maybe it's the first of december

the saddest day of the year on my personal calendar... so maybe that's why i felt like death was nearby earlier today... imagination or sensory reality?... who knows?... cares?... is everything illusion?... feels so real... maybe it really is because i feel things... is empathy real?... i always thought so... so maybe the chest pains were my sensing happiness having heart murmur distress today and jackson having an anxiety attack... psychic long distance empathy is a better explanation than a mini-heart attack, right?... carefree casual irreverence to the last drop, obviously?... ah, but alas and sigh (maybe even some alack), today is the anniversary of the saddest moments known in this life... such sadness that was immortalized in obscure rhymes sent through the mail all those years ago (whatever did she do with them, only she knows, if she even remembers) and still more rhymes in dreams and laments buried in storage for decades and even more lost on servers (likely erased by the giant corporations that blocked my access suddenly because they did not want to maintain their personal website spaces), all so sad as well, but not as sad as the girl at the window in the freezing rain... so long ago, and the pain still burns deeper than imagination... i wonder if it can be seen...

end of the innocence