are we there yet?

the new year, as if something different will happen, as if something will change because of the date, because the calendar starts repeating again... yeah, so the time passes and i must be elsewhere enjoying life because the internet was not within my reach until days from now when i uploaded a dozen or more entries that were stored in the recesses of the mind or simply created in a flurry at this moment and tonight as most people around here sleep cuz that's the way our culture lives and it is a way i have never fully understood or been part of cuz the rhythms of the body and mind i currently inhabit are nocturnal and otherwise different than most people and rather far from the norms of this culture so i wonder as i ponder time in this entry, are we there yet in this new year or is there still time to add to the monthly total of entries and whatever the answer, for whatever it is worth, this is another entry tossed onto the cyber seas somewhat out of the time synch noted above or below depending on formatting for your viewing pleasure today, or yesterday, or maybe tomorrow...

time is a strange bedfellow...

narf :)

some gods are wiser than others

yeah, so it's that time of year when most of the god people come out to pray and profess their beliefs as if everyone shares them (or should) and the pretense of peace on earth and good will toward everyone is sold like soap and candy to all who will buy and most do because most want to belong and be the same cuz most think that is the way to security but conformity is not security, it is only following the current leader while shirking personal responsibility which may seem easier but actually makes life much more challenging (and usually crueler) than it needs to be so take your time and think for yourself, even at this time of year (maybe expecially at this time of year) and if you are lucky and wise, you may just become someone you'd like to know rather than someone you want others to like... with that said, here is a message from god:

"It perfectly symbolizes the human race that it begins every new year by dropping the ball."
The Tweet of God

narf :)

sugar carbs more

i am definitely enjoying a bit of sugar... more so soon?, and i mean sharing here, writing, hopeing readers will read, hoping the one will find something that will inspire her to be more beautiful and also want to meet me)... chocolate ice, to be precise, when i am not completely focused on live, that is... ... oh year, can i have a glass every night like wine?... i don't want the wine, give me the chocolate ice... even though it gives me liver, sinus, and occasionally brain freeze... i almost always stop before the brain because the liver (or organ somewhere close to the liver) reacts first and fiercely and the pain paises the pleasure of slurping up the chocolate ice... i'd like to chat with zelda about her dad and her life just to experience the energy... who knows, she might have been the one once, everybody is somebody's the one... we are all depressed at times, and most are manic at times, so we are all some form of bipolar, we just control and mask and hide and integrate it into our daily lives (and others) differently... some do it more seamlessly than others and you'd never know unless they did something rash... the whole thing amuses me, when it doesn't inspire me to want to cry... if i had more carbs i would consume them... that's the risk of opening the door to that brain high again... so addictive... so sweet (get it?)...

what?... i will miss craig ferguson too... yeah, but pass it along, m'ok?)...

narf :)

sugar carbs tonight

maybe it was a reward for putting up with the medical industry once again trying to find a decent doctor... but i made some chocolate ices tonight... came out real good too, just like you get in the stores, the good stores... and some tuna and clams for the protein, made into a pate with an assortment of ingredients (newman's own ceasar dressing, french fried onion rings, a few seasons croutons, a bit of spices, light mayo) and yum... i wish i would have seen steven martin and robin williams in waiting for godot, but that's besides the point, meaningful to me, but whatever the point was, it is beside it... chocolate ice, yeah... wait, there was some coffee in it too... that is where this entry began, right?... still not sure if there was a point beyond mentioning i carbed a bit tonight for the first time in weeks... it's not as if today was full of profoundly rhyming revealing pontificating or anything worth reading like previous entries may have been... you decide, if you are reading, have a favorite entry?... or how about a top ten?... top 100?... ranked, of course... there are only more than 6,000 to review, it'll take you a year or so, unless you do it full time... i can't pay you, but you would be immortalized in my heart and mind... in words too, if you don't mind... and if you mind, i know how to be obscure, ya know?... you have every choice, why not choose a choice you love (and pass it on, ya know?)...

make your life spectacular, no doubt...

narf :)

work, work, work (and repeat)

to much work, so little time... giving most of the managers most of the two weeks of these holidays off has shown me how poorly they are doing their jobs as they did not prepare well and left me a whole lot of messes and potential messes to clean up... we will find a way to explain that to them when they get back next year... meanwhile, i am working 14-16 hours a day doing six jobs besides my own... seven today... i had to have four directors, five managers, and ten supervisors, and eighty staff when i started last year... now i have four directors, two managers, two coordinators, five supervisors, and over seventy staff and we are expected to get the job done just as well... and vacant positions include one director (nursing, an essential one who has no back-up or lateral coverage), one coordinator (administrative, who again has no lateral support and is the glue that keeps logistics together), and one supervisor (the dietary manager, where nobody really has the skills or knowledge or desire to fill in well)... so i am doing a lot of work and not keeping the help or support i need because a half of my team is new and needs training (and there's no time to train and get the job done cuz i am doing all the vancancy jobs) and couple of my team are lazy finger-pointing not-team players and i don't have time to put together the package needed to pressure them into doing their jobs or losing their jobs so i am doing just that by pressuring them to fill in and do more... yeah, i need to fill the vacancies and train all the newbies and that takes time... especially when the right candidate is not applying...

it would be nice to have more of a life to share that would balance and distract me from the work life, but the tv and the voices in my head are the only companions around most of the time cuz i keep saying no to social invites cuz i am tired and don't want to give up the little me-time i have to drive far to hang with people i don't necessarily want to hang with (a couple, maybe, but most, nope)... softball starts up again this weekend, both teams practicing (alas, the friday night team, which would be a third team, did not get signed up on time just like last year)... i ought to head out to the seniors who practice sunday mornings (get to the fields at 8am, no wonder why i don't) and get on one of their friday night teams, or other night teams... yeah, if there was only more time... gotta rest and sleep more, which is life and death stuff, and i don't do that either...

and how are you tonight?...

narf :)

medical industry blues, part two

yeah, big business... to the fsa card continues to be turned down for items i buy to treat medical conditions that could kill me (high bp, for one) and as most systems in the health care industry are set up, there are major obstacles in the way of keeping myself healthy... the list says blood pressure monitors do not need a prescription, but trying to buy one online found the card turned down... so i will call the company (omron) and ask if they have issues with the fsa card and call the fsa company and ask them why their card is not accepted for a product they sell on their website for $40 more than the manufacturer sells it... that's a 67% hostage fee if they only allow the card to be used on their website... i should not have to jump through hoops to spend my own money, but that is the scam of the fsa plans... there is no option just to withdraw the money and pay the tax as if loaning the huge insurance investment company my money to invest and profit off without giving me any interest is not enough of a rip off... hopefully i will not waste even more time tomorrow trying to spend my own money...

it's enough to make me want to eat something...

narf :}

medical industry blues

so the doctor i had the appointment with this morning was a walk in urgent care center that i could have walked into last week so i wasted my time and money as all i got was rushed disinterest a half hour after my scheduled appointment because they didn't open at 8am as posted but rather at 8:40am, ten minutes after my scheduled appointment and typing all of my information into zocdoc (a good idea, but they need to identify their doctors better as i searched for primary care physicians and this quack gave me a hard to read zero copy of a primary care physician they are affiliated with and i wouldn't take this guy's recommendation for anything, so waste of time... he sent prescriptions to the pharmacy without telling me what they were, didn't discuss drug contraindications or history, and was not interested in anything i had to say except without saying the specific words "presenting problem, here's a pill, there's the door" not even concerned that my blood pressure was way high... amazing, yet that is medical care in the good old greed-driven industry in the united states...

