life is like that

i miss my tom chapin cds... i bought all of his cds at his concerts three times, maybe four... had him autograph them every time and then, gave them away as presents to kids in my life over the years... souvenirs... collectors items... great music... even better memories... alas, so many memories shared by so many wonderful people who are no longer sharing daily life... sharing intense emotions does that sometimes (too often in my experience with humans)... people seem to find it challenging to keep in touch are sharing hyperly intense emotions... or maybe it is just my individual experience as i live an extremely in-the-moment life while pausing only now and then to reflect... or maybe i am just so eclectically random that i pause too long or lose the contact in chaos... or maybe the people i have known just don't want to keep in touch with me... or their past... or the intensity... or whatever... a whole lot of whatever in this life with humans... but life is like that, like tom said...

facing mortality, especially facing the supposed medical likelihood that i could quite suddenly at die at any moment, has me reminiscing and wishing for closure and wishing the pieces of this life that i prepared to be reminders for me as life comes to a close were around now... and the people who said they cared, people i believed in, i wish they were in touch... i'd settle for listening to the music i loved, the tapes i made to represent me (and remind me of the ideal i set for myself... and help me continue striving for it and actualizing it)... wishing i had the tools i created to be all i could be and sad that those i trusted with them stopped maintaining contact with me without returning them... cutting me off from my writings and music shows me they really had no clue how important those books and tapes were to me and suggest they don't really care about me... if they did, i'd not be longing for what they kept so much... and i'd not be without my tools... trusting them with the only copies was a mistake...

and life is like that, at least the life i've lived so far... will i find someone before i die who, given trust unconditionally, will not betray it?... only time will tell... and life is like that too...

narf :}