what i do is

among other things, that is, but one thing i do rather consistently is ramble, babble, write without limit or inhibition... it is a secret language, a world within words that is at once my playground and sanctuary and therapy and process and so often through this life i left myself behind in words just to try to fit in to the human culture, just to be accepted as just another imperfect fool needing help from just another imperfect fool because nobody wants a perfect fool (are you even paying attention?) who understands and accepts and actualizes being part of everything with an awareness of all that can be perceived within the human spectrum and beyond, some intuitive knowledge, genetic memory of being part of everything (awareness does not change what is, awareness only allows us to experience it more consciously)...

or something like that...

losing myself in the foibles of human weakness, i can give credit to another for improving me, helping me be a better person, and even for saving me... people like to be saved, it seems, so i play the part too...

among other things...

narf :)

sleep demands

there are time when sleep calls and other times when sleep demands attention, this is one of those times when sleep has a gun to my head and will not take no for an answer so i missed much of the tv show that was on in the background and the neck is starting to cramp and the focus is waning and the eyes are closing and that's what sleep's all about...

any other demands or requests?...

zzzzzzz...

narf :)

wish you would have known me when

yes, i can easily sing this song (even if i never write it again) but then, i do not seem to want the wish enough to even write about it, no less do anything to make the wish come true and it is within my power, even if it requires another (the one) to independently join in three part harmony (at least)... stop me when you have an inkling of understanding, or just want to respond, even... back then, whenever when was, i was consciously aware... these days i've returned to the sleep walk most of the time (and that affects my performance at work and everywhere else allowing misunderstanding and conflict due to imprecise communication that creates confusion as thoughts meander and people follow... once upon a time i would not let people get as lost as i do today, but then, i am getting lost by choice, so it is as it is)...

sleep interupts, more later, perhaps...

narf :)

once again i wandered away

i wander away once again into some sort of silence or something like that not that i make much noise as i write but i mean silence in that there are no words uploaded here every day and then sometimes like these i may be absent for a week or more, but you may never know if you do not visit daily as so few tend to do anymore (three followers here, seventeen over there and many more, once upon a time, on some of the other blogs that call me papa... or momma, for that matter... but the silence, yes... so often it is a good thing, a sign of peace and contentment and readiness to move on to another plane of existence, if there is one... and yet, sometimes it is a sign of dysfunction, displeasure, or some other disjointed thought process that leads to thinking errors and behavioral inconsistencies and misperceptions and diminished awareness and sometimes, over-eating brought on by sensual hungers and weakened will power... there is no escape, there is only waking up...

but then, as i may have alluded to moments ago, you might never know for the processes fill in the gaps until there are few and those few are brief, or so it appears once there are few...

do you narf? :)

people in real life

we call it real life... the daily motion through time and space we take so for granted... waking, washing, dressing, eating, commuting, working, communicating, thinking, feeling, succeeding, failing, playing, resting, sleeping, and waking to repeat it all again... not everyone does all of that every day, at least not consciously, and most do much more if we use more words and refine definitions, but essentially we move through time and space and call it life, real in the real world... the distinction, i suppose, between real life and life became more pronounced and perhaps even more necessary with the advent of the internet as so many online create a persona that is not in line with who they are off line... in any case, people are not always what they (or we) appear to be in different environments, even in different offline environments... are we really the same at work as we are in bed?... or even anywhere away from work, most people tend to act differently to satisfy the expectations of the environment... so when are we in real life?... and when are we really really ourselves?...

well if we define real life, at least for the moment for the purpose in this blog (whatever that is), as the daily physical life in the immediate environment and we define the immediate environment say within twenty or thirty feet of each of us, then the people in real life are few for many of us... for me, there are a hundred or so at work and another dozen or so at stores or places i go, but if we refine real life to the personal life, the life away from financial obligations and transactions, then people in real life become those we live and play with in our daily motion through time and space and most of them may be family or roommates which, even in the best of cases, still brings some obligations so if we reduce the real life to the moments we share without any obligation at all, we come to those we choose to have in our larger personal space (that twenty to thirty foot circle) simply because we want them there... and then there is personal space which, if we can agree, is defined as space within reach, say 2-3 feet around our body, and many of us have no one in that space on any regular basis... most people choose monogamy in such desired relationships so most of us have either one or zero people in in real life when real is defined as pure desire without any obligations or strings attached... real life broken down to ones and zeros, how in the world (real or not) did we come back around to this sharing we are doing on our computers... rhetorically, no doubt...

most people in the real life of daily motion even including all physical world interactions do not even know this blog exists... it is possible no one in that concept or construct of real life actually knows i write all these words in this or any blog almost every day... that seems so strange on some levels because i may be most real right here in these words and nobody in what we commonly refer to as real life knows it... so does that mean nobody in real life knows me?... seems logical, but so sad...

i wonder if it is the same for you or others... i wonder if we just not care to really know each other or if we are too busy or if we are afraid or if we just don't know how... or maybe there is no answer... i could be wrong from the first premise and have built a seemingly logical line of thought that is no more than a house of imaginary cards that will blow away in an imaginary wind... or an electronic wind, for that matter, since in the real world what you are reading is a collection of electronic pulses, ones and zeros, here only as long as an electromagnetic storm/force doesn't come along and erase it all... but isn't that what this life is about anyway anywhere?... we live, we die, we are here, we are gone in the blink of an eye... and we do it alone in these individual bodies... that's real life... people in real life are separate and our sharing, being together is an illusion we choose to share, an illusion that can disappear in a moment for any number of reasons and will disappear in a moment sooner or later... maybe that is why so many do not take the chance, the risk, the leap of faith to create the illusion because illusion or not, the feeling of loss when someone who shared real life is gone is no less painful even knowing it was all illusion...

i didn't start out to philosophize... i just was thinking of how people in real life do not even know i exist in this blog... yet you do... so you are more real here than people in real life even if we've never met or even shared a word here or anywhere... words online expressing who we are must have some place in what we define as real life for us as knowledge, knowing each other, that is how we know we are really real... confirming it in the daily motion, in the physical sharing, that validates the knowledge, but unless the words lie, the knowledge is still as true with our without the physical evidence... all we need do is believe... as we do in real life... and if everything is shared illusion anyway, well, we are sharing real life right here and now if we want to... anyone who wants to, here it is...