pass it along :)

that is my ultimate goal here in this blog life... and in life itself, actually... i have lots of goals, and a half dozen or so rise to the level of overall life goals... falling in love, helping, sharing, saving the world (as in finding a way, words even, to open enough hearts and minds to the benefit of and desire to love each other so we can all overcome the fears and delusions that keep us not just apart, but killing ourselves and each other), and leaving this world a little better for my having been here... yeah, simple goals... but the ultimate goal whether i succeed or fail in these others is to leave you smiling... i think that is the best i can do, so i hope i did, do, and will (there's always hope, aye?)...

and when we are tired
and fear takes a bite
and we are not sure
if we'll make it through another night

if we can just breath
and choose to exhale
give peace a chance
then we will not fail

if we resist the fear and greed and stress and need to rush to control
we can learn to let go and accept the peace in our souls

it's the truth, even if few are ready to even consider the concept...

my wish is you do and pass it along :)

about family

ok then, i never got back to sleep so here we are and checking email for the first time since mid november i found a response from a friend, known as j around these parts, asking about family... so i pondered my definition (with great brevity, so it belongs here, right?) and this is what came out (with the usual slight edits for here)...

family is... a person or people who share unconditional love and trust.

simple enough in my mind... i used to be family to anyone, but sharing the unconditional trust has become much more challenging (and apparently unwise) so i am family to no one these days... and that is the ideal... a more thoughtful and experienced answer might be...

family is a person or people who share unconditional love and consciously choose to trust each other to share that love and be there when needed no matter what, even if all other trust is gone...

yeah, that's a much better definition that i can live with in the real world... in this case, i am family to anyone who wants me within reasonable limits of what they want, how much they want, why they want, and my ability to give (this is my reality)... it is a conscious decision even if the connection starts in the unconscious or subconscious (like falling in love sometimes does).. the connection can come through biology, legal bond, accidental meeting... the relationship is a choice, a commitment done all the time, not just said (and especially not just when convenient or appropriate)... as caring is a verb... as is sharing...

family shares the last bite of food even if it is the last bite of food on earth and ultimately, when left with no other choice but to accept death, family embraces each other and shares death...

and that is where i paused and thought i may even be done as i am comfortable and happy that the words above define family well for me...

research for the body

so all the research i may do for the body, does it help the mind?... does it add more stress than it relieves?... and how do we answer the question... do i feel better?... overall, probably... but during the process, more stressed... knowing the outcome is knowing how to live as well as i can, well, that helps ease tension... so overall, it's a good thing... and yet, i envy those who lived hundreds of years ago enjoying life ignorant of modern medicine... sometimes :)

so ok, returning to body thoughts is probably a good thing in spite of all the challenges it might bring or foretell... i've got to explore but this more as the probability of it happening is realer than most prophesies based on the tests and observations... i need to research supplement quality as much as that is possible and add certain items to my diet like apple cider vinegar, chromium, and increase oatmeal, cinnamon, broccoli, spinach, and green beans (all of which i do eat, just not as often lately due to rushing through meals... and laziness)... cactus? (prickly pear)...

alas, i will repeat this if only in the hope i will actually hear it... well-cooked soft pasta is an enemy, alas, but i prefer mush to al dente... of course we could study forever and miss out on living (we must remember this)... the bottom line is lose the weight, exercise more, balance the diet, add more of the foods above, maybe some supplements, and review the doctor's findings and recommendations... that's the attitude i am taking into the doctor'a office in the morning... oh yeah, i left out get more regular and enough sleep...

nite nite :)

so we hit a hundred

and move one beyond with this one... first time all year there are a hundred entries in one month... cause for celebration or mourning or pity, you decide... occupying much of my free time with writing, regardless of the worth or quality judgment of the words, has helped me focus on several positive actions this month, change in eating habits, weight loss, and not spending money are the biggest... taking the time to do some more research on health, diet, supplements, and most of all doctors (choosing one is such a challenge if you really are going to trust a doctor with your life and life-death decisions... how many people take it seriously, after all... most are so far from the medical profession in their lives doctors seem like gods... tough to choose a god when there are millions to choose from, thousands within a dozen or two miles... so making the time for research which all this writing life does, definitely a good thing)... articulating challenges and frustrations helps reduce stress and clarifies what i really want to do and what i should or must do for health and happiness... and recording the good times makes them more memorable, enhancing memories and enriching the more sedentary years ahead... so all this writing prolongs life?...

well, i'll let you know when the body hits a hundred...

narf :)

not a good job for health (really)

so as i mentioned in the last entry, i nodded off shortly after eating last night, early in the evening, and whatever the causes (dropping almost 20 pounds through diet and exercise over the past three weeks, sleeping odd hours because i have been off and alone at home, dietary or health reasons, whatever the cause), i was tired and ready to sleep so when i woke in the recliner i headed to the couch for the night (yes, i am still in a state of flux in the bedroom, yes, since october, yes, that goes deep and is for another time cuz this entry isn't going to wander off on a tangent like the last one did even though i am groggy {not not sleepy} and emotionally hungry, m'ok?) and closed my eyes for the night, knowing i intended to wake 6am and shower and relax before my 8:30am appointment to interview a new doctor and let him tell me what he thinks i should do about high blood pressure and whatever else we discuss)... and the phone rings, twice, at around midnight... work... someone did not show up for work again...

the supervisor notified me because the manager is technically on vacation, but the manager needs to change the way she is scheduling and also needs to enforce attendance and punctuality policies (and i've got to make sure she does that) because this is happening way too often... yeah, holidays... but if you want a job, you do your job which means showing up when you are scheduled and managing the schedule properly so emergencies are emergencies and not events that happen several times a week...

yeah, so now i am awake instead of sleeping, which will not have a positive effect (or affect) on the blood pressure, weight loss (cuz i am frustrated hungry now), or anything i do tomorrow as a rested body and mind performs much better than a tired body and mind... gonna have to fix this, which means the help the manager who's job it is to staff the place so frequent calls and mandatory overtime is not the standard do her job...

i'll grumble next year, but email and speak with her tomorrow as she is going to have to stay on call given the schedule she put together... i am not using her accrued time for her vacation as a gift for all the hours she puts in, but what i learned this week covering for her is that the main reason she puts all the hours in is she is not doing her job properly, so training, limits, clear expectations, and changes will happen of she will need to reconsider her ability to do her job (she's only been in it a few months)...

alas, it is true, administration is not a good job for health...

not a good job for health

i felt fatigue immediately after eating even though i did not have much carbs at all, so i wonder if it is a sign of future sugar coma or simply the body fatigue catching up (right after eating) some have no clear answer but point to health risks and stroke from sleeping right after eating... but what about it you eat at 5 or 6 PM and don't plan on sleeping, but nod off because you sat down because you are tired because you worked all day?... yeah, no real answer for the working class... and some blame diabetes, which can be the case, but anyone who has time for record and control as much as that writer seems to is not in the working class... next?... holiday myths? and fat and carbs and so on are easy to find, but there was almost no fat or carbs in what i ate last night so there's not much to relate to in that article either... web md does not say why, but rather repeats the study done in the first link about why it is not good to sleep soon after eating, increased risk of stroke... i've always believed that stroke would probably be the way i would die because i feel so much intensity in my brain, but then, there's just another unproven theory you know... i feel just as much intensity in my heart, after all... so asking the question why does sleep come right after eating? did not provide any direct answers that relate to me... except the diabetes and maybe the body is producing too much insulin... or maybe i should simply stop the habit of sitting back and watching monotonous tv after eating a big meal, even a healthy one... and now i am emo-hungry cuz they woke me, grrrrr...

