early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

bright house sucks

two weeks into the service and it's gone, connects for a minute or few at ridiculously slow speed (less than 100kbps) and then disconnects... can't even update the virus files and i have to take time out of my life to wait for a cable guy, twice in the first month...

i desperately need sleep anyway... won't put up with this too long... they must get this a lot cuz the tech guy gave me a free month... so i am back on the att aircard... bad news for brighthouse because the aircard is faster than the brighthouse after a two week trial... and they claim up to 50mbps?... that sucks...

and how are you? :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

to all ships at sea

and anyone keeping in touch or interested in what's going on in the daily wanderings i loosely call my life... i might have been done by now, but instead, i've dragged my feet for weeks and today included and watched most of the superbowl and so, there's still more packing to do... all night, perhaps, with a deadline of 7am so i can shower and get to work to do orientation training... i should be home by 10am, which will give me an hour or so before the maintenance inspection and another hour or so before the movers get here... it's so exciting to be wondering if i am going to get it all done on time...

the oven is going through it's clean cycle... hopefully it does not set off the seriously sensitive smoke alarm in the middle of the night... i need two large burner trays to replace those cuz i only have small ones, which means i must have used the big new ones somewhere along the way... or gave them away... so a trip out to the store is going to be part of the morning trip to work... by then i should have everything done... and get wrinkly hands, since i must have given away my gloves too...

am i getting tired?... yup... am i getting lonely again?... yup... do i wish someone was here to help, or at least to keep me company?... yup... am i going back to packing and cleaning now?... yup...

lol lam narf :)

long week, but got some sleep

as you will know already (how's that for playing with tenses?... wait, i'm not done) if you read the previous posts that have yet to be written (O-O, what a word geek, aye?), on monday night i pulled a hamstring tagging up from second to third on a short fly ball to center and then limped home from third with the tying run in the bottom of the seventh on the next batter's hit... we won the game and tonight, the team played without me and won the first game of the playoffs... next thursday is the rest of the playoffs and i will see how the leg feels, but i definitely will take a pinch runner if i play and make it to first base...

in other news, precious totalled her second car for the year last night and i was sleeping... she's ok, though spent some hows in the hospital getting checked out... the worst bruising came from the seat belt... i thought she had an airbagm but i never rode in the second car so i suppose not... the first accident she was hit from behind while at a red light... this time she couldn't stop in time when someone stopped short in front of her... the SUV had a damaged bumper, her car received a totalled front end... the benefit of driving a gas guzzler, i suppose...

i am taking tomorrow off, mostly, to take care of business, so i should sleep some tonight, but at least i did sleep more than ten hours the past two nights, which is wonderful (says the body and mind) and also why i haven't been here... so to all the silent millions of fans out there who love me and miss me (and the few who actually leave a few words now and then), all is well in the real and while all could be better, i've got fewere complaints every day (mostly cuz i'm a day closer to dead and understand the logic and wisdom of not wasting time or energy on worry or stressing over the small stuff, but there may also be some greater depth and stability to the balance and peace within the psyche, yeah, it's not just apathy and ambivalence, nyuk)...

much more to come in previous entries here, there (which may be real time, behind the candoor, or even bullsugar, but wait, there are even newer blogs budding out there if you're clever enough to track them down... shhhh, it's our little secret until the tabloids get a hold of the photos and text messages and twitters and pull a tiger woods on us), and other places... life is good and amusing, as usual... and just think of what getting a lot of sleep might do to the profundity and candor of the babble, aye?...

narf :)

nauseating culture

slowing down to see an accident, going to auto races to see crashes, watching boxing or ultimate fighting, gung ho warriors invading other countries, and the prostitutes pretending to be moralists all over the world as they sell sex and religion and soap and gossip and war and butting into other people's lives and corn flakes and judgmental false superiority and above all else exploitation of anything and everything with guilt and fear all in the name of making money and the pretense of family and god (in that order)...

and oh, how humans love to tear down their heroes... are people really so insecure that they swarm to the lynching just to somehow feel some false sense of superiority watching someone else fall or fail or get beaten, destroyed, or somehow get put down?... and the latest exploited target of all the suck-up faux-news media and gossip hounds is tiger woods... have you found this blog entry by googling for dirt on the once greatest golfer and one of the most popular cultural icons of the past decade?... is if cuz he's black? (oh sure, and is Britney or Lindsay or Letterman black?)... no, the bigger and more loved the star (and the more sex involved), the more ardor there is to take them down and tsk tsk them all the way to church on sunday cuz that makes you better than them, right?...

