Tuesday, September 29, 2015

always here (even when i'm gone)

and hundreds came before... of course by now you are wondering where i've been (even though it appears as if i've been right here all along) or else you are wondering how can you live with yourself after missing this?... yes, the ego never sleeps and sometimes, you may find amusement in the wandering fool, but if you are never ceased to be amazed (what is grammatically correct, anyway?), then you may come to see a bit of my perspective and enjoy it all, in spite of the stress and pain... the rain in spain drove manly men insane... are you a manly man?... be she petite so sweet and kind, agile of body and open of mind, precious and few moments so rare a find, cherish her kind or she'll leave you behind... somebody to love would be nice too... but compatibility is a vice (who knew?)... if you need to ask twice he is not for you... there is only one love so pure and true... don't fool yourself into believing what you think when what is real is everything you do... you'll know if it's you the moment i tell you and if i have not told you already, then know that it is not you...

still searching for the one i always knew...

narf :)

Saturday, September 26, 2015

nodding (defragging)

yes, as in nodding off... and what are the odds there aren't a few entries already titled nodding... i used to keep track of that sort of detail in an access database but those days are long gone...

so i laid down next to happiness and we napped together,,, he enjoyed the petting and scratching and sleep, though he sleeps quite restlessly which is another sign of the physical discomfort... the defrag with optimization continues (hours now) and there's free space tucked in between the defragged segments so i don't know if that's optimized... there are a whole lot of fragmented files that are unmoveable while i never understood completely, but i guess they are the windows files that are running right now... there ought to be a way to defrag and optimized them too...

defrag your brain...

defrag

being the ridiculously neglectful fool i can be sometimes, i am defragmenting the laptop... apparently i have not defragged in a long time... fool, aye?... it is gonna tak a long time... after defragging, i may consider moving files to an external drive to see if that helps the old machine... eventually i want to wipe the drive and reimage it with windows 10, so backing everything up on an external makes sense... auslogic disk defrag is working hard to clean up the drive as most of it was fragmented... so close to 350,000 files were analyzed and just over 5,000 are fragmented... the program says 1% were fragmented, but it looks like a whole lot more... two of the files were in more than 250 fragments each... fragging frags, aye?... auslogics is also telling me there are 241 registry errors and 342 junk files on the laptop... so i used auslogics registry cleaner and that cleaned the registry and told me i have other things as they tried to sell me boostspeed which cleaned up some more stuff but then wanted $60 to do more and that's when i stopped... i returned to defrag and am now doing a defrag with optimization which will likely take a few hours...

something to do while sitting with happiness...

narf :)

Friday, September 25, 2015

delivery issues (grump grump grump)

there are two local italian restaurants i usually order from when i want italian delivery... they are relatively small pizza joints that have a typical italian dinner menu and they have my first and second favorite tomato sauces in the area (and sauce is so much of italian flavor, after all) but alas, the #1 red sauce italian place has just lost my delivery business... i will probably still eat there (food is better not delivered anyway) and may pick up when i am in the mood to drive, but delivery for them is a big fail... the girl taking orders has gotten orders wrong in the past, too often, but i forgive them each time... this time, the girl got the address wrong - or the driver got the address wrong - so the driver calls from 40 minutes away asking for directions... he took my food twenty minutes in the opposite direction... i've had deliveries from the place with the same girl taking orders at least a dozen times this year, probably more... after i tell the driver he is in the wrong city, either his phone drops the call or he hangs up... five tries, he doesn't answer... so i call the manager...

the manager asks if i want the order may over and i say yes, though i express my unhappiness that my planned dinner is going to be at least an hour later than planned... thirty minutes later the guy who was in the other town shows up with the food that's been sitting in his car for at least an hour and i tell him to call his manager, the food goes back... and finally, two hours after i first placed my order, food arrives... overcooked and cold, obviously the same food reheated badly and in containers not sealed properly (because they were obviously opened and then reclosed)... i called the place and was put on hold and after a few minutes i hung up and called my credit card company and disputed any charges that comes from the italian place... and then i headed out to buy dinner...

the manager called back while i was driving to the second (now first) favorite place and he sort of apologized... he did say he would not chanrge for the order and further he'd put a credit for the entire order on my account (account?... i have to give my name, number, and address every time i call and they still get it wrong... the other place knows me the minute i give them my number)... i thank him and let him know i will not be ordering delivery from them anymore but i will stop in when i feel like driving there... i then picked up food from the other place and ate happily... three hours after planned...

can't win 'em all...

narf...

celebrating outside

here we are chilling on the patio, happiness wandering around a bit, drinking some water, doing his best not to lay down because laying down is awkward and more, laying down means eventually getting up and getting up is hard… the old guy is struggling to be active and comfortable these last days… he wagged his tail for the second time this week when I took him out for the third time this morning... he walked all the way to the end of the building and back without collapsing, pausing ever few feet to rest… he’s a happy dog to have one of us home with him today… these last days we are trying to spend as much time with him as possible so he knows how much he is loved and we can decide if he is crossing the discomfort line too much… making that decision to assist death along is one of the most challenging decisions life presents to a family…

he plopped down for a while on the concrete which made it challenging for him when he wanted to get back up… smooth concrete has become too slippery to push off so I helped him up and he walked over to his food bowl and ate some food… now he wants to head back inside… carpeting, that’s the easiest surface to rise from…

one more breath, reason to smile...

