potential

for anyone interested, this being (e)thereal, well, the real is you can find much more about me, i mean, if you really want to know me, you could just ask... but then, it could be i am still discovering myself and still have not expressed myself in words as clearly as needed to truly understand myself... or perhaps i did a long time ago and i am just waiting for someone to notice, understand, and want to talk about it... or perhaps i am waiting for the one who can solve the riddle, provide the proof i nee (whatever that is), and it really doesn't matter to anybody else... there is so much potential in this life, but so much is not actualized because, in spite of the best of intentions, follow through seldom happens... i probably fit right in with that failure mode so i am not that different, but there are unique aspects of my experience and mindset and beliefs that set me apart from everyone i meet... not better or worse, just apart... and that sucks (here and there) when i want to share...

whatever truth may be (verily?), we only see what we want to see and we believe what we want to believe... and whatever we believe, until we share it, it is all in our mind... illusions are all i have when it comes to unconditional love and especially when it comes to unconditional trust... and for better or worse, i've known wonderful love and trust and tested it consciously and unconsciously and never did it reach unconditional... that is one of the most unique aspects of my experience and perspective and it leaves me feeling so alone in this culture... maybe that's just because it's something nobody talks about... but i'm talking... anybody else?...

giving it all has left me alone and unable to support myself independently as i would like to... at least for now... so i must head to bed and wake and continue sending out resumes and then i must follow through on finding the emails if and when anyone responds and then must follow through and set up interviews and get my suits ready to be worn (hope i fit into at least one) and get out of the funk so i do well in interviews and have hope of finding a job that will allow me to support myself independently and still be ready to find another roommate as challenging and unpleasant and scary as that can be and most of all, find a friend i can talk to about all this, the real life, and heart of my matter and what dreams may come...

or something like that...

narf...