two to go

welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...

so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...

so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)

long week, but got some sleep

as you will know already (how's that for playing with tenses?... wait, i'm not done) if you read the previous posts that have yet to be written (O-O, what a word geek, aye?), on monday night i pulled a hamstring tagging up from second to third on a short fly ball to center and then limped home from third with the tying run in the bottom of the seventh on the next batter's hit... we won the game and tonight, the team played without me and won the first game of the playoffs... next thursday is the rest of the playoffs and i will see how the leg feels, but i definitely will take a pinch runner if i play and make it to first base...

in other news, precious totalled her second car for the year last night and i was sleeping... she's ok, though spent some hows in the hospital getting checked out... the worst bruising came from the seat belt... i thought she had an airbagm but i never rode in the second car so i suppose not... the first accident she was hit from behind while at a red light... this time she couldn't stop in time when someone stopped short in front of her... the SUV had a damaged bumper, her car received a totalled front end... the benefit of driving a gas guzzler, i suppose...

i am taking tomorrow off, mostly, to take care of business, so i should sleep some tonight, but at least i did sleep more than ten hours the past two nights, which is wonderful (says the body and mind) and also why i haven't been here... so to all the silent millions of fans out there who love me and miss me (and the few who actually leave a few words now and then), all is well in the real and while all could be better, i've got fewere complaints every day (mostly cuz i'm a day closer to dead and understand the logic and wisdom of not wasting time or energy on worry or stressing over the small stuff, but there may also be some greater depth and stability to the balance and peace within the psyche, yeah, it's not just apathy and ambivalence, nyuk)...

much more to come in previous entries here, there (which may be real time, behind the candoor, or even bullsugar, but wait, there are even newer blogs budding out there if you're clever enough to track them down... shhhh, it's our little secret until the tabloids get a hold of the photos and text messages and twitters and pull a tiger woods on us), and other places... life is good and amusing, as usual... and just think of what getting a lot of sleep might do to the profundity and candor of the babble, aye?...

narf :)

hey blog family

especially the couple or few of you i am not sure how to reach at the moment cuz of movement or numbers changing and time passing and all that life stuff (and the many i haven't been sure of how to reach for years too)... from the places i created and all the places you gave me... a few from here and from other places too... every one of you who have touched my heart, even irl (you know... out there :)

i hope today is a good day in your world... and in the future, yours too...

i miss you :)

not that it matters

yeah, microsoft sucks, but then, so does att... their $70 a month aircard is slower than 28K dialup and too often, even with an apparent signal, pages will not load... not that it matters, after all, if the pages did not load, you will not see those words and if you see the words, the pages obviously loaded... having to shut down the computer and reboot sucks, but that is the norm with windows, after all...

all this techno-babble dominating thereal these days might drive away readers, if i had any, unless, of course, the readers were techno-heads, but then, as if there was any intent to actually write for readers, not that it matters, cuz there almost usually are none, though just of late, there are two, both anonymous and one clearly non-existent, present only as inconsequential spam, but the other, yes, one, thank you...

and the others beyond the two mentioned above, yes, the few called family on the sidebar, wherever you are, stopping by in rare moments as i might find you at your haunts, if you still leave any droppings on the web anywhere, thank you too..

not that it matters, but of course, it does...

maybe i should feel used

i figured something out tonight... every time i give more money away, i want to eat something decadent... it is partly a self-indulgence urge... and it is partly a ptsd effect lingering from my homeless days... see, there was leftover pizza in the fridge from a while back (was it actually from last wednesday?... wow, i didn't even realize how old it was... anyway, i ate it with other leftovers even though most of my mindset has been on healthier food this week... giving money away was the trigger to say fuck it, i'll eat what i want, who cares and all that self-indulgent rationalization of enjoying the rush of taste bud stimulation without concern for waistline or food content...