Thursday, September 24, 2015

tough night

got home around 5 to take care of happiness and it was about 7 before i sat down... though jackson said he went out four hours earlier, he pooped on his bed... she must have been in a hurry... he really needs time lately... tonight couldn't make it very far outside and dropped down twice, panting heavily, and i had to stand him up... he peed on the walk a few feet from the door again... he can't make it to the grass, alas... his time is near... i put him to bed...

jackson had the day off and spent it with her girl, getting home after he fell asleep... she woke him but he couldn't make it far and it hit her... she avoids the unpleasantness of life so well... i keep encouraging her to spend time with him cuz i think she's going to be very sad that she didn't these last months, but she is so busy with work and play and is so seldom home... so sad...

so i am not sleeping, feeling the emotion... so i'm gonna eat some mac and cheese and watch tv... comfort food... and distraction... heroes... being different is challenging sometimes, so lonely... my super power is feeling too much... super empathy... the highest high, the lowest low, and no one to share it...

of course it's all in my mind, great imagination, but it's so heavy... mind over body, after all...

sigh... narf... sigh...

celebrating his last days

here we are chilling on the outside in front on his outside bed and i am typing on the work computer (i'll email it to myself) cuz the old laptop doesn't have a battery anymore... dear old happiness is wandering around a bit, drinking some water, doing his best not to lay down because laying down is awkward and more, laying down means eventually getting up and getting up is hard… he needs help getting up more and more... sigh... the old guy is struggling to be active and comfortable these last days… he wagged his tail for the second time this week when I took him out for the third time this morning... he walked all the way to the end of the building and back without collapsing, pausing ever few feet to rest… he’s a very happy dog to have one of us home with him today…

the world is blurry for him these days with cataract growing so it seems fitting to have some of his last pictures somewhat out of focus... these last days we are trying to spend as much time with him as possible so he knows how much he is loved and we can observe him closely for more than a few minutes (cuz we are so seldom home) and decide (deep breath) if he is crossing the discomfort line too much… making that decision to assist death along is one of the most challenging decisions life presents to a family… jackson doesn't want to go near it, but neither of us want him suffering... saying googbye is going to be the hardest thing she's ever done...


earlier he plopped down for a while on the patio concrete which made it challenging for him when he wanted to get back up… the patio has smoothe concrete and smooth concrete has become too slippery to push off, almost as challenging as the tile in the bathroom or lenoleum in the hall and kitchen... so I helped him up and he walked over to his food bowl and ate some food… now he wants to head back inside… carpeting, that’s the easiest surface to rise from…

we laid down together and he enjoyed his head and ears rubbed...


sigh...

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

last days

the toughest part of adopting a dog, or any pet, into the family, but especially a dog because most dogs are so much more emotionally co-dependant than other domesticated animals, is comning to realize we've enetered the last days... it is easier to stay busy with life and not notice the deterioration of muscles and body functions... watching a loved one go through the end stages of life is challenging, but those last days, the final farewell... sigh... all that's left to do is hug, cry, and sigh...

and remember the good times...

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

ok then, again... (false alarm)

whatever it means, it has been the title of more than a few entries along the way and here we are one more time taking the deep breath and letting out a satisfied sigh of everything's alright no matter what it is or means or happens... finding that deep breath and relaxing into the bottom line as if it was alay there as explanation comes to bring undertsanding of life, the universe, and everything beyond everything... this one is not one, however, it is only a false alarm...

narf :)

Monday, September 21, 2015

laughing all the way

well, mostly lol... if the the last three entries (or all the other worrisome blahs) do not leave you laughing, well, then you are not me... doh lol... the folly of humans and tragedies of sports often inspire laughter as i relay the drama and folly through my brain to process the emotional impact of the experiences and events i find the seriousness dissolves into a much more sensible (and healthy) perspective as i remember starving children, terrorist religious fanatics, fear-mongering politicians, and even asteroids that could wipe out life on earth at any time and the simply follies and losses no longer seem so worth the drama and i end up laughing at the drama...

it makes sense if you can see (or even imagine) the big picture... hope you can and do someday...

narf :)

Sunday, September 20, 2015

tough sports weekend

well, last week we find out that tom brady has been fooling those of us who thought he was intelligent because he does some tricky things for success on the football field in spite of an ever changing superstar-less team year after year is actually an idiot (he thinks erratic controversial war-hawk petty attention-seeking shock-entertainer meglomaniac donald trump should be the most powerful human on the planet?) and this weekend the local college football team, ucf, collapses in on itself revealing a lack of talent at most positions and losing to a middle of the pack lower division team and then today, the first meeting of the sunday softball team revealed serious rust and nerves and weaknesses everywhere (no practice and not meeting until today was a big part of that) and it tooks some serious pitching and running on this old man's part to pull out a victory in extra innings and finally i check my fantasy football teams and it looks like two loses this week as my superstars (calvin johnson, marshawn lynch, demarius thomas, t.y. hilton, emmanuel sanders, adrian peterson) are not performing and the latest blow, tony romo is out for a few weeks...

i don't even like tony romo...

yeah, i've got leshawn mccoy, justin forsett, deshawn jackson, jason witten, cam netwon, and a bunch of others as well as the buffalo and st.louis defenses and sucking is all they've done so far... and luck is even worse as i lose last week with the second highest point total in the leagues... at least i won one of the games last week because the other teams sucked more and at least we won our sunday game against a tem that is 0-15 since entering the league last year... giving them their first win would have been an unpleasant sensation for sure... the agony of defeat is worse than the agony of poor play, but still, there's plenty of agony of defeat in my fantasy leagues...

and how is your sports world?...

narf :)

not another facebook entry

unfortunately i know way too many people using facebook daily including jackson who, like most young wippersnappers of this technodependant generation, is on several times a day check friends posts or posting something of her own... i mean, i could be doing something sensible like watching jenna coleman's dress flutter in the wind on dr. who, jeez louise (clever, no doubt), she's adorable, but there are so many other libido fantasies to distract us from reality and that is definitely not facebook (not a libido fantasy nor reality)... yes, the hunger is to learn and share is ever so real and vulnerable when the mind is stimulated and the information junkie is easily excited too...

the unfortunate thing is all this facebook communicating everywhere around me and so close to me draws me to the site now and then and once there, i am sucked in by the news of the world and positive pictures and messages and the sense of attention the site provides and before i know it i want more and the only time i've got is sleep time so i miss sleep and feel tired and am less productive and eat too much (cuz being awake longer there's more time to eat and being tired brings on more hunger) and will power wanes so i am more drawn to the information (being an information junkie) and imaginary rewards facebook provides so i spend more time there and sleep even less and miss whole nights and crash and burn and that's not a good thing... so whatcha gonna do about it?... i mean, if you care, you could explore and share and make all this time spent not sleeping and reading and leaving comments more worthwhile...

