must regain balance

taking care of jackson does add challenge to the changes i want to make as cooking pasta and cheese for her presents me with pasta and cheese for me and that is not what i need this first couple of weeks of change, but i ate pasta and cheese for the first time in eight days tonight (actually after 10pm, never mind the time stamp) and if jackson was not here i would have been asleep a few hours ago and not eaten anything tonight... not anybody's responsibility but my own, but i just need to deal with the added temptation and responsibility of helping others at home while avoiding the temptations... yeah, so i am berating myself a bit for not returning to the strictness of dietary management today that i was hoping i would return to... and she just went to bed so the waking up to help her stay awake and focus on work was not exactly needed even though she asked me to do it and she will beat herself up with a guilt trip if she reads this (so stop reading it silly - or better yet, stop choosing to let self-inflicted guilt trips push people away (cuz that hurts) and help you avoid reality and demand that those around ignore reality and deny what is actually happening too)... bottom line, i am responsible for me and my choices and must find the balance because i love to help and care for others and i also need to change habits and drop weight...

exercise too, definitely must get back to exercise... buying an elliptical would be wise (in every way except for the budget)... sleep would be great, but the late night pasta/cheese has me kinda wired since i have not had carbs or fat all week... wish it was yesterday so i could stay up all night... back to the office tomorrow and so much to do, but at least i did not go in, online or off, this week... just some phone calls and texts, but not a whole lot of work time this weekend...

of course now, after pasta, i want chocolate...

grump...