let my defenses down

yes, i let my defenses down and got sloppy and brought this on myself... the most foolish thing i have done in many years and it could not come at a worse point in this life... i just got tired again... i burned myself out again... trying to please, trying to do too much... if i can find a way to survive financially, i just want a job that is not going to ask me to play the corporate games anymore... less responsibility... less politics... i haven't had a job with any job security since 1990 and i left that job to move to florida... one of the worst financial moves i've ever made (and i've made some amazingly generous moves that were not good for my wallet along the way, but you know that if you've read me)... i had a great opportunity with a decent company and blew it by letting myself burn out, so now i am stressing... i have not been able to save much in the past decade, especially the last seven years, because i supported others and treated others and spent a lot... $200 on tickets for four friends to a show... $100 for dinner last week for jackson and me... i am always treating because i enjoy buying things for others... something from my childhood, giving gifts is love, giving gifts gives me a stronger sense of self-worth, but also the feeling i get when i give is wonderful...

and yet, the results have not been so great... people don't give back much... i don't give to receive, but i am left with less than i need now... i must cut expenses dramatically this month... and find income...

i am spiraling again...

nuff...