actually, this entry was not supposed to be about that, so i'll start again...

narf :)

finding chicken

so ok, i found chicken and made chicken salad with fat free mayo and added chopped clams for flavor and some onion salt, garlic salt, garlic, and a pinch of a smoked seasoning) and it was yummy... ate it with peas... i was concerned because i've been eating tuna and salmon all week and too much fish, especially canned fish, is definitely not a healthy diet do i was looking to balance the protein and was happy to find the chicken when i searched the cupboards for the third time... i know canned meats and veggies is not the way to eat healthy, but it is working to drop weight and i will increase the fresh foods (and try to make time for cooking) as the changes continue... the primary focus right now is reducing daily calorie intake, reducing fat, carbs, salts, and sugars... that could be done a lot better without the canned food, but at least it is getting done pretty well... max loss is over seventeen pounds as of this morning, 22nd day, which is definitely results... scary good, even...

and the next change to eating habits is necessary (and should have happened with this meal) which is eating less... i ate a lot less than what would be a typical meal for me before this month (up until the 7th), but i definitely felt the bloat start early on and continued eating anyway partly out of habit but more because i know i needed the calories and protein cuz it's been more than 24 hours since i last ate and even though i was not feeling hungry, the body needs food (don't need it to go into starvation mode and start storing fat instead of burning it) and there was a total of 500 calories in the meal so i pushed extra in but next time, half the amount, stop when the bloat begins (yes, my mantra must be stop at first bloat from this point on, definitely) and save the rest for a next meal...

and i must change that mindset, wherever it comes from (the taste buds have heavy influence, the emo food addition too, and the old starving children in china {or africa or wherever) ploy adults drilling into kids probably plays a role even though i am a natural rebel and non-conformist cuz i care beyond control deep down, and other influences, certainly, for later analysis), that i must finish everything on my plate...

smaller plates, save for next time, and focus on the belly and bloat reflex much much more than the taste buds, that's what i've gotta do better... but at least i am eating a whole lot less fat and carbs and less salt and overall, way over on the healthier extreme... balance will come when the excess weight is gone...

progress, or so it seems

so i decided to tackle emptying some of the boxes in my room and that process has been going on for a lifetime as i have pack rat habits (not quite hoarder, though i could get to that point if i had the space and funds... come see my storage unit sometime... i should see my storage unit sometime... it's been more than a decade since i've been there and that place would have paid for a luxury car, full size, at least... it's coming up on twenty years since i first put my stuff in it... crazy, i know... let's not depress me by calculating the cost, m'ok?)... it's a deep rooted habit and the reasons are even deeper than i've discussed in a long long time, but suffice to say (until someone sits next to me and looks into my eyes and convinces me they really want to know and go that deep, which leaves a permanent mark) it is traumatic akin to facing one has ptsd because those boxes hold the world i created once before the betrayals and also the dreams of sharing i live for and opening, sorting, disposing, and unpacking brings it all back in waves, some tsumani-seized flinging a million tonne tanker at my head (i know, just go with the analogy... or metaphor if you like)...

sigh, i really ought to unpack everything after signing this next lease next week...

narf :}

mentioning stats

i was not sure it would get here, but this month appears to be heading for the most prolofic month for entries this year (which is not saying much since i have been averaging well under 100 entries a month this year)... this actually under 50 epm until this month and we just creep over that mark with what might be the first 100 entry month of the year... statistics, gotta love 'em... well, you don't actually gotta and i recognize that many people in this world are afraid of numbers and don't like maths very much, but the arithmetic sciences (did i just coin that name?) have always been one of the most fun playgrounds in my mind so i play with numbers any chance i get and even the poor and unreliable stats of google/blogger amuse me... in case you didn't know)...

i am not in the mood for cutting and pasting data and setting up tables or uploading charts at the moment, but mentioning stats doesn't take a whole lot of waking up and i am still rambling moments after waking in that grogginess which was actually just a few moments ago... i really must get up and let happiness out, really...

make today fun, m'ok?...

narf :)

sleepless hangover

yeah... woah, even... the whole world is foggy through my eyes right now... the head is thick... however long i slept, it was sort of not enough, but since tomorrow is a work day it is time to get up and stay awake... and likely eat something as i am dehydrated and have not eaten in almost 24 hours (but there is little physical hunger from the body except for the achy shoulder muscles that need protein and foods to continue the repairs... amazing how long the charlie horse lasts... this is the first charlie horse i've ridden in a long long time as i don't usually get visits from charlie... shows how long it's been since i pushed the upper body muscles... ok, but lets not focus on how long and challenging this journey back to optimal fitness might be, m'ok?)... i need to get up and let happiness out before he has an accident (if it's not too late)... and i suppose there is football on the tv if i turn it on, so my night with the waterboys was fun but time to change stimulus for a bit as i've heard every waterboys song youtube has to offer... maybe not amazon though... will check that out when i am awake...

ok, so wake up, find food, check the games, and enjoy a relaxing day at home...

good plan :)

if i close my eyes i may sleep

what else is there to do this late at night, after all, when no one is around... music?... of course... so i spent the night with the waterboys and bought some of their new music on amazon and found that i have 442 songs in something called my amazon autorip library and i never even knew i had an amazon autorip library (so did i ever have to say ok for them to create one in my account and am i under any obligation to do anything and will i spend time reasearching the answer?... probably not, but they best not charge me for anything if they know what is good for them... big business just does what it pleases, alas)... 37 albums i've purchased since 2007 were added to my library for free... and nobody ever told me, go figure... mike scott is such a great storyteller (and you may recall i love storytellers... harry chapin is the top of the list for me, but there are hundreds of others i love too... anyway, it's been a wonderfully music filled night and with morning dawning all around, jackson heads to work (poor thing has to work her new job sundays, but she gets friday off to work her second job, and third... she's trying) and i relax (being up all night, i will be sleeping soon)...

nite nite :)

one of these days i may look back

sometimes i wonder how i possible wrote more than four hundred entries one month and someday i may look back to those days when i was writing more than a hundred songs a month on average (for more than two years no less) and see what worth, if any, there was in all that brief rambling... are there only posts that only a mother could love?... well, not mine, she didn't read real, only fiction (that was life, fiction, to most of her generation)... there were years when i read a lot of fiction, science fiction, mostly, though some mystery and fantasy and horror in the stephen king dean koontz style... some years i read a novel a week on average... i finished each of the potter books in less than 48 hours (didn't sleep for a few)... i miss reading, but time time time (it's telling you a story, remember?)...

anyway, i didn't look back tonight, as usual... i played chess against the computer for the last six hours non stop... the eyes are quite blurry.... and besides, i've been waiting for the one you know, waiting for her to come and share the journey through the words to give me her opinion of the worth of the words... so i don't look back much, except into my memories when i am reminiscing or creating something... i still live a very literary life (in case you haven't noticed), it's just mostly putting words out of my head rather than taking words in... are we having fun yet?...

fatigue is knocking and it's getting in...