or something like that :)

reluctant softball

i sit here glancing up at the clock reluctant to head out to watch the team we will play today in a couple of hours because last week i did that and filled the coach in on how they were playing (since he got there moments before the game) and he disregarded everything i told him about where to position players on the field and we lost... our team didn't warm up and were cold, hitting poorly, fielding poorly, sad... the other team had only won a couple of games and were just run-ruled in the game before, but they were warmed up and wanted to win... we obviously didn't... so we didn't... so this week i am reluctant to invest my time, evergy, and belief in the team as being disregarded last week frustrated me and affected the way i played which probably affected the way the team played... so it seems better when i arrive on time with no preparations and no expectations and just let the chips fall where they may, but then, my expectation is a loss because an unprepared team will lose more than win...

alas... sigh... narf...

seriously, no one?

the ridiculousness of this journey through cyberspace i've been on for more than two decades in search of the one and love and respect and honesty and communication and attention and appreciation and more still coming to this point of wondering why i keep this promise to continue writing and reaching out and hoping and believing the one will come along and find all this and appreciate every keystroke and every penstroke that came before the internet because that is what i came into this world to do and even if it does not happen in this life i know that i was true to this glorious quest so my heart will be peaceful and calm when this body is laid to rest and the world will be better for this, even if no one ever knows... focus...


and it may not happen until bathtubs fly, or later, even, but it will, no doubt...

and narf too :)

and i was doing so well

on the path to lighter healthier fitter faster stronger and all that jazz in the physical body world and lately i've forgotten the face of my father (impossible, actually, because i never knew him, but it's a metaphor and if you can tell me the source of the words you might just win a prize of your choice amongst the many prizes available in the physical spaces but of course you would have to actually be in the physical spaces and know the source and prove you did not look it up on the internet which is impossible, but you might still be eligible for the consolation prize if you answer any number of other trivia {but not trivial} questions with or without clothes on {bonus point for one or the other depending on a carefully unexplanable series of sensory inputs and instinctive intuitions or something like that} so man up {or woman up} world, the game is afoot)... and tonight, rebirthed with self-discipline, i almost made it to the promised land but impulse destroyed the journey even more suddenly than it began and the belly full but me hungry and i don't mean baltimore, but that's beside the point, sad as it is, so what did you miss?...

days later, this appears...

narf :)

not here

i must remember that i have a hundred other blogs (or more) for a hundred other reasons (or more) and that allows me to compartmentalize the many diverse aspects and perspectives and experiences and moods and emotions and lives i live in this life so i can cleanse my mind and allow the best of me to shine through when it is needed most... i mean the very title of this one reminds me of how silly complaining is and yet i find the complaining habit somewhat pleasurable probebly because i have been alone for so long and the dream of falling in love forever and sharing this life with someone (once upon a time, creating a family was part of that dream) has all but passed and there is that part of me who wants to complain all the time cuz good dreams don't come cheap and dreams die hard when they don't come true... and being alone, i have way too much time to whine and vent about how unfair it is that i give so much and still feel used and abused almost every day...

i wonder if that's ptsd skewing my perspective... perhaps, but the mistreatment is still real most days and criticisms and lack of real appreciation too... but that's another story and i must remind myself today and every day, not here... here is for the positive perspective (in spite of the many times i've forgotten as you will see if you read or have seen if you've read any number of the thousands of entries in this blog)...

so what else is new?...

narf :)

the roller coaster ride (episode x)

emotional roller coaster, that is... but since emotions are driven by thoughts and experiences that produce chemicals in the brain and body that produce physical reactions and physical feelings then the emotional roller coaster ride that is an openly lived life is as physically exhilerating as any roller coaster or as depressing as any physical pressure might be... feelings are physical, after all, even when they are all in the mind... so maybe all that is semantic housekeeping so you might gather more meaning from my words and perspective of the emotional experience available in this life when not strapped down by the restrictions of fear and doubt and insecurity and uncertainty (and any other name we commonly give to fear)... i do not live without fear... i do not pretend to be fearless... i just do my best to not let fear get in the way of experiencing the maximum extremes of emotions in this life... trust has led to some profoundly helpless and hopefless depressions as i've trusted this body's survival to a few and have been betrayed, left for dead and luckily i had the strength to find a way to survive from the streets without anything beyond the clothes on my back... but the extremes were just as high when i experienced the hope and unconditional trust shared... illusion or not, it felt so real and wonderful... was it worth the fall?... i'll let you know the next time i have the chance to get on the ride (se says with a coy smirk and an honest smile)...

i am not sure if the ride has taken me on a more subdued track or if i have chosen to avoid the extreme that come from falling in love and giving unconditional trust, but then, it takes two to experience the former and i did, until late last year (when was that exactly and this is the tip of any enourmous unexplored iceberg {trauma} that has been mostly ignored since i hit it {or it hit me} whenever that was), the latter all through this life which produced the most extreme emotions of all so what is all this getting at (or what am i skating around?)...

can i ever trust unconditionally again?...

that question drops like a bomb...

but the silence is louder...

narf...

sometimes a little random wandering helps (but is anything really aimless?)

yeah, well, there is a lot of potential in that title but as you may know by now, starting with yeah, well can mean an amusing relativity and/or casual ambivalence (kind of like the kind that comes with random wandering, no doubt) and an irreverence silliness that may not have anything to do with the seriousness of the meaning of whatever message might be forthcoming in the words (or between the lines) if we ever get to it or anyone ever finds it... and what i mean is, perhaps, the following one two three four five six seven or eight steps along the path (the random wandering, remember?) somewhat demontrate perhaps?...

we could have been brilliant together, if only we had the courage to stay...

narf :)

many entries gone by

actually, many days have gone by without uploading entries and that may appear to change today as many words are spinning around the universe in my head so for posterity i include this point of reference to the last three entries written just before the pause in uploading and the return entry that was written during the week and simply not uploaded and the other entry written during the week that was uploaded elsewhere and the odds and ends that popped up around the written gardens between now and then just so anyone trying to analyze the chronological path for whatever reason might find whatever there might be to be found...

and so it goes...

sleep is overrated

of course i don't always believe that and i know, from medical and biological and chemical trainings and more, from life experience, that sleep is vital to clarity and conscious awareness and optimal functioning of brain cells and the body, so i suppose i mean that sleeping at night in the normal human circadian rhythm is overrated... i sleep best exhausted as the sun rises after a night of debauchery, or actually, a night of sharing intimacy and silliness and honesty whether through written words when i am alone or through all of the senses when i am with someone who can share with all of the senses... the night, the quiet time, the darkness, that is my home...

