maybe a nap

sitting around in the heat, whether at the beach or at home, is a sure way to slide into wanting a nap... after peanut butter and jelly for lunch, the urge to nap is even stranger... so it is time to put the computer aside and turn on the tv and take a nap with the ncis team...

happiness has a big head start on that nap...

waking before noon

this life of leisure is quite restful, though i feel a bit bloated today because i ate an after midnight dinner last night rich in fats (herring and sour cream)... oatmeal and flax seed for breakfast, whenever i get a little hungry (maybe an hour or two)... and get out to jog/walk at least a 2.5k today... cuz it is really getting late, alas...

and what is the date?... a day away from the... oh, this is sad... i look up solstice and find the first page is full of advertisements for sunglasses... i look up equinox and find a similar commercial override of information for cars and other stuff... i wonder if there is a search engine that has a no advertising filter... maybe an encyclopedia or wiki or dictionary... alas, the culture is so polluted with consumerism, we have forgotten the faces of our fathers, as roland would say...

though this curiosity might have some merit...

so scrolling down the page i find more pertinent information and of course i ask about the date because the mayan calendar ends tomorrow and there is all sorts of thoughts and prohesies and worries about the world ending (because without a human calendar keeping track of time, how can the world go on, right?... ahem)...

anyway, it would be nice to see some sort of enlightenment happen tomorrow at 11:12 (am) (or any time for that matter, really) and i shall set an alarm just to experience the moment cuz i am a very hopeful and curious being, ya know?...

not bad cooking

so i was looking at the kitchen and what was in it and deciding how to cook the cutlets and decided to make a spiced breading using ground flax seed... used some olive oil spray as a coating and to add flavor... and baked on a rack for 35 minutes at 375 degrees and yummy yummy yum... might have gotten away with 30 minutes as they were defrosted from the freezer and a few months in the freezer so they were a bit dryer to start with but juicy to eat cuz i didn't cook too long... and an hour later the muscles felt better, so is that psychological?... salt probably helped first...

glancing up at some sex shows on tv... the station is destination america and the shows are anatomy of sex and sex in america and a few others... a propagation of stereotypes and very sad quasi-science that supports the stereotypes... that's even worse... women want money before sex, men want sex, period... and men are turned on by violence and fear, women the opposite... my reactions are so much more feminine on many levels... and i stay out of those games stereotype mating games...

someday my princess will come and she won't play either :)

how quickly we fade

or age, as it is life that is fading... life, stamina, strength, resiliency, and will, at least, fade faster with each passing day... when i was in my teens i would write of how i read of people twice that age feeling like they were running uphill even on a flat surface and people three times that age accepting the inevitable sedentary life of middle age and beyond... i wondered why they did that and whether i would when i got there... and each year i wonder more why i am trudging uphill and laughing at the memories of relatively insatiable and endless energy youth... it's like gravity is getting stronger... perhaps it's the mayan calendar thing... oh sure, make jokes (but that's my way, the mttm, remember?... got to give myself the time to process and heal and then i will suddenly soar again... shhhh, am i telling secrets?)...

and the staring dog who just went out two hours ago, or less, is staring me down as if he's never been outside in his life... how quickly we lose the focus of regaining the concentration that creates the will to continue up the hill...

i just can't give myself (especially the physical, which is too easily injuried by distraction when attemting to push it past limits and i desperatly need to push past current limits because current limits are pathetic - yeah, pathetic, dangit) a few hours of undivided attention here... wah wah wah, i did mention i am pathetic, right?... but seriously consuela, i must do this survive... no, you take me out now...

he's like the maid on family guy, sheesh :}

in the middle of life

the roller coaster of life is spectacular when we allow the highs to take off without limits but the flip side of letting go allows the lows to come crashing down beyong the emotional pain thresholds most humans want to deal with, so most people hold back and learn how to appear to control their emotions through physical, emotional, and chemical distraction and therein pretend they are in control... but it's all a lie...

for the few who let the roller coaster roll where it will go, the survival rate is not so great... many hit lows and skip way off the tracks and end up dead... and then there's me... i just feel it all at once all the time and in the midst of bliss can feel the tears... awareness is a bitch, ya know?...

giving stuff, buying stuff for people into stuff is a rush, a thrill, an addiction... it gives me a sense of worth and a rush of joy... the only rub is when the gifts given are not appreciated openly because guilt or something keeps someone from being honest about how much they appreciate it, or something like that... but i love to give so i buy and give even when it's not so wise (like when i am not working)...

so i don't want to think about how much money i spent even as i enjoyed spending it and i know must set some more limits, even during this gift-giving season (but i don't and never have and why start now?... cuz work gets harder to find as the years pass and the rent still needs to be paid and i gave away all my retirement savings and nobody is going to take care of me when i get feeble... why am i answering the question, anyway?... cuz i look at life from both sides now and all the time, remember?)...

yeah, logic, sensibleness, responsibility, and the reality of life, aging, and living a long time... where's the fun in that? (snark)...

