feelings are such real things

yeah, feelings... the title reference, if you don't get it, is to a song from free to be you and me and that's the only clue you get cuz i've got to have some fun teasing even today... feeling very (extremely) alone and down today... painfully, even...

while i am comfortable alone, it is sad to the ache when i have challenges like i have today and no one to bounce thoughts off... leading to the feeling... but the way to get through is to find clarity without letting feeling get in the way, to find rational thought and explore all the possibilities available and then the make best decisions possible...

the reality of pending no income is scary... the lack of appreciation and respect from a job i gave my best to for more than 11 years is hurting... the fact that i have many successes and high level professional and personal references helps a little, but doesn't change the scary...

so maybe some self-assessment will help... finances, money, the way the world is set up - i've always hated it and never spent much time thinking about it... most of this life i've lived way more comfortably than others in this luxury-oriented country and much more comfortably than most of the people in this world... and for brief periods i gave away everything and ended up literally on the street...

sharing life with jackson changes my choices... she couldn't afford this space without me so i must find income and seriously cut down on expenses... that motivation will hopefully keep me off the streets which is probably a good thing, but adds to the pressure big time... my choice however, without question, i would rather stay here with jackson than leave her hanging and leave orlando and risk the street life again... limiting the job search to orlando makes prospects much lower and with the cost of gas and an old car, could raise expenses which cannot be met... the loss of income could not have come at a worse time...

looking at some details... really bad timing... over $4000 on my primary credit card and usually keep that under $2000... and savings is at the lowest ebb it's been in the last 9 years... the market for jobs paying what i've been getting for the past five years doesn't seem to exist in oorlando... so going down the scale, over $25 an hour is nearly non-existent... over $20 is just as bad... over $15 is very minimal... i could not meet my own monthly bills under $15 an hour... breaking point is hopefully the end of the summer, but hopefully that is conservative... scary... and those i help financially each month (beyond jackson) are not in a position to take over the bills i pay for them... not the perfect storm, but not a dengerous one...

not a pretty picture, but nothing that another steady decent paying job won't go a long way to resolving... moving closer to the job in february is a good possibility... surviving until the new job is found and then until february, that is the challenge...

feelings make all this rational thinking (and i hope it's rational) much more challenging...