so here you go, homework, if you like, or simply the links to the mind you are reading as expressed elsewhere... reactions to the news of the world especially seems to come out on the facebook wall... and zillions of likes... gazillions, even... all yours to browse through if you want to know... thanks for clicking and reading if you do :)

link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link linklink linklink link link link link link link link link link linklink link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link

wait, there is more... the following links are the websites that i somehow found myself reading when i found links to them on facebook and decided i would like to read more... yes, the secondary addiction of facebook, especially for the information junkie, is all the hundreds of thousands of links so easily found on the facebook wall... so if you happen to have a few hours (or days), here ya go :)

link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link link


yeah, all that time i could have been sleeping... lol lam laa...

narf :)


if time permits

yes, that is the story of this life for most of us... we will do what we can do to live our dreams, to be good people, to help others, to find what we are really looking for, if time permits... there are so many things we, as humans, ought to be doing in this world... and so many things we should not be doing... and seldom do any of us take the time to figure out which is which seriously enough to get our priorities right... but maybe i will sometimes on weekends... yes, i can give up sleep on weekends and still mostly function during the days... i can make the time to take a good look at the big picture and do the right thing and ask the right questions...

excited yet?... lol...

yes, we might have time to ask the important questions like when is jon stewart actually going to appear on the new late show with stephen colbert and of course we do not mean just as a guest but as a regular character, roving reporter or whatever their imaginations might come up with...

and I might even realize and decalre that the lead singer from dead weather reminds me of candy slice, at least until she stopped singing, brushed her hair back, and smiled a stereotypical glamour model smile... that is to say, she faked wasted music slave pretty darn well...

yeah, something like that...

narf :)

softball tomorrow

the sunday league starts up again tomorrow and last last night (or was it just a few hours ago) i was informed our game is at 1pm tomorrow... we've not had a practice between seasons (and rarely had one last season, in fact, half the season we did not have a whole team show up to games)... only a few of the players from last season will be back this season and we've not had a team practice or meeting or even introductions so i have no clue who the new players are... and tomorrow at 1pm we will play our first game together and i have no clue who will take charge on the field because i don't know anyone well enough to do it... yet, as pitcher, i should... welcome to the new sunday softball season...

the best news is the league is now playing around the corner so i don't have to travel far to play and can be home quick... hopefully the new players will be friendly and we will actually become a team in spite of no proactices or meetings or anything... and hopefully we will win a few games and maybe even surprise ourselves by winning a lot... rebuilding a team with all new players helps the league grow, but it can be a challenging experience when we do it without talking about it and don't do the things we need to do to develop new players...

maybe i'll remember to report on the sunday league every week... you could remind me to by asking about it, i mean, if you want to know... is that a sneaky way of coercing comments?... or begging for attention?... shhhh, i wouldn't do that...

narf :)

brief comment on the home team

two years ago the local university reached a pinnacle of success, finishing 10th in the country and winning the fiesta bowl, one of the top four bowl games in the country also known as bsc bowls at the time... last year the quarterback was selected third overall in the nfl draft and several other players have gone high in the nfl draft in the past few years... the primary concern is this year the potential for recruiting bonanza's based on those successful selling points are non-existent... apparently nobody any good wanted to follow in the footsteps of bcs winners and third overall draft picks... that is a clear sign of terrible recruiting, which is a clear sign of a terrible university football program...

sad narf :}

Saturday, September 19, 2015

losing teams

being that i've been living in orlando for more years than some of you have been alive (and i don't just mean the dirty old man's libido fantasies, so let's not reach for that easy distraction just yet... or the zipper, for that matter) and the fact that i've lived with jackson for more than a quarter of those years (or something like that), long enough for a relationship (or a human) to develop a personality and she is a graduate from the local university, i have chosen to root for and support and live and die (in a sporting sense) with the fate of the school and this year is going to be one of those losing years by all evidence presented so far in th first three games... sadly, we will trudge from parking lot to stadium week after week with hope in our hearts and the knowledge in our heads that the team sucks... well, the offense sucks... the defense isn't bad in some ways, but isn't good in other ways... so wanna take them apart?...

ok, defense... decent, maybe good defensive line, but the offense is so bad they are burnt out by the fourth quarter, sometimes the third, or earlier... linebackers ok, lots to learn... they can play the head-on run pretty well... but they don't have great lateral movement and don't handle surprises too well, at least not yet... the secondary is weak, not much speed and easily distracted by contradictory motions... yeah, and that's the good news... the offense, well, sucks... big, slow, and not so strong offensive line... receivers who do not seem able to catch very well... runners who stutter-step into gaping holes long enough for the holes to close... and a quarterback, well, let's say no quarterback... the starter got hurt in the first week... the two back-ups are freshmen and appear to have minimal accuracy and even less field awareness... predictable to the point where every other pass should be an interception if the defense is good, or even ok...

so tonight our bfs (upper division team, aka division I) lost to a fcs (lower division, aka division I-AA) team... I-AA teams are scheduled by I teams so the I teams know they have a guaranteed easy win... games are often blowouts like 70-0 or more... I-AA schools book I schools for the money... they are willing to take a beating because the money is that good... so losing a game like this is humiliating, even shocking... and a clear sign that our local team sucks...

jackson is also a die-hard cubs fan, so we will be going to games and cheering all season, as painful as that may get... cuz that's loyalty, see?...

narf :)

bloated big time

so i headed to work to grill burgers and franks (hot dogs in some languages) for the staff as this was staff appreciation week culminating in a family barbecue today and i didn't have a burger or a frank (or a hot dog, for that matter) and so i was craving a grilled burger and frank (or hot dog) as jackson and i prepared to go to to the ucf game we talked about food and we decided to stop at five guys, a local burger chain that fries burgers with fried onions like coney island joes and other places used to and i used to love those so we went there and i ordered a burger and a kosher frank (aka hot dog, you may recall) and i forgot the regular burger was a double burger and i forgot that a large fries is enough fries for five of more people and i tried to eat it all and remain stuffed, bloated, and rather full of myself even ten hours later...

hope i poop before the game tomorrow...

