and more

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, lot's more, gotcha some more out there you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (smirkalicious) and so, that's life.... and another day given to the work, the job, the human race... and another day missing the life inside and the sharing, the live, the life, the music, the words, the intimacy, the magic, the more...

good day, all in all, hope yours was too :)

time goes by too fast

yeah, a harry chapin song comes to mind and i've been off in my own little world (mind) but this time i might remember a bit more than last time cuz i recall downloading and uploading dozens of videos to the pop news blog that i know everyone just loves to enjoy...

someday :)

it's good to be delusional, as long as the delusions are hurting or condemning anyone, ya know... so otherwise, jackson is off to chicago and it's just me and happiness for the next week or so and i head back to work tomorrow (alas) and i shall find a way to carry the wonderful remembering to explore my own head back with me into the mad mad mad mad (etc) world...

hope you've been great (and now too :)

one more night, again

and again, another day, again, another moment, again, one more, again, sorta, kinda, well, continue... variations on a theme called time (that'll be better next time)... and today, work work work and more work, then home to find the maintenence people did not keep their appointment so we locked up the dog for nothing and we'll have to do it again wednesday... poor service is worse at high prices... this place is losing my recommendation today and will have to earn it back...

yummy dinner and then, the end of house or the beginning of a whole new house of healing, relationship, or something like that... am i being obscure enough or can you find the threads?... who's looking, aye?... and now, 24 and it gets pretty radical, which is good...

hope your night is good too :)

napped

and now awake watching craig... bugged by the probably loss of 90% of the web world because corporate america, in this case, att, did not provide accurate information in email and blocked me from downloading and saving my web pages... att sucks... and then there's work on my mind as well, too much of it, not enough support...

i am reaching the point of faking it because nobody really cares whether i do or not except me and i will burn out if i do not cut back on the time i put into work... so life goes on and i will survive and continue looking for people who care... and for money, i'll play the corporate game and produce the paper in fewer hours a week...

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

frustrating day, still laughing

and euphoric and giddy and by all normal standards, quite bipolarly insane (it's a new diagnostic they missed in the new DMSV, but don't tell anybody cuz they'll look at you all funny-like)...

ATT really seriously majorly amazingly SUCKED today... if i wrote ATT SUCKS a billion times, it would just describe part of the day... i spent from 10am until 7pm trying to find out what the new POP3 and SMTP server addresses were and at least thirty different ATT CSRs left me hanging or hung up (of course it could have been dropped calls after being on hold for up to 55 minutes at a clip)... the fact is, ATT has some amazingly bad customer service people... and their convergesys outsourcing does not help their effacacy... fimbidimblestipts!...

so a bit after 7pm i rush out to work to take care of the admission who came in last night and collected my $100 for just over an hour and stopped at giovanni's and publix on the way home to eat lasagna and stuffed shells and chocolate milk and chocolate pie for dinner and bliss is as easy as that... la dee da dee diddly doo :)

meanwhile, i've got this red spotty itchy rash on my left forearm, a dry scaly rash on my left middle finger, a dry scaly rash on my scalp, an infected wisdom tooth, and a serious case of sniffles... is dr. house in the house?... this body is slowly falling apart and i'm laughing like the joker from batman... can't nothing get me down anymore?...

who knows, but nothing in recent years... it's like i've got a teflon psyche and rubber heart... or silicon... mercury?... it's all metaphorical, ya know...

hope you enjoyed your day even more :)

being on-call

well, another child arrives and it is time to head into work... after a shower... so i do head out before tomorrow, but not for the social fun... and while i am gone, you can watch some stuff viewed today about the work i do

really?

well, the intention was to sleep until i woke naturally, but the phone rang a half dozen times already this morning and hile i rolled over and ignored most (after glancing at the phone for the number), the last one was work and as i am on-call this weekend, and i almost did not have to go in, but i will go in later as the admissions to the children's psychiatric hospitals do not take a break for xmas this year... the nurse was going to do the assessment for me, but a few issues popped up and she probably won't have time, but it was sweet of her to offer and give it a try...