so here we are again long after i could have and should have let the eyes close... i was watching tv with jackson back then and i absorb the few hours of shared space with her as much as possible because, while on one level it actually increases a sense of loneliness, on basic levels (and supervisial levels) it reducses the sense of aloneness which is also loneliness... it seems to do the same for her as she seeks sharing space with me and the tv when she is most vulnerable, even if she prefers silence to acknowledging it... it could also be, at least in part, because i am old enough to be her dad but then, i don't know if the superficial silence she shares is the same for all of her friends and she does hang with several others on a regular basis and much more actively seeks (and finds) intimate relationships, but then, she so wants to love and be loved... i remember wanting that enough to dive into strangers as she does, but i've all but given up such dives it seems... waiting for the right one to come along, and so it goes...

the tears can flood so easily even if they don't flow
crying on the inside does not let anyone else know
and not out of some manly rule of being strong or not letting go
but sadly due to loss of faith in the human show

and i wonder if i'll ever trust again
and i wonder if i'll ever fall in love again
that was once all i lived for but now it may be a closed door
now i wonder if i'll ever find a friend
unconditional trust may have come to a final end
and unconditional love on earth not somewhere up above
that was once all i dreamed of, can i dream again
i hope with all i am i can dream again

well tripity trip trip trop, aye?...

that's right

whatever that is, or may be, or was, even... but that's right... as if you couldn't tell (what?... did i fool ya?), i am fishing for distraction because, well, i'd be a fool to explain cuz that would defeat the distraction, now wouldn't it... so i point at the tv and see there is scorpion which is a fine kettle of distraction what with the perspective of difference of intelligence and emotions and logic that is almost done well, which is amazing for television, and then there's adorableness a couple of times to boot, so there are potential orgasms on every level which is super rare, i mean, libbo is easy and ego can be seduced but the logical mind and intellect always finds flaws with tv (cuz it's tv, after all, and even when great it's not perfect) and there is enough logic to give the brain a little too (or is that just the lower brains {heart, libbo, genetals} influencing the upper brain like it does in the story?... the dream of being understood and accepted is so very deep, alas)... yeah, that's right...

what was i going to tell you?... distraction worked, didn't it?... that's right :)

narf :)

we gonna be so

so what?... so excited to know what we gonna be... so what we gonna be?... so curious to know what we gonna be... so what we gonna be?... so elusive figuring out what we gonna be?... so what we gonna be?... so silly in this repetitive game about so what we gonna be so what we gonna be so what we gonna what?... so what is this we gonna be so entry gonna be about, anyway?... i'm hungry...

maybe i have nothing much to say so we gonna be so bored, aye?...

narf :)

too critical?

maybe i am, but there are just so many people not paying attention to life on so many levels they blindly blow opportunities for success and chances to help others and ultimately, commit suicide as a species day after day... but it's not polite to point that out when it is happening all around us in this pretentious culture that would rather live in ridiculous;y cruela nd destructive delusions than face reality and actually have a chance to survive... it is acceptable to be short-sighted, in fact people will defended their choice to have small minds to the death and do it regularly... is that too critical?... a matter of perspective... i see it as honestly caring about life on an individual and global and universal scale... too honest for most people trained to go along with a lot of lies in these times, perhaps, but it better not be too critical to simple state the truth if there is any hope for human survival on this planet... honesty is my highest ideal and a way i respect above all else because i believe it is, after all is said and done, the most caring and kind way we can be... i may be wrong, but i state truth as i see i and truth is very sad today... of course i am not always so focused on the sad reality of delusion most people live in (or hide in)... as you may have noticed i often lose myself in words, nonsensical at times, and that may be my delusion and it may be a waste of time and it may not be saving the world as i intended it to when i first started out, but it keeps me sane, relatively grounded, positive inside (after getting out the frustrations), and mostly happy so works for me... yeah, seriously serious, important, profound, and more, no doubt...

so feel free to be as critical as you like... i will accept it as honesty...

narf and such and such :)

and then there's the nonsense

yes, there is a whole lot of serious and more serious, important, and profound entries, but even those are threaded (or sprinkled, in some cases... but some might have been flooded i suppose) with so many different thoughts in so many words that is may be read as nonsense by the untrained mind (babbling training can be can be found in some of the best schools, but to be a true master, you must simply find it within your own mind with or without grasshoppers), but it is so much more than that and you might miss some (or much) of it or even find it distracting (which would be ironic because that is often what it is, distraction for me from the sad truth as i see it and since i am not much good at forgetting or ignoring the reality of human ways even if some of the most brutal and devastating is far away, so i distract myself with babbling many might call the nonsense and for me, it's mostly a mind dump meandering anywhere but the cold hard truths of human behaviors... so now you know...

the nonsense is not as meaningless as it may appear... and life goes on...

narf and such and such :)

and they did it again

the softball team, that is... we had a double header against two bottom dwelling teams and we lost them both... the most frustrating part was that the coach wasn't paying attention to the game and he just ignored me after i had gotten there an hour early (he showed up five minutes before game time and 'took over' but was obviously distracted and letting a lot of mistakes happen on the field that gave up runs and didn't say a word to batter striking out and hitting poorly... one guy struck out four times in a row, twice with bases loaded, once with first and third, and once with a runner on third who should have scored but the coach didn't send him home... we lost both games by one run as the home team... pathetic and give-away games... so we dropped from first to middle of the pack with three loses in a row to teams we should have easily beat if we had a coach who paid attention... the most frustrating thing of all is we had a talk about my coaching more, especially on the field, because it keeps my head in the game and i i am the most experiences player with the most softball knowledge on the team... he said he agreed and today he completely ignored me as i called to him from the field to put players where they belonged... everyone was playing way too deep and that cost a lot of runs on base hits that should have been outs... anyway, frustrating day because a coach should care, pay ayyention, manage a game, and keep his word and he did none of that today...

the team really isn't ready for the world series so losing is probably best so we don't waste a couple of thousand dollars each on the trip... it just sucks when it feels like we were set up...

narf...

