not sleeping

thinking, the brain is thinking... considering the possibility, the what if i am not able to find a reasonable income in this town in the next few months... would i be paranoid to think i have been black balled - and can a single vindictive ceo manipulate his position enough to hide his wrongs enough to do it?... if it was not a paranoid though would it be keeping me awake?... oh aren't i the cheery one tonight, aye gov'ner?...

considering i just signed another year long lease, the prospect of staying here without stable income presents a challenge i would rather not face and the possibility of not finding sufficient income is not one i'd like to consider high on the probability scale, so to speak... and conversations today reminded me that i have no one to even discuss this with, no less turn to for help if i needed help... i have people around who love me, but most if not all are financially strapped and a few are even somewhat financially dependent on me... so not even the reassurance of a rational discussion of the real world challenges, alas, alone again, naturally...

and is it all just rhetoric anyway? :}