so afraid of sex, of reality, of truth, the human race lives in the delusions and fears and ignorance perpetuated by greedy power hungry control freaks for millennia... am I all that different?... yes, but I fake it well on the surface so you may never know…

snark…

ouch, dangit!

pulled a hamstring again, only the second time, but definitely set myself up for it by not stretching enough on a chilly night when i worked a twelve hour day without eating or drinking and slept maybe two hours the night before and at most four hours a night the previous week or few and it's probably been a year since i actually slept through until i woke naturally, maybe longer, and definitely several years since i took time off and just slept as much as the body/mind wanted for a week or so (which is the best way to tay healthy and long a long life, but that's not really the priority for our culture cuz there's no profit in it)...

we did win the game and I scored the run that tied the game in the bottom of the last inning by beating out a ground ball to first (sprint #1) and then beating out the throw to second on a ground ball to short (sprint #2, the second baseman bobbled the ball), and then beating out the tag up throw from short center from second to third (sprint #3, pulled the hamstring), and then limping home on the single to right that followed… and the kids on the team may never realize what it takes to play at a higher level than they do in a body somewhat older than theirs, but hey, my other teams appreciate me (nyuk-ish)…

so i could get all sorts of philosophical (and cynical) alluding to the limited awareness and delusional childhood in which humanity remains steadfastly (and vehemently, arrogantly, and violently) submerged, just a step or two away from the children they were believing in santa and the easter bunny in the younger years of individual life times, but hey, I’ll just focus on healing and raising my consciousness even if that isolates me all the more… ah, alas, and narf…

if you only knew :}

hey blog family

especially the couple or few of you i am not sure how to reach at the moment cuz of movement or numbers changing and time passing and all that life stuff (and the many i haven't been sure of how to reach for years too)... from the places i created and all the places you gave me... a few from here and from other places too... every one of you who have touched my heart, even irl (you know... out there :)

i hope today is a good day in your world... and in the future, yours too...

i miss you :)

almost excitement

between the championship and spirit award and mvp wins over the weekend and the pending eight days in a row away from work (i hope) starting tomorrow night, there is almost excitement abounding around here... and that's without caffeine, even...

did i mention jackson talked me into starting yet another team?... yeah, another softball team takes the field to fill the sunday afternoons... co-ed, and this one will have more girls than boys... cute girls too, and cool people inside the cuteness... unfortunately for my dreams of intimacy and falling in love, they are mostly not interested in boys that way... yeah, i mean sex... ironic, i look around at most of my best friends and find they are gay and while i am comfortable enough (the flex boys will all be sharing beds at the tournament to save money on hotel rooms, after all), my libido still lusts most for that dream of adorable petite girl...

and floating even closer to the core of the experience i've known as being me in this life, i still live in a very different place from everyone i've ever met in this life... and while it does get lonely where i am, i still wouldn't want to live anywhere (or anyway else)... so while i mock the excitement of life as harry and his band did when he'd say and the excitement continues to build, i still find the most exciting thing in this life is being me and the possibility of sharing...

anybosy wanna share? :)

eat less, sleep more, exercise more

(in that order)... for lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the aging body and over-eating is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time for picking up behind myself, no time for laundry or dishes or cleaning or straightening or anything short of quick showers and minimal washings to have minimal clean clothes and kitchen stuff for minimal basic hygiene and cleanliness and such and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so return to title and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat until it is actualized again)...

not that i was ever anywhere near an obedient child, but i could really use a good parent right now...

and the little duckling says... are you my mother?...

very much owie (softball report)

big ice bag on the right knee cuz the monday league is ridiculous as one of the teams is a full fledged B team with some definite A level players and the first three batters hit line drives right at me hard enough to bounce off my knee, hand, and glove (respectively) and shoot past infielders into the outfield (one so that the outfielder did not have to run in more for the ball)... that is definitely wrong, but hey, it was a sick kind of fun to play and get creamed by a team two plus levels above...