i keep telling myself i am helping people, kids in a tough spot, kids i adopted when they were littler kids, kids who depend on me... but i don't have a new laptop or new car or furniture or music system or plenty of other things i would have much fun with largely because i give away most of my extra money... i tell myself they appreciate it and it's not that they are taking advantage of me, but they have just had bad luck and... i tell myself i am a good person for giving, that it feels good to give, that someone will someday understand and appreciate me and give me the unconditional love i give to others... not to suggest giving money will bring me love, because i know the beatles were right, but giving unconditionally is not just about money... money is just the easiest thing to give because there are so many ready and willing to take it... ultimately, i do not think i am trying to buy anything and i'd like to buy myself a new laptop and fun stuff, but someone i care about eating and having a roof over their head is more important to me than my having yet another new toy...

so should i feel used?... maybe... i have no biological or legal obligations to anyone... i have no family obligations to anyone other than the emotional bonds i choose... so i help people get out into life... and i help people get through school... and i help people keep a roof over their heads and i buy people food... and maybe i am enabling or maybe i am being used, but i don't have to feel used...

but is my giving ways yet another reason i do not have a partner in this life?... now there's a whole 'nother path to ponder some other time... for now, i really must get a hold of the trigger, eating because i let myself feel used and lonely is such a foolish choice...

so whether i am foolish or not, foolish is as much a matter of perspective as not, and who would really come care to closer enough for long enough to really know for sure... from far away, the knowledge is thin, after all... and me, i fluctuate, naturally... so many i am just waiting for someone to care enough, to be here enough, to understand and appreciate and respect and love enough... or maybe i am just trying to buy value because i have no partner to reflect and reassure up close and personal today for a long long time...

what?... you expected maybe a decision?...

nite nite :}

actually, what happened was...

raspy hasn't been working since he got back from the ukraine last october and for my wallet it's kind of remained halloween... and a few hours ago it got sadly ridiculous... precious showed up crying cuz... she hasn't paid her two credit cards since october or november and both were being charged at least $70 a month late and over the limit fees... last week she got a ticket for not re-registering her car which was due in december... and last night she was stopped again and got five tickets, no registration, tail lights, no insurance, no seat belt, and not changing her address on her license (since last august)... and then there's school projects she's skipping (which means failing) because she doesn't have the money for the supplies needed, or books, for that matter... and she never did get the wheels aligned so the new tires i bought her won't last as long as they could... what a day to go for a pap smear, aye?... maybe i shouldn't have talked her into going back this semester when she was considering taking the semester off, but who'd have thought rasputin would abandon her like this... i can understand enjoying time off and livinmg on unemployment insurance, but when you've comitted to putting your kid through college, it's kind of bad timing... so anyway, a bit more than $1000 later, her credit cards are under their limits and she has money for the tickets, car, school, food, and so on...

these moments feel lonelier than most others... yeah, that's life... tomorrow i've got to call minnie who just lost her job and needs help feeding the kid and paying rent and all the other life expenses... this is not starting out as a very good year financially, is it?... well, luckily i love giving, but it's getting out of hand... must take inventory soon... and re-read this entry a few times to remember that i really must learn how to set limits... are we laughing at me?... sheesh, and all :}

emergencies follow me

i have never known biological family... so perhaps that is why i always look for someone who might want to be my family... adoption is the only family i know and anyone can be adopted so anyone can be family... it's given me a much more real "family of man" perspective than the average biologically connected human...

i am not sure if that has anything to do with my habit of attracting emergencies... costly emergencies, no less... and it is almost always just when i am about to almost talk myself into actually considering spending a lot on a large purchase, like a computer or even down payment on a new car (what?... a house?... well, it was once and it could have been again, sigh and all, shhhh, it's not giggle time unless you're here with me, or understand well, or something like that)...

yeah, so poor planning and bad luck and mix in some irresponsibility and blink, there i am coughing up enough to buy a netbook and a laptop tonight... yeah, family in trouble, and after a brief, but agonizing moment of "what about me" (and the poor-me drama scene), my savings to the rescue... and then, alone, reality sets in and i face the fact that it feels wonderful even though the fact that i could have had the toys i've been eyeing for years feels kinda sad... wonderful trumps sad though, so all is good... tomorrow i must call my other adopted daughter and find out how much she needs... and then, i'm gonna run away where nobody can find me until i save up and buy a toy for me... yeah, that's the ticket...