narf :)

whole lotta heart

ah, this blogging life is so much fun sometimes even when it reveals all the secrets of the heart but then who is really interested in the emo side of life (or this writer, for that matter) when there are so many random blogs out there providing so much information (like the cdc, for instance which provides what seems like a great idea except that there is no main widget to get the most important news and i didn't find a widget that simply rotates all of the news and i don't particularly want a particular cdc news topic as the only news on a page, so i will pass for now, but i like the idea... if there is a specific cdc topic you want to keep track of you can get the cdc widget for your interest area and embed it on your own web page and there i go digressing into distraction once again) and what do we really want anyway?...

so yes the previous dozen or so entries contain spatterings and depths of the heart, in case you want to know, and we can call it some sort of magical mystical celebration of the 6,000th entry (or something like that) because that is not we actually come here for (nor is it this philosophizing or cdc links, for that matter), may, we come here for the brevity of (e)thereal, the moments of life recorded for all time (cuz it's the daily that is now that matters most, right?)... so if i babble a little to much or seem out of touch or get a little to emo for you, well, see, i still hope you can enjoy whatever happens and you will not be cruel to a heart that is true...

so what else is new?...

narf :)

waterboys

yeah, gonna spend a little time with the waterboys tonight via youtube as there are a few newer songs i have not heard because i have been so wandering around this life in work without music and that is the saddest thing i can do for me for myself is my magic and life without magic can be very beautiful, but it can't be magical, ya know?...

if you don't know, i'll just sigh and hope you do someday...

narf :)

perhaps confession

yes, i am really a hopelessly hopeful romantic dreaming of falling in love, true love, unconditional trust and honest love, and i've waited for a long long time (with respect to linda ronstadt, i've remained true to the song and to you too, even though others may appear higher on libbo's list cuz you did not stay as attractive to me as you grew, similar to stevi nicks... i know i wrote more songs and letters to stevi, you're not still made, are you?... of course we're all just prisoners in disguise or desperados. but we digression) since i showed much activated interest in possible meeting someone who might stimulate the heart (or other body parts, even) and what?... romance?... i've given up on the stuff... just be real and require no pretense or preparation and grow old along with me (cuz the best is yet to be) and get my song references and jokes and me and accept my different perspectives and try to understand even when i don't make sense to you and share everything openly and honestly and completely and i will do the same and we can live happilly ever after forever and ever...

yes i was once in love with amy
and i will always be in love with amy
but that doesn't mean i can't love you
for there are others still in my heart too

you know love does not end if you don't pretend
if you believe that true love is true
so everyone i've ever loved is here with me
and if you can't accept that as reality

then we really ought to just be friends
if you think true love can end
but if you can accept and embrace all the love i ever knew
then i will do my best to do the same for you

i may never find the right one
for everyone tells me to keep this truth inside
i don't think that hiding is fun
and i will not trust a heart that has lied

so maybe i will be alone as this life ends
even though i live to be in love
a heart never breaks if it learns to bend
that is the heart i dream of

i just want to find the one who wants all of me
and i want to love all you have ever been as well
it won't work if we can't share each others fantasy
it won't work if there are stories you can't tell

so welcome to my world and all the love i've ever known
never letting go of true love is how my heart has grown
there is endless love inside if we just never choose to hide
tell me everything and let go of fear shame and pride

you know love does not end if you don't pretend
if you believe that true love is true
so everyone i've ever loved is here with me
and if you've know true love you know the same is true for you
tell me everything and we can make everything new
tell me everything and and i'll do the same for you
trust me with everything...
that's how to make love true

ok so guess it wasn't quite over when i thought it was over... took a potty break and came back to find this (and a dozen before... you really ought to start ten or twelve entries back to see what happened last night... or the past few days... or this month, for that matter... it is a december (da da dahhhhhh!), after all, if you recall what that means and if you don't, all the more reason to review and ask after you do)... unless of course you are just passing through and don't really want to know me which is ok, fine even, but jhust in case you do, we have our ways you should know...

so what do you think?... what do you feel?... illusion?... delusion?... or is it real?... can anyone overcome the fear?... someday my princess will appear (thank you walt disney, wherever you are)... it has been an energetic night for the muses, many nights, actually, and days too... far from the magic, but a glimmer of hope may be twinklinf out there in here somewhere (i do believe)... could it really be a return of the secret art (and madness) of redundant repetitivity?... it's actually still not quite 6am, but i am uploading entries that will pop up automatically while i sleep... cuz i do need sleep (and the body wants to heal, arm muscles, remember?) and i never know which entry i should leave up for the whole day (or days if i get too busy)... nice to take a few days off to sit here alone and let the words flow... hope the explanations don't ruin the mood for you... you do have a mood, right?... what is it?...

narf :)

the big business of education

somewhere before or after or during all the mushy stuff i was pondering schools and the big business of education which i believe came up when i was watching the game and wondering if ucf was the second or third largest school by student body and i stumbled on to the financial world where i learned that UCF had an endowment (which is kinda like saying net worth for a business) of $55 Million in 2013... that's 577th on the list... #1?... Harvard, $32.33 Billion and #2 is Yale at $20.78 Billion and U of Texas 3rd at $20.45 Billion... running down the top 10 there is Stanford at $18.69B, Princeton at $18.2B, MIT at $11B, Texas A&M at $8.73B, U of Michigan at 8.38B, Columbia at $8.2B, and Northwestern at $7.9B... yes, Billions... in fact, the top 22 schools account for more than 50% of the total educational value in the US... the 1% lives everywhere, including in the educational institutions that give the children of the !5 the best opportunity to stay in and continue expanding the gap between the 1% and the rest of humanity... the numbers don't lie...

meanwhile, in other news, besides all the other people i mention with respect and admiration (and the occasional lust), i'd like to meet people like fritz wickie and vera rubin; if you know what i mean... intelligent, curious, and not afraid to explore ideas that might not be popular or approved of at the time... and i'd like to see all the girls who go to Harvard, Yale, and other braniac schools naked, but we can't always get what we want... i do try sometimes, but all i need is the air that i breath and love, love, love, you know, all we need is love... and air... and food and water... but i am cutting down lately... and how are you? (how educated and how much in debt, right?)... nude 1%-ers are welcome too... i have started screening for the one again, after all...

narf :)

continuity or what?

i mean, is there some sort of flow like theme forming all of a sudden returning to the creativity that was once my way back to me (as in once there way a way, if you know what i mean) that i mostly drifted away from in recent years due to the missing tapes, betrayals, disappointments, and other hope-defeating experiences but what's this? (referring to these 6 or seven most recent entries last night ya know)... after six thousand (that's 6,000) entries?... could it be?... a tale as old as time that wasn't there before?... something?... out of the nightmare?... oh, how many references can we miss?... or find for that matter... i mean, shouldn't all of those rhymes been uploaded somewhere else, like here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here instead of here?... i probably would have if i was afraid of what you might think or if i was thinking of the various blogs (the rhymes will likely be copied there just for the continuity and all) instead of just letting the words flow freely the way i used to and maybe i am just feeling the restriction of attempted brevity that this blog is all about and maybe i am letting myself out by waking myself up right here where i am real (or that's the plan, ya know?)...

perhaps confession is in order, but whatever does that mean?...

narf :)

that was interesting

well, i may be just covering up the naked vulnerability (shame or embarrassment?... what me worry?) or allowing for the possibility that no one enjoyed the suddenly rhyming segment in this otherwise brief and mostly in the now time blog that the last series of entries presented... maybe santa put some dope in my stocking... or lsd in my coffee... the fact is, all that love stuff has really gotten this hole in my heart looking for some filler and deeper down the purist is like, screw that, i want something real, permanent, forever... so does that mean i am ready to fall in love again?... feeling the magic of the passion of the desire of the power of the wanting of the heart and remembering first love is really quite overwhelming and may just be the wake up call we've been waiting for... could be day twenty of the newly renewed new perspective and attitude and and actualization of the revival of the awareness of waking in this body in the physical world (omgosh, am i ready for that?) that dropping weight discipline started and now feeling the muscles ache again be the catalyst for actually feeling?...