narf :)

a week of service

heck, except for a few selfish years when drugs presented a precious alternative to the common perception of the reality we call life and alcohol presented a fine suicidal distraction from the comprehensive perception of we call human life, this has been a life time of service to others and this week was stepped up that service to include the direct support professionals who take care of the people who live at the intermediate care facility that calls me administrator cuz the agency for health care administration wants an icf administrator named and in charge and responsible for everything that happens in the icf... yeah, it's all a government required ego trip for me at work... but what i was referring to in terms of a life of service and more specifically this week of service was what i just mentioned somewhere in the previous run-on sentence, each day for the week we presented another theme for dress and food and party and we managers did all the work...

yeah, more too, maybe later...

busy now :)

the colbert report

somebody ought to create a website called the colbert report that reports on the new late show with stephen colbert... i mean, it already has a classic moment (and i dearly hope cbs does not get greedy and remove the epic moment from the web because that would be disrespecting the moment and un-doing the wonderful tribute it was)... anyway, on the colbert report website there can be an objective section just reporting what happened, listing guests and what what discussed and how guests and stephen and the audience reacted and a subjective review section where the site author or other guests give opinions on how the show went and twitter comments from around the twitter-verse and professional review summaries and comments from website guests and even a members area where fans can interact and so on and so forth and etcetera, even...

if that site ever appears on the web, i'll happily take credit and a piece of the action...

narf :)

Friday, September 18, 2015

tell me what you really think

lol, all the drama, does anyone take any of it seriously? (i mean, what are the right questions, anyway?)... aye?... does anyone take anything seriously?... what if we all consumed some lsd and mountain dew code red and maybe some thc, what would happen?... would you tell me what you really think?... what do you make of life?... what is your understanding of existence?... what does it all mean to you?... it would be nice if we could communicate the deepest meanings in our hearts (or souls, if you consider that the deepest concept of a being)... san you kiss someone who smokes?... how about crooked or rotting teeth?... pimples?... what do you smell like if you don't bathe for a week?... inconcievable?... what's the longest you've gone without bathing?... why?... what was the worst thing you ever did in this life?... why did you do it?... what did it get you?... how do you feel about it now?... really?... if i gave you total power, what would you do?... if you gave me total power, what would you want me to do?... do you want me to believe in you?... why?... does anyone?... why?...

still seriously, maybe more, have you read any of these entries? (see what i did there?)... tell me what you really think...

seriously, tell me...

narf :)

where are the drugs i once was?

that titles started out as where are the drugs i used to know? and that is more accurate but the alteration seemed more amusing and perhaps more to the point as the person i was had been enhanced and rediscovered through chemical therapy or as it was called back then, experimenting... yes, i was a secret scientist... if that me was here today he'd be asking questions like is emily blunt?... was ricky held?... i mean, can tom cruise?... does william hurt?... is martin short?... does chris rock?... can tuesday weld?... does russell crowe?... will courtney still love me tomorrow and just who does chevy chase?... of course the next think i say after all that talking is is pass the joint (or why does humphrey bogart that joint?... but we know the answer is i am distracted by these profound questions and forget to reach out for it... yes, these and many other questions rock the universe of the mind on drugs (not the frying pan)... so the next question may be if the state you are in legalizes marijuana can your employer still fire you for smoking it because the federal government did not legalize it yet?... i never did understand why women wear four inch heels...

i'd like to experiment with the newest mind expanding substances now...

narf :)

brains are useful

but only if they are used... the brain's greatest enemy is fear and there is so much fear in most brains that it is any wonder that any brain cells actually function... most that do function are not used by most people... these are the facts of life whether we want to believe them or not... whether we accept them or not, truths are truths... each of us live billions of moments and rarely does anyone remember (or learn from) more than a few... most males focus on sex and power... a lot of females do too... the drive to procreate and the physical hunger to satiate senses, at least superficially, dominates human actions and the deeper understandings of existence, life, and everything is lost in the superficial... fear and limited thinking creates such an egocentric perspective that foolishness is the best humans can achieve most of the time... we are the chosen... we are the only intelligent life in the universe... only human lives matter (and not all humans at that)... humans are created in the image of an all-powerful god... so is that god as egocentric as the human mind or is the human mind so egocentric that it create god to provide practically indesputible justification for anything humans do?... the impossible paradox...

the ignorance, the blasphemy, the truth?...

the narf :)

Thursday, September 17, 2015

pichika

or maybe it is pikachi... not to be confused with pikachu, a totally different concept... this entry may not explain or even hint at what pikachi (or pichika) might mean, but it is in there, somewhere, for you to find... think a harry chapin song, a spiritual entity, and the universe, though not necessarily in that order... of course you knew harry chapin would be involved in the essence of all knowledge and understanding (and if you didn't, you surely have not been paying attention)... there is a reason you have not found what you are looking for if you have not found what you are looking for and that is likely because you have not actually defined what you are looking for with sufficient acuity to know precisely what it is you are looking for... what is in your perfect circle?...

reason your rhyme if you want your song to have meaning...

narf :)

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

anyone can be sexy

as long as someone thinks they are... it's all about the eye of the beholder, a personal view, and anyone can be sexy to someone... for most males of the species, any female can be sexy by simply removing clothing... most males have such simple libidos that they disregard most sensual input when nudity appears... it's likely a conditioning of the species that includes being conditioned to clothing... pathetic waste of sensual data and sensory acuity... people are like that, especially the males... so what is beauty to you?... everything is beautiful, in it's own way, but the specific concept and sensory appearance (and i mean much more than visual appearance) of beauty that satisfies you most, can you define it?... would you know it if you saw it?... most people do not, which is why most relationships fail... did you know that?...

maybe we are all just looking for distraction from loneliness...

or something like that...