ah, perhaps i will find more will power tomorrow...

sorting through profiles

i am bored with the process already, but i found dozens of profiles of me on line, many dozens, actually, and a lot of them i did not create and a lot of them want money to see the "full profile" and that's just wrong... of course that is capitalism, but if someone is putting information about me out into the public view, i should be able to see that information and have the right to correct any mistakes or contend any false information... even google should have some culpability since they provide a service to find my information... there ought to be a law that gives each of us that right...

congress, make it so...

am i so strange?

rhetorically asking, of course, cuz even if you were to answer this one particular question out of all the questions and entries overlooked, the answer is of course, depending on perspective... i mean, people are strange, especially when perspectives are different and isn't life strange? anyway?... musical references aside, is it so strange to want something like this to mean something wonderful profound and/or meaningful to someone?... or this (this?... or this, even (or odd, depending on perspective)... yeah, collections, history, me in all sorts of different costumes and customs... isn't anybody going to listen to my story...

at least i have the music :)

no harmony for me

the eharmony report based on the 29 points of my profile is on yet another bloh... oh, did i mean blog?... or perhaps blah? lol lam... anyway, that may be autobiographical and may be something else cuz i have no intention of adding anything to it at the moment except the rest of the eharmony profile if i find time for copying and pasting... i know it belongs in the intros in the bios, but i don't have patience to format a page and configure an ftp program (or download one, for that matter), so it is where it is... meanwhile, they sent me two dozen emails already and there are twenty or so "matches" that i cannot contact after tonight, but without a face or detailed information (twenty words is not enough), there's not going to be any initial contact on my part... so it is a come on, worthless for me... but it was interesting to take their psycho-quiz and see the results... and someday, when my princess, comes, she'll wanna know (and this one time, at band camp... :)

in the slightly more tangible world, i slept inconsistently this weekend cuz happiness is an insatiable attention sponge who is constantly begging and waking from a nap at 11pmish to walk him wakes me up and then i'm up the rest of the night... his schedule is so not nocturnal (whereas mine, well, you know) and trying to stay home and rest was not too effective, so while it was a long happiness filled weekend but i could use a day off :)

hope you had fun too :)

time goes by too fast

yeah, a harry chapin song comes to mind and i've been off in my own little world (mind) but this time i might remember a bit more than last time cuz i recall downloading and uploading dozens of videos to the pop news blog that i know everyone just loves to enjoy...

someday :)

it's good to be delusional, as long as the delusions are hurting or condemning anyone, ya know... so otherwise, jackson is off to chicago and it's just me and happiness for the next week or so and i head back to work tomorrow (alas) and i shall find a way to carry the wonderful remembering to explore my own head back with me into the mad mad mad mad (etc) world...

hope you've been great (and now too :)

sighs and smiles

eating a little too much of the foods i love has me bloated mostly cuz i am so deeply tired and feeling a fair measure of the deepest kind of loneliness (and the neediness of happiness is distrating and the blowing out of magic is sad) and it all adds up to the ocerall imbalance of a life dominated by work with a good measure of play, but zerop intimacy and personal comfort for a very long time... most of this life, actually... sigh...

still, the joy of life and being me inspires the smiles (usually nobody understands these smiles, but that's ok cuz they are not dependent on anything outside of me)... all that is missing is someone who understands and shares this experience and the hope that someone exists in the real who will share that with me someday keeps the smile alive outside of my head as well :)

daily chores

not that i enjoy them, but i wish there was time for them... most days no chores get done at all, which lets them pile up and pile up and (multiply by fifty and then some) and then i am exhausted on saturday and only want to lay around and rest (and the body needs it) and then sunday i play softball from morning till dark (sometimes less depending on the game times) and then the aily work week starts again so...

two loads of wash are happening (though one is waiting for the dryer, so we're a long way from completing two loads) and about 10% of the boxes were unpacked (though that does not mean the contents are all put away where they will be when i decide where they will be... just too tired to think today) and i can walk into the closet and i cleaned the week's trash and showered long and hot and so, a minor dent in the unpacking and a substantial dent in the laundry and a clean place to live happened today...

in about an hour i am heading to jackson's to go to dinner at her favorite pizza restaurant to celebrate our birthdays (which are six days apart), then we'll decide if we are going to the game night, then jackson and happiness will spend the night so happiness (the friendliest dog alive) can start getting used to the place...

yes, i know, a fascinating life... and you wondered why you rush home to read about it every night, aye? :)

enjoy yours too :)

early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

to all ships at sea

and anyone keeping in touch or interested in what's going on in the daily wanderings i loosely call my life... i might have been done by now, but instead, i've dragged my feet for weeks and today included and watched most of the superbowl and so, there's still more packing to do... all night, perhaps, with a deadline of 7am so i can shower and get to work to do orientation training... i should be home by 10am, which will give me an hour or so before the maintenance inspection and another hour or so before the movers get here... it's so exciting to be wondering if i am going to get it all done on time...