ummmm, yeah, well that was interesting too...

narf :)

last dance (for tonight)

just because we laugh does not mean it's funny... and it doesn't not have to be funny for us to laugh... the first five years of saturday night live is on in the background... and yes, i remember it well...

the record may skip, but it was never broken

the heart was torn, but it was never broken
i lost my mind when i lost you
the truth is sadder words were never spoken
than when you said let's be just friends
i did not know what to do
the record skipped when you said
i don't love you

i still don't think you meant it
you were just trying to keep a friend
but i guess i have to face
you put her ahead of me

i still think i don't believe it
i believe i knew your heart
and i saw you were broken
compromised and torn apart

but we went on, i had to go away
i could not lie, and so i could not stay
somehow you let go and found another to take my place
but was it ever as real as what we had
it may be a question you'll never face

for conformity and compromise is the easier thing to do
than to overcome what others say you should do
and stay true to the love inside of you

am i living an illusion
am i lost in love's confusion
am i creating delusion
to believe in our true love

is it just a fantasy
is it just inside of me
to believe reality
is the dream we still dream of

true love is always true
my record skipped, i'm still stuck on
i love you

ok, so i think i am getting overtired cuz i keep having to hit the backspace key and find the right letters to make the words i want to type here and i don't have an end to this rhyme... i hope you have enjoyed this excusrion into the past in these last series of entries and if you didn't well, don't be cruel to a heart that's true, m'ok?...

nite nite :)

finally, aye?

we come full circle (all my life's a circle, i must say)... this is how it used to be...when i remembered what love means to me... when i remember how it feels... when i remembered how much i could love... when love was really real... the words would flow, i felt a glow, and it felt so sublime... the music in my heart and head would help me pass the time while i waited for the one to inspire a new love rhyme and end the storm of a heart that's torn so we no longer mourn... that is how a love song is born... but until the new love comes the best i can do... is remember how much i loved when love was true and write another love song you you (so don't be cruel, to a heart that's true)...

this is how it used to be
when you were in love with me
the words fell into rhyme
the music fell in time
and life was a euphoric ecstasy

now i don't know what to do
cuz i am still in love with you
even after all this time
you are still my most sublime
it might not make sense but it's true
(i'm still in love with you)

some may think this is sad
some may say i've lost my mind
is it crazy to be happy
i did not leave you behind

when i promised i will love you
i meant till the end of all time
maybe most people just say it
i think that is the sad crime

but you don't have to agree with me
you can be anyone you want to be
and if you didn't mean it that's ok
i still love you anyway

this is how it's meant to be
love is for eternity
love can never end
love cannot pretend
love is a euphoric ecstasy

this is the best i can do
don't pretend you never knew
this is what the heart dreams of
time does not change true love
it doesn't have to make sense to be true
(i can still be in love with you)

i don't mean to scare you
or interfere in your life
it's ok if you don't want me
and you're someone else's wife

we don't have to be together
we may never meet again
but as sure as there is
i will always be your friend

this is how it's meant to be
love is not a fantasy
love can never end
and i am still your friend
for all eternity

this is how it's meant to be
love is my reality
love cannot pretend
love can never end
time does not change what is true
i will always be here for you
if you ever need anything
i will always be here for you

the record may skip, but the record was never broken... the heart was torn, but it was never broken... the milk was spilled, ok, so i guess the container may have been broken but so what?... i mean, even if it was broken, most broken things can be mended... or you just buy another, right?... but money can't buy you love, so maybe that's the difference... there's the rub... and the nevermind...

but the promises were never broken...

well, it's about time

the most real i ever felt, the most love i ever felt, the most trust i ever felt, the most right i ever felt... the most i ever felt... ever felt... ever felt... ever felt... yes it was... and i've searched for the same power intensity and i've searched for the same feeling in me and i've searched for the same reality and all i've found was fantasy since you left me... there seems to be a theme tonight...

the most real i ever felt
the most love i ever felt
the most trust i ever felt
the most right i ever felt
yes it's true

all the wonder and excitement i've known throughout this life
and there has been a lot
does not compared with the time i fell in love for the first time
and i almost forgot

they say you can't go home again and i guess this is what they mean
but how can i not
the foundation for my understanding love and happiness
i almost forgot

the most real i ever felt
the most love i ever felt
the most trust i ever felt
the most right i ever felt
was with you

i've written a few love songs since the first
but somehow they always always felt incomplete
like i could not find a drink to quench my thirst
i searched from the penthouses to the street

there were others who became part of my heart
and we tried to deny what we knew was true
when we'd get near the core of the bottom of my heart
we were not alone for there we would find you

you lived in my heart
you became my heart
i should have known from the start

you lived in my heart
we could not be apart
and it may not be very smart
but you still live in my heart
you are still in my heart
you are still my heart

and all the wonder and excitement i've known throughout this life
and there has been a lot
does not compared with the time i fell in love for the first time
and i almost forgot

they say you can't go home again and i guess this is what they mean
but how can i not
the foundation for my understanding love and happiness
i almost forgot

the most real i ever felt
the most love i ever felt
the most trust i ever felt
the most right i ever felt
was with you

well, now we're getting real... or is this just fantasy (caught in a landslide, no escape from reality... i'm just a poor boy, without a family, open you eyes and see)... i'm still in love with once in love with still in love with once in love with still in love with once in love with (i think the record is skipping... ah, the story of my life, no doubt) i'm still in love with the record skipping...

narf lol lam and sigh :)

there i was

i was nodding off about six hours ago and knew the ucf game was coming on so i drank some iced coffee and and i am still buzzing... and suddenly the question if you could go back in time and change one thing in your life, what would that be? pops up on the tv as if the tv programmers read the previous entry withing moment of it's posting which is that robert klein kind of eerie that doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to (when i was seventeen, that was a very good year) and would i really go back to that fateful moment i gave into the love of one girl when i knew i was already in love with her best friend and say no to the one coming on to me while i waited for the one who i was in love with to let me know she was falling in love with me (which she did just two weeks later) and would we then have lived and be living happily after now even though she may have wanted what she got out of life which was the conformity of the kids and house in the suburbs and happy idiot struggling for the legal tender life never wandering or exploring more than a few miles from the place of birth when deep down i am an explorer with insatiable curiosity who craves learning and new experiences and one for whom conformity never made any sense and is this really a question that can or should be answered and even if it is and it was, what would it matter?...