the unfair part is the league lets them qualify as a D comp team... if you recall, the Monday team is the one with all the guys who swing for the fences every time, which is not the way to win at softball... anyway, i sit with an ice pack on my very swollen knee and hope to be all healed by Sunday when the team that I take most seriously (and depends on me to pitch every pitch) plays again... that team (here's the good news) took both games of the double header yesterday, 5-0 in the first and 19-0 in the second game... we now have first place because we are tied with 8-2 records with a team we beat in the first game of the season...

we will likely be in the four team play-off in the sunday league... Monday has one more game and I won't miss it much... Tuesday is over and I won't miss that much either because it too was a macho-testostrone driven team, again, not the formula for winning softball... Thursday has three more games and it's becoming testosterone driven and I'll probably skip the game this thursday to let the knee and finger (finger very swollen too) rest...

i am back to hitting well, going eight for nine in my last fifteen at-bats with six walks and i scored from first twice and went first to third three times, which means my running is still improving... so yay for the fun and the improvement and the fun and the friends and the fun and the hope that i will find the dream team (which is more based on friends than winning) and the one so we can fall in love and live happilly ever after forever and ever and ever and...

how you doin? :)

what yankees?

somewhere in the background the new york yankees are bearing down on their twenty sixth or twenty seventh world series championship in the past ninety years or so which quite phenomenal from a statistical probability (or improbability) perspective and i woke from a typically brief after dinner nap to find myself thirsty with no liquid other than tap water and prune juice in the place... iced tap water it is, then, just as soon as i motivate this body to get out of the big green chair and get the liquid libation that the mouth is starting to crave...

the bloated blues still play (or is that plays... tenses and verb agreements can be such fickle follies) somewhere in the background of my mind, but mostly the silliness prevails, as usual, as the child inside remains incorrigibly blissful cuz life is fun with a hopelessly hopeful romantic heart and an insatiably playful imagination and a whatever else is inside that laughs at everything, eventually... usually sooner than later...

maybe i'm amazed :)

so little time, so much fatigue

i've got a fridge full of food to cook, lots of veggies and all sorts of healthy stuff and the week went by too busy to cook... i've got piles of laundry to wash and dry and put away and the week went by... softball three times, dinner once, and still fit in shopping and at least one load of laundry... i've got a mess of stuff to clean up and put away and the week went by... weekends are softball sundays and invites most saturdays... and here i am just getting home from another on call saturday and there's a party about 45 minutes from here that i am too tired to motivate myself to get to... so home, vege, rest, and maybe next week i'll find time to cook the food before it spoils and do the laundry and put away clothes and sort through the crap filling this space and pack and what?... look for an apartment so i can finally move out of here and move into a place i want to call home?... yeah, that would be good...

so tired, too tired to even feel lonely...

how are you? :}

life is busy

working extra hours regularly and on call three of the four weekends this month, but just as busy away from work as softball monday nights, tuesday nights, thursday nights, and sundays fills the calendar (linked on the right there, in case you want to know and forgot) and then some game nights and tonight, dinner with the pink pussies of facebook (hey, it's a dining club friends have put together, look it up, tell them bugs sent you... you know, the internet is a weird place so we all adapt online to have fun with the cyber delusions)...

it was lobster night at the ale house so we met and manged and managed to have much fun... and then coming home i stop for some chocolate and find a favorite cookie on sale (but two packages and get one free) so i did and now there's chocolate in the house (and nuts, did i mention nuts?) and the slacker slips a bit further back into the piggy habits and nearer to the 190 limit i thought i set for myself weeks ago when i was teasing the 180 mark (weight talk, ya know)...

tomorrow i'll be at work super early to prepare for the quality council and then have a web meeting in the afternoon and then softball in the evening and dinner if i can get to it with some friends and then friday it's halloween at work and i'll be in super early decorating the back office area which turns into a haunted hallway for the kids and by friday afternoon i'll be a zombie and will i sleep?... that's doubtful on a friday night, but at least there's nothing planned, i think...

so am i alone in life because nobody wants to keep up with me or because i'm moving too fast from fun to work to fun to actually pause and meet someone and nobody wants to meet on the run or is it just my love of garlic?...

sense of humor, gotta have one... hope you do too :)

if he had lived

i wonder what would have happened if he had lived... harry chapin, i mean... and the question can be asked about john lennon and many others, but this is the day after the nineteenth passing of the date harry died, so the query is more about harry than anybody else...

i wonder what would have happened to this world...