so what waggles your noodle today? :)

hours on the phone with att

netowrk issues... i've realized that since getting a more consistent 3g network signal, i am getting consistently slower downloads and uploads... well, i haven't had time to spend on the phoen to sort it out, but tonight i suddenly could no longer download mail or browse the web and the connection manager said i was connected, so i called att... i finally had to tell the very nice techie that i needed to get off the phone, so they set up service ticket and they will call back... the thing is, looking at my schedule, they won't find me home at my computer anytime they call back until february 3rd, at least...

i am buying a new laptop this weekend... this old cluncker is fine for sitting on a desk as a desktop, but i need a portable one... the decision will be between an eee machine or a bigger, but much lighter than this one, model... cost and impulse must strike a compromise... and i';ve got to remember i am covering precious' rent for february and laying out the money for the tennessee trip next week... raspy, get a job and buy me a laptop, dangit... actually, you can cover a few and then some, a nice stereo too... furniture... a complete tuneup for the car... yeah, i'll keep dreaming... he'll be rich someday and pay be back... no more loans for trips to the unkraine until he does though :}

did you know that korea and japan average over 16mbs (megabytes per second) download speed?... and the usa average is under 6mps... dozens of countries are way ahead of us in technology, including internet speed, which is communication for business and people (and government, military, security, and so on... who's computers will communicate faster in a crisis?... not the usa computers, that's for sure)... and when i personalize this it gets much worse... the usa southeast average?... 2mps... and att average download speed in this area?... 0.5mps... and my connection?... between 0.03mps and 0.1mps... scary slow...

so ok, a change is in order... but for the short term, i need to find time to get the laptop and i won't have time tomorrow or friday unless i take more time off work and that's ridiculous with the load on my desk, so i should have done it tonight and doh, i was on the phone with att from about 7:30pm until now... saturday morning?... must be... so how was your evening? :)

dinner, sleep

another busy day at work and the job juggling continues as the organization is not organized and the ceo does not want to spend the money to get it organized, yet of course the reports are still due on time... i smile and repeat that the job requires two people and i am one person so the reports will be done when they get done and it will be later each month... he nods and says just get it done as soon as you can and we repeat the conversation a few times a week...

after work, before 6pm, even, i met precious and rasputin for dinner at olive garden as i had planned to buy precious dinner and rasputin came along, though he didn't eat cuz he ate at 3:30pm... raspy is still looking for work, so funds are tight and while he has a lot of time, activities are limited... after getting home i sat here and nodded off... excitement continues to build, aye? :)

what? back already? don't you have a life?

just moments ago, or so it seems, we woke out of a four hour nap to head shower, shave, dress (mustn't forget to dress in this culture... that's one of the most important rules in the hitchhiker's guide for this mostly harmless planet cuz it's definitely not mostly harmless to naked people... isn't it ironic, don't you think... apparently, few do, but anyway) and out the door to buy tires for precious and while waiting, we looked for stuff to do...

the tire place is kind of next to the library, so we went in and i now have a couple of new cd stacks to import and listen to... yay for libraries... and then precious was hungry so she chose taco bell and then it was back to the car and here we are again, one step closer to that stairway gilda darling was dreaming about in the previous entry... can i get back to my rhymes now, the muse wonders...

or wait, actually, there's all that babble to sort through, so perhaps, until another nap comes knocking (or the gym, i did promise myself an extended gym session (going for calories and fat burn instead of time and cardio) due to the snacking i've been doing the last few days... weeks... holiday season...

so what's up with your day? :)

wakey wakey

what?... what the heck is wakey wakey?... who am i, anyway?... ah yes, there's precious on the phone waking me as planned to go out to buy her tires for her car... so here we are, dripping dry, or drying the drip, shower shave and out the door... gonna spend a little more... that seems what i'm living for... luckily i don't keep score... or something like that...

and she's buying a stairway to... where ever... but gilda, darling, leave me my time to dream and rhyme, does anybody remember dreaming?...

