false alarm

Reports of my demise have been in error, premature, even. You see, I have a farewell entry, an last-entry-ever (at least for this life as I know it), an entry scheduled for the future and, like tomorrow, it is always a day away. The thing is, for better or worse, if I don't remember to change the future date on the entry, it accidentally gets posted before I am soup. It is my final entry, after all, the entry that says farewell because the body breaths no more, the fingers type no more, the blah blah blahs no more.

I don't know exactly when that will happen, the end of the babble, but there's always hope that it will be next year, as opposed to this year, since next year, as you may have heard somewhere, is always a year away (get it?). Yeah, so I'll die tomorrow, I don't have time to die today. It's a philosophy, or something like that.

So, just in case you happened to spy those last words that slipped out here on to the internet in the past hour (and just imagine if I didn't have this sudden impulse to come here to write after being away for days and days, aye?), with much fanfare and celebration, I apologize for any stress, concern, or sorrow you may have felt.

I am not gone, only forgotten.

If you wonder why, here is a sampling of the wonders you've missed., a typical summary of food intake, for instance.. Carrots and a small low-carb tortilla smeared with fat-free cream cheese and a ribbon of grape jelly was a midnight snack after a dinner of a few slices of almost fat free ham and turkey and cheese on, you guessed it, a low-carb tortilla. A 100 calorie chocolate protein shake washed it all down. A yogurt and a shake was lunch, so today was a reduced calorie day after yesterday's all-I-could-eat pig out at the taste of Sanford food festival. That was fun.

The real, remember?

The daily blog, filed with all the daily trivia, from food to poop, from work to play, from highs to lows, and all that's in between. The daily details that make a life lived. As I said on the right, that daily chronological blog is elsewhere now. Here, at least for the last seven or five entries, entries appear rather haphazardly, randomly, and abstractly at times, as this blog was put to bed some three years ago when the daily life took a dramatic turn in another direction, a spiral downward that did not need recording, actually. Woe seldom does. It's much better now, but at the time....

Lonely days of abandonment and emptiness instead of support and repayment for betrayals and usury, the story of a life is still the same (old story). Several months went by and nobody mentioned that they noticed, but then, yet another phoenix of sorts rose, several, actually, in case it matters, and the daily life continued to be recorded for posterity. Feel free to applaud. Or just send money if that's easier.

Outrageous, no doubt.

There is a reason for everything, after all.

Someday... somehow... somewhere...

This will too.

Narf :)

waking before noon

this life of leisure is quite restful, though i feel a bit bloated today because i ate an after midnight dinner last night rich in fats (herring and sour cream)... oatmeal and flax seed for breakfast, whenever i get a little hungry (maybe an hour or two)... and get out to jog/walk at least a 2.5k today... cuz it is really getting late, alas...

and what is the date?... a day away from the... oh, this is sad... i look up solstice and find the first page is full of advertisements for sunglasses... i look up equinox and find a similar commercial override of information for cars and other stuff... i wonder if there is a search engine that has a no advertising filter... maybe an encyclopedia or wiki or dictionary... alas, the culture is so polluted with consumerism, we have forgotten the faces of our fathers, as roland would say...

though this curiosity might have some merit...

so scrolling down the page i find more pertinent information and of course i ask about the date because the mayan calendar ends tomorrow and there is all sorts of thoughts and prohesies and worries about the world ending (because without a human calendar keeping track of time, how can the world go on, right?... ahem)...

anyway, it would be nice to see some sort of enlightenment happen tomorrow at 11:12 (am) (or any time for that matter, really) and i shall set an alarm just to experience the moment cuz i am a very hopeful and curious being, ya know?...

waking sleeping

if memory serves accurately during sleep with scattered waking, i woke around 4am-ish and wandered into bed which provided a 2 hour sleep cycle and then woke at 9am-ish (right about the time of this entry, no doubt... what a couincidence, aye?) feeling the arm and took a potty break and it may have been jackson in the kitchen that nudged me out of sleep but i was obvious at the end of a 4 hour cycle when i am most easily aroused (from sleep too) and then i woke later kind of in between a 2 and 4 hour cycle which explains the grogginess to come...

