money stress, self-doubt, and fuel for a pity-party

while i've got enough saved to pay rent and bills for a year or two without income, especially if i have a roommate sharing at least some of the bills, i certainly don't want to reduce my savings too much at this point in life as i did in previous decades)... and lamenting about how much more savings i'd have if i didn't give the hundreds of thousands i gave away over the years is pointless at this point... ultimately, for me at least, the benefit of having someone to care for has always overridden the cost of helping support someone... parenting is my natural vocation, after all... and i can give a lot easier when i have someone sharing some of the bills...

this week in particular, i am wishing i was not as alone as i am... i am lucky to have jackson on most levels, even if we don't have too many serious talks... and though it might be time to move on from this area to try another area if not for her, yet i wonder if would she really want me to... she so rarely (if ever) actually expresses what she really wants... i think it's because she does not think she deserves someone caring about her... or maybe it's just she does not want to feel obligated to me... i definitely don't want to think about being a burden on her (or anyone)... she deals with guilt so poorly and i definitely do not want guilt to hold her back from moving on with her life... maybe it is just me (oh pity party fuel for sure, maybe i am simply not worth loving and trusting and getting close to... i used to have best friends, i think)...

i miss having a friend who is really interested in knowing me... someone who wants to know my highest highes and lowest lows and all the roller coaster experiences i can remember in this life... i wrote a lot of them down and the stories sit in boxes up north, writings i have not seen in more than twenty years... and music that mean so much... someone who wanted me to sing with or to them... and dreams, someone who wanted to know my dreamed, albeit they may be more fantasies that will not happen in this life at this point, the heart's desires and wouldn't it be cool stuff of dreams... do most people clam up and stop sharing the depths and details as they get older or is it just my isolationist choices that give me this experience... i wonder...

is there anybody going to listen to my story?...

narf...