ah yes, and laughter... the sweet elixir... that is what life is truly all about, and what i am living for... and babble, don't forget the babbler, nooo, mustn't forget the babble (thank you dan and julia, but don't cut your finger off on my account)... ah, love the laughter... and you, love you... make it a wonderful day :)

mostly the phone

yes, the intention was there (and desire, inspiration, even, but, ironically, by the very words another time, if not the rhyme), to write and gather thoughts and wits and scribbles and upload words to the various written gardens around the web, but the phone stepped up and supplanted the computer so far tonight... i did write an email... yes, an email... old friends know the implications of that, but for now, let's just say it was extremely brief and fun (cuz it was both)... and i really was in the mood to write (which i do a lot more now that i live alone, one of the sweet blessings of spending a lot more on rent)... the phone did dominate the night though...

and ironically, it was just like old times at the river park place (charlie brown chickles and all)... first precious, who needs tires and rent and school and living money, then rasputin, who is still looking for work and might come by tomorrow if he has gas (ironic statement, that, but we'll leave raspy's gastrointestinal issues out of this cuz of course we meant the car)... dunno if jane will be calling about the movie, but i may not be spending saturday relaxing at home (and continuing the unpacking, sorting, cleaning, laundry, moving in, etc) after all... anyway, i'll go through the motion of counting my pennies and see if there's any chance of my getting the laptop (cuz there isn't and we know it) and help out some more and we can laugh and say i'd be rich if it weren't for family :)

by the way, i am still very much in the market for interaction, oh, i mean... happy new year!... nyuk, nyuk, narf :)

a choice of habit

doing this, checking in on the web for a few minutes a few times a day, and/or typing a few words day or a few times each day, is a choice and a habit, a choice that becomes a habit... and the choice can be selfish, an egocentric hunger to share beyond the daily routine or an emotional hunger to connect and be some part of the lives of others who are far away... or the choice can be out of boredome or altruism or any number of reasons... in the end, is is a choice and if wanted enough, the choice becomes a daily habit... a few minutes upon waking or before sleeping or whenever during the day... a few minutes of typing words into a box on a computer and clicking send, upload, publish, or whatever...

i choose this habit... and there have been times in this life when i chose it before, though previous times were different than this time... previously, there was a veil of playful insecurity disguised as creativity and babble that kept some distance between thereal daily life and the words written... perhaps i told myself that it was too egocentric to record the actual daily experiences on the public web... perhaps i was afraid that nobody would pay any attention and it would look foolish to write mundane details if nobody ever commented... whatever, the reasons for the previous incarnations of a daily daily life entry appear gone and here we are...

whether you are checking in daily or occasionally or not at all... whether these words are for me alone or for posterity or for the one or for friends who might have been or who might still be, the words are here... a choice of habit to take a few moments every day or even every few hours to type a few words into this box and share the details of life as i live it...

precious woke me to let me know she was getting on the highway to start her long drive up to ohio... because this is a long drive all by herself, the first time she's driving out of state by herself, i insisted she call every few hours... the nasal drip and ensuing cough seems to be getting worse, not better... dang... so much for getting the full long deep catch up sleep, aye :}

sleep now, perhance to...

mostly for me

just a moment ago, upon returning from another night of spending, bloating, and the same old same old, i asked myself, self... why do you do it?... and the answer came back at me from myself before i could think about it and i heard... i do it for me, mostly... and i wonder if that is selfish... and i do believe it is... and i wonder if that is why i am alone... or is it simply because i am too honest about it and dare to ask and answer... that's me, pondering the corner...

same for coming here and writing consistently... this time, the words, the thinking, the uploading to the internet, is mostly for me... while i would love people to care enough to want to know me and maybe even care about me and while i would love it if i had friends who wanted to read me every day anywhere in the world, near or far, and while i'd love more interaction and i do continue uploading with that hope, for that reason, for the daily sharing i long to remember and share again any way it can be, i continue for me too and these days, alone in space and here, it's mostly for me...

cuz it is my dream after all... to share, i mean... posterity and memory and fantasy and what could be all play a role too... and someday, when someone does come along to care enough to want to be part of daily life sharing the moments, we can look back and see what follies and foibles and fun and stuff i did all these days... for the fun of it... for the learning experience... for the sharing... and for us... and until then, it's mostly for me...