i never thought it would take so long to find true love again

i thought i knew what love was
we were class couple for a while
but i walked by the program office
and was captured by a smile

i found myself walking by again
i was not sure i should
but i was hooked at first sight
i walked by whenever i could

just to see her face
just to see her smile
it may not have been wise

but i walked by every chance i could
just to see her eyes
i could not get enough of her eyes

we celebrated a year together
bought her a teardrop
but the vision of those eyes haunted me
and nothing i could do would stop

my dreams filled with her face
my dreams filled with her smile
it came as such a surprise

but i walked by every chance i could
just to see her eyes
i could not get enough of her eyes

the class couple had to break up
my heart was somewhere else
i could not live a lie or keep
my dreams up on a shelf

my dreams were her face
my dreams were her smile
i had no more alibies

so i walked by every chance i could
just to see her eyes
i could not get enough of her eyes

and we met and we fell and we broke all rules
and we made love everywhere
and we melted in each others arms
we were the salt in a tear

and we kissed and it felt the love of fools
falling like an eagle flies
feeling our hearts beating as one
lost in each others eyes
so lost in each others eyes

and then she was gone
and somehow i learned to carry on
searching for someone who could understand
i was still lost in her wonderland

i so wanted to love again
gave it so many tries
oh and how i tried
but it seems after all these years
i had to face my worst fear
it has become all too clear
it may not be wise
but i am still part of her tears
i'm still lost in her eyes

my dreams are her face
my dreams are her smile
i cannot compromise

i still walked by every chance i can
just to see her eyes
i can not get enough of her eyes

my dreams are her face
my dreams are her smile
i cannot compromise

i still walk by every chance i can
just to see her eyes
i can not get enough of her eyes

i'm still lost in her eyes
i'm still lost in her eyes
i'm still lost in her eyes

well, this must be december, a few weeks late, but there goes my baby, writing one more line... wonder where, wonder where, she is now... so take good care of my baby... cuz cherish is the word that used to describe all the feeling that i had hiding here for her inside... and there could never be a portrait of my love, for nobody can paint a dream so i will sing till tomorrow waiting for this magic moment to come back to me... cara mia, why?... wow, it might as well be the first of may...

narf :)

has it been that long?

while i enjoy myself all by myself rambling along here in this blog and many others as another calendar year comes to an end, i pause to reflect, quite accidently cuz the mouse fell and click on the link that inspired this entry and asked the title question, on the past year, the past years, and maybe even past lives (or maybe just this life time, though i don't know if we have time for that and that is certainly not something that is suited to brevity which is still the ultimate goal of this blog but getting back to the title question... well, apparently it has... yet somehow thousands of entries appears right here in spite of that consideration more than almost thirty months ago and instead of moving on, i simply expanded here in the blog world... offline i did make a new start though it took fifteen months to get there (and i blew the opportunity to really make a new start for this life as i had the time to focus a whole lot of energy on myself and this body and i let distractions and laziness and stress get in the way, dummy, but perhaps the new life starts here, as the waterboys sing and there is a blast from the past)...

all the waiting time

sometimes it starts with the title
an idea comes out of the blue
the memories of a dream long gone
suddenly starts coming through

it always starts with a moment
as if we did not have a clue
it hits the mind like a ton of bricks
and now i am thinking of you

the memory can't be avoided
no matter how long it's been
no matter how long forgotten
it's always ready to begin

as if we can live in a moment
that lasts an eternity
that is the power of true love
that's what you gave to me

you gave ne the most precious passion
unconditional trust and more
unconditional love actualized
a heart with no wall or door

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
the way we fell
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

and this song is wandering now
through gardens of memories
melodies change with the seasons
some become fantasies

there have been other lovers
that came right out of the blue
but no one has ever compared
to what i shared with you

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

this song will only end
when i feel it again
if you understand, be a friend
help me sing it again
and again and again

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

ok, that was revealing... the first cut is the deepest, no doubt.. and repetitive... truth doesn't change when it's the truth, ya know?... yeah, rambling rhymes, babbling on, it has been a while... so who's feeling naked, vulnerable, real, now... well, that's enough reflection for one night... or at least for one entry...

unintentional letter to santa

earlier today i received a request to play a game in ruzzle from santa claus... unfortunately santa is not very good at ruzzle, so he gave me a win... not much of a challenge, but a win feels good... it won't feel good to keep playing santa as he's no competition, but thanks santa... maybe we can be friends and i can help you get better at the game... or play something else... come to think of it, since giving is my second favorite thing to do in life, a wonderful gift would be letting me help you on xmas eve... or you could send the one cuz sharing caring (honest love and unconditional trust) is my favorite thing to do in this life (i've been told i do it too easily and too often, but hey, how can you know someone should not be trusted before you try trusting them, right?)... she doesn't even have to be gift wrapped... or dressed at all, for that matter... sigh, someone who understands me... i could also use a good doctor, dentist, lawyer, and a few winning lottery tickets so i can give away a lot more stuff to help more people and make more people happy... ummmm, well, i didn't actually intend to write a letter to santa this year cuz i know how busy you are and i am probably not telling you anything you didn't already know (what i want - giving, sharing caring, the one, unconditional trust), but thanks again santa for your sense of humor, your understanding, and the game... keep up the good work...

oh, i really could use a new cellphone, ipad, laptop, bose music system,

really narf lol lam laa :)

i could have written that

wow, i wonder why nobody has found this blog besides me... it seems intense, brutal at times... painful... real... and still so beautiful at times... i can so relate... there seem to be several voices and i almost want to be one... i think i'm gonna try to find a way in... cuz there's got to be a way to let it all out like that... yeah, like the joker said to the thief, if you recall... someone said to fly you've got to learn to fall... yeah, i have heard to learn to fly you've got to learn to fall...

one thing for sure, i sure know how to fall...

so what else is new?... i'm just sitting here watching the bowl game, enjoying the tree jackson and i put up, feet up in the recliner, laptop on the lap, emptying my head, drinking my ices coffee drink (reflecting on how the cup sweats even at this time of year which brings back some memories of the frost and snow and white... but all romanticism about holidays and seasons aside, i am a tropical bird so this is as far north as i ever really want to live... and suddenly i wonder if there are more intelligent alert aware people in colder climates because it is more challenging to survive than it is in warmer climates... and now i wonder if that a random thought or does it fit in with the flow of this entry... perhaps i ought to watch the game, but it's not looking so good for the home team and that's no fun, especially alone... do parentheses somehow tap into a different channel of the mind?), and wishing you were somehow here again (maybe i should turn on some music)...

narf :)

for the home team

the bitcoin bowl... yes, bitcoin... don't pretend you've never heard of it... but i must say i not quite fully aware that the company was big enough to be th primary sponsor of a semi-major college football bowl game... bitcoin, the future?... really?... are they taxed?... whatever, i'm more interested in the football game cuz ucf is playing and jackson is an alum and she bleeds for her teams, so i root for her teams (and besides, they are the local university, second biggest in the country and all that and first in number of undergraduate students)... not to say it's #1 in overall ranking (by these standards, which can be arbitrary and dependent on the ranking organization's method, even when the same organizartion does the ranking, ya know?), but after all, there is a whole lot of money in the education business... but anyway, tonight it's about football...

i have friends at the game, but because jackson went home to her family for xmas, i decided not to head to the game and rather save the money i'd have spent on tickets, hotel, food, and whatever other fun i decided to have in st pete... i probably could have been talked into going, but i have distanced myself from everyone except jackson in the personal life sphere this year (for reasons we can explore some other time), so there is just two of us on the home team these days... plenty of room for the one in case she happens by... let her know, ok?... wait, what about the game? (i am adrift in my dreams, no doubt)...

maybe more later...

itch on the back

a small pinpoint spot on the back is itching like crazy not and then... jackson says nothing it there, but i feel it... an ingrown hair, she suggests, but it is so extremely distracting when it happens, it drives me crazy... another reason to visit with a doctor who might poke at it, cut it out, biopsy it, or somehow stop the itch... so i decided it was time for a steamy hot shower cuz my aching upper arm and inner shoulder muscles sure can use the heat therapy and the itch is gone for the moment and the muscles feel much better... these muscles have been pushed a lot in this life, as have the rest of these body parts, so i know i am pushing limits that our father's generation though extreme and prior generations would not have imagined, but what choice do i have?... it's not like i am normal or know how to conform, ya know?...