the oven is going through it's clean cycle... hopefully it does not set off the seriously sensitive smoke alarm in the middle of the night... i need two large burner trays to replace those cuz i only have small ones, which means i must have used the big new ones somewhere along the way... or gave them away... so a trip out to the store is going to be part of the morning trip to work... by then i should have everything done... and get wrinkly hands, since i must have given away my gloves too...

am i getting tired?... yup... am i getting lonely again?... yup... do i wish someone was here to help, or at least to keep me company?... yup... am i going back to packing and cleaning now?... yup...

lol lam narf :)

for show (and tell)

not just the show, though that is certainly a bit of the story, as is individuality, but the story of this life that most of what is done by people is done for show… even here in e-the-real, I write real thoughts about real life for show in the hope somebody will care to know what is going on in my life, moment to moment… day after day… week after week… year after year (I know, months too)… cuz I want to care and be cared about moment to moment, etc…

the most real show is showing each other we care about each other… and I’ll be here, or somewhere, when you finally show :)

yay (mostly)

i finally found my way to the bed when i woke from my name around midnight last night... and so the sleep was about four hours from eightish to midnightish and then from then till a little bit ago (don't you just love the clarity i provide to time?... like swiss precision watches, with the ish factor) and i showered and shampooed and conditioned and rinsed and even repeated! (as opposed to jump under the water and rushed through the process) and now i am on time for my early meeting with the lawyers from miami with some breathing room, so yay...

the mostly part is that there was almost no exploring of facebook and other online stuff last night, which is the same as about 350 days out of the 365 days last year, but the past three nights i was up most of the night exploring and i realized i still enjoy that (it's been years, but i used to wander around the web a lot for hours on end, after all, have you never visted my myspace?... i just don't have time to read comments and communicate the way i used to (there are about a thousand unread messages there in my mailbox), no less browse as i did when i was babbling behind the candoor or before or before that even), alas, i miss it but life offline is way too busy to be spending hours a day online...

it was nice to stay up three nights in a row and feel the thrill of exploring again and sure enough, i found some people i had been searching for every time i did an extended web browsing searching wandering and one actually responded, though i am not she if i am remembered yet... spooky to wander through ancient memories like that and yet, so very deep-sigh-high too... so yay (mostly) cuz balance is good, but more time would be even better :)

can i go home now? :)

suddenly, a 4:37am

i found myself eating a fish sandwich and drinking juicy juice cherry and hoping the microwave cooked the fish enough so i do not get food poisoning, which is not a thought i'd like to actualize today...

and now i should sleep a bit, even though i just ate, because a few hours from now i do need to get a whole lot of mentally challenging work done... well, maybe not so challenging as it is draining, or maybe simply occupying yes, mentally occupying is the right term... never mind all the other terms now... think: polymath!

i spent the last four hours or so on facebook joining groups, fanning pages, adding friends, and leaving the random comment... listening to music on youtube too... and enjoying the hopes and dreams and inspirations and random smiles i found along the way... hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing tonight too :)

and so i did

as you might discover if you found one of my latest new blogs, meaningless complaints, i felt inspired to explore blog names tonight and found so many wonderful blog names have died untimely deaths along the way because people just don't seem to respect the written word or posterity (or the illusion of permanence) much these days... once upon a time, it was different...

anyway, i did have much fun with myself tonight and babbling on and on and on and cleaned some and there are new blogs out there, some on the horizon, some down the road, some already kicking off their first entries and then some... i'll update the lists on the right of RealTime one of these days, until then, it's our little secret...

softball in the morning, possibly below freezing temperatures (no running for me, that's for sure), so sleep would be good tonight... i hope you are having fun with yourself too :)

eve-n now

if may be new years eve for most of the world, but it is a bittersweet memory for me for oh so many reasons that i will not get into at the moment cuz the mood is not here and the time is not here and i am not here, but still, somewhere deep down buried by time and confusion and way too many scars, there is something magical...

happy birthday mel

all through the nights

yes, the real is quite full of emo tonight... and to think, i almost slept through it, but something woke me and the sleep went away and i found magic and the timing could not have been better as i am off tomorrow so the night calls and i answer... and the words flow... and the only things that could make the night better is a return to optimal physical balance and to share it all with the one...

all through the nights, the dream survives...

and that's the realest of them all :)

memories

the sound of music flashes on before my eyes (cuz my fingers press the remote, it's not magic) and the flash-backs to some of the most wonderful sharings of this life fill my head with misty memories (and my eyes with warm fuzzies)... this is when i miss sharing intimacy most, when i feel the wonderful emo that lives in memories cuz as much as life is a celebration for me every moment, the intensity of sharing intimacy does increase the visceral experience exponentially... the best thing about this moment, besides the feelings, is the fact that i can still feel them even after all this time (after all these years, too :)

do it again?... wouldn't it be nice...