the pig lives

and the seafood does not... i don't think they have pork on the menu at the japanese steakhouse, kobe, but they were cooking up lobster, scallops, shrimp (my order and jackson's order) and filet mignon and rice and noodles and veggies and sauces and yummy yum yum... nine of us went out for helena's birthday and jackson, me, and one other of the group had birthdays today... at least they didn't put those clown chef hats on us until after we ate and they served small cupcakes... i think they forgot our desserts though, but nobody seemed to care because they were all too full and jackson didn't want me to ask cuz she is so afreaid of any sort of confrontation that even asking if a waitress forgot something i paid for (yeah, i treated her for our birthdays), she sees it as confrontation... my poor scared girl drives me nuts sometimes, but i love her so i didn't ask... my curiosity bugs me more than anything else... checking their menu online you expected me not to satisfy my curiosity?), they call it a 'house dessert' so i guess it's a cheap way they get away with adding dessert to the deal (a tiny piece of plain cake... they obviously don't take dessert seriously so i stopped at jeremiah's after... less calories than publix, after all)... the food is pretty good there (if you like their white sauce, which seems mostly like mayonnaise), though blandish (designed for boiled beef english/american pallates complete with the bottle of hot sauce for those who like spice, but not like a combination of savory flavors if you know what i mean) though the health department must have fits when they inspect...

if you are not a foodie and are into music, this might be more interesting...

narf and such and such :)

back to music

not actually back to music, literally or in any other way, except that a cd is playing which doesn't happen too often of late and there hasn't been extended depths with music like there once were since toronto, which is a long long time, if you know... sigh and alas, if you know... yeah... dylan came out of the cd player, his shadows in the night cd which makes us all feel old as he tries to channel barbara streisand or billy holiday... i love that the waterboys present their cd in a three-fold paper sleeve with a full lyric book... that is the way it was when music was holy for the artists who respected the words and music and fans... if jim morrison lived, the doors would be the waterboys closest relative... i enjoy the uniqueness of mike scott's voice and the waterboy's sound so even brand new stuff is appealing, but i still look for the profound connections that they've reached for me before... the first song is the waterboys all over so it starts me off with a big smile cuz, as i said, i like their sound... and then i hear a fuse had been blowing in her head for twenty seven years... and something about sins...

i've heard about sin down the long wheels of ages
a cracked book of lies with a thousand twisted pages
and i looked her in the eye and asked her clear and plain
if your religion was a lie then what would remain?

.              .              .

she said i've got my beating heart and i've got two loving hands to heal with
and there's nothing in my day that i ain't got the strength to deal with
i same darling i confess the same applies to me
and for all the rest, we agreed to disagree

.         .         . 

meet me on the mad parade when the midnight bells are chiming
we'll dress up as the harlequin and the clown
pile all the blunder that we've made in a tower too tall for climbing
and we'll burn the damn thing down
starting over is so simple if two really want to do it... starting is almost as simple, just a lot more specifics to learn and foundations to be built... ok, so this cd has grown on me well in the first few listenings... but it wasn't a fuse had been blowing in her head for twenty seven years... it was just had been blowing in her head for twenty seven years so where in the world did i get a fuse i wonder... so amazingly perfectly appropriate, yet it never happened... still, anyway, it took a third listen to really pay attention and read the words, but songs one and two took me back to a wonderful place in my head, a wonderful timeless love of words and music...

and harry...

ah, yes, november tale reaches deep into me and still a freak caught me with the title and listening, within thirty seconds, another lyrial anthem... with or without the peace pipe, there are always memories... if you ain't crazy there's something wrong... and there no such thing as coincidence... or a mistake... and all this confusion is just an illusion... oh yeah, mike just summed up (e)thereal... the gardens... life... pow... boom... yeah, and oh wow... back to the roots of relationships... and then, back even further to almost cut my hair... seriously, oh wow, ya know?...

it's ok if you don't, i do, and i'm the one experiencing this wonderful moment :)

narf and such and such :)

geek talk

though it may not be fair to call this geek talk because i have only reports and no actual understanding of what the reports mean... or at least very little... but kaspersky is telling me that some program i don'r use keeps hanging (so many background processes and programs i don't ever use are integrated into the windows operating system for reasons i can only imagine, so i share the report here and hope someone might come along and help me understand and remedy whatever kaspersky wants me to remedy because kaspersky only points at problems or potential problems, but give only long technical explanations and only random solutions... so does this make sense to anyone?...

Product
DbgSvc

Problem
Service Hang Report

Date
4/10/2015 11:12 PM

Status
Not Reported

Description
Service Debug Diagnostic Service hung on starting.

Problem signature
Problem Event Name: ServiceHang
Service Name: DbgSvc
Image Name: DbgSvc.exe"
Image Version: 0.0.0.0
Service Type: 10
Start Type: 2
OS Version: 6.0.6002.2.2.0.768.3
Locale ID: 1033

Files that help describe the problem
Version.txt
minidump.mdmp

no solution in 2007 and here i am still on this antiquated buggy vista today... fool for not just tossing vista immediately when windows 7 came out... anyway, i am uninstalling the microsoft debug tool and installing an upgrade since the one i've got is old... there was no warning about incompatibility with vista so hopefully nothing will go wrong (famous last words)... meanwhile, kaspersky is running a trusted applications scan that is taking a while, but i am liking this new version of kaspersky (total security 2015) better than the previous versions i've used over the last seven or more years so while there is still a month and a half to decide, i might renew the license once again... anyway, computer maintenence is going on... it says 21 hours left... then i have windows update to run...

meanwhile, there's nothing on tv of interest to me but i did enjoy sleeping in a bit and i am enjoying just sitting here listening to music

narf and such and such :)

too complicated?

it's a maze, after all (amazing too, i imagine), and once upon a time there were many who expressed much desire to wander through and get good and lost in the words and the links... there was almost always an easy way out, a simple flip of a switch like on the holodeck on the tv show that made us familiar with the concept of a holodeck, blink and the illusion disappears... or twitch your nose, even... you can ask yourself, am i too desperate for words?... or simply too desperate, whatever that is... too intense, too alive, too flippant, too sensitive... too worked up, too at ease, too abrupt, too much to give... too aloof, too sincere, too much time on my hands... too simple, too complex, too many one night stands... too many words too few people understand... too many words too the point no one understands...

if you don't mind, maybe it's just variations on a theme you left behind...

