so many places in the world

more new people visited today from all around, unless my regular readers have done some more traveling cuz visits have come from Ireland, Indonesia, Thailand, Panama, Israel, Italy, Norway, Vietnam, Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, New Zealand, Columbia, Peru, Ukraine, Brazil, Switzerland, France... recently i have not seen those first ten countries on the list of where visitors are viewing from (it's been a while) and others are seldom on the list in recent weeks... so welcome back and welcome new readers...

and hey old friends in Canada, Australia, India, Poland, Netherlands, China, Latvia, Sweden, and Japan thanks showing up more often too... so if you are new here, welcome and thank you for stopping by... thanks again to the regular readers from Romania, Russia, United Kingdom, Germany, Malaysia (who am i leaving out?) and the USA... thank you for helping me feel like i am not writing in a vacuum :)

yay you :)

around the world

new people visited today, unless my regular readers have done some travelling cuz visits have come from Ukraine, Brazil, France, Indonesia, Thailand, Israel, Italy, Norway, Vietnam, Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, New Zealand, Columbia, and Peru... recently i have not seen those first five countries on the list of where visitors are viewing from (it's been a while) and others are seldom on the list in recent weeks... so welcome back and welcome new readers... and hey Canada, Australia, India, Poland, Netherlands, China, Latvia, Sweden, and Japan thanks showing up more often too... so if you are new here, welcome and thank you for stopping by... thanks to the usual visitors from Romania, Russia, United Kingdom, Germany, Malaysia (who am i leaving out?) and the USA... thank you for helping me feel like i am not writing in a vacuum :)

we put the xmas tree up tonight... i was able to hammer in the spike stand and filled the basin with water (with my arm used carefully, a tiny hammer, and no vice)... unfortunately, because lowe's had packed up their chainsaw and equipment early so the tree didn't get a clean cut, it's not absorbing as much water as a well-sold tree (am i not happy with lowe's?) and we are hoping it will survive until we take it down... we put up stockings too... jackson is a child of xmas, so it's much more xmasy around here this year... it feels good cuz she cares and isn't into it just for the show...

ate some herring in sour cream sauce for, well, dinner?... waking up at almost noon or even after definitely rearranges the names of meals... used to work night shift, if you know what i mean... yummy, much so...

just a life

while some of you tell me (and i so appreciate it) that i have some profound messages and valuable insights and i truly treasure your praise and respect (not just ego, you touch my heart by valuing my writing), at the bottom line it's just a life, one life, the one i experience and observe, that brings this blog and the writing in it to you...

i want to share a lot more than i do... so i write when no one is around to share... these days, while i am not working, i have a lot more time alone so i am writing a lot more... stating the obvious, yet it is part of the understanding i wish to convey here... if i write something of value, that is a wonderful feeling for me, but it is still icing on the cake of sharing that this blog is about...

it's just a life... just don't tell ego, aye? :)

12/12/12/12/12/12 again

lol... wonder what profound thought might appear here... time may tell, if i live this long and remember to return to this blog... cuz ya see, like the previous post, this post was scheduled years ago, perhaps by the mayan's themselves, cuz there was a possibility that i would not live long enough to actually post this manually, but apparently i did, sort of...

and if i didn't return, i hope life is wonderful :)

apparently i returned, or am returning, and this is the real 12-12-12, 12:12:12 entry cuz the last one that pretended to be the 12-12-12, 12:12:12 entry was actually the 12-12-12, 00:12:12 (note the subtle numerical changes), for whatever it means...

so has the world changed while we slept?... or while we were awake?...

12/12/12/12/12/12

something to do with time and space, i reckon... reckoning, that's what the mayan's said, or maybe that was the more modern interpretation... in any event (and who knows what events might be any), this entry was written in bits and pieces over the course of time starting last year or before and is all set to be posted at 12 minutes and 12 seconds after 12 on the 12th day of the 12th month of the 12th year in this millennium, for whatever it's worth to numerologists or anyone else...

maybe i will provide some actual daily life before posting, aye?...

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

thousands

over the years i've written in diaries, journals, blogs, and wherever regularly so that just about every day i record thoughts, feelings, perspectives, dreams, fantasies, whatever may be borne of my own mind or just passes through from sensory input... there are more than a few threads, strings of entries (or posts) from different perspectives in my head and more than a few of the writing spaces have more than a thousand entries, this one included... if you ask why, the simple answer is i love word play, literary expression, and keeping in touch with myself and the dream of communicating with others, especially the one... care to read and ask for more and the deeper layers of meaning, reason, and rhyme (and the secrets of the multiverse, even) may appear for you as communication personalizes...