yeah, whatever, if nobody ever gets all the jokes, well, yuk yuk, nyuk nyuk, nod nod wink wink, and so it goes... i can still dream of finding her anyway... thing is, i lost interest in looking... i've always been told that when we genuinely stop actively looking for love, that is when she's just supposed to somehow, suddenly, when you least expect it, "arrive"... yeah, that's what they said... lies!... they tell lies!... whomever they are...

don't look now, but the itch is back...

narf lol lam :)

good morning

the weight loss program babbled about in the previous entry and other places continues as lunch (and breakfast) was a salmon, mushroom soup, and peas... no bread or anything else... yup, another day (half day) doing the right thing... the arms still ache but not as much... the motivation to go out for a walk/run continues to rise, but just is not here for the moment possibly due to concerns about the sudden large weight loss, minimal calorie diet, the age of the body, and most of all the blood pressure...

more to follow, ya falla?

modern medicine

i will be taking the body to two doctors for first visit interviews in the next seven days and hopefully one of the doctors will convince me to trust him (both happen to be male though that is not why they were chosen, both are compromises as reading through hundreds of doctor's profiles have not impressed me enough to even want to go see a doctor for the basic check ups this past year... but it is time for the check ups and i need a doctor to order the tests, so i shall attempt trusting a doctor and the medical science once again... my biggest issue with trusting modern medicine is i've worked in health care since i was a teenager and it is not the caring compassionate life saving experience it should be... it is a business, quite cutthroat, and an industry... medical science is mostly about manufacturing and selling product from drugs to equipment to machines... that is not to say there is no value in the drugs or equipment or machines, but i know first hand, second hand, and in too many ways that the priority is the budget, like most aspects of our world from religion to breakfast cereal, it's all about the money... increasing revenue... it is done by minimizing insurance risks, reducing time spent with each patient, and selling product... we are heading for online computerize diagnoses and treatment, warehousing the old, and assembly line medicine... have i started ranting yet?)...

so anyway, i will be taking this body to two doctors in the next seven days... the primary reason is blood pressure which i can no longer control through red yeast rice, garlic, and diet (though dropping weight will hopefully help)... i need a compromise i can live with, literally, and i am hoping one of the two will provide one... if not, i will keep looking...

the primary concern is blood pressure (peaking at 215/110, which is why i am finally getting back to a doctor and will seriously consider medication)... i really do not want to start medication until i am under 180 pounds and running again to see what my baseline blood pressure is when i am at a more ideal weight and in much better shape because the blood pressure medications create a dependancy and increase blood pressure if dosages are not maintained or increase, which has happened to me... my blood pressure was never more than 140/90 until i went on blood pressure medication... it actually went up on the medication and since stopping, well, it's scary high... the risk of exploding and dying while trying to get in better shape is the risk i will discuss with the doctors...

life, can't live without it... narf, ya know?

weight loss

and on the 19th day i reach another new weight loss high of 15 pounds... most likely the average is in the neighborhood of 12-13 as i am just waking and slightly dehydrated and i store a lot of water which is why i can drop 10 pounds in the first week of a strict weight loss dietary change, but this is a very good sign that i did not do too much damage falling off the wagon last weekend and so far i am hanging on to the wagon pretty well this week considering yesterday was xmas and there is temptation everywhere and i am not working in the office or going anywhere (i did work nine hours yesterday, but at home alone where (at least at first... when i've lived alone i adjust and loneliness goes away and will power is at it's strongest because there are no distractions, stresses, or frustrations so there is minimal or no emotional hunger but i don't live alone these days so when jackson goes away for a few days i feel the initial loneliness and the emotional hunger that comes from it... also, the desire to share is rising {in case you didn't notice in recent entries} which increases emotional hunger which pressure on will power and some of you may know that rather vicious cycle so anyway, the will powers diminish severely, especially when i am feeling lonely or under stress and there was a fair share of frustration from work yesterday)...

so will i reach the 20 pound weight loss by the new year?... doubtful, but then, that was a rather ridiculous goal (i appreciate ridiculous goals sometimes... they test my rational thinking process as i either laugh {which is a sign of rational thinking} or i become frustrated or depressed over not making the rather ridiculous goal {which is quite irrational, but mostly human} and i am laughing so this may just be rational thinking... what?... you don't test your brain now and then?... ok, so anyway again, as i started this whole dietary change on the 7th and losing 20 pounds in 24 days is not exactly reasonably sane or healthy... i am determined to be very strict this weekend though (famous last words? lol lam)... i will be facing modern medical judgment on monday, after all, and i do not want to start at anywhere near max weight... at least now i am pretty certain i will take the whole medical advice thing somewhat seriously... i do have another doctor's appointment on friday as i am shopping for a new doctor...

for those of you who have not been following along closely (or maybe you don't read my other blogs or maybe you have never been here before and don't know anything about me, in which case, hello and welcome to my babbling {and brevity and the occasional rhyme and reason, all of which happens here from time to time} which is my way even though this blog is my latest attempt at writing briefly, succinctly, concisely, and what might even be called normally... you might as well know that i don't do normal too well, but this is not meant to be an introduction to me so hello again and welcome again and everybody say hi so we can find our way out of this parentheses), i let this body bloat up and am in the midst of the initial max-cleansing and strict dietary restrictions which will continue for another few weeks, at least (we hope) with the usual binges every week or so (and by binges during this restricted dietary time i mean some pasta and meatballs and cheese or chinese buffet or some other comfort food, not a big bag of m&ms or ice cream or other extreme binge that got me to the point where the body needs to drop 30 pounds find me again (and another 10 to be where the charts say i ought to be... those charts are so wrong for me though as most people consider me looking quite ill when i am at my ideal body weight, mostly because i have broad shoulders... we shall see how far i go this time as i wake up and remember the high weight bloat does not feel good... hey, i am halfway to my first goal, so yay for halfway...

at least i am not going to my new doctors for my first annual check up in a couple of years at my max weight... i was at max weight for this life before i started this, so while good sense, reality, and wanting to live does strongly suggest i should not drop thirty pounds in a week or even in a month, i suddenly have renewed determination to stop indulging the food junkie and and return to my comfortable weight which will be determined once i get there as bodies change over time and the teenage body that was 147 pounds once upon a time is probably not where i need to be or even fifteen years ago when the body was 160... but seriously, "For your height, a normal weight range would be from 129 to 174 pounds." I was below 1% body fat as a teenager at 147 as modern medical science suggests 129 pounds for 5'10"?... no wonder anorexia and other eating disorders are so prevalent in our culture... too much bad science, not enough common sense... so i will shoot for the 180s for now and see how i feel...

besides, i carry a at least few pounds of water in my kidney sacs (water cysts or something like that inside my kidneys... abnormal or part camel or perhaps an evolutionary advantage as the doctors of the past found no harm in them) that i'll likely have the doctors check out next year... the arms are aching after the second day of workout (and minimal food intake... i must eat some protein today, but i am so not hungry at the moment... i know fasting and exercise are not friends)... the body is waking and hunger is nudging just a bit, so some lean protein for the muscles is in order... and that is the weight loss report we've all been waiting for... or something like that...