hardly even noticed

the 4th of july, that is... were there fireworks?... star spangled banners?... parties?... did someone throw a teabag? (oh sure, slip a wallop of political sarcasm into the simple serious attempt to catch a bit of thereal in realtime and record it here for you and me and pesterity makes three)... but pass it did, cuz here we are in the future reviewing the seemingly empty past (alas, a past without memories is a lonely empty place... so keep your memories children, keep them well and never let them go because the more memories you can make and hold on to, the fuller your life will be and feel and wonder of wonders, you'll die happy)...

but who wants to die, anyway?...

anyway, be free...

staying positive

that's the name of the game, the reason i live, the story of me, the best i can give for me the answer to the question is simply staying positive... and so another good morning to you world, and you occasional visitor, and you too...

a sleepy morning in this body, the right achilles tendon is sore, the bloat remains, the fog remains, surely sleep would cure most of what ails the body, but there is so many things to do, so much to enjoy... there'll be plenty of time to sleep (and to be alone) after this body dies... so i continue in my quests, continue enjoying the living, the giving, the sharing, the hoping, the dreaming, the wanting, and the caring...

whether you understand or not, whether you feel all the emo you are capable of feeling or you choose to control, repress, and/or remain cool and aloof... whether you isolate yourself from intimacy and the hungers of the flesh and psyche or you immerse yourself in desires so much you dare to need... anyway you want it, that's the way you get it, and i hope you want it positive no matter what you chose to do or be...

have fun out there today... as will i :)

skipping right along

the dishes are done and in the dishwasher (though clean, they've got to dry somewhere and i like to hot water blast them when i have a full load in there) and i am showered and shaved and not stinky (hopefully, not having an intimate partner, i only have my own nose to go by and human noses can be deceptively selective in catching scents that are always around, ya know)... and life is good this morning (even if it is more rushed than i'd prefer, but then, that is part of the price paid for being a responsible citizen in this modern human world... i'll nap on the plane and relax at the hotel, ah yes, reservations later... and rental car... and clean out mine so it's not a target at the airport parking garage)...

if i keep writing it, it will get done (or some baseball players might come out of the cornfield and if they are willing to slow it down and play softball, we'll have a fun game)... i hope you make today exciting and fun no matter how rushed with work or other life responsibilities you might be... and if you have an intimate partner or best friend to love, please remember to give them all the love you can give every day of your life for as long as you live (and clumb every mountain, too)... and if you are enjoying being alone, enjoy it all the more...

it's a beautiful day :)

morning has stumbled into existence

and here we are again, so ok, i did not get up at the 3am alarm, but rather pushed the snooze every nine minutes until finally turning it off, but then, i did get up at the 4am alarm, so here we are again, again... the dishes are first, then the car, then the reservations, then me, then clothes (finding, buying, packing), then toiletries (though i may simply pack nothing and buy everything there as i sometimes do)... alas, perhaps i'll never be rich again, but i'll certainly have a lot of little bottles... narf...

the nose has been itching for it's semi-annual bleed for the past few days as the temperature drop and slight sniffles and lack of sleep and excess weight and sorted other factors combine to do that now and then (in spite of several cauterizations as a young child, my nose just seems to want to bleed at least once a year) and sure enough, it's a mini-gusher this morning (as if i had time for the nurturing self-care... no, but i did find time somewhere in the sleepiness of the past night to scribble some words scratched from the deeper loneliness into my "adult" blog, which may or may not interest or offend {or shock or awe, even}, but amuses me just cuz it's behind one of those age-query agreement buttons)...

enough words (but there's always hope you do check in daily and want to know what's going on in thereal, so i continue recording the current as it becomes history in this life as i am knowing it and even if posterity is my only intimate for the rest of this life, well, at least i made the valiant effort to dream the impossible dream (which, in spite of the glowing and nurturing of others i enjoy so dearly, is really the primary reason i still exist, really)... or something like that...

make today precious in your world and share it well :)

frying brain cells

beer, sleep deprivation, softball, so much to do (fun and life chores and work) and wondering how many brain cells i fried this weekend so far... i'll catch up some more when i am more awake... too much to do, must prioritize... too sleepy... maybe a nap... what must be done before the nap... reservations, laptop... too late for laptop?... i think so... in the morning?... is there time?... dangit, bzzzzft! :)