slept late, to three or so, then headed out to pick up precious and drive to meet rasputin and buy dinner and movies and desserts... and precious needs more too, alas, to register for school... and i wonder if this too is why i am alone, cuz who would want to share my giving ways... somebody, i hope, i dream...

i hope your day was fun :)

keeping busy

could be consider business, aye?... well, all in all, keeping busy may just be another way to avoid feeling the loneliness and meaninglessness of being without a partner in this life... and i mean partner connected to your core who you trust with everything, not the daily companion who hardly knows you or who isn't really in you all the time... this is the thought that came to me today as i stared at the ceiling and walls and computer screen and space and did little else today... this is the first day i gave myself to just vegetation in a few years, more, even...

feels so weird cuz i used to do this all the time... now it's a luxury and without enough time, it's a dangerous precipice... especially without distractions like tv or communications... how lonely i must be somewhere deep inside after more than a decade... the music has played on and off all day, but it's the kind of day when the silence definitely speaks to me more than anything...

i have a very busy life, but it is all of my own creation from day to day... i have not had a busy life created by others around me, family, in a long long time... there is a huge difference between being needed by family and being busy with activities... both have advantages, but being without either feels like something is missing... no wonder i keep busy :}

i did write rhymes and upload stuff all over the place, which is a gift for me... i hope your days at home alone, if you have any, are not missing anything, but even if they are, i hope you find the fun :)

4:47 am

i sit here alone typing these words... no one home but me... the clock moves silently... and in the morning when the world wakes up i'm still alone... no hug, no kiss, no eye contact... no playful glance or plans with anyone... off to my day... no one to take care of or to care for me... no one to depend on or depending on me... except work... this is reality...

where are you?... what are you doing?... are you alone?... who is in your house?... and in the morning when the world wakes up are you alone?... hugs, kisses, eye contact?... play or glances to start your day?... plans to follow through on with a family?... anyone depend on you?... anyone care for you?... what is your reality?...

for us to relate to each other honestly we must accept the differences in our realities and understand the perspectives are influenced by those differences... and then we can match similarities and enjoy connections more deeply because we undertsnad the differences and are closer to each other for that...

if this doesn't make any sense to you, just write it off as the babblings of a lonely child who woke at 4:47 am and wanted to share something with someone, but no one was here...

good morning world

feeling a bit like batty from furngully (bbbzzzzst-ping), narf, the show must go on (life, ya know?) and i am contractually obligated by my own handshake to wake up and do my risk manager thing at the morning meeting every weekday morning at 8am... the bloat is a mazimum bloat level this morning (which is, typo or not, higher than maximum), the ribs ache, but are not stabbing too much, the apartment is more cluttered and semi-unpacked and i am a day closer to deciding to finally move in (or move out, if i wait long enough), and in spite of waking up alone, again, naturally, the mood is as bouncy happy as ever...

last night i renewed my phone service plan, adding rasputin, and upgraded phones... not sure i mentioned that in the babbling... wish i had more time for the babbling... and for social life... and for reading you guys... but at least i touch base here like the old kit (keeping in touch) philosophy was meant to be... i hope your day is the best day of the year (so far)... fill it with love and happiness, cuz you can :)

happy birthday j

happy birthday j

it seems like a lifetime ago
so many changes have come down
and yet i always wanted you to know
i always wanted to be around

so i wish i could say to you
i wish each and every day
that i could have been there for you
i'll still be here come what may

and each year i want to celebrate
i want big brass bands to play
for you are alive and in this world
happy birthday to you j

happy birthday mikey b

cuz you inspired me in your z0tl suit
playing with time and words in brevity
even as you were spinning round and round
in references that would get to me

i want to remember you
so i came here to say
happy birthday mikey b
happy birthday every day
especially today

happy birthday mishy

cuz i would hug you if you were here
cuz you're squishy, mishy, and i care
cuz you're adorable and family
and you always bring a smile

for your love and creativity
may your audience always roar
i say happy birthday mishy
and many, many more