how quickly we fade

or age, as it is life that is fading... life, stamina, strength, resiliency, and will, at least, fade faster with each passing day... when i was in my teens i would write of how i read of people twice that age feeling like they were running uphill even on a flat surface and people three times that age accepting the inevitable sedentary life of middle age and beyond... i wondered why they did that and whether i would when i got there... and each year i wonder more why i am trudging uphill and laughing at the memories of relatively insatiable and endless energy youth... it's like gravity is getting stronger... perhaps it's the mayan calendar thing... oh sure, make jokes (but that's my way, the mttm, remember?... got to give myself the time to process and heal and then i will suddenly soar again... shhhh, am i telling secrets?)...

and the staring dog who just went out two hours ago, or less, is staring me down as if he's never been outside in his life... how quickly we lose the focus of regaining the concentration that creates the will to continue up the hill...

i just can't give myself (especially the physical, which is too easily injuried by distraction when attemting to push it past limits and i desperatly need to push past current limits because current limits are pathetic - yeah, pathetic, dangit) a few hours of undivided attention here... wah wah wah, i did mention i am pathetic, right?... but seriously consuela, i must do this survive... no, you take me out now...

he's like the maid on family guy, sheesh :}

in the middle of life

the roller coaster of life is spectacular when we allow the highs to take off without limits but the flip side of letting go allows the lows to come crashing down beyong the emotional pain thresholds most humans want to deal with, so most people hold back and learn how to appear to control their emotions through physical, emotional, and chemical distraction and therein pretend they are in control... but it's all a lie...

for the few who let the roller coaster roll where it will go, the survival rate is not so great... many hit lows and skip way off the tracks and end up dead... and then there's me... i just feel it all at once all the time and in the midst of bliss can feel the tears... awareness is a bitch, ya know?...

giving stuff, buying stuff for people into stuff is a rush, a thrill, an addiction... it gives me a sense of worth and a rush of joy... the only rub is when the gifts given are not appreciated openly because guilt or something keeps someone from being honest about how much they appreciate it, or something like that... but i love to give so i buy and give even when it's not so wise (like when i am not working)...

so i don't want to think about how much money i spent even as i enjoyed spending it and i know must set some more limits, even during this gift-giving season (but i don't and never have and why start now?... cuz work gets harder to find as the years pass and the rent still needs to be paid and i gave away all my retirement savings and nobody is going to take care of me when i get feeble... why am i answering the question, anyway?... cuz i look at life from both sides now and all the time, remember?)...

yeah, logic, sensibleness, responsibility, and the reality of life, aging, and living a long time... where's the fun in that? (snark)...

ah, perhaps i will find more will power tomorrow...

aging graciously

not quite gracefully as i stumble a lot because i have broken my stride many times in this life and let the excess fat form and let the muscles lose form and even filled out the wrong form (figuratively) but somewhere inside remains the right formula for forming the format of formidible human form (must have done something right in my formative years) so i might put off the formaldehyde a few more years...

so at just after midnight i sit here cooling down after returning from the gym, another run to nowhere that may or may not extend this life experience, but definitely provides more energy and positivity... the body thoughts blog should provide more detail, but i am hopefully at the start of yet another climb back into the best shape this body can be in at this point in the physical life span...

may you be enjoying (and optimizing) your journey through this life as well :)

home again (diggidy?)

whatever it means, i found the aches from this morning fade away after eating lunch, which was a big pile of raw spinach, a few ounces of black beans and a few ounces of chick peas and four cherry tomatoes and five or six broccoli tops and later in the afternoon, some ice tea (with splenda)... crazy, but the protein drink i found (50 calories, 10 gm protein, 16 ounces) must have rebuilt the muscles that were aching like crazy this morning (omigosh, it's a miracle, i am still getting younger... no wonder i keep giggling)...

i got home from softball about three hours ago (we won, finally, 11-9... i struck out at least six... struck out the side one inning... they still hit well when they were not striking out... we hit well in the first inning scoring 6 (i made the last out with a runner on third, sucks to be me that inning... i drove in the last two runs though with a bases loaded two out single to right, so i made up for the first inning fart... and anyway, i find (getting home) a notice that the fire marshall is due for an inspection on wednesday, so i decided to do two loads of laundry while cleaning and rearranging boxes (sort of unpacking a little_ and wow, there's a lot more room in this place now... a few more hours after the movie tomorrow (yeah, tomorrow night it's a movie with friends) and the place might even look more like an apartment than a storage garage... amazing, huh?... who knows what might come next :)

i should probably sleep now... though craig fergie is on... what is most amazing is i didn't talk myself into eating something... not even a 120 calorie vegetable soup that called out my name when i put yesterday's shopping away... i still didn't have time to shop more today, which might suck because publix (supermarket) had a seriously decent sale on veggies yesterday,.. i'm so not frugal these days... just one more thing somebody can save me from myself about, cha know... i've become so human, aye?...

and yet, i still want you to know (even if i am not exactly sure why all the time)... hope you are enjoying your night :)

brains cells frying

the body is demanding sleep and shutting down major portions of the brain... this is an experience i have not felt quite this way before in this life and i've been much more fatigued than i am at the moment... blurry is the world right now...

