the roller coaster ride (episode x)

emotional roller coaster, that is... but since emotions are driven by thoughts and experiences that produce chemicals in the brain and body that produce physical reactions and physical feelings then the emotional roller coaster ride that is an openly lived life is as physically exhilerating as any roller coaster or as depressing as any physical pressure might be... feelings are physical, after all, even when they are all in the mind... so maybe all that is semantic housekeeping so you might gather more meaning from my words and perspective of the emotional experience available in this life when not strapped down by the restrictions of fear and doubt and insecurity and uncertainty (and any other name we commonly give to fear)... i do not live without fear... i do not pretend to be fearless... i just do my best to not let fear get in the way of experiencing the maximum extremes of emotions in this life... trust has led to some profoundly helpless and hopefless depressions as i've trusted this body's survival to a few and have been betrayed, left for dead and luckily i had the strength to find a way to survive from the streets without anything beyond the clothes on my back... but the extremes were just as high when i experienced the hope and unconditional trust shared... illusion or not, it felt so real and wonderful... was it worth the fall?... i'll let you know the next time i have the chance to get on the ride (se says with a coy smirk and an honest smile)...

i am not sure if the ride has taken me on a more subdued track or if i have chosen to avoid the extreme that come from falling in love and giving unconditional trust, but then, it takes two to experience the former and i did, until late last year (when was that exactly and this is the tip of any enourmous unexplored iceberg {trauma} that has been mostly ignored since i hit it {or it hit me} whenever that was), the latter all through this life which produced the most extreme emotions of all so what is all this getting at (or what am i skating around?)...

can i ever trust unconditionally again?...

that question drops like a bomb...

but the silence is louder...

narf...