happy xmas to all

did you know the original xmas poem 'twas the night before xmas closed with happy and not merry?... true... how about a xmas tree?... have one up in your house?... xmas was originally illegal in America and has been a holiday in the USA only since 1870 (not until 1907 in Oklahoma)... christian's would like us to be ignorant to this i suppose... but the 25th of december was not a christian holiday most of the years it was celebrated throughout history... and from my perspective, christians are welcome to celebrate december 25th, but they are not entitled to own it and cast aspirtions on all the other celebrations that have shared this date... so many traditions though to be true and always been have origins far from what people think... humans have a very short term memory when it comes to history (like on thanksgiving, but that's not a thought for tonight)... tonight i ponder xmas and send you all happy thoughts my way cuz any other way would be insincere and ingenuous...

on the surface, xmas and xmas stories are one of my favorite ways to feel warm and gooey as tears rolle down my face... it's a wonderful life can do that with just a clip from a few scenes, especially the final scene... many stories can do that, including stories like this one (instant waterworks) but seeing the title, i found myself thinking that humans define the word true very differently and often true has little or nothing to do with actual empirical truth or even known human history...

i believe words are very important and i have a pet peeve about the abuse of language (like lies... lies are such a common abuse of language most people don't even realize when they are lying every day... yet we pretend truth is so noble and right... so i don't have much to do with the typical human traditions and stories because people believe what they want to believe and that leads to arguments over what is truth... i revel in learning, knowledge, and a quest for the whole truth... it's so much more wonderful and exciting and life is such a richer, deeper experience when you keep your mind open to learning... so my hope for you during this holiday season is that you don't close your eyes to truth and welcome knowledge into your mind and life :)

honest love to all :)

in the pause

and because the dream of sharing (hopelessly hopeful romantic that i am) never ends and barely pauses and never forgets (like horton) and requires commitment and actions, i continue this habit of reaching for the keyboard in the few moments while dinner is cooking or while drying after a shower or while just sitting between activities for a few moments, as i just returned from work and have a bit of time before heading out form softball...

if you do not understand, that's ok, it is a certain form of madness to be so dedicated to a dream, quixotic suspense, perplexing or laughable, folish or noble, it all depends on your perspective... from my perspective, with no better dream to dream and no better way to maintain the readiness (and nothing much better to do in these few moments), i continue to stop by here to remind myself and anyone who cares that i care and want to share (and know how) and i feel how precious the momenta are, in the pause...

may you feel your moments pass and fill them with something you love :)

speeding bullets don't lie

oh gee, this blog whenever there's a moment thing does not allow me to advertise my specific requests and please and desires and such and such very well, does it?... i mean, before anybody can read my heart felt plea for some serious interior decorating assistance and advice and such, the entry is gone into the archives and nobody saw...

sigh...

life really does move way too fast, doesn't it?... well, that's the title reference, anyway, though i know it could have been much more dramatically morbid even, just the speed of life seems faster than a speeding bullet sometimes, metaphorically speaking... or writing, to be precise... and so, a day full of doing stuff at work, number crunching, emailing, training assistants, thinking about projects and not so much working on the stuff due on monday... but i'm a bit ahead of schedule, or at least i was when the day started, so hope remains a big smile... or something like that...

and home, to this desperately needing interior decorating assistance space (did you dee, did you see?, cooking up some eggplant parm and spaghetti and relaxing with the music and the pleasures of privacy and the light fluffy clouds of the lonelies (they get that way sometimes, which is good, cuz they can be such a drag at other times)... it is good to enjoy me by myself (of course that's just my opinion and i may be wrong, but you know what?... nobody can ever prove it (only i can see through my eyes... the silver lining behind the clouds, i just wear it out in front of mind sometimes, ya see?), nyuk :)

if only everybody enjoyed life like this, what a wonderful world it would be... stupid humans (just had to, giggling all the way :)

frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}

between the lines

when all is said and done in the final hour, at the bottom line, the question may ultimately be... do i want my faith in humanity restored?...

it was all illusionary in the first place, a fairy tale within a dream that i forged from nothing more than fairy tales and dreams and stories others appeared to be living... the fact that i hung on to it for so many years, decades, eons, is a testimony to my stubbornness and fortitude and strngth and in the end, perhaps my foolishness...

but this life is what we want it to be and i so wanted it to be the goodness of the human heart...

unconditional love

where the hell did i ever buy into that ridiculous concept.

in my mind, all in my mind... and that, in the end, is where the decision will be made.