killing optimism

maybe it is just me, but life, well, has not been feeding optimism too well... adopted by two people to save a marriage that failed six months later... blamed before i understood what responsibility was... no one around knew how to share honesty, no less sensitivity or empathy... so i learned to be alone... messed up the loves of my life repeatedly giving unconditional trust and finding, again and again, no one who could return it... maybe i set myself up because i never believed i deserve to be loved... used and abused, left on the street more than once after giving everything to a partner or friend... burned by three jobs with terminations without warning or cause... do i subconsciously self-destruct due to some deep-rooted need to prove the world is cruel and i don't belong in it just because i felt unwanted from birth?... self-analysis is often as worthless and [insert worthless analogous example]... really, what do you think?... anyone?... anyone?... bueller?...

if i keep diving deeper into distraction, perhaps someone will find the optimism i am trying to save...

or something like that... ... ... don't cry, shopgirl...

narf :}