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

maru kobayashi

but it is made of wood?... a ship made of a small forest, no doubt, but a small forest could make quite a big ship, no doubt, so would that be an ark of sorts, or so it could be used or perceived... when the only way to win is to change the rules, kobayashi maru to you too... do you have the courage to do what must be done to change the world?... do you have the will to find the courage?... if everybody was doing it, it wouldn't take courage, no doubt... have you ever fucked your brains out?... have you ever been offended?... have you ever misplaced your chi?... your ka?... your kaka?... have you ever found it?... do you know yourself?... are you lost?... have i asked too many questions?... if yes, which was the one thay made it too many?... if no, why not?... do you have any interest in politics?... religion?... sex?... drugs?... rock and roll?... jazz?... poetry?... what are you into?... out of?... around?... have you ever felt upside down?... have you ever been felt up?... what was it like?... how much do you understand?... how much do you want to?... what was the point, anyway?...

who won? :)

Monday, September 14, 2015

genius is understanding

everything is out there, pices of the puzzle of understanding everything, it is up to each mind to put them together, to imagine the bigger picture that is everything and what makes that challenging, or at least ironic, is that each mind can put each piece in a different place and imagine they fit, therein seeing a different picture of everything... and what does that mean (do you dare?)...

i don't mind it if you laugh as long as you know what you are laughing at... or about... but laughing out of sheer discomfort is boring, so do it somewhere else... yes, real, what else is new?...

narf :)

Sunday, September 13, 2015

the real?

half of the entries here may not be as real as the other half since i sometimes simple come here to babble but if you only knew that babble is the way to cut through the business of life's distractions and such and what and find the true meaning within the essence of being that only one can truly know and a time traveler can do whatever if he or she can accept the aloneness that is existence and then there is only the power of will to create the illusion we are... you are so beautiful if you want to be, or if i want you to be, whichever comes first... don't let it get you down, castle burners, you will find your morning star when you want to... bring it, and it will be... until then, just follow along and do what you do, but do try to enjoy it... unless you don't want to and if you don't want to, keep your distance... it's safer and more comfortable that way...

it's not all about sex, after all, even if you think it is...

narf :)

mindfulness

so much in the mind to find the tv plays games with the senses as boys imagine vaginas and breasts and girls imagine penises and love, pity the female has two different sexual centers or the male might imagine love too... perhaps some do... if you were female, would you truly be able to know how a make thinks?... or perceives the world or you, for that matter?... turn the tables and ask the other, can your sister be your brother?... the tricks of genetics may be beyond our grasp today, perhaps, tomorrow... we all want to be understood... care for... accepted... secure... successful... comfortable... happy... unless you decide you don't want to and in that case, you are not... human?... the species with the chip on its shoulder... ego, ergo, epoch, or something like that...

not everybody wants to be important...

narf :)

probisculousome, oslt

yes, that might be the the one you were looking for, or something like that (get it?) if the pickle juice doesn't get you, the olive paste might... guacamole does not stick to the ribs nor does it make a good lubricant, however it can be quite slippery when wet... don't be distracted by the man behind the curtain, he is only looking for the closet... we are all lost, it's just that some of us don't know it... so some are the sound that a tree makes when it falls in the forest and some never hear it... can you be the tree?... there is nothing you cannot imagine, unless you imagine that you cannot imagine something, in which case you will not be able to imagine that, whatever that is... oslt, get it?...

there is so much to know, we can only hope you choose to before it too late...

narf :)

Saturday, September 12, 2015

as if we were always there

that's right, if you blinked today you missed about two dozen entries that were uploaded since and before what was the last entry for at least most of this week, but you only know that if you checked this blog daily this week or if you are reading this particular entry... for your convenience, links to many of the new entries will pop up in this entry cuz i know some of you want to read everything cuz, well, you have your reasons... and you have computer access at the asylum, no doubt... yup, we've got jokes, that's right... and history might still be laughing...

so summarizing the events of the past few hours or so, for posterity and anyone who cares, this entry sat on the now (the now, in blog terms, is first entry found when coming to the blog which is the last entry uploaded and left out front) and while it was out there, i visited facebook and remembered stuff like being sort of inspired by a birthday and wondering if quality exists amidst the quantity of entries (or anything... just stop me when you get here, m'ok) cuz in the physical space sharing with someone physically present usually (or at least often) leaves the dream on the shelf so we can share life (or even more focused links like in this entry maybe... you know how i love to play with time, after all and i am still nocturnal... somewhere along the way i added more some stuff about me and most of the entries were written on the weekend (with snacks, of course) as you saw this blog pausing... i checked out the new stephen colbert show and like it, though i gave up sleep zzzzzzzz all week...

as if we needed reminding, i recalled how much i love my cookies and and via the way back machine, i found old journals which was bittersweet reading but still exciting as some long sleeping synapses danced in the brain again... which brings us to tonight, if you've been following (and clicking) along... you have been following along, right?... do we have to start all over?... maybe you are still sleeping and missed the point of it all... you can still laugh, even if you don't understand, cuz what's most important in this life is that you enjoy yourself (without judging or trying to control others and if you do a little good, all the better)... then, learn as you wish...

narf :)

another saturday night (without a song)

went bowling and just got home... bowled really bad... averaged just above 100... yeah, really bad... excuses include crappy house balls that didn't fit, arm muscles set for softball pitching definitely were not ready for bowling, eh shoes, slippery lanes, at least 10 years since the last time i touched a bowling ball, no practice and at least five minutes between each roll (so no rhythm) cuz we were socializing... i might not ever get my average back up to 177 (highest league average) where it used to be when i bowled in leagues regularly in the 80s but i could definitely bowl better with practice and muscle workouts and a ball that fit my hand and shoes that fit my feet... not that i really want to... the arm gets more workout than an old arm ought to with pitching 5-10 games a week, especially with my variety of spinning pitches, so the extra wear and tear of bowling will shorten the softball pitching life... and besides, bowling is expensive... over $5 a game and over $5 for shoes... if i bowl again i will want my wrist brace and maybe an elbow brace... those are the joints that feel the strain... i used to enjoy it...

and then we went to the chinese buffet (wild bean) near helena's house... just four of the crowd helena usually gathers for dinners and fun were able to make it (helena me and two others)... we had fun... would have wanted more lanes if there were more people... i'm not a fan of four people to a lane, especially when i need more frequent repetitions to get any sort of rhythm back... food was not up to par, especially not for a saturday night... the coy pond was not clean which is not a good sign... chinese buffets go through cycles... between inspection periods they can get quite filthy... we try not to think about that...