here in the primary public writing space i am skimming the surface most of the time and even those i mention are re-named to respect privacy (for others seems to want much more privacy than i do) and even when i am away from this writing space for a day or few, i am still writing somewhere... writing is for my mind what singing is for my body and spirit, exercise, release, play, connection to the core and flights of fancy to freedom and infinity (and beyond :)

if you have an affinity for the written word (or for singing and/or music), perhaps you understand... you are welcome to read along and encouraged to share your words as well, here, there, or anywhere... communication is one of the primary gifts this life offers and i love giving and receiving... hope you love what you do too :)

i forget

just how much is in my head, how much more i can create and how much creativity beyond the daily challenges of work and play, the words and music expressing emotion and epotion and devotion and awareness and enlightened thought and new ideas and love in so many ways inspires me and fulfills me and empowers me and then, i wonder... how can i forget how powerful singing is for me... that loss is the single greatest loss i've experienced in this life and how i could have given it away, allowed myself to forget, i'll never fully grasp... and how did it take me so long to remember the music of my own heart... it doesn't get much more real than this...

so with minimal fanfare, hardly a notice, but with seriously wonderful chills down the spine... a new blog is born tonight...

this is home

other places i communicate with others are fine for their purpose and appreciated for the time and energy others share there, but this is home, the door is open, and anyone watching or sharing without harming is welcome, even if nobody takes the time to stop by...

and the truth is (yeah, feeling the emo for the moment), it is sometimes disappointing when no one cares to stop by, but the door remains open and this remains my home... when i am silent everywhere else, i am still here (the long and winding road)...

hopefully my friends will know that when i appear to disappear...

home from work early, nap, out to game night at the history center, fun, snacks, and home again...

two to go

welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...

so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...

so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)

yay (mostly)

i finally found my way to the bed when i woke from my name around midnight last night... and so the sleep was about four hours from eightish to midnightish and then from then till a little bit ago (don't you just love the clarity i provide to time?... like swiss precision watches, with the ish factor) and i showered and shampooed and conditioned and rinsed and even repeated! (as opposed to jump under the water and rushed through the process) and now i am on time for my early meeting with the lawyers from miami with some breathing room, so yay...

the mostly part is that there was almost no exploring of facebook and other online stuff last night, which is the same as about 350 days out of the 365 days last year, but the past three nights i was up most of the night exploring and i realized i still enjoy that (it's been years, but i used to wander around the web a lot for hours on end, after all, have you never visted my myspace?... i just don't have time to read comments and communicate the way i used to (there are about a thousand unread messages there in my mailbox), no less browse as i did when i was babbling behind the candoor or before or before that even), alas, i miss it but life offline is way too busy to be spending hours a day online...

it was nice to stay up three nights in a row and feel the thrill of exploring again and sure enough, i found some people i had been searching for every time i did an extended web browsing searching wandering and one actually responded, though i am not she if i am remembered yet... spooky to wander through ancient memories like that and yet, so very deep-sigh-high too... so yay (mostly) cuz balance is good, but more time would be even better :)

can i go home now? :)

suddenly, a 4:37am

i found myself eating a fish sandwich and drinking juicy juice cherry and hoping the microwave cooked the fish enough so i do not get food poisoning, which is not a thought i'd like to actualize today...

and now i should sleep a bit, even though i just ate, because a few hours from now i do need to get a whole lot of mentally challenging work done... well, maybe not so challenging as it is draining, or maybe simply occupying yes, mentally occupying is the right term... never mind all the other terms now... think: polymath!

i spent the last four hours or so on facebook joining groups, fanning pages, adding friends, and leaving the random comment... listening to music on youtube too... and enjoying the hopes and dreams and inspirations and random smiles i found along the way... hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing tonight too :)

and so i did

as you might discover if you found one of my latest new blogs, meaningless complaints, i felt inspired to explore blog names tonight and found so many wonderful blog names have died untimely deaths along the way because people just don't seem to respect the written word or posterity (or the illusion of permanence) much these days... once upon a time, it was different...

anyway, i did have much fun with myself tonight and babbling on and on and on and cleaned some and there are new blogs out there, some on the horizon, some down the road, some already kicking off their first entries and then some... i'll update the lists on the right of RealTime one of these days, until then, it's our little secret...

softball in the morning, possibly below freezing temperatures (no running for me, that's for sure), so sleep would be good tonight... i hope you are having fun with yourself too :)

so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?... me!...

so instead of going out to a game night with some great friends and having fun, i decided to stay home and take care of me (which of course always includes writing if i am doing it right for me)... who knows, a dozen new blogs may start and while babbling ridiculously, i shall clean and play with myself...

take care of you :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!

sleep is good

waking to find my mind playing poker and waiting for a moron who is cheating to present his queens up full house which he and other morons at the table expect to beat my four tens after another player went all in, forcing almost everyone else to go all in as well... i wonder what happened when he finally revealed his hand and started swooping on the pot when i corrected him and others and showed them the rules of the game they were playing (4-of-a-kind beats a full house)... they'd probably want to fight, which is why i rarely play cards or any game for money with strangers...

