of course i don't always believe that and i know, from medical and biological and chemical trainings and more, from life experience, that sleep is vital to clarity and conscious awareness and optimal functioning of brain cells and the body, so i suppose i mean that sleeping at night in the normal human circadian rhythm is overrated... i sleep best exhausted as the sun rises after a night of debauchery, or actually, a night of sharing intimacy and silliness and honesty whether through written words when i am alone or through all of the senses when i am with someone who can share with all of the senses... the night, the quiet time, the darkness, that is my home...
so here we are again long after i could have and should have let the eyes close... i was watching tv with jackson back then and i absorb the few hours of shared space with her as much as possible because, while on one level it actually increases a sense of loneliness, on basic levels (and supervisial levels) it reducses the sense of aloneness which is also loneliness... it seems to do the same for her as she seeks sharing space with me and the tv when she is most vulnerable, even if she prefers silence to acknowledging it... it could also be, at least in part, because i am old enough to be her dad but then, i don't know if the superficial silence she shares is the same for all of her friends and she does hang with several others on a regular basis and much more actively seeks (and finds) intimate relationships, but then, she so wants to love and be loved... i remember wanting that enough to dive into strangers as she does, but i've all but given up such dives it seems... waiting for the right one to come along, and so it goes...
crying on the inside does not let anyone else know
and not out of some manly rule of being strong or not letting go
but sadly due to loss of faith in the human show
and i wonder if i'll ever trust again
and i wonder if i'll ever fall in love again
that was once all i lived for but now it may be a closed door
now i wonder if i'll ever find a friend
unconditional trust may have come to a final end
and unconditional love on earth not somewhere up above
that was once all i dreamed of, can i dream again
i hope with all i am i can dream again
well tripity trip trip trop, aye?...