now it's college football... mostly oregon vs michigan state though i check out the other dozen or so games on other channels during commercials... later, dessert... hope you are enjoying your saturday night too...

narf :)

old journals

i found the earliest entry found so far of the old online journal on the way back machine and who knows, there may even be more... that was 1999... maybe the 'next' links will work, even... that old journal was a daily escape until 2003... i was sometimes into deep babbling back then... sheesh, if you think i am whiney or depressed or negative now you would really be misreading me back them with all the torturous disappointments and traumatic cruelties and monstrous mistreatments and alabaster alliteration and such and such going on back then... yeah, the good old days when i still believed the one really existed and was not quite so cynical, aye?... what?... you think you know me?... are we laughing yet?...

ah, well... you really don't get me if you are not laughing... and if you are concerned about my emotional or psychological condition, well, thanks for caring, but you need to step back and take another look at the words cuz there is so much laughter (not the maniacal kind... usually lol lam) and peaceful smiling and secure happiness (and happy happy joy joy too) and strength of will that carries me through anything (but i so like playing helpless someone save my life tonight sometimes cuz i want to find someone stronger than me, but that's telling so shhhhh and ignore the giggles, m'ok?) and somewhere inside the dream of sharing everything with the one still lives even if i ignore it masterfully most of the time, but that's ok, everybody reads words through their own filters and understanding comes from individual personal experience like the talmud said (so to speak), We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are (even though many attribute the phrase to Anais Nin and others {maybe he knows}, for what it's worth) and whatever were we thinking thinking when we thought we might ever be able to share the exact same view, aye?...

oh those wonderful romantic dreams (and distractions), cha cha cha lol lam laa...

narf :)

again

i have no idea why the entries in this entry were so immortalized, but there they are, for whatever reason, for what they are worth and now you know, for what it's worth... i am laughing at myself and my false hubris and laughing even more at the word humis because i almost spelled the word hubris with an m instead of b and that would turn my hubris into humris... kind of appropriate, if you know me lol lam la la la...

the fun of rhyming may be back again once upon a time rhymes were my friend they would make me laugh and cry and then they would knock me down and pick me up again, yes rhymes would knock me down and then, rhymes would pick me up again... no really, seriously, i used to just let myself out in rhymes so easily, so simply, so completely totally honestly... if we ever find those words...

if you only had half as much fun as me, you'd be amazed at how much fun life can be...

narf :)

another

i'll leave it there, another day
you'll find it there, where it will stay
no matter what may come today
or tomorrow, joy or sorrow
aye?

and now, this can be found
and then this without a sound
after that this came back around
finally, this and homeward bound
once again, this can be found

giggle me another entry blog addicted soul
google me another entry blog out of control
can an entry or a blog really have a soul?
what is a soul, oh mighty blog, and what is it's role?
and is it possible there is no soul?
google me an answer entry blog amazing tool
giggle me another entry blog addicted fool
can an entry of a blog really know it all?
what is it all, oh might blog, and who knows it all?

no matter what the answer may be
this says remembering me
no matter what other dreams may come
this dream remains number one
no matter what the soul or answer ever was
this and this are cause to pause
no matter what anything means
this remains the heart of dreams

or something like that...

lol lam laa...

narf! :)

cookies

not that i am a big fan of chips ahoy cookies cuz they taste too processed for me, but they came up with a very personally favorable idea for me and that is creme filled soft chocolate chip cookies and the creme is oreo creme so my favorite part of the oreo is combined with my favorite type of cookie (the chocolate chip) to create a great taste for my buds... yup, i am fattening up this weekend... maybe i'll start the slim down process again next week... going bowling later... i used to like bowling but with as much softball pitching i do, i have not bowled in years and i am not all that enthused about it... especially since i will use a house ball and the fit will not be good... tossing 16 pounds with my pitching arm is not the wisest move with softball season kicking off again this week... i've got six games to play next week (and would have several more but i will have to skip the softball tournament scheduled for next saturday because i have work plans for that day... unfortunately that tournament was rescheduled many times and they picked a weekend i can't make it)... we shall see how the arm feels after tossing a bowling ball a few times... and hopefully it won't affect the pitching monday...

once again i am sitting here waiting for windows update and kaspersky update to update and of course kaspersky wants to do a root scan at the same time... so the browser will not open... and after half an hour or more, windows update wants to restart the computer but kaspersky rootscan is still running... really ridiculous this stuff does not happen in the background in the middle of the night...

back to the cookies...

narf :)

sleepiness comes

I've got to put the snacks away before they spoil... or before i explode... and life goes on within me or without me... seriously, fear kills and when it does not kill, it protects ignorance and holds back learning and advancements in life development... timothy leary is only dead if you forget the point of his story... free your mind and your body will follow... not that that was the point to his story, but it was the next thought in my mind after the previous reference to timothy leary... are you on the outside looking in or on the inside looking out?... how do you know, really?... and what do you make of this, why dontcha...

after geeking out a bit (and further suppositioning that i simply must have a dumbing-down gene because i can still enjoy the film even though the science is so wrong), i realized for relatively no apparent reason, or than maybe the fact that i am wonked-out on sugar and all the chemicals in chocolate, that sour pickles have so much sodium, after all...

narf :)

stephen to stephen

stephen colbert kicked off his version of the late show and it was a smash... even i enjoyed it and i rarely enjoy tv except when i do... and the first show, well, was a tone-setter... seems we are going to see an injection of reality into politics mixed with irreverence and entertainment... and then can the first friday night show and stephen king darkened the stage with more humor than expected followed by paul simon who was introduced as a paul simon cover band, troubled waters and they granted one of colbert's wishes, to whistle the whistling part of me and julio down by the school yard... and he called him al lol... a bit of brilliant musical trivia come to life... yes, these are the kind of things that amuse this geek... and i would so like to be stephen king's friend... i'd be amused even if it wasn't the night continuum came back...

so maybe it is because stephen colbert channels a bit of the best of craig ferguson, but i am enjoying him as the new late night host (enough to write a second entry about him in his first four days on the air, aye?) and you are welcome to join me on this journey (dvr'ed of course)...

