lost in her eyes

well, wishful thinking, but seriously lost in the internet tonight as i've sat here for more than eight hours wandering mostly youtube watching and listening hour after hour and you can find much of my wandering and viewing and listening linked in all of the sites i saw pages specially tonight and tomorrow (remind me to fix that link tomorrow if i forget) culminating in the sheer adorableness and musical gifts of zooey deschanel who helped me finally completed the specific sites i saw for amy's birthday (though natalie portman and mila kunis {especially the last link} inspired the title of this entry and sheesh, where are faces like hers around here, sigh and all that)...

alas, and where did the actual physical world romantic i once was wander off to?... not to mention the imaginary one who wrote thousands of loves songs over the years... zooey would understand... yup, i am in love (yeah, lafs {love at first site} once again) with zooey and her music (adorableness is powerful, but mix it with a sultry sweet voice singing all those standards and it's linda ronstadt and melanie all over again) and still, mila's face melts me (seriously lafs)... superficial?... i so wish i had the opportunity to find out (as i laugh myself off to la la land now :)

nite nite and make it a wonderful day :)

i forget

just how much is in my head, how much more i can create and how much creativity beyond the daily challenges of work and play, the words and music expressing emotion and epotion and devotion and awareness and enlightened thought and new ideas and love in so many ways inspires me and fulfills me and empowers me and then, i wonder... how can i forget how powerful singing is for me... that loss is the single greatest loss i've experienced in this life and how i could have given it away, allowed myself to forget, i'll never fully grasp... and how did it take me so long to remember the music of my own heart... it doesn't get much more real than this...

so with minimal fanfare, hardly a notice, but with seriously wonderful chills down the spine... a new blog is born tonight...

yeah, really

omigosh... not the sudden blurted out omigosh as one syllable, but the oh-my-gosh of wonderfully wonder-fulled wondrous memory re-incarnating feeling so purely sweetly beautiful that there are no words... of course music bring me here again... tonight, the music of jay & the americans and many other related songs found on youtube... righteous brothers, moody blues, association, elvis, four seasons, lettermen, and so many others... so i've got hundreds of vids to download queued up when i finally stop listening as the library grows... oh yeah, really, all i can do is smile :)

music (and lyrics) makes thereal the best place to be :)

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

not sleeping much

and loving every minute of it as friends coax me to push (with a big jolt of help from caffeine) into another later night party mode and we had fun fun fun till the eyes were all closing around me and just eight hours ago when i showed up at the party after moving jackson's stuff for hours in the peak heat of the day and feeling exhausted i was barely able to articulate how tired i was (the conders of the coffee bean and sugar and chocolate) and here we are (after sleeping only four or so hours last night) wired and still gonna go play softabll from 10am to 5pm or so tomorrow cuz the bottom line is i am not gonna find the sharing i am missing by staying home or while i am sleeping, diggity...

and when i die, i die... until then, party on life :)

sleep fool

the good news is there was a bit of a bubble of babble tonight and though there was not enough time or energy to focus (or unfocus) for realtime babble, no less to slip behind the candoor, there was some babble tonight... and twitters, even (that could be scary)...

still alive, now sleep, dammit! :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

anybody here?

yeah, i know, it's a hopefulness based on hope alone as i check to see if anybody stopped by any of my online spaces almost every time i return home, especially since starting this e-the-real blog where i stop in for brief updates and the waving the waterboys sang of all those years ago...

another game party with some of the funnest people in orlando and even though i was nodding off and so ready to sleep before i left, a little caffeine and sugar and i was playing and here we are, ten hours later, groggy but more awake than i was... friends and fun and the night...

maybe i'll get two hours sleep before morning practice and somehow i'll get some pants washed (or maybe i'll just stop and buy another pair of pants) for work this week, but after practice i'm hoping i don't stink too much so i can nap somewhere downtown before the party and the afternoon game so i might rejoin the party after the game (hoping i still don't stink too much) and somehow squeeze in getting the pants washed or bought and getting some sleep before starting another work week...