still, i want you to know...

so from 7:40am when i woke through through just after noon i was at the competitive team softball practice and then i shopped for food and lunch and then at 1pm i headed to the other practice and pushed on through past 5pm when i rushed home, showered, redressed, and went to the game night for the academy awards and here i am, home again home again, and all that jazz... and now i will forgo the muses calling out for more writing time and placate the lonelies and hungers with the promise of the wonderful feeling of actually getting more sleep (probably not time to get enough tonight, alas)...

i'm just summarizing in case you wanted to know... take care and keep in touch :)

softball sunday 2-22

yeah, right (no really, yeah, right)... once upon a time i'd have stayed up all night and wrote my hopes and dreams and the creative muses would have flourished in synaptic bliss brought on by hormonal surges and emo roller coaster, but the muscles demand more sleep so i nodded off and now, repeating... eliminate the excess sugar, fat, and other carb calories... realign the routine with optimal healthy feelings... realign the spine with the forces of nature and the spirit/hope of sentient sensuosity...

a fair workout at the gym last night and now... wake, shower, run out to softball... and enjoy the active day out in the sunshine... may you make your day all it can be :)

because every moment holds meaning

why do it... why push the body to its limits and beyond instead of just enjoying the pleasures of life... because the body can experience pleasures more when it is in optimal alignment and condition and we do not have to settle for less... and why come to the web to write, to record the simple and complex details of day to day life... because every moment holds meaning and when alone, this is the only hope this moment ever has of being shared...

and a shared moment is an optimized experience, just as an optimized body can experience the shared moment all the more... so i do... and the gym body tells me how far back i've slid once again... age and gravity... and the moment is fixed at this crossroad... the past brings memories of unconditional love and trust and devotion, a treasure, perhaps life's greatest treasure, even in a memory... and tomorrow brings more challenge for the body, so sleep must come soon for optimal recovery and preparation... and tonight brought inspiration and the promise of hope, a treasure, and perhaps the only way to life's greatest treasure of all, for without hope, there is no unconditional love, trust, or devotion...

eliminate the excess sugar, fat, and other carb calories... realign the routine with optimal healthy feelings... realign the spine with the forces of nature and the spirit/hope of sentient sensuosity... and sleep...

and so it's another new year

and what have we done?... sheesh, another year wandering alone... much more social life, much more human interaction than the previous few years... more even than any year in the past ten years... yet still, wandering alone... coming home alone... sleeping alone... being alone... another year alone...

and another year wondering if humans even actually communicate on a daily basis... it was said tonight that even john and yoko, two who expressed an idyllic desire to be with each other, spent much of their days apart in the last five years of john's life... and most couple are apart most of each weekday and how many hours a week do even the most devoted loving couples actually spend together...

and another year of writing words on the web, wondering if i am here to communicate daily or just to record my being alive daily cuz there is no other consistent proof that i ever existed on a moment to moment basis (cuz i remain alone)... at least the babbler, offering the cushion and escape clauses and distance of silliness and irreverence continues to feel the correspondence interaction...

here in the daily life, in thereal, the solitude continues and truly, i wonder if words can bridge the distance on a continuous, daily basis... surely two cannot share moment to moment through words when far apart, unless two were constantly connected by an intercom, a push to talk or endless phone connection... and would that not be just a temporary fix replacement for the physical moment to moment connection that is truly wanted (why else maintain such an electronic connection?)...

ah, here in thereal, long into the first night of the new year, in lonely reverence these things i do ponder... alone, because that is thereal... and after a fun night out, i wonder if the preoccupation with age and the separations and walls it creates is as evident as it seems to me or if i am projecting it myself as once more excuse for not getting closer because the body is bloated and uncomfortable... but such pondering, as real as it is, is for the babbler to take on... and not ready for sleep just yet, so the babbler and rhymer shall be given the fingers now, for there is not much to add to thereal except it was an enjoyable party, half couples and half singles and fun and games and good conversation and we all went home as we came...

and here i am... hope your new year was fun too :)

the gym

yes, i made it back down there, finally, after months away (i did get down there in september a handful of times and maybe october cuz i was using it for internet too and checked out the machines)... i've been utterly ridiculous in my lack of serious exercise (softball 4-5x a week is still not serious exercise, there, i said it)... and i called the nice person who kinda dared me to get back to running, though she was out or busy... thanks anyway :)

40 minutes on the elliptical, just over 3 miles, the first mile in 11 minutes at level 5 and the rest fluctuating between level 10 and 2, so the deterioration is obvious... and now, i am feeling the sugar and caffeine withdrawals and that is not a great feeling, but it's about time i simply stopped for a while cuz it's been a while since i simply stopped... long enough for this withdrawal to be a pain... and my impatience used to simply raise the stakes (as in increasing the intensity of the exercise which would accelerate the process and temporarily increase the pain, but will that be a health risk now (age plays a factor, or so all the books say)...

there's that feeling alone and what if i pass out or have a heart attack or stroke and die or become a vegetable just cuz nobody was around in the first few minutes cuz i am all alone in the world woe-is-me and so on song playing again)...

time to go to the gym again?...

hope i return :)