to be before i gave myself away to folk who wouldn't nurture or appreciate what they had... yeah, a really truly best friend would be a nice blessing too...

so how was your night in your life? :)