it's not like this is any sort of revelation (speaking of redundant thoughts), but there really are not enough hours in a day on this planet... i need to find a planet with 42 hour days, that is the answer, ya see :)

hope you are enjoying your sleep and your day is even more fun when you wake :)

happy birthday nic

suddenly, a 4:37am

i found myself eating a fish sandwich and drinking juicy juice cherry and hoping the microwave cooked the fish enough so i do not get food poisoning, which is not a thought i'd like to actualize today...

and now i should sleep a bit, even though i just ate, because a few hours from now i do need to get a whole lot of mentally challenging work done... well, maybe not so challenging as it is draining, or maybe simply occupying yes, mentally occupying is the right term... never mind all the other terms now... think: polymath!

i spent the last four hours or so on facebook joining groups, fanning pages, adding friends, and leaving the random comment... listening to music on youtube too... and enjoying the hopes and dreams and inspirations and random smiles i found along the way... hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing tonight too :)

must have forgotten

even the title is deja vu, but i was so absorbed by browsing the web last night (and most of yesterdat, even as i nodded off) that i forgot to blog, here, at least... i left comments in various places and rambled on a lot, actually, just not in any of my blogs... i think...

it was a wonderful blurry time, it was... but i remember being inspired quite wonderfully to believe there may actually be some hope for humanity after all (i know, i'm so easy)... there are bound to be links popping up here and there sooner or later, so stay tuned for another mad love affair, or something like that...

and work, the usual for a first work day of the month, beating the bushes for the data from department heads, preparing reports, and since it's the first of the year, finishing up the new databases and spreadsheets for the new year... this director stuf is way too easy, really, even when the brain has to work overtime to put together stuff in half the time it would take the ordinary superman...

life is too much fun with self-mockery :)

new year, happy

ah, the dog is missed, happy dog, that is... the only one who ever offered me truly unconditional love, as primitive as it might have been... perhaps that's the secret of actualizing unconditional love, letting it come from the primitive instinctive depths of the brain...

home after the party where we chatted, watched some football, chatted some more, and ate like pigs... i picked up a ton of food and there wee lots of leftovers... i sad no to a half dozen other parties, much wilder, much bigger parties, but it was good to hang peacefully at jackson's cuz i'd have tried to stay home if and take care of me if she didn't invite me over... i might as well face it, i don't give myself nearly enough me time... even when it seem to, i'm mostly distracting myself and not really taking care of me... but hey, that's just the early morning hours of a new year after a party talking, right?...

so maybe this will be the year i finally return to the place i belong, inside and out, and find the one and start living that happily ever after togetherness that i've been dreaming about beneath the seriously irreverent self-mocking carefree demeanor... or something like that...

happy new year :)

right on right on

so besides being still awake, bloated by pizza and pasta and ice cream and chocolate and dr pepper cherry, and feeling the stress/strain on the body inside out (including the heart muscle), i started yet another new blog, the thirtieth (approximately) here at blogspot...

scary, no doubt...

feel free to voice your complaints there (nyuk nyuk, narf :)

try to sleep, aye?

but i slept all day and while i might have vegged and fallen back to sleep at the normal human how tonight, instead, i went out to yet another party and feasted on junk food and sweets and dr pepper and came home wired once again and so what if i am going to get up in the morning to apartment shop and then head to a party in the afternoon and another later in the evening and continue on through the night... life will continue, with or without me... and i;ll enjoy it while i can... so, more food, drink, and be merry... all by myself, since no one who keeps my ridiculous hours is here at hand... and i hope you are enjoying every moment of your life too :)

and then...

i wonder how many times i titled an entry and then with or without ellipses or parenthetic subtitles), but anyway, this came forth from a response to a comment that summed up the day just fine, so it's an entry cuz it's e-thereal...

