frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}