narf :)

Friday, September 11, 2015

ok, well, some nights are like that




and some nights are like this... yes, the sugar is strong tonight... there was a good game where i was smoking, gave up just three runs (someone pitched the sixth inning and gave up two runs), shutting a great hitting team down after the first inning... i walked three times (the equivolent of three doubles because it is co-ed 5-5 league with a boy-girl alternating lineup)... their pitcher sucked, which helped a lot because our hitting sucked... but they couldn't hit me so we won... a couple of their guys were pissy ego-trippers and while it was 3-3 they were really bad sports but when we took an 8-3 lead they lost their smirks, subdued their arrogance, and stopped the snide remarks... male egos are such fragile balloons, it's a wonder of stupidity that they incite so much violence... adrenaline junkies living on the edge, but that's much of humanity as it is today and why wars are often glorified and kindness is often laughed at...

after the game, jackson and her girl and i went to tijuana flats for dinner (megajuana chimmichanga, no marijuana, i mean, it's florida, after all)... and then i stopped at publix (supermarket) for a few light snacks... you might have noticed them when you first got here to this entry... the room ought to be spinning any minute now...

narf :)

another night, at least

yes, we were mentioning something about time (or at least the timing of entry uploads) and how time passes whether we want it to or not (even when it is deliberately ignored, in fact, especially when it is deliberately ignored (i think that is when it flies... do you see the image of an alarm clock sailing out of a window when you hear time flies or is it just me?)... anyway, at least another night passed (and a minute passed followed quickly by another minute and just as we were embracing the moment of that minute another minute passed)... where were we?... somewhere between last week and this week, i imagine... can i get some nzt?...

this guy is amusing at first glance... here's an example as he describes his experience with an advanced nootropic (it's a drug classification... caffeine is the gateway drug... yeah, the future is now)...

I took my first dosage of 200 mg in the morning, around 8 am. I didn’t feel smarter, but I soon felt a sort of focus that is hard to describe. I did not get any work done but I become obsessed with finding watches on Ebay. Later that evening I went to the gym to have my workout. The workout that evening was one of the most intense, most focused gym experiences I have ever had. The weight was flying up, the rest periods were nil. The focus was absolutely insane, I may as well have been the only person in the gym, or whole world. It wasn’t a workout, it was a mission.

looking beyond that paragraph we see he is trying to sell us something... not so much the drug, perhaps his book, or perhaps he is simply a blogger with a mission to babble on about things (why would anybody want to do something like that?)... so obviously we have the opportunity to explore mind-expanding drugs again... i know, that was tried in the sixties... maybe it's time to bring it all back... except for the war... and the riots... and the racism... and the stupidity of conformity that inspired the rebellious spirit... but keep the rebellious spirit... and the drugs, yes, let's bring back the drugs...

last night passed by so quickly, it may have gone unnoticed... no worries, something will show up there as if it always was...

narf :)

narf?

perhaps you've noticed that i conclude a fair share of the entries in this blog with a singular word and if you did (notice) then perhaps you wonder just what i mean with this word (wow, noticing and wondering, you are on your way to becoming a genius) but first you might notice how i taunt with insults (like the french monty python?) as a distraction as i lay a few breadcrumbs outside of my head that may or may not lead back into my head (only the few who have been there know and they've never been heard from again... brainwashing, perhaps... or waxing, even... synapse on, synapse off, just the binary language confusing the heck out of most humans since the dawn of thought)... are we having fun yet?...

it is really very simple, even pinky understands... or at least gets it... you could too, cuz anything is possible in cartoons...

narf :)

analysis

no need to expense massive quantities of energy on analyzing the recent entry (unless you've got the time and really want to and in that case, do let me know what you discover) cuz i can tell you more about me than you'll ever want to know (unless you're crazy in love with me like i am and then you'll have your head examined, screws tightened, and sent on your merry way if you're lucky) if you only ask and provide the correct sequence of this and that to the computer (we're all part digital, you know?... it's a binary biology in the brain... wax on, wax off, simple as can be... that's all you get for the moment on the subject) but remember to keep in your own space unless you are welcomed in by libbo cuz only those meeting the ever so excrutiatingly pain-stakingly critically calculatingly cleverly creatively cautiously complicated libido criteria may linger in the intimate spaces... in other words, get your own room (unless i let you know i want you in mine)...

i really should be sleeping, really i should... be...

narf :)

Thursday, September 10, 2015

for attention

of course i put these words out here for attention... even if it post-humous attention, like vincent, the words are out here hoping to be noticed... people probably have to have a lot of free time on their hands, aye?... yeah, well, you may say that i'm a dreamer... not the only one if you're out there... and i know you're out there somewhere catching all of the song references and nuances and doo doo dah dahs... yup, we've got this thing going on...

and i miss you when you're gone...

narf :)

sleepless fool

and running (as in driving fast) from work home to walk and feed the dog and then rush dressing and running (driving fast again) to the field to play a softball game (we won 20-0) and then instead of doing the wise thing, which would have been go home and sleep and wake early tomorrow to get some work done to fit into my new boss's schedule that interferes with mine way too much i stayed awake babbling and rhyming and watching tv (the colbert first show and the season finale of extant and here we are either lucky to get three hours sleep and still get in as early as intended or i sleep an extra couple of hours and let submit paperwork without my boss's review and see what happens... i did that the past few months and corporate didn't say anything... it is sad when executive management must ake work for their senior management in order to justify their jobs... corporate america, even in a very idealistic non-profit... i eliminated 40% of my manager positions in my first year and instead of rewarding me with a bonus, corporate took that money and made more layers of upper management positions and when i wasn't looking (after i submitted my budget and without telling me) cut my budget for staff and clients...

that may be why i am a sleepless fool now, but that is not why i stayed awake this long to become a sleepless fool... nope, that was the tv... and i am still hungry... the belly full but me hungry... all the doo dah night...

narf :)