anyway, i prepared many entries for tomorrow (that i might return to link here once they are uploaded, or published, even) as tomorrow is the big day and the excitement is just too much to bear without babbling on about it (what sarcasm?)...

good morning anyway, back to sleep for me :)

how quickly we fade

or age, as it is life that is fading... life, stamina, strength, resiliency, and will, at least, fade faster with each passing day... when i was in my teens i would write of how i read of people twice that age feeling like they were running uphill even on a flat surface and people three times that age accepting the inevitable sedentary life of middle age and beyond... i wondered why they did that and whether i would when i got there... and each year i wonder more why i am trudging uphill and laughing at the memories of relatively insatiable and endless energy youth... it's like gravity is getting stronger... perhaps it's the mayan calendar thing... oh sure, make jokes (but that's my way, the mttm, remember?... got to give myself the time to process and heal and then i will suddenly soar again... shhhh, am i telling secrets?)...

and the staring dog who just went out two hours ago, or less, is staring me down as if he's never been outside in his life... how quickly we lose the focus of regaining the concentration that creates the will to continue up the hill...

i just can't give myself (especially the physical, which is too easily injuried by distraction when attemting to push it past limits and i desperatly need to push past current limits because current limits are pathetic - yeah, pathetic, dangit) a few hours of undivided attention here... wah wah wah, i did mention i am pathetic, right?... but seriously consuela, i must do this survive... no, you take me out now...

he's like the maid on family guy, sheesh :}

libido

recently a good friend asked me why i am not in a relationship and i went over some reasons, like the fact that the libido part of my brain is am rather narrow-minded in what is visually attractive to me and while there are other reasons for my choosing not to reach out and touch, if the right person came along i doubt i would pass up the chance to reach out and see if there is a mutual physical attraction, but people like cami ford (the best thing about brighthouse) do not just appear as i go through my daily activities... there may be hope for mormons yet, but of course there's still the no sex rule... skin tight clothes, but no nudity... am i already detecting double standards and hypocrisy?... and have i just demonstrated why i am alone?... did you see that coming?... or that?... ah, yes, laugh and the world laughs with you, ya know...

meanwhile, when someone attracts libbo (especially visually {skip to the current list here... yes, there is a list}, yes, i am seriously sensual and very visual and not at a loss of other senses at all), she will know... yeah, we can laugh at the candor and/or respect the honesty or do whatever you like, but i know what i like...

sleep is good

oh yeah (with a deep and resounding reverberating smile ya know?)... the body feels uber super wonderful (though the arm aches a bit, healing continues) after all that walking and bouncing and fun yesterday and they is partly cuz i ate healthier yesterday and partly cuz of all the exercise yesterday, but mostly cuz i slept... sleep is good for the body... soooo good...

and the head is smiling too cuz with so much sleep, there is a happy grogginess now... the deep-sleep-drugs are still alive and kicking... i will wake in a bit and maybe then i will catch up on thoughts that transcended through the brain while i slept (perhaps even dreams, aye?)...

hope today is sparkly :)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

slight addiction

yes, as i mentioned in my newly templated bullsugar (whatever that is), i am slightly addicted to my current entry in my video me blog cuz it's fun and i miss fun so very much (among other things)... waking ealier than intended but charged with more energy than usual and every kind of desire to share (and some are undulged much more than others, so balance, dangit! (with and without exclamation points) and i sense a rush of missing babble flooding my inner sanctums)...

games, babbles, lusts, intimacies, exercise, more more more!...

yes, i work too much... wanna save me? :)

change of schedule

i've got a friend who lives in the next building and she runs and/or swims every morning before it gets light and that is so not my daily rhytme, the opposite of my schedule in fact, but this body would benefit so much from more regular exercise, so...

i am attempting to start the day awake before sunrise this week (which means falling asleep earlier than craig... luckily he's on youtube if i ever find the time)... just moderately exhausted so far :)

deep breaths and just keep swimming with happy thoughts :)

need more time

loaded a load of dishes and i wonder if there is a load of laundry in the dryer and there's more dishes to wash and lots more clothes to wash and the ringing is exceptionally loud tonight (ah, tinnitis, or tinittis, yes, the second one, maybe steany hot shower will help?) and the brain and body so long for more sleep, but do i have a clean warm long sleep shirt for tomorrow?... wearing long sleeve winter shirts for the past ten or more days in a row has rised the need for laundry through the roof and i intended to do some tonight, but nodding off happened and now, the brain wants to not move the body and somehow find the bed... winter fatigue is different, i almost forgot what it's like...