must be leftover thoughts from falling asleep watching the macho morons of florida wipe the field with the uncoached hapless cincy team... the intimidation factor always goes too far with some teams and florida is one as their secondary was allowed play after play of interference, their defence was allowed play after play of late hits and helmet to helmet hits, and their offense was allowed play after play of holding with hardly any penalties called... they are a suberbly trained and coached team, but every game i watch they get away with more than other teams, which is par for the course in every sport for the top atheletes... which is wrong, but part of the real american way...

here, i'll let me social conscience rant a moment... it goes beyond "it isn't cheating or a crime unless you are caught" and "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing"... in the real, it isn't cheating unless you are called for it... moreover, it isn't a crime unless you are convicted of it... you can be seen doing it and even caught and arrested, but if the other card plays ignore the rules, you didn't cheat... or in football, if the refs don't see or ignore what you are doing, you didn't commit a penalty... even in legal crime, you are presumed innocent, remember?... except in the media and the minds of the masses (lynch mobs) who love to convict without a trial... the layers of hypocrisy in otherwise excellent ideas can astound or even blow an open mind... luckily there are so few, so very little astounding (or blowing) goes on... at least not of minds...

yeah, sleep is good... hope you enjoy yours too :)

for no apparent reason

sometimes i put off uploading a new entry because the current entry is pure genius, or more precisely, poignantly full of some information i with everyone could and would read and if i put another entry out there, that current entry slips into the abyss of the archives where some of the most brilliant (or personally representative of me) entries sit unnoticed for years or even, forever... so rather than delay the pending flood of entries that are bubbling up today in the few hours i have to sit and vegetate here in front of the computer and tv (not that there's anything on the boob toob around here on saturdays), i will include links to the profoundly vital entries i am overstating with delusions of grandeur and poor spelling right here and elsewhere as i ramble on today and possibly, other days as well (look for them, that's the game, even more of a build-up, aye?... ah, the self-mockery of self-importance and arrogance of narcissism still amuses me after all these years)... and since we know you wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if you didn't know this, you can thank me later... and so, onward...

yes, in the interest of your sanity and future children we might have, let it be known that you must have all of the qualities (did ya see, did ya see?... it's a link!... shhhh, don't tell anybody) and more to get close to me, though if you hum a few bars you can fake it for a while, especially if loneliness is strong, but then you need to know that we only would be sharing fantasy bubbles that burst at random moments (even if they are euphoric and/or orgasmic before they do), so forewarning and all that, aye... seriously, your sense of humor must be flexible or it'll brobably break trying to keep up with mine (mine does pilates in it's sleep) if you really want to get close and try to know me... one test could be if you laugh at, and more importantly with craig ferguson, then you may have enough silliness in your sense of humor to appeal to my lofty tom-snootery (you'll have to write in for the definition if you don't already get it)... ah, but you may already misunderstand and be put off by your limited mind...

meanwhile, if you really know (or study, which requires a post doctorate degree, but kindergarteners have been known to get it too) a look at my history it should relieve any sense of offensive superiority you might have assumed i assumed, or presumed, or consumed, for that matter as the power of words demolishes any modicum of composure anyone might have when they arrive (but before you start thinking it's just like old times, i give you the word and remind you that you really don't know what's going on or what is real until you look into my eyes and sit and talk honestly for a spell cause all this internet babbling is fun and amusing (to me, at least), but cuz i love to play with my head, your head might get played with as well and even though i mean no harm, you might find confusion in my delusions and if we don't share the same illusion then misunderstanding is likely to follow, so take me with a grain, or a truckload of salt, for that matter, ya folla?...

are we having fun yet? :)

pretty pathetic, aye?

thousands of days, mostly nights, sitting here putting words on the web... ten times that many nights filling paper with ink... for the love of words... for the hope to share... because i care and sharing caring is the best feeling i know, i wave at you, at anyone, at no one always hoping somebody will wave back...

so many words, so many nights, for the love of words...

and where are the word lovers?... where are those who live to share... where are those who care, who live to share the caring, the doing good for each other personally... lost in social ritual or religious dogma?... buried in business and the struggle for material success?... hiding in superficial relationships or alone in plastic places?...

here i come, day after day, night after night, caring to keep hoping, writing, giving all i have to you, to anyone who might read... here i come, day after day, night after night, sharing a love of words...

with no one...

just cuz i want to

share, that is... that's why i want to put words on the web every day in any way i can and in spite of the manic business and fullness of life these days where i hardly have a moment and rarely have a day to just sit and relax for more than a moment (or even a moment) no less sit back and ponder with the laptop on my lap (and it's been years since i had a comfortable chair and desktop set up, no less the big bed with the laptop laying prone as i used to write by hand for so many years) but i steal a moment or few randomly out of days rushing by filled with work, softball, and the weekly social activity like game nights or shows or concerts (rarer are dinners out this year as i've consciously avoided food sharing in order to drop weight, which takes a bit of time, and reset the set weight in the brain, which can take much longer) so i can record a few thoughts that keep me in touch with myself and the hope that somehow, some way, someday, somewhere, we will share again...

just cuz i want to, ya know...