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

the real stephen colbert

absolutely... how many complaints about his rendition of the star spangled banner will come about way too late to matter... not really... i mean i don't really wonder that, whatever that was... apparently, he was a big hit in tv land and i must say (snl reference), he probably deserves it because it is darn funny and i don't just mean funny looking... we can only hope (if you are in some sort of agreement) that he continues to bring his somewhat unique brand of humor and honesty to the tube and does not get desperate the way most late night tv show hosts have in the past... i may even dvr him like i did his first show (and yes, i am glad i did) cuz he could be epic (or something like that)...

certainly there are hundreds of reactions or reviews all over the web and i have not found any negative (feel free to send me one you find if you are into that sort of thing... i mean, i looked for one and didn't find it, so there's nothing wrong with you if you look for one too)... i have no idea why this came up...

good band too...

narf :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

endless shrimp

trying to maintain a healthy svelt waistline in this culture requires quite the inner strength... i mean, if all the mental energy i put into maintaining will power could just start burning calories, i could eat a horse and not gain a pound... not that i would eat a horse... i mean, at least not while there are other foods around to eat... i would have said not while there are other animal around to slaughter and devour, but i didn't want to taunt the vegetarians or mock the carnivores and more than i already did (you can decide what i did as you wish)... i am hungry... i blame red lobster and their advertising campaign, especially their photographers... really though, where was crave cereal when i was a kid... i mean, count chocula or cocoa puffs were as close as we could get to that... candy for breakfast makes so much sense... chocolate, the perfect food... or was that the banana?... honey?... bee pollen?... milla deserves an award for the fifth element... and i don't mean for best costume, but sweetness is... i mean, 200,000 memo groups, really... of course it's illusion in this world now, but if you only knew... the amazing facial expressions as she learns about humanity's dark side... almost better than endless shrimp (would be if she was here, yeah yeah yeah)...

so much more to be than anyone can ever see... so much more to know than anyone can ever show... and endless shrimp too...

narf :)

nurturer, giver, sigher

that's me (among other things)... poor jackson is sick and still has to work her two jobs (though she's either working a lot less or she's spending or saving more cuz, well, let's not start thinking about money again tonight... still waiting for that talk... and shopping... and so many important promises to be kept... out, dang parentheses) thank you... i've been taking care of happiness so she doesn't have to... part of her allowing the bugs in (yes, i believe we let bugs in sometimes) is the fact that poor happiness is dying, as in may not last the year and maybe not even the month and she doesn't want to have to see it and part of it is the email i sent asking for a pow wow (you may find yourself {whenever the days go by} reading it, even, cuz you know it's out there somewhere {like most wildest dreams} and if you've been paying attention you know where and what and much more)... i miss peace pipes... or perhaps it's the drugs i miss as i was never much of a fan of smoking or drinking poisons or the usual most humans do for recreation and sport (and escape, let's not forget escape... distraction too)...

the chair smells of urine... gonna spray it with fabreeze tonight and hope it helps... we did have some pet smell remover i bought but i am not sure where that went... with all the accidents poor happiness has had this year, the carpet is trash... curious may be marking her territory, like the arms of chairs, that she sits on... do i have to start peeing on things too? (oh stop laughing, it really smells bad lol)... and why in the world am i not sleeping, we wonder... really?... we wonder?...

who let the bugs out? (woof?)...

narf :)

tomorrow

i wrote this entry yesterday, do dah, do dah... no really, i wrote this entry yesterday along with many others (so they are like sisters and brothers, right?) and i did not upload them yesterday (i wonder if i will tomorrow when tomorrow becomes today and this entry was written yesterday) all because this entry was left in the moment (that now that lingers at the entry point of a blog) for some reason or other (somewhere in my head)... not this one or (or is that nor) this one or even (or nor oddly) this one but indisputedly undoubtedly this one as mentioned here so there...

and if this entry and it's siblings remain unuploaded (such a word) tomorrow then this entry remains the day after tomorrow all because an entry two days ago wanted the spotlight (so is it worth it?... i mean, was it good for you?)... i wonder what happened today...

narf :)

Monday, September 7, 2015

sleepless in orlando

lol, somewhere in the nineties i wrote something with that title inspired muchly by sleepless in seattle because i am a ridiculously hoplessly hopeful romantic at heart and meg ryan is just too cute (she has her own garden after all, as so many other fantasies have {remember stevie, from long before the internet, there are hundreds of pages in her book} and tom and meg do that innocent awkward amazing love at first site so awfully well and that was the most magical love i ever knew way back when, that first sight (site? lol) feeling, and i would love to find it again but that's sort of another story)... i didn't find it, but until i do, here is the point of it all...

yeah, so i whine and complain and detail the drama or life (of? lol) and maybe you think i am in need of comfort or reassurance or something (oh?) but while comfort and reassurance is wonderful (won't see me turning it away, sometimes lam) i am mostly lam (laughing at myself) between the lines as i record the experience i know as life... the annoyances, frustrations, and any other worrisome events pour into words and resolve into peaceful acceptance as i figure out what i want (wonder if i still do now lol lam) and then i do it... love that freedom amidst the compromises of life...

if you only knew the peace and pleasure that comes for me after letting everything flow into words, you'd understand... something like this (so simple old friend)... and if you find joy in the sadness, you just may know the secret to a happy life...

it's a wonderful life, full of fun and emo and narf :)

Catch up (and know more)

musical distractions

If people had visible signs or meters that told something about them, what would you want it to tell you?

dumb poll (above), smart responders

all the previous poll votes were somehow erased, so, nevermind... ironically or coincidentally or whatever, the results were very close in practical numbers to the results above shown with just three votes, if you understand the mathematics behind that extrapolative reasoning... i will probably remove the poll at some point... it is a ridiculously useless feature...

SEARCH ME

the thing is, with my tendency to babble and meander and whine and allow distraction to take the lead more often than not, even in this blog that sort of meant to merge brevity with focus like some bloggers do, searching for key words does not always lead to specific information about the subject of that key word... but... here is a start at an easy way to search for key words in this blog... use the search box at the top of the blog to search for words not listed here... if ya wanna, that is... and feel free to suggest words to add to this search shortcut section... click on the words below :)

WORK ... JOB ... MUSIC ... LOVE ... SOFTBALL ... KA ... 42 ... LOL ... LAM ... LAA ... ... ...
...