feeling more alone that usual tonight too... sleepy... nite nite :)

new year, football

yeah, the college football is on the tv and i am listening with half an ear and occasionally glancing up to catch a play (or more often a replay) when something sounds interesting (which translates, for me, into a fine example of body control and athletic prowess cuz I admire people who care for their bodies well enough to do things that most dare not even try to do... i used to love to dive for balls and make plays that take the body as far as it can go... and this isn't even a sensual entry, though it might be if we allow for double entendres, aye?... i suppose diving for balls would be double entendred for girls and gay guys, though mentioning it now probably deflates the whole effect of the entendre... deflates, hmmmmm... ah, but in the real, football doesn't turn me on sexually... rarely do any sports cuz sexuality cuz most sports are about control, whereas sex is about letting go of control, quite the opposite... is this another digression?... is that another rhetorical question?... am i in the mood to babble?... are we still in e-the-real?... should this parenthetic aside end?) and challenging to do...

while it's not often in recent years, i do go through phases where some days i just sit back and vege in front of the tv with the keyboard on my lap... but i am not that solitary these days, so even on the laziest days i could always move the keyboard if the right person wanted to sit down...

are we enjoying our new year? :)

well that was exciting

and will be quite painful in the morning... and probably the most powerful sign and message that it is time to re-negotiate my lifestyle and habits with myself quite immediately, though it may not be done as immediately as it ought to be... see, in my rush to get the laundry out of the dryer so the next load can get into the dryer so it wouldn't wrinkle more than it already had in the time it sat waiting for me to remember i was doing laundry (finally) so i could make it to the tv in time to see the opening of craig's show (cuz it's vital to the continued peace on earth and good will toward men and women too that i actually witness the opening of craig's show, even though it may be ridiculously pointless to risk life and limb to get in front of the tv when the show is a rerun, but that's besides the point), i slipped on a dryer sheet that i neglect to pick up regularly out of sheer laziness and perhaps some sort of depression or at least apathy and ambivalence on some level (and pondering the possibility of actually breaking a hip and laying naked and motionless in agonizing pain for days until someone came over cuz i didn't show up for work for a week and someone finally decided to call the police to check on me or something and sadder still that if might taken longer due to the holidays, not to mention the awkwardness there would inevitably be due to the nudity) and fell quite profoundly hard to the floor...

really quite profoundly hard...

seriously, ouch...

hard floor too, being a fake tile substance in the kitchen... i don't think i broke anything, though i have a very high tolerance for pain and the three specific areas of concern that struck the floor quite severely may just be too numb to determine the actual extent of the injury with great accuracy, but hoping nothing was borken i must reflect that it is a combination of luck, seriously strong bones, and amazing reflexes that surprised me as i landed on my right firearm/elnow flat enough to the power of the blow was distributed along the entire forearm and therein hopefully did not strike with enough force to break anything and thn there's the right knee, which has been taking a beating this past year in softball and did not need to be part of this exciting event, but i am still thinking nothing is broken, however i am probably quite accurate in assessing that this will be quite painful in the morning...

yes, there is a modicum of swelling and discoloration already, being the slippage occurred only ten minutes ago, so i would advise myself to put ice on it if i was going to take my advise... holding ice to three different places is such a chore though, aye?... hurt less and heal faster if i keep the swelling down, sure sure, but there is work in the morning and i really ought to get the laumdry done so i can get some sleep..

where's my nurse, anyway?...

alas, alone sucks sometimes...

so anyway, i hope your night was just as exciting, though a whole lot less painful :)

oooo, look at all the dark clouds up there

yes, because i am under the weather, you see... i decided to spend the evening adding cds to my laptop hard drive cuz i have hundreds more cds than are currently on this hard drive cuz i most of the cds were on the old laptop that died and the mybook hard drive that i have not hooked up to this laptop, ever, yet, so there is a serious need for more music on this laptop and that's what i've chosen to do tonight while i sit here waiting for the weather to pass overhead...