so awake and will head to work later, but for now, continued vegging is all that i intend to do... dear friends will be watching it's a wonderful life and then wandering the city of celebration, florida to see the festivities and lights and stuff (they have snow) and then playing games and having fun and i am contemplating heading down there (at least forty minutes away), but for the moment, no intentions beyond vegging...

it is a wonderful life :)

flying by

rushing through the day (sorta), rushing out of work, rushing to the big game night, pant, pant, fun fun, hope you're funning too :)

swirling synapses

morning, good?... hope it is for you,m it will be for me as soon as i wake up and start the day cuz excitement about the softball playoffs tonight has been buzzing around and keeping me semi-awake... all night long, ya ya...

i must explore bmop dot exe more because it is in the att folder and is constantly demanding access to the eb in what my virus program calls a suspicious manner and yet, it appears to be part of the att package that checks optimization of proxy stuff so i am allowing it to continue cuz the only reason i am aware of it is i set the virus program to a higher level of warnings...

new laptop soon... make today wonderful... see ya when you get here :)

yeah, me again

wow, out for lunch and it's still around 40 degrees... must have been even colder this morning... anyway, government work is so amusing, if you do not consider the sadness of the waste of time and money and resources and all that... so our government liaison for the entire district has been on vacation for months and no one's replaced him, so none of us received any of the communications or paperwork or anything the state capitol people expected us to have and they had a lot of trouble hooking up the video conference equipment cuz nobody was there at the local state office for the 9am-5pm meeting, so some left around 10am and the rest of us left at 11am and la dee dah, our tax dollars at work...

and now, since we are supposed to be on a lunch break (2 hours, government time), i am debating about heading back or heading into work or just accepting that some days are not going to be as efficient or productive as others and just do something else... maybe clean the place...

so how is your day going so far? :)

sleep bouncing

now while the vast majority of you might consider the title to have something to do with somnambulatory fantasies (somnambulation?... oh my!), i slept wonderfully even with waking to re-cover myself cuz the windows were open and a new brrrrrr-eeze blew through the place last night... waking early for the gym just wasn't in the cards cuz curling up and staying warm was just too much fun...

and now, it's time to head downtown to the samh diwg meeting (a bunch of old geeks and nerds gathering to discuss numbers and such) and then, maybe... clean the place?... it is getting a bit ragged what with clothes kind dripping from boxes everywhere as the unpacking continues and i hunt for winter clothes... hey, a few 40 degree mornings are cold enough (even if i nyuk)...

i hope you are feeling exhilarated and cheery and make today wonderful in your world :)

morning again, again

and just when i was going in an hour or so late to take care of some stuff, i get a call from the feds (nice that we can talk cellphone to cellphone as opposed to being adversaries) and apparently the notice that they were coming today never got to me so the head of the survey team called to check (because we'd usually confirm with each other prior to the site visit and she received no confirmation cuz i received no notice) and they will reschedule...

good heads-up, since we are behind in our preparations due to the holidays and too much on my plate to be hounding the people who need to be doing what they should do without my hounding... i'll give them all a wake up call this morning and put it in the ceo's hands because he's their boss...

and now, with that bit of life recorded for posterity and anyone who cares to know what this life is about in my particular piece of the world, of to work i go, hi-ho :)

within twelve hours

yes, i made it home within twelve hours and if i had eaten lunch i might have made it back to the gym within twelve hours too, but i decided food would be wiser given i've been awake for sixteen hours and have not eater yet... perhaps i will not pass out and go later or... perhaps i will wake early again and go in the morning...

so once again i was distracted from my plan to get my work done by yet another investigation learning opportunity... several hours of reviewing video and detailing what could have been done better and what we would have been cited on had the incident been investigated by an outside agency later, i got a little of PI reports done... and the person I replaced showed up today cuz she's going to a training in miami cuz she's working for our corp cuz i sent her news of a job in her area and she's got maybe one tenth the workload and is making at least ten grand a year more than i am... up north, where it's cold, but they pay realistic salaries... she's a nice person so i was happy to help, but it does leave me wondering how long i'll remain... i'll be seeing her again cuz we're both heading up to franklin, tn (just outside of nashville) for more time-wasting training in stuff i do already... and they wonder why i don't get to straighten up my office... life is good, for some even better :)

and how was your day?...