there is reason within every rhyme
even when the reason is nonsense
even when the words do not rhyme

there is meaning on so many levels if you
could only see inside of me
but that might take a little time

i will test your patience
unintentionally
and i have no defense
but that works for me

you will make your decision
to be or not to be
my friend, if you care
you will see
i only want the best for you
and hope you want the same for me

and now, another impromptu rendition of random links:

link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
(there must be some way out of here, who said?)
narf :)

hey poland

more than six hundred page new fans yesterday from the grand old gal, Poland... wow and welcome to the madness of the (e)thereal... this blog, that is... yes, (e)thereal, where the english language is stretched beyond it's limits regularly (some might say abused, but our lawyers haven't lost a case yet) and if you want to learn the slang of the babbler, this is your place so sit back and relax with your favorite drink (don't get any on you, or your computer, for that matter)... it's a wonderful blog life, really... even when distracted by the tv... by the way, you wonderful Polish fans have move into ten place on the all-time page visits list with that flurry of activity yesterday so yay poland and yay (e)thereal and yay to the fishes in the deep blue sea too (or was that joy?... well, yay is flexible)... turning off the tv to write a bit now... next time i get up i think i'll find some music... a new waterboys cd arrived yesterday... and you are welcome to listen too...

though i may just let the eyes close and fall asleep since this is being written after midnight at the end of an extremely long and somewhat stressful work week... but thank's for the party poland... it's a wonderful night :)

chewing gum hard

that is, i am working the jaw, chewing gum hard, not to mean the chewing gum is hard (don't you just hate that?) to keep from eating more cuz i am crazy hungry tonight and i've eaten a lot already but i believe i still kept it under 1500 calories and maybe less so i should still be on track (did i mention i dropped below 190 again this week?) to drop the birthday week weight (jackson and i have birthdays in the same week and dine out a lot . . . party! . . . ya know?)... the gum just keeps coming as the pieces (eclipse) last only about fifteen minutes and i am still craving carbs because i've had so few this week and i am way overtired cuz it was a mad work week (yesterday was seventeen hours, at least) and recent developments have brought me much cause for both stress and celebration so it would be wise to get some serious sleep tonight (and it would be wise to clean the bedroom so i start sleeping in bed again cuz the back seems fine and the couch is way too soft and i haven't had an undisturbed night sleep in quite some time time being relative, of course)... so many reasons for the hard chew... a little too much mint though... peppermint...

sorbitol and manitol, yeah, alcohol sugars still have 5 calories per piece (along with some laxitive effect) so i'm probably heading for a hundred additional calories with the gum but if it quells the hunger and carb craving (which it isn't doing very well, actually, but i am trying to ignore that and hopefully sleep will come around soon)...

anyway, chew chew chew, and what are you up to? :)

ain't stats grand?

anyway, i just want to thank all you wonderful people from Poland for finding me tonight and taking this blog up beyond the nine hundred milliom page visit mark (not bad for seven years, aye?... i know, it is sometimes challenging to get out of the house with all the fans camping out on the lawn, but live we must)... ego basks... the muses applaud... the peanut gallery giggles with wise cracks and awe... the bottom line child smiles... the babbler shouts with glee, hey poland, thanks for visiting me...

. . .

this entry may hold the current stats someday... at least that is what's planned when there is time and inclination to cut and paste and format and all that...

narf :)

too desperate?

i know i keep asking again and again because nothing else matters but finding a friend and i know you are somewhere out there on your own and i wonder if you too choose to be alone...

do i come off too desperate
do i ask for too much
do i make you uncomfortable
wanting to touch
do i share more than you
want to know about me
do you see desperation
in my honesty

in my longing to share
in my wanting to care
in my just being here
is it my desperation
or is it your fear?
(are you there?)

so much this and that snatched semi-randomly from the archives in some (vain?) attempt to interest you in me (or any part of me, aye?) but woyld posterity share the same value i find in this moment (time and changing perspectives can make everything so arbitrary, ya know?)... desperate to distraction...

so was i serious when i asked whatever it was (who's paying attention) because it all depends on you in the end as i've said more than twice you can know me if you want to but you really have to want to (who has the time)... so do you wanna?...

and now, another impromptu rendition of random links:
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link . . . link
(there must be some way out of here, ya think?)

give it a few days

lest i be misunderstood i shall allow the blog >entry of many linkages to remain at the top of the heap (maybe not so much a number one, but a flurry of letters all spelling the same thing, everyone is different in their own unique way (or is everyone the same in their own unique way?... a philosophical conundrum rises to the surface from the deep, hark the herald even, since i still have not found sleep... and the meetings begin so early tomorrow and go on all day and i must confront myself in the eyes of someone else and that would be fine, i think, if the premise was not so unfair, but what does anyone care, so i shall give myself as a guinea pig or a carnival clown to amuse the kids and please the boss beyond paper and pen cuz the happy idiot rides again...

yeah, so this one goes here when it belongs over there if you know what i mean (I don't cuz i fell asleep before putting the link in there and still don't know what link i will put there so tomorrow or whenever the randomness of the link chosen is much higher on the random scale than intended), i mean, have your eyes really seen?...

narf :)

too real or unreal?

still fighting off sleep as i wander and ponder and look over yonder to find a while back this (e)thereal blog got mentioned here and it kinda makes you wonder (cuz you are like that) do we really prefer to be told what to do how to be what we are why to be... did it ever occur to you, you are not me?... now i'll go on a bit and give you a reason not to be...

gone on a three hundred calorie diet to reduce the excess baggage and feel better alive in this physical world where the senses are god if you overcome fear (it's really not that hard) just let go of the cards and whatever turns up is your hand to play on your own or you could join a band and dream you understand as you create your own wonderland... so what will it be are you heaven or hell or somewhere in between or too afraid to tell do you avoid yourself and live up on a shelf with your books that take all of your money and health and leave you with a false sense of wealth as if after you die you be rewarded for denying the truth in yourself... oh did i offend, did you want the truth stealth, well there's the door, don't let me stop you, go follow somebody else...

this entry had so much potential... maybe we'll come back to it someday...

narf :)

much more required

yes, my standards are too high for this world at this time so i find my solace and amusement in rhyme as the meter allows me to leave thought behind all except the one line ever clear in my mind in this moment this world is resigned to be so inclined to leave me behind and this world at this time is so blind it misses the point, i've left it behind... all but for a pronoun and being kind tables turn and you may never find that you are the world you declined and in the end you missed the point and i left you behind... so caught up in how you might be designed you miss the point and got left behind... waiting for something you may never find you missed the point and got left behind... born with two eyes but you learned to be blind you missed the point and got left behind... fearing the truth you pretend lies are kind you missed the point and got left behind... variations on a theme if you are so inclined...