and some crap tv in the background...

how are you? :)

not again

napped for two hours after home made pizza and the brain was running laps as i laid the body down in bed, so after realizing the words had to flow cuz the brain got enough sleep (two hours, the body says, the brain is insane... poor body) and here we are after babbling elsewhere for a while...

no tv, so maybe i'll pass out again soon... hope you are enjoying your brain... and life :)

right on right on

so besides being still awake, bloated by pizza and pasta and ice cream and chocolate and dr pepper cherry, and feeling the stress/strain on the body inside out (including the heart muscle), i started yet another new blog, the thirtieth (approximately) here at blogspot...

scary, no doubt...

feel free to voice your complaints there (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

blurry head

another day of work (on call weekends keep me running running running and eating almost to my heart's content (with gallons of caffeinated beverages) certainly does not help as the extra food just makes the body work harder to digest and process and store and then, the extra pounds just make the body work harder to move, every movement, and then, the night after night playing ball or going to parties or simply staying up to watch craig, yes, craig is my secret lover drinking me to drink power shakes in the middle of the night when i really ought to be sleeping (as it was in the beginning, so goes the night, yes, one long night, of this life)...

just look at the date, for crying out loud, it's amazing i've been so sane for so long... please, take care of yourself... and your children... for the night has no mercy on lovers who give up on love...

quark...

too late for tv

which is a blessing since i watch way too much tv these days and it is draining what remaining brain cells i have of their potential for the leap to the next level of conscious awareness that i have flittered with a few times in this life, but found it not as fun as the sharing that can be done on the lower levels of consciousness cuz without someone else there, the sharing is one sided (which isn't actually sharing, if you follow even a bit of the flow of these words)...

so anyway, a call came in inviting me to a last minute game night in deltona, which is north almost half way to daytona, and i headed up and had fun and am just getting home... pigged out a bit, which is a foolish start to this weekend as i have two more parties and not much exercise planned due to the injuries... but fun, much fun and the solitary sensual pleasures of food is better than none...

on the injury front, the knee is still on and off at the poimnt where it was hit by the batted ball and there's some sort of ache when weather changes which really sucks and probably had a lot to do with the hamstring pull... the hamstring is getting better, i walk up and down stairs ok and only have pain when trying to bend or push off, so running would not be wise, but i should be able to drag myself to first base if they need me to play thursday night... sleep and vitamins and the right food helped a whole lot, now if i only get more sleep next week...

so on goes the music (i really need to get the hard drive loaded with the cds on the shelves so i can actually listen to all the music i've got and then decide what more i want and make mixes and get back into music and myself and the life and times of the person i used to be before i gave myself away to folk who wouldn't nurture or appreciate what they had... yeah, a really truly best friend would be a nice blessing too...

so how was your night in your life? :)

long week, but got some sleep

as you will know already (how's that for playing with tenses?... wait, i'm not done) if you read the previous posts that have yet to be written (O-O, what a word geek, aye?), on monday night i pulled a hamstring tagging up from second to third on a short fly ball to center and then limped home from third with the tying run in the bottom of the seventh on the next batter's hit... we won the game and tonight, the team played without me and won the first game of the playoffs... next thursday is the rest of the playoffs and i will see how the leg feels, but i definitely will take a pinch runner if i play and make it to first base...

in other news, precious totalled her second car for the year last night and i was sleeping... she's ok, though spent some hows in the hospital getting checked out... the worst bruising came from the seat belt... i thought she had an airbagm but i never rode in the second car so i suppose not... the first accident she was hit from behind while at a red light... this time she couldn't stop in time when someone stopped short in front of her... the SUV had a damaged bumper, her car received a totalled front end... the benefit of driving a gas guzzler, i suppose...

