stupendalicious

not quite supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but getting there... as the night gets deeper (or is that me) the dichotomy expands (is that what the universe does?... we'll ask carl sagan when we see him again) and reaches for extremes and then beyond... there is no reason beyond the moment, though much motivation can be found in memories and dreams and hopes for tomorrow... credit karma just told me my auto credit score is 843, whatever that means... i think they were trying to sell me something... if there was a way to get an accurate credit score and report for free i'd get it, or them since there are three different companies judging credit... but the free score seems more like a come on for a complete credit report... that has nothing to do with whatever the point of this entry might have been, or perhaps it does as judgment determines so much in this world... as does money... financial status... our value is so judged by our spending power by most of the world... and i remain torn between pure existential ethereal freedom, living without possessions wherever the wind might take me and trying to fit into the human culture, the happy idiot struggling for the legal tender... so goes the material world dichotomy, but there is so much more...

i have never been more alone in this world... no one knows me, not the real me deep down... and i've learned to be so inconsistent, i baffle those who come near... no one gets close, for the ones i allow close fear too much... or perhaps everyone fears too much... i have never been more comfortable being alone in this world... i have never been as content and happy within myself as i am now... the hunger to share remains, as does the loneliness, yet the desperation to find someone is all but gone... if she arrives, the dream will come true... if not, i enjoy the moment and myself...

that is the best i can do and life is stupendalicious knowing i am doing the best i can do... wishing i can share it all, knowing i enjoy it all one stupendalicious moment at a time :)