narf :)

animorphs

and we all sing together it was a very good year (or something like that)... perhaps we mean anthromorphs... anthromorphs in pjs... anyway, have you noticed the increase in using cows and chickens in tv commercials recently?... stupid as it gets in most cases, especially the guilt tripping some christian-based companies do... just another obvious result of the sickness of religion and greed, but that's beside the point... @nerdist might garner some evidence that makes sense even as it's presented as nonsense, but then, that's the accident of celebrity, everybody thinks you know... time for a 2am snack... whatever time this is uploaded (time being relative, after all... you may have noticed some edits if you were here before, it is just my way of using a popular entry (and this one just keeps seeing more of you here for whatever reasons... tell me why?) to suggest you click on other entries that might mean more, in case you wondered... it is not as if this entry (or any entry, for that matter... obscurity is a wonderful defense, you know?) is serious, important, or profound, after all... but then, that is relative too, in this case, to your perspective... we see things much more as we are than as they are, after all... after all (again), if i make it so challenging to really understand me if anybody ever actually does i will know she (or he) really tried because she (or he) really cares... and then, wondering if i should try to sleep for a couple of hours because i've got to pick up donuts and scratch off tickets and email the time off coupons to my staffing manager before the 7am staff meeting tomorrow (i'd have done it tonight, but brighthouse is not being a friend tonight)...

which of course was last night...

narf and such and such :)

turn it off, turn us on

that can be the modern version of tune in, turn on, drop out which i would so google and give you dozens of references to click on if the damned brighthouse was not screwing up my internet experience so well tonight... my virus software is blowing a gasket trying to get me to notice it has out of date databases, which is even more distracting than the tv, which is about as wasted and we can't find our way home as it gets, i suppose... one thing about late night tv that probably draws a certain kind of person is watching people on shows and thinking i could so do that, why don't i have a show? and cursing the luck of the person on the tv who doesn't really have to work for a living... or something like that... did you notice the cliches?... oh really, how many did you find in this entry?... $6 question?... what about inflation?...

i think i may be getting an earache...

narf :)

the last entry

the last entry might have seemed like it shared nothing about the real life but if you read it and think that, you miss it... secrets appear everywhere... and even more between the lines, but right on the lines too... meanwhile, i napped for a couple of hours or so and then i almost woke and was heading back to sleep when jackson got home and i had to get up to let her in cuz i turned the wrong lock (the one that has no key outside) and then i went to the bathroom and laid down again and work thoughts started entring my head and i was awake again so i turned on the tv and watched some dvr'ed shows cuz nothing was on the tv and so i played ruzzle for a while and then late night tv came on and jon stewart and the show that follows that replaced what's his name who will replace david letterman one of these days and still way too many commercials, but that's life in the tv zone where most of the culture in this country lives... how about you?... i am ready to turn it off if you are... especially if we are ready to turn each other on... that's the ticket, turn it off, turn us on...

yeah, so brighthouse is still messing with my head (of course i am letting it, i don't pay $150 a month for nothing, after all, i mean, what'dya think i am, some sort of idiot?... i mean, i know the meaning of the word rhetorical, that's something) cuz it is when i am prevented from sharing that i want to share the most, rebel yell and all...

so where have you been and why aren't we making love yet?...

narf :)

are we amused?

there is something way too awkward about a comedian laughing at himself after everyone stops laughing, even more when no one is laughing... i mean, it's great to enjoy yourself and have a good time, but when trying to be funny to amuse others, i don't think amusing yourself is enough... the awkward laughter of insecurity on stage is seldom funny... awkward, however, can be funny... just ask woody allen or chevy chase fans... or even jack benny fans... or stephen wright fans, obviously... even when it's stupid, as long as there is a modicum of creativity, it can be amusing and fun... of course humor is in the eye of the beholder, or ear, perhaps... but if you are curious about what this entry is actually about (since it is a purpose to this blog which is something about sharing (e)thereal life {sharing the real life electronically, electronic real life, the real, electronic edition, get it?} so did you think i was laughing at my own attempts to amuse you?... oh come on, humor me... humor me, get it?)... what?...

brighthouse is still fucking up my night, by the way...

barf :}

what were we saying?

then again, were we saying anything?... we infer communication (and there was that one wonderful comment on my birthday, so there goes the perfectly perfect year of silence i was so enjoying... yes, that's sarcasm, in case you weren't sure... you are very appreciated, dear j... most seriously... and even though the z is silent, you too... jz?... as in jayzee?... well won't this entry get some unexpected hits off that unintended reference... but since i made it, feel free to publish my memoirs or crown me king, you've got the power... the powa too... and now that i've sent that irresistible message to the multi-millionaire music mogul, welcome back my friends to the repeat that never ends... i'd really love to see you tonight)...

late night tv is so much more interesting than day time tv... alex wagner is cute...

narf :)

nothing else matters

all the drama goes away the moment i'm in love... all the complaints seem meaningless when i am in love... everything wrong anywhere becomes clearly somewhere out there and all that matters is what's here and now when i'm in love... here and now when i'm in love... being in love creates a comfort zone, and safety zone, a private zone that buffers all the negative energy and keeps it all away from me and my love when i'm in love...

can psychology explain it?... can youtube?... what? (i am so easily distracted, ya know?)... but can science explain love?... huh?... biochemistry?... biology?... ted?... sexuality> attraction?... what's the difference? (seems divisions and analysis defeats the purpose, but then, fear does that... which is why fear based religions do that, but we digress)... i want to sing...

you turn on my dopamine
you get me high
i am addicted to you
i don't know why

you turn on my adrenaline
you get me wired
i feel a buzzing inside
when you are around
i am inspired
to tell you you am desired
you are desired

you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

you turn on my norepinephrine
maybe i need a little more seratonine
you turn on my oxytocin
i crave your pheremones
i crave your sweetest moans

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

will you give me a chance to earn your trust
for trust is so much more important than lust
will you invest yourself, your time and energy
in the feeling you feel when you are with me

and if you feel the way i feel
will you let it be real
let it be real

do i turn on your dopamine
do i get you high
are you always wanting me
and don't know why

do i turn on your adrenaline
do you feel wired
do you feel a buzzing inside
when i am around
are you inspired
to tell me i am desired

you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

you turn on my norepinephrine
maybe i need a little more seratonine
you turn on my oxytocin
i crave your pheremones
i crave your sweetest moans