i am taking tomorrow off, mostly, to take care of business, so i should sleep some tonight, but at least i did sleep more than ten hours the past two nights, which is wonderful (says the body and mind) and also why i haven't been here... so to all the silent millions of fans out there who love me and miss me (and the few who actually leave a few words now and then), all is well in the real and while all could be better, i've got fewere complaints every day (mostly cuz i'm a day closer to dead and understand the logic and wisdom of not wasting time or energy on worry or stressing over the small stuff, but there may also be some greater depth and stability to the balance and peace within the psyche, yeah, it's not just apathy and ambivalence, nyuk)...

much more to come in previous entries here, there (which may be real time, behind the candoor, or even bullsugar, but wait, there are even newer blogs budding out there if you're clever enough to track them down... shhhh, it's our little secret until the tabloids get a hold of the photos and text messages and twitters and pull a tiger woods on us), and other places... life is good and amusing, as usual... and just think of what getting a lot of sleep might do to the profundity and candor of the babble, aye?...

narf :)

ouch, dangit!

pulled a hamstring again, only the second time, but definitely set myself up for it by not stretching enough on a chilly night when i worked a twelve hour day without eating or drinking and slept maybe two hours the night before and at most four hours a night the previous week or few and it's probably been a year since i actually slept through until i woke naturally, maybe longer, and definitely several years since i took time off and just slept as much as the body/mind wanted for a week or so (which is the best way to tay healthy and long a long life, but that's not really the priority for our culture cuz there's no profit in it)...

we did win the game and I scored the run that tied the game in the bottom of the last inning by beating out a ground ball to first (sprint #1) and then beating out the throw to second on a ground ball to short (sprint #2, the second baseman bobbled the ball), and then beating out the tag up throw from short center from second to third (sprint #3, pulled the hamstring), and then limping home on the single to right that followed… and the kids on the team may never realize what it takes to play at a higher level than they do in a body somewhat older than theirs, but hey, my other teams appreciate me (nyuk-ish)…

so i could get all sorts of philosophical (and cynical) alluding to the limited awareness and delusional childhood in which humanity remains steadfastly (and vehemently, arrogantly, and violently) submerged, just a step or two away from the children they were believing in santa and the easter bunny in the younger years of individual life times, but hey, I’ll just focus on healing and raising my consciousness even if that isolates me all the more… ah, alas, and narf…

if you only knew :}

home from the tourney

actually, i got home last night and stopped in to check comments and mail and such... no mail, which is the usual as i stopped using email and snailmail for corresponding some years ago... with a little help from my toronto family, aye? (ah, the sarcasm rubs, no doubt)... the apartment mailbox has a vacant card in it cuz i check it so seldom the mail person assumes the apartment is vacant... the po box is checked once or twice a month, but often the mail from there just piles up somewhere waiting for me to find time and motivation to sort through... and maybe that is because i no longer trust people on a personal level, not even for communication... could be i've swallowed too many lies, but then, it could simply be laziness and the desire to rest for the few minutes i am actually home... anyway, i do keep this up (and the babbling elsewhere), so some part of me still wants to keep in touch even if few else do...

deep thoughts, perhaps, as the tourney was fun but brought out some deep thoughts for the team last night about winning and losing and teamwork and family and egos and priorities and fun and competitiveness and statistics and, anyway, we came in third out of 29 teams, which would have been great had the coaches not been so competitive and the younger players on the team not followed suit... so much inexperience, it's amazing they got that far... the coaches were playing games elsewhere most of the time, but they returned for the two final games and we lost them both, i say largely due to the way they coached, the mistakes they made, and the pressure they put on the young players... we were on a seven game winning streak that was mostly without them and the close games were the ones they showed up for part of the games...

anyway, i sent an email to the team that i'll put in one of the babbling blogs just cuz that is what i do, or used to do, partly to keep in touch with myself, for posterity, and hoping that someone cares to know what goes on in my head more than the brief moments here, and ultimately for that dream of sharing everything with the one... yes, ever the hopelessly hopeful romantic even as i actualize the intimacy of a hermit...

maybe i'll write more later, but for now, the internet is frustratingly slow (att sucks, microsoft vista sucks, the usual suckages) and mostly i am enjoying sitting and vegging cuz it was a very long weekend and while mostly fun and nothing hurts (yay for the durable old body, aye?), fatigue is blissfully high...

hope your weekend was as much fun as mine, even more, even :)