yes, it's been a long day... up early for work and work work work and mostly wandering around doing as i please (cuz directors cando that, oh so important and all, ya know), but it's still work work work (and fun) and then softball, unfortunately, as the team got knocked out of the playoffs tonight, which is fine on one level as i need a break and this team can be frustrating due to inconsistent committment, effort, skill, balance, and too many players) and also has another pitcher (my two championship teams don't) and then off to hang with the team while waiting to head to the midnight movie (3-d i-max premiere of avatar (with free passes at universal studios, cool, aye?... it was great, especially for tree-huggers) and then hang a bit more and home to home-made pizza and middle of the night tv cuz twilight zone fit perfectly with the sci-fi arty mood) and now... chocolate cream (or creme) pie... life is good...

i have no intention of going to work today, naa naa :)

and as if this wasn't a wonderful enough day, there, to widden my smile even more, a comment from a dear old friend that inspired a quick catch up of the day that became this entry... isn't life amazing?... fun?... simple?... well, life is something, isn't it?...

whatever it is, enjoy it :)

too late for tv

which is a blessing since i watch way too much tv these days and it is draining what remaining brain cells i have of their potential for the leap to the next level of conscious awareness that i have flittered with a few times in this life, but found it not as fun as the sharing that can be done on the lower levels of consciousness cuz without someone else there, the sharing is one sided (which isn't actually sharing, if you follow even a bit of the flow of these words)...

so anyway, a call came in inviting me to a last minute game night in deltona, which is north almost half way to daytona, and i headed up and had fun and am just getting home... pigged out a bit, which is a foolish start to this weekend as i have two more parties and not much exercise planned due to the injuries... but fun, much fun and the solitary sensual pleasures of food is better than none...

on the injury front, the knee is still on and off at the poimnt where it was hit by the batted ball and there's some sort of ache when weather changes which really sucks and probably had a lot to do with the hamstring pull... the hamstring is getting better, i walk up and down stairs ok and only have pain when trying to bend or push off, so running would not be wise, but i should be able to drag myself to first base if they need me to play thursday night... sleep and vitamins and the right food helped a whole lot, now if i only get more sleep next week...

so on goes the music (i really need to get the hard drive loaded with the cds on the shelves so i can actually listen to all the music i've got and then decide what more i want and make mixes and get back into music and myself and the life and times of the person i used to be before i gave myself away to folk who wouldn't nurture or appreciate what they had... yeah, a really truly best friend would be a nice blessing too...

so how was your night in your life? :)

i need more heads

what i mean is, i need more brain, specifically, more information connected to my brain... maybe i just need better organization and efficiency and time management... what brings this on, you might ask (and it isn't cuz i want to look up and listen to robin wright laugh while bantering with craig)...

i appear to have missed out on a $229 netbook that i would have bought if they had one at the store i visited today after getting my softball pants hemmed (and while waiting for the same-day hemming, i wandered around the burlington coat factory and somehow found myself leaving with close to $500 worth of clothes that i may never wear, but maybe i will finally dress in pants and shirts {and ties?} instead of the fancy sweats i wear most of the time these days, for years, actually... yes, so i actually bought three pair of semi-dress pants and three ties and at least twice three shirts {that would be six, or a half dozen, at least, aye?} and two pair of shoes, or some sort of footwear and a jacket for cooler softball nights and a jacket for smoking, not that i smoke, but it's one of those smoking jackets you might find worn by alcoholic writers obscurely drifting through life on the left bank {of paris, of course}, which might make me cooler than i am if i wear it to the local poetry slams or something like that)...

yes, so anyway, i was a bit perturbed that i missed this $229 netbook and every best buy in florida is sold out except one and that one is between miami and ft. lauderdale and i am going to be in ft. lauderdale friday through sunday, so i tried to order it online but the site wouldn't work for some reason and...

i puased there for assorted reasons and then returned to find myself babbling so the entry, for the most part, was moved as expressed here in the next paragraph, after which, i will be elsewhere (see RealTime)...