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher

i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

sing it with me
i want to know all of your secrets
and i want you to know all of mine
can i look into your eyes for an hour or two
can i run my fingers along your spine

you inspire my desire
yes, you light my fire
you take me higher and higher and higher
narf? :)

you are somewhere

i don't know if this entry will reach the point of that entry which links to so many other entries that link to even more entries that say so much so many ways and may even explain me some ways as anything's possible in my mind and the words just flow like this sometimes (which may or may not have anything to do with the moody blues, though they do express my views and hopes and dreams and wonders and wishes and other things in ways i enjoy so much i beam when i sing along sometimes as do so many other writers singing their words and i can lose myself and find myself in them)... what was i saying again?... i wonder how you read me...

ah yes, you are somewhere... and i really want you to love me so i hope you find me here (or somewhere)... most of all i want to find the one who is the one who really gets me, understands me, as equal as possible as we are for real and shares balance as we worship each other above all else... and i know you are out there, you are somewhere and until you get here you are my dream... and selecting entries i'd like you to read from the past month or so, somewhat randomly by title, somewhat tongue and cheek, somewhat as seriously as ever, i offer you more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more...

i wish you peace and love and hope we someday share :)

home sports

so i ranted about the nba and professional sports once again, but meanwhile, in the personal life, we did lose our game today 11-10 which hurts a lot... for one thing my alarm didn't go off and nobody called to find out where i was until 10 minutes before game time, so i got there just as the first inning was starting to find out only seven other players showed up today to the most important game of the season... in so many ways i am so glad i wasn't there early as planned because i would have been fuming about the lack of interest... the players that did show up played poorly and game up 10 of the 11 runs scored on errors, giving away at least three extra outs every inning which not only allows more runs, but allows the other team more at bats which lets them warm up and get in a groove... it didn't help the team we played had a game before ours and were already warmed up... it was obvious we were not warmed up as a dozen easy outs were bobbled and we might have shut the other team out if we did not make so many errors... so now we are tied for second place and the team we are tied with has the tie-breaker, so we need help from others to make it to the world series this year... ultimately, this team is not ready for the world series and will be beaten bad if we go so i am torn because it is an expensive trip and jackson won't be there and i'm not so sure about the chemistry this year... maybe i can talk jackson into coming along...

i hung out helping with the food consession my team was doing today (though it too was done without effort and therein was lucky to about break even)... it just gets more and more challenging to invest time and energy in the team, but i love the game and will continue trying... after they left (early, and i understand they set up late as well), i stuck around watching other games with a friend who coachins one of the women's teams (unfortunately that team doesn't seem to want to play and lost both games of a double header by big scores)... all in all, sunday is much more social than softball, but i keep hoping it will be more softball... there's always hope...

ultimately the team didn't show up to the biggest game of the season, but i had fun hanging softball friends...

sigh... alas... and narf :)

for jackson

i don't think you have been here and i don't know if you'd tell me if you ever read the words i leave in this place... it is not always pretty but neither of us are perfect and the best we can do is share the smile on each other's face... i know you care and try to be kind and you know i care and do the same and i know it's challenging for you because it's so one sided in some ways, especially finacially, and i know it's not the wisest thing i can do to give so much to you, but you need the help and i love helping so it's a win-win for the moment and there's always hope it will balance out in the end (hope you win the lottery, hope you share that laugh with me, hope one day that we can be, as serious with honesty, as we really want to be) and i know you appreciate me much more than you can show or say so please feel good cuz you help me feel good and i want you to know (hear the music play?) i am trying to tell you in my own babbling way that i wish you a beautiful wonderful warm and fuzzy seriously loved happy happy birthday...

happy birthday jackson
you are my family
and whatever i mean to you, you should know
you probably mean more to me
odds are you've got more years than i have left
and more people in your friends and family tree
so i don't expect you to always have time
but i want you to know as long as i live
you can call on me, you can count on me
you're my family
and today in my way i just want to say
happy happy happy birthday
happy happy every day

what was that?

somewhere along the way i lost all track of this which had something to do with this but then somehow mushroomed into this and this which did not make sense because one was a different entry i somehow changed like i likely deleted an old entry in the process cuz i remember the title, which was should be laughing, yeah, right and is almost ironic but then, losing all track of the threads and process and entries, well, it is what it is, which is this... or that... or whatever...

relaxing day at home... forgot to do laundry come to think of it so i need to get up and sort through the clothes to see what is a must wash... softball socks may be the only must wash item... life is so exciting, aye?... i noticed the nba and nfl seasons are coming to a close which means the playoffs will start soon which means in a few weeks it'll be the finals which means i might watch a game... i've lost interest in both sports due to the spoiled rich-boy drama in the nba and i never really had the time to watch a lot of hockey, i mean, i'd rather play than watch... baseball and football get more of my time, but i rarely watch a game until the playoffs and even then, i just skim due to limited time... unless i get free tickets to see a game live or jackson talks me into seeing one of her teams... i bought tickets to see the cus in atlanta in july cuz she's never been at the atlanta stadium and has a wish to see a game in every stadium (and she's a die hard cubs fan, poor thing lol... being a fan of underdogs and not really attached to any specific teams {i root for players i like}, i root for her teams too)... as a spectator, i generally i prefer music concerts to sports... but so little time, alas...

one of these entries i might actually catch up on life a bit, aye?... but most seriously (for those who care as opposed to the millions of fans who come for the pomp and circumstance and glory and such), i would still like to know what you think about these entries i keep linking again and again, and again, even, ya know?...

narf :)

a little life, a little food, and tv

tomorrow we play the third place team in the sunday softball league... last week we beat the second and third place teams (which are now the second and fourth place teams) and if we can pull off the win tomorrow we have a full game cushion and the tie breaker against everyone... a loss and we are likely in second place with two losses tied with the current third place team... it is doubtful the other 1 loss team will lose tomorrow as they pla two teams who have one win between them... the current second, third, and fourth place teams have a much easier record than use the rest of the way (six games left) as they only have two tought games and four pushovers each and we have to play all three of them and the current fifth and sixth place teams as well... we win out, we are champs, but it's a very tought road... also, we lost one of our better hitters as he was moved up in ratings, but overall it will be good for the team as he was a malcontent who undermined coaching... so tomorrow is the turning point of the season, rah rah rah...

yesterday jackson and i went to dinner at outlack and i had the filet and labster (did i mention somewhere that i do indulge in luxuries?... of course i did, i ask rhetorically and to see if you've been paying attention... now which entry was it?) using my gift card... my managers gave me a gift card for restaurants and the choice came down to outback or fishbone and i decided outback because they had the filet and lobster special (though way overpriced, but ain't that america for you and for me?)... today i am indulging in spaghetti...

