blurrry

worked and home again, and wasting my time... something froze and i had to reboot the laptop and i had set it to check the disk on the next reboot, but should checkdisk take three hours?... so i nodded off and all the amazing things in my head dissolved into dreams i don't remember... alas, what a waste...

and more than 250,000 files?... talk about technological bloat, more than 250,000 files?... what the heck for?... i put ms office and two other programs, an security program and a game program on this laptop since i bought it... the laptop came with so much bloat, so many extra programs... it can take ten minutes to shut down and re-start and three hours to checkdisk?... how long will a defrag take, or will it hang and never actually finish like xp used to do...

hours wasted waiting for the computer to check itself and fix itself and what a waste...

vista is the worst os yet...

under the weather

wherever did that phrase (title) come from?... wherever it came from, i may be there... headache and overall queasy kind of feeling that did not simply disappear with ibuprophen and now, a major increase in tinitus volume in the left ear, a sign of rising blood pressure and other chemical imbalances for whatever reason (paging dr. house)... chocolate or caffeine overdose or withdrawal?... something i ate?... flu bug?... whatever the cause, the body is not feeling very good tonight...

hope you are feeling better...

really?

well, the intention was to sleep until i woke naturally, but the phone rang a half dozen times already this morning and hile i rolled over and ignored most (after glancing at the phone for the number), the last one was work and as i am on-call this weekend, and i almost did not have to go in, but i will go in later as the admissions to the children's psychiatric hospitals do not take a break for xmas this year... the nurse was going to do the assessment for me, but a few issues popped up and she probably won't have time, but it was sweet of her to offer and give it a try...

so awake and will head to work later, but for now, continued vegging is all that i intend to do... dear friends will be watching it's a wonderful life and then wandering the city of celebration, florida to see the festivities and lights and stuff (they have snow) and then playing games and having fun and i am contemplating heading down there (at least forty minutes away), but for the moment, no intentions beyond vegging...

it is a wonderful life :)

wired crossing

the party continues today as the food was good and the leftovers were even better after i got home and the madness that would have been exploded here somehow popped over to the bullsugar perhaps because i hope it's not as real as it might be or perhaps because i enjoy the pretense of confusion and mazeology, or something like that...

yeah, anyway, this babbling may be meaningless in the end, even the breif serious attempts to keep in touch, but if just one person believes, then the faries do not die...

i mean, hope your day was fun too... and get some rest :)

give in, please

sleep, yes, sleep has become the obsession of the subconscious (and just about every cell in the physical body)... it is only the conscious mind that that loves to play so much that it simply shrugs off sleep and continues continues continues doing whatever it is i am doing whether i am out with people and hoping someone stays awake with me or after i get home and let the web and words and whatever slip through my mind and dance without reason and play without meaning and even glance up at the tv when the music isn't playing and lost in the sleep deprived psychosis is the depth and dream and whetever else was me, once upon a time...

so i slept tonight :)

still i don't sleep

as even fat-free vanilla yogurt becomes the base for my new ice cream and all sorts of healthier tastes substitute for the fat-sugar fat-carb and fat-fat foods i used to so adore but hardly miss anymore, i still don't sleep...

and even as i play softball four times a week, three evenings getting home too late to watch any prime time tv so i wait up for craig ferguson because he amuses me with his irreverent absurdity and sophmoric shtick, i still don't sleep...

and even as i rarely do an all-nighter these days because i play the corporate professional game of relatively 24/7 responsibility as i did once upon a time so many times ago in another life before i lost it all and was set adrift somewhere left of nowhere and the years demand more rest from this body, i still don't sleep...

and even as i so rarely browse the internet or check emails or, gasp, write even, (even?... oh, even) for reasons ignored or unknown or both or simply not created yet, i still don't sleep...

but the world inside my head awaits, still, so... i don't sleep...

because I miss you... i still don't sleep.

mon-daze

somehow there's no life on the monday softball team and i am as dead as everybody else... i don't warm up, i'm stiff and sloppy, and everything i do shows... so i grounded into a double play and was safe on an error on my two at bats and then my pitching was weak... i only walked two, but i was off the plate a lot and could not find corners... and i made two errors... the team we played hit well and we made at least two dozen errors total so the loss was huge and that's mon-daze...

too much softball on sundays and not enough sleep on sunday nights and no food all day monday and bleary eyed at the computer all day and then, worst of all, 830pm games on the sandbox field with the low lights that blind us... yup, that's why...

the other team will have to come up with their own excuses :}

where's my comforter :)

another night, sorta

nodding off in the chair most of the night until somewhere after daylight i found my way into bed and now, awake and heading out for softball in spite of a 60% chance for rain... maybe i'll wear cheap sneakers today instead of the cleats...

yesterday was oddly fun... missed the sushi lunch because i could not find the place (and it's a popular place that people mention all the time, but i've never been and seemed to block as i am told i drive around it... it's in a crowded outdoor mall and traffic was insane, so even four times around the loops didn't give me time to look hard enough)... a half hour past the lunch time i gave up and headed to find a costume for the night...

the mystery dinner was interesting, fun, but could have been more fun with more clever writing as many of us had minimal parts... i had hardly anything to do and i was supposed to be a huge part... i won richest and best costume awards for the evening, though i did not figure out who did it (i was focused on my part, which which was written to be oblivious to the goings on around me except to chase skirts)...

we ended early, as the previous entry noted, and then i sat here nodding off and we're back to the first paragraph of this entry... real time in thereal, ya know... so off to softball now and hope you have a fun weekend too :)

actually, what happened was...