this is a babbling entry that belongs in the babbling place that was not supposed to be RealTime, but became RealTime cuz it was easier and faster to manuever around blogger than diaryland even in the days of crappy internet connection like these days, but before this goes on any further and turns thereal into a babbling place, which was not the intention, i shall move these words and summarize somewhat, or something like that...

meanwhile, i ought to get some sleep and stop stuffing my face with banana nut crunch cuz today is thanksgiving and i am supposed to meet a friend or few for dinner somewhere and it might be appropriate to actually be hungry and eat something... so i shall thank you for visiting threal today and most likely continue babbling elsewhere cuz i am in a babbling mood...

miss you too :}

game night fun

yes, just getting in from the game night fun... a couple of new people and a bunch of regulars and while we were definitely a sleepier group than usual, it was fun... note to self: spend less on fruit next time... yeah, i almost kind of sorta didn't stop myself from buying $50 worth of berries (blue, black, rasp, and straw)...

but as i return to a regular social activity olmost every week, i am feeling the loneliness more and while there are good people and we have fun, the longing for the touch, the hug, the hand to hold, the cuddle, it is returning stronger than ever... as is the sex drive and while masturbation, for me, is better than most of the poartners i've been with, i increasingly miss shared intimacy every day...

and yet, there was no one there tonight with whom i would really want to make love... so eyes open and expand the population and keep hope alive...

sleepless madness

because I don't want to miss a thing, not even in my own mind, all by myself, even when I don't wanna be, I enjoy the experience of being so much that I find the bleariest awakeness preferable to the bliss of clarity that comes from a full restful regular sleep cycle...

so though the best laid plans, intentions, and wisdom would lead me to sleep long tonight (that was the plan, man), but the madness kept me awake and the fool did not do laundry, see... I sat down here telling myself I would let myself fall asleep even though I desperately need to do laundry and instead, I read and wrote and dreamed and here we are, hours and hour later, still awake... with dirty laundry...

blame it on craig... but I still love you :)

still i don't sleep

as even fat-free vanilla yogurt becomes the base for my new ice cream and all sorts of healthier tastes substitute for the fat-sugar fat-carb and fat-fat foods i used to so adore but hardly miss anymore, i still don't sleep...

and even as i play softball four times a week, three evenings getting home too late to watch any prime time tv so i wait up for craig ferguson because he amuses me with his irreverent absurdity and sophmoric shtick, i still don't sleep...

and even as i rarely do an all-nighter these days because i play the corporate professional game of relatively 24/7 responsibility as i did once upon a time so many times ago in another life before i lost it all and was set adrift somewhere left of nowhere and the years demand more rest from this body, i still don't sleep...

and even as i so rarely browse the internet or check emails or, gasp, write even, (even?... oh, even) for reasons ignored or unknown or both or simply not created yet, i still don't sleep...

but the world inside my head awaits, still, so... i don't sleep...

because I miss you... i still don't sleep.

because the world did not end

i go on within you and without you

stevie wonder sang a beautiful love song
sargeant pepper lead the band away
john and george and paul and ringo are still going strong
still skeeter davis sang of yesterday
but i said something wrong that i still cannot say
stolen moments chords and words not left behind
and only pretending to be lost, say a prayer
before you step into my mind

do you remember when the music played?
do you remember how the words made you feel?
do you remember how fluid the rhymes flowed from my fevered brow
does anything i do feel half as real right now?

it's still the same old story
the song is still the same
the road goes on forever
welcome back my friends
the end is just one more illusion
feeding fear and hopelessness
will you share just one more moment
of peace, love, and happiness?

i was a harry chapin fan
i loved john lennon too
and so much more that we could share
because i still love you
and because your heart is true
i know somewhere, somehow, sometimes
you still love me too
oh oh ooooo
i'll always love you

some promises are permanent, for better or worse...

waiting for the one to join me in the never-ending verse

hopefully before either one of us end up in a hearse...

nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
chuckl, chuckl, chuck-a-barf
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, narf
no more hunger or thirst
but first...