meanwhile, me-tv's svengoolie is so badly corny it's astounding that it is on tv, but kudos to rich koz who apparently produces, writes, and stars in the bad movie jabber show (bad movie jabber is like elvira or sci-fi theatre 3000 or any of the shows that have people introduce and talk between the movies and commercials) but it is, i suppose, almost appropriate given this island earth is the kind of movie fare the show presents... followed, of course, by the ever so scientifically accurate lost in space... the premise of old shows, especially sci-fi, is so illogical and inconsistently that it's a wonder anyone can take them seriously and yet, people were paid big bucks and praised and given awards and respect and more for these ideas... poor humans... i mean, a cat and cat hair in a nuclear laboratory is exactly what is needed, not to mention cigarette smoke...

narf :)

so much this

here may be no definitive answer to the question (whatever it was), but this might be it, or this because, after all, it is what it is even though this could explain a lot, though maybe this explains even more as if this was not as important as this or this which might look like this too, but they have differences that can only begin to be understood if you really get this, which might simply be another way of saying this, or not... this could be the story of a life or ancient history, which this could explain better than this, or vice verse or this for that matter and while this might belong somewhere else, this could be the final this that this bit of meandering explanatory note provides (or is it this, perhaps, cuz it is a process, after all, as this or this might suggest and if you find yourself understanding this then maybe this will make sense to you when this happens like this, but did you get this yet?...

after all, this wasn't this but nothing is this and in the end, this laughs in the face of this and if you get this, you might get this...

narf :)

so much this

here may be no definitive answer to the question (whatever it was), but this might be it, or this because, after all, it is what it is even though this could explain a lot, though maybe this explains even more as if this was not as important as this or this which might look like this too, but they have differences that can only begin to be understood if you really get this, which might simply be another way of saying this, or not... this could be the story of a life or ancient history, which this could explain better than this, or vice verse or this for that matter and while this might belong somewhere else, this could be the final this that this bit of meandering explanatory note provides (or is it this, perhaps, cuz it is a process, after all, as this or this might suggest and if you find yourself understanding this then maybe this will make sense to you when this happens like this, but did you get this yet?...

after all, this wasn't this but nothing is this and in the end, this laughs in the face of this and if you get this, you might get this...

narf :)

dreams or memories

life has been good... fun... luxurious in so many ways (in spite of ridiculously irresponsible money management over the course of a lifetime as so many financial decisions were based on what others needed without considering what i needed... hey, so i won't retire comfortably and will enjoy spaghetti and live cheap after the working days are done, i lived and continue to live in the moment and enjoy the luxuries i have for now)... i have wonderful memories and still have dreams (and sometimes am not quite sure which is which) and hope springs eternal even if it doesn't quite have the same spring it once did (though there are those moments... and sighs)...

i think i had a dream that i went in to meet with my night shift and made an emotional inspirational speech that brought cheers like a revivalist church and i just remembered it as a memory so i wonder if it was a memory of long ago or a dream of what i would like to happen or a dream about a memory of long ago or something like that... i don't think fat people get it because the choices they make that create a fat body are the antithesis of the understanding required to get it, but that may be beside the point, whatever the point might have been or will be... what it is, is this...

narf :)

this

or maybe this... though it could be this and then again, it could be this... it might be this if you could only get this, but then, you may have been lost since the first this... nyuk?...

heck, you may have been lost before you even got here...

narf :)

how do you read me?

when you read this, do you laugh?... do you feel sad?... do you feel anything?... i'd really like to know so i take the time to ask, cuz the words linked in the two links i just asked about can be read in many different ways... some may find humor, some may find sorrow, some may find insight, some may find ignorance, some may find peace, some may find distress, some may find some praise, some may find pity, some might find offense, even... what do you find?... what do you feel?... i wish i knew...

the caloric intake reduction refocused again the past two days, in case you wondered and are paying attention... i still recommend (and request, even) clicking on the links in this entry (yes, dammit, i will repeat myself again and i will keep repeating myself until i find what i am looking for because it is the best i can do sometimes and stopping or doing nothing or going silent has never worked)... and while you are caring to spend a little time here, more of me can be found in the links in this entry (of course the more right i think i am, the more wrong i can be, but i still believe i would like you to know me better... seriously, my humor only tries to make the emotion less overwhelming (or something like that)... oh, if you only knew (if you only wanted to, you could, reahlly you could) cuz the truth remains the truth, really, the truth remains the truth (and i still ain't too proud to beg, even if it is not socially acceptable in our ever so pretentious superficial fear-driven culture), ya know?...

and still i wonder if you get it...

narf :)

busy monkey

i don't get the draw of the blood and gore but sci-fi still tickles my senses, or fancy, the imagination stimulates sensation and without defences it's chancey, but if you can trust your mind then you must explore the vast unknown of infinite possibilities (or the infinite possibilities of the vast unknown, and by vast, we mean infinite, at least) and if you remember where you were or what you were discussing (or thinking, if you weren't talking), then you might understand the secrets of everything within and beyond life, the universes, and you know what... or something like that...

work work work, as too usual lately, is absorbing most of my time... in the hours that i am not working (or on the phone with work), i am often playing softball and still not enough to actually satisfy my desire to play softball (but it's not a game you can play, or even practice, without others and others are busy too so getting together daily to play or practice is very challenging... and for reasons buried deep in my psyche (loneliness and laziness, mostly), i've found no motivation for solitary exercise in quite some time... i have considered buying an elliptical for home, but i wonder if the ease of availability would increase the exercise or if the end of the world as we know it has already arrived and blah blah blah, you know? (if you do, well feel free to explain it to me)... several birthday dinners happen in aprils so there is more reason to miss sleep, and then there is babbling, which is the method to the madness and keeps the madhouse in my head from spilling into the real world which would further interfere with any successes as i am not in the almost anything goes world of the creative arts but rather have expectations much closer to what is collectively viewed as normalcy by the vast majority of the populace in this culture at this time... yeah, i'm a busy monkey...

meanwhile, for no apparent reason except that i was thinking about it as i started this entry that may or may not have any cohesive connection with meaningful thought or anything worth your time, the current and coming distractions include the expanse childhood ends helix 12 monkeys lost girl and defiance on the syfy channel

narf :)