raspy hasn't been working since he got back from the ukraine last october and for my wallet it's kind of remained halloween... and a few hours ago it got sadly ridiculous... precious showed up crying cuz... she hasn't paid her two credit cards since october or november and both were being charged at least $70 a month late and over the limit fees... last week she got a ticket for not re-registering her car which was due in december... and last night she was stopped again and got five tickets, no registration, tail lights, no insurance, no seat belt, and not changing her address on her license (since last august)... and then there's school projects she's skipping (which means failing) because she doesn't have the money for the supplies needed, or books, for that matter... and she never did get the wheels aligned so the new tires i bought her won't last as long as they could... what a day to go for a pap smear, aye?... maybe i shouldn't have talked her into going back this semester when she was considering taking the semester off, but who'd have thought rasputin would abandon her like this... i can understand enjoying time off and livinmg on unemployment insurance, but when you've comitted to putting your kid through college, it's kind of bad timing... so anyway, a bit more than $1000 later, her credit cards are under their limits and she has money for the tickets, car, school, food, and so on...

these moments feel lonelier than most others... yeah, that's life... tomorrow i've got to call minnie who just lost her job and needs help feeding the kid and paying rent and all the other life expenses... this is not starting out as a very good year financially, is it?... well, luckily i love giving, but it's getting out of hand... must take inventory soon... and re-read this entry a few times to remember that i really must learn how to set limits... are we laughing at me?... sheesh, and all :}

cruising the darkness

yeah, the previous entry says it all, or nothing, depending on perspective and understanding, which means i am still awake and riding the wave of hunger energy, with a little help from eggplant parm and some coffee drinks cuz the mind just will not give another night away to sleep without reaching out as best as it gets these days... because the caring never ends, the love never sleeps, the sharing only rests when the promises can keep us holding on to each others, gently riding through the night, cruising the darkness, living together, being comfort honest comfort and in sleep's sweet embrace come the morning light...

i mean, it could have been but we all have our excuses for putting off the sharing, for sleeping alone and taking no risks... and i almost cried just thinking about it tonight and if the right song played, i'd have curled up and died in your arms, or mine, in your absence... there isn't much else to say, with buddha out in front and nowhere to go, just cruising the darness on the net with myself and dreams is the best part of the night for it is the most real...

in the magic moments of what was and will be between the bloat and laziness and self-indulgences of today (that you may be too well aware of and even fear if you doubt your own will power and will not trust mine), but i've known the passion and the promise and kept every word even when i seemed to dissolve in the ethers of forget and regret, not yet have i lost it all, in spite of giving it all away many times... it is an understanding so clear it cuts through the facade of human pretense to expose the naked stumbling through insecurity and self-defenses that so many enlightened wanderers strive for and so few ever actualize... a space, a place, a being, an experience of peace and awareness most call an impossible dream, nirvana, val halla, untopia, and so on...

and what keeps us from the hugs, not wanting to be held for a while, not wanting to hold another, fearing or what - rhetorical questions go unanswered all the time, but then, that is what makes them rhetorical... what if someone actually answered, oh me, oh my, what fun might be found in the moment of then... and now, may you find amusement elsewhere, for you are not here... and if you were, or are, and then, you can still choose to share...

call or write and if you dare believe i am in here, you will find me waiting there...

hours on the phone with att

netowrk issues... i've realized that since getting a more consistent 3g network signal, i am getting consistently slower downloads and uploads... well, i haven't had time to spend on the phoen to sort it out, but tonight i suddenly could no longer download mail or browse the web and the connection manager said i was connected, so i called att... i finally had to tell the very nice techie that i needed to get off the phone, so they set up service ticket and they will call back... the thing is, looking at my schedule, they won't find me home at my computer anytime they call back until february 3rd, at least...

i am buying a new laptop this weekend... this old cluncker is fine for sitting on a desk as a desktop, but i need a portable one... the decision will be between an eee machine or a bigger, but much lighter than this one, model... cost and impulse must strike a compromise... and i';ve got to remember i am covering precious' rent for february and laying out the money for the tennessee trip next week... raspy, get a job and buy me a laptop, dangit... actually, you can cover a few and then some, a nice stereo too... furniture... a complete tuneup for the car... yeah, i'll keep dreaming... he'll be rich someday and pay be back... no more loans for trips to the unkraine until he does though :}

did you know that korea and japan average over 16mbs (megabytes per second) download speed?... and the usa average is under 6mps... dozens of countries are way ahead of us in technology, including internet speed, which is communication for business and people (and government, military, security, and so on... who's computers will communicate faster in a crisis?... not the usa computers, that's for sure)... and when i personalize this it gets much worse... the usa southeast average?... 2mps... and att average download speed in this area?... 0.5mps... and my connection?... between 0.03mps and 0.1mps... scary slow...

so ok, a change is in order... but for the short term, i need to find time to get the laptop and i won't have time tomorrow or friday unless i take more time off work and that's ridiculous with the load on my desk, so i should have done it tonight and doh, i was on the phone with att from about 7:30pm until now... saturday morning?... must be... so how was your evening? :)

where does the time go, dangit?

must wake in four hours to shower and dry off (it's cold outside) and dress and drive to the softball tournament (so much for getting enough sleep, dangit) and i got home around 10pm and re-laced part of my softball glove cuz it's old and falls apart now and then and then updated behind the candoor and realtime too, and checked out some other stuff and found myself nodding off just a moment ago so i'm off to bed and la la land and will attempt to blog later and should have bought the laptop dangit...

nite nite :)