in the middle of life

the roller coaster of life is spectacular when we allow the highs to take off without limits but the flip side of letting go allows the lows to come crashing down beyong the emotional pain thresholds most humans want to deal with, so most people hold back and learn how to appear to control their emotions through physical, emotional, and chemical distraction and therein pretend they are in control... but it's all a lie...

for the few who let the roller coaster roll where it will go, the survival rate is not so great... many hit lows and skip way off the tracks and end up dead... and then there's me... i just feel it all at once all the time and in the midst of bliss can feel the tears... awareness is a bitch, ya know?...

giving stuff, buying stuff for people into stuff is a rush, a thrill, an addiction... it gives me a sense of worth and a rush of joy... the only rub is when the gifts given are not appreciated openly because guilt or something keeps someone from being honest about how much they appreciate it, or something like that... but i love to give so i buy and give even when it's not so wise (like when i am not working)...

so i don't want to think about how much money i spent even as i enjoyed spending it and i know must set some more limits, even during this gift-giving season (but i don't and never have and why start now?... cuz work gets harder to find as the years pass and the rent still needs to be paid and i gave away all my retirement savings and nobody is going to take care of me when i get feeble... why am i answering the question, anyway?... cuz i look at life from both sides now and all the time, remember?)...

yeah, logic, sensibleness, responsibility, and the reality of life, aging, and living a long time... where's the fun in that? (snark)...

ah, perhaps i will find more will power tomorrow...