push a little more

so some laundry got done and i got down to the gym and pushed a little more and did the first mile in 8:58 and the two miles in 19:19 or so and the intermediate total body level 5 for most of the first mile and level 1 for the second... feeling the strain, but more, feeling good except for the bloat... perhaps buddha was not a runner...

now it is time to shower and head to work... i hope you started your day with something good for you and a smile too... keep in touch :)

morning isn't broken

just really kinda blurry, but much worse has been recorded in the life and times as i've know it in this body... a sort of steamy shower helps turn everything around from a dense stupor with molasses movements to a dull fog with a buzz of energy bounce... still, no time for babble or even much thought, just a good morning and hope for another beautiful day...

do it! :)

happy new year (redux)

yes, well, good morning world, and a fine mini-vacation and holiday escapade comes to an end with much fun, some frolic, and yet, still not in love (so don't forget it)... this silly phase of alone time continues into another year as i still did not find romance and happily ever after (ah, the hopelessly hopeful romantic still has a sense of humor, yay for the little things), but at least i am still aching nicely after five or six hours of softball bending and pitching and fielding and such and ready for more... a bit more than four hours sleep and the new work day, week, and year begins... so let's wipe the blur from the eyes and get out there... hee haw...

hope your work-year is as much fun as mine, or more even :)

humans are so not nocturnal

well, i intended to sleep until i woke today, but somewhere around 10am work called to ask me something and then, a little while later, rasputin called to tell me he and a couple of guys are coming over to pick up his washer and dryer that i have in storage here (which means i can stop paying $10 a month for the storage or... i can put the little bit of stuff i have in there instead of in the corner of the laundry room or closet... we shall see)...

anyway, the intended sleep did not happen... and tonight i want to go out to watch the ohio state texas college bowl game with rasputin, which is why i wanted to get extra sleep during the day today as i have work the rest of the week and need to be back at top speed to get december's work done... so much for trying to live on my schedule with daylight loving humans around, aye?...

so raspy will call back when they are on their way... and i must get some housework done today as laundry is ready and there's still more boxes of stuff to sort through and trash (empty boxes) to take out and the gym would be a good idea and there is definitely not enough time for everything (especially not for a nap)... so busy day of human stuff ahead and while sharing it with a life partner would be desirable, i'll find a way to make it fun with just little ol' me... you to, ok? :)

the gardens have new words most everywhere, if you've got time and interest in reading... whatever you do, kit and love it as much as you can and enjoy it even more (or vice versa :)

busy crazy day

if something could go wrong at work today, it did... computer problems, people making all sorts of mistakes, dangerous mistakes... there'll be a big mess tpo clean up next year... i don't know why i bothered going in because i could get nothing done... tomorrow may be the same, but hey, then i am off for five more days, so, patience...

gonna go nap now :)

missed a day

wow, i woke too late to sit down here for a morning entry, then nodded off sitting here after work, waking in time to head out to softball, and then after softball hung out at the wing place until a few minutes ago, so just walking in (and the music is already on, yay) and it's already the day after yesterday, so no entry for yesterday...

lots of work at work, completed another spreadsheet report tracking the individual doctor's performance indicators... have four more major projects to get finished by the end of the month (and taking three days off around thanksgiving does not leave me much time)... i finally said yes to the crappy laptop the corporate morons will authorize, even though they are not saving money (which is their only criteria)... a 14 inch screen for spreadsheets and databases will not speed up the processes, but being able to take the work home and access the server from home will help a lot... now we will see if they will actually approve the thing...

i did not play tonight, my choice, as the thursday team has too many players and this is the first wee i showed up (fifth game of the seven game season) because my work team played the same times until last week and i wanted to be fair to the people showing up every week and they have a good pitcher... i should probably look for a team on tuesday, wednesday, or friday if i want another game in my week... we won 11-9 and the team is now 4-1, which pretty much locks up third place if they win one of their last two and the last two teams have won 1 game between them so far... figures, a good team finally gels and i was not there to be pitching for them and they have a good pitcher, but the conflict with the work team will always be there, so yay for them getting it together without me...

and that was yesterday... and yours? :)

happy birthday shari