well, maybe... it explains something, anyway... i wrote this to an old friend who used to share intimate correspondence for a couple of years and also intimate daily life in physical space for a couple of years cuz i was feeling lonely and wanted to explore why i write so much...
last year after the job suddenly was pulled out from under me in june i started writing more often in (e)thereal partly because i had much more time and partly because i was lonelier and hope for some sort of meaningful connection and correspondence might happen and partly because i saw the statistics for that blog suddenly going up for no apparent reason and ego loves the numbers that suggest popularity even though they are just robots scanning the web and not real people... also, around that time, i started a half dozen other blogs with the idea that one of them might become a new daily blog and the others would keep the daily blog and (e)thereal from being flooded with the whining and complaining and poor-me craps that comes out most every day between the optimistic hopefulness...
and the flood of entries, sometimes a dozen a day or more, continued increasing through the year and into this new year... now that you have found your way back, i realize that part of the flood of entries was inspired by my dream of sharing everything with the one or someone or anyone who cares and the little kid was setting up me being able to say ha ha look at all you've missed and also, i dare you to try to catch up on all this even beyond (e)thereal lololol so i can at once feel the hope that someone might and simultaneously feel the despair that nobody ever will... since you are one of the caring who knows the dreams, you remind me of this sneaky motivation to continue flooding the web with mundane details and irreverent bits of this, that, and whatever, including me...
but still, the primary motivation is to stay in touch with myself and the hope that someone will share more, like share life every day, and i did not think i would continue as long as i have, but it's still going... this week, however, i find some slacking and less motivation to flood an entry every hour or even every two... these lulls have come and gone before during the rather manic writing phase and the inevitable question of worth rises as i ponder the why and what's the point? and even the am i hurting or helping my chances of finding friends and the one by being so openly babbly and vulnerable and ridiculous and irreverent and obscure and silly and emo out here?...
of course the critical worth, like can any of this, properly edited, sell? also rises during these mini-lulls, but someday my editor (and princess and exercise partner and lover and music partner and all the rest will come, right) will come and we'll find the wealth in the babble and live happily ever after on the income from my babbling and his/her editing process... but this is not high on the list of why i write so much or questions of worth and such...
anyway, in past entries i touched upon the sadness and challenge of aging and the loneliness of not sharing daily life as much as i'd like to... jackson isn't home as much, totally understandably and right cuz she's in love, so the loneliness increased over the past month or two... or few... the not playing softball increased it even more in the last few weeks... and yet, i am settled on the acceptance that humans suck and i don't see any close to being able to trust with intimacy and my heart anywhere... but there's always hope, right?... hello? lol lam sigh :)
still, i do continue writing and sharing daily life as much as i can and i wish i had a friend who paid attention to me and gave me feedback on the ups and downs and thoughts and feelings and experiences that pass through me into words in the daily blog...
anyway, i thank you for reminding me in memories of what sharing was once like in words and reinforcing the reason i continue writing writing writing until my fingers and shoulders and neck ache...
back to my blog now, with hope in my heart (cue song lol lam :)
No comments:
Post a Comment