in the middle of life

the roller coaster of life is spectacular when we allow the highs to take off without limits but the flip side of letting go allows the lows to come crashing down beyong the emotional pain thresholds most humans want to deal with, so most people hold back and learn how to appear to control their emotions through physical, emotional, and chemical distraction and therein pretend they are in control... but it's all a lie...

for the few who let the roller coaster roll where it will go, the survival rate is not so great... many hit lows and skip way off the tracks and end up dead... and then there's me... i just feel it all at once all the time and in the midst of bliss can feel the tears... awareness is a bitch, ya know?...

giving stuff, buying stuff for people into stuff is a rush, a thrill, an addiction... it gives me a sense of worth and a rush of joy... the only rub is when the gifts given are not appreciated openly because guilt or something keeps someone from being honest about how much they appreciate it, or something like that... but i love to give so i buy and give even when it's not so wise (like when i am not working)...

so i don't want to think about how much money i spent even as i enjoyed spending it and i know must set some more limits, even during this gift-giving season (but i don't and never have and why start now?... cuz work gets harder to find as the years pass and the rent still needs to be paid and i gave away all my retirement savings and nobody is going to take care of me when i get feeble... why am i answering the question, anyway?... cuz i look at life from both sides now and all the time, remember?)...

yeah, logic, sensibleness, responsibility, and the reality of life, aging, and living a long time... where's the fun in that? (snark)...

ah, perhaps i will find more will power tomorrow...

sweet sleep

four hours of unexpected sleep in the middle of the day is such a wonderful gift and with the windows open and no kids screaming outside in the little park that is right below my windows, life only gets better than this when it is shared :)

the body smiles dreamily and wonders what i'm going to do next to challenge it, but i'm going to skip the gym tonight (i think... we shall see when i get back from dinner as i decided to head over {might even walk} to gators just down the street {a mile or so} for wings with some people i know from meetup)... waterford lakes if you're into it...

looking around this space i inhabit, it's definitely time to spend an hour (at least) cleaning up... and laundry just seems to pile up faster than ever with my softball schedule... neil young was right, a man needs a maid... a woman too, but i'm just being selfish at the moment... of course ol' neil may have been using the middle-english usage of the word, but i can still dream... samantha stevens, where is your cute little magical nose?...

and how are you fine people today? :)

and the excitement continues to...

build?... oh, such fun it is to ride and slay me, and as predicted, i am home early and the very act of leaving work early and having five days off (not counting the on-call status that could make life miserable with work at a moment's notice, but we won't think about that, ok?) in a row has me bouncing off the walls in spite of feeling like a recently stuff shrunken head (maybe we bounce better than the big empty heads, aye?)...

yes, so home and nothing to do for days (notice there are no plans on the calendar?... that's right, i intend to sleep... that's what santa is bringing me this year, and he promised, sleep sleep sleep... i'm gonna fall alseep sooner or later after this wired-to-the-rafters feeling wears off (and i only had one cup of tea the remove the zombie curse at 8am) and i will pass out and not acknowledge the existence of the world outside of my head until i wake up due to natural causes...

at least that's the plan... and i'm so excited i can hardly sit still... go figure (i am so easily self-amused... how could i not love me?)... i hope you find wonders and excitements in your own way (and mind) and thank you for the phone calls and text messages - you are really out there caring... i mean, i know, but it is so sweet to find the words on the screen or in my pocket :)

celebrate you! :)

ridiculouso

a virtuoso at the ridiculous, no doubt, but we'll leave it for jk to explain someday and just remark about the fact that i am still awake, foolishly grinning while alternating between sniffling and gagging... a half dozen or so bits of fluff and blood were blown and splattered about the net tonight while i really should have been sleeping... still, the write, the babbler, the peanut gallery, the heart, everything but the body feels wonderful...

sometimes, that's life :)

make yourself feel wonderful tonight too :)