all this and more

the silliness, the bleeding, the irreverence, the serious concerns, the meaningless babbling, the profound pleasures, the poignant pains... everything is here... if you want to find it, all you need to do is look... there are only 6000 entries so far, after all :)

and believe it or not, kinda sorta magically, if you just sit right here on this page long enough, you will find a whole lot more reading than (e)thereal :)

narf :)

do you know me?

do you have a singular driving force, a singular desire in life that dominates your decisions and choices and everything you do?... i think everyone does, but some may be more in touch (or uncontrolled) than others... many may fear knowing the power of their own deepest dominant desire and life certainly offers many ways to avoid, distract, and lose touch with one's self... i do that sometimes making myself so busy with the work i do, the 24/7 caring for others, but i somehow find my way back... even when i am as low as i go and wonder if there is any hope left, i somehow find my way back to my seemingly endless stream of hope and what i have called the energy of the eternal infinity, the energy that keeps me awake at night longing to share it for it is not enough to share it in dreams... to share unconditional trust, honest love, and everything...

wanting to share
keeps me awake at night
hoping someone will come
to share the time 'til morning light

wanting to share
leads me to eat too much
sensual hunger craves stimulation
but nobody's here to touch

wanting to share
drives me to seek
any kind of escape
when the desires peak

wanting to share
with all my might
keeps me awake at night
keeps me awake at night
keeps me awake at night

everybody has a dream :)

perspective (everywhere always)

it was nice for jenna to visit on xmas and provide the illusion she is... she is so adorable and raises hope in me for believing the innocent infinite sharing i seek is still possible in this world... to overcome all fears and be totally aware... to gaze into eyes like those, like mine, for hours, to breath the same air, to sleep the same sleep, the love the same love... honest love... to actualize the unconditional trust... to believe that someone who moves me to dream again will appear and life will begin as it never has been before... and the few who know how close it gets, the few who almost got there with me (alas, if only there were not so many distractions, baggages, and other priorities in the way), you may still remember and understand... listening to this soundtrack almost randomly, but then, is anything truly random?... or is everything?... we can make connections anywhere out of anything, after all... from the previous entry to the beginning of time (or end, for that matter), we make everything what it is with our perspective...

someone to love
someone to love me
honest love
endless love
all i want to see
in this life
and everywhere always

someone to love
someone to love me
completely
openly
honestly
in this life
and everywhere always

someone to love
to share everything
this is my illusion
my dream, my promise
and my reality
in this life

and when the music plays
i remember
everywhere always
love's everywhere always
and all we have to do
is be open to it
and it will shine through
and we can do it

someone to love
someone to love me
someone who stays
in this life
and everywhere always

i promised myself i wouldn't give up and when i find myself (when i am not lost in the busy business of worklife and helping others), i remember i do not break promises... they may fall asleep for a while, they may be lost in the distance of being out of touch, but they remain alive and well inside waiting for the reconnection... your promise is right here waiting for you... as is mine... hope we reconnect soon while our bodies still breath... and still, with all i am, hope my dream comes true...

nite nite :)

coming up for air (almost)

reaching back to some of the hundred or so blogs, especially a few of the dormant shared blogs, might remind me that i've always been seeking a friend for the end of the world and that just might lead one (or me, even) to wonder how long have you been there (or preaching disguised as babbling, even) without even asking (are you waiting for me to ask?... well there's a proper question, now isn't it?) really?... seriously? (who will laugh at the end with me?)... did you think we're gonna live forever?... maybe... there's still music (and hope?)... yes hope... even at the end of the world...

if you stop by for the holiday season or for the new year or for any reason, may you be smiling and no matter where or when, truly believing and knowing you are loved... and missed... truth... you are, all the time, always loved and missed...

and not something like that, but that, exactly that :)

kit :)

wandering the web a bit

stumbling upon these on youtube rather randomly, i will visit the following when i have time and give them names that might relate to what they might be... nationalities ... imagine no possessions ... future plans ... big ada badda boom ... history ... religion just for the heck of it... or would you rather watch tv?... i am listening... tell me i am not the only one? (so hopeful, we are, aye? :)

sometimes i let youtube playlists expand my listening, they can be so random sometimes... or maybe that's just me...

narf :)

finally done

so i spent the whole day working on policies and processes and have it all ready for when my staffing director returns from her quasi-vacation (she's not using any of her time, so she's on call but not going in to work... that's the kind of generous boss i am... she's off next week too... she didn't prepare well though so she's getting a lot of calls)... anyway, i developed an positive direction (counseling and consequence) policy for attendance violations which they don't really have at the moment and sent it to the human resources director in the hope she will see how much we need it to control attendance abuses... and i have a process and tracking system and plan for my staffing director to use to address staff who are violating the attendance policy... and next year, there should be a lot fewer calls...

so what was your day like (anybody out there today?)...

narf :)

exploring music

some time later on, like twelve hours from now, i am going to write this entry... it is here because it belongs here in the chronological scheme of things, just because... anybody want to sit with me and listen to some music?... i found this quite randomly and love the mix of languages, even if there may be religious messages in the words as some of the titles suggest... as i do not understand the languages, the words, for me, are simply sounds and part of the music... and part of my listening tonight along with other music linked in recent entries... sometimes i run out of patience for the tv and want some less commercial creativity... and i miss the explorations i used to share as into the ever expanding musical creativity in this world... the longing to share is rising again, especially the longing to share creativity... the dream of sharing adoration still lives and breathes inside of me... you can't fake adoration, you know...

anyway, this is for the record, in case we wonder what the music was:

Part One: Day

Baba Yetu - "Our Father" - Swahili
Mado Kara Mieru - "Through The Window I See" - Japanese
Dao Zai Fan Ye - "The Path Is In Returning" - Mandarin
Se É Pra Vir Que Venha - "Whatever Comes, Let It Come" - Portuguese
Rassemblons-Nous - "Let Us Gather" - French

Part Two: Night

Lux Aeterna - "Eternal Light" - Latin
Caoineadh - "To Cry" - Irish
Hymn do Trójcy Świętej - "Hymn To The Holy Trinity" - Polish

Part Three: Dawn

Hayom Kadosh - "Today Is Sacred" - Hebrew
Hamsáfár - "Journey Together" - Farsi
Sukla-Krsne - "Light And Darkness" - Sanskrit
Kia Hora Te Marino - "May Peace Be Widespread" - Maori

here's some more...

the best part of waking up

as i mentioned somewhere in the babbling of the past ten or so entries, i made some gourmet coffee tonight and something magical happened... santa came and had a couple of cups... yup, i made a bit more than six cups, had half a cup myself, and when i returned to the kitchen there was less than four cups left... what?... you are going to suggest evaporation?... in an hour or two?... well if that's the case the already seriously strong stuff is going to be concentrated, even better for iced coffee... but i am pretty sure it was santa, after all, he knew it was the strongest stuff around and needs the boost doing what he does all night... i would have some more myself, but i don't want my blood pressure to hit 300 and besides, sleep is necessary and i should make time for some even if i am wired... kind of like i must make time to eat even if i am not hungry or the body goes into starvation mode and will not burn as many calories... just must keep the calories down to as low as possible while maintaining the balanced diet high in protein that the body needs, especially as exercise begins...

but the best part of waking up is not the coffee no matter how strong and/or gourmet it is, the best part of waking up is being awake... understanding... comprehending... being conscious and aware and in touch and unafraid and ready for anything... i am so ready for anything and still, i want what i want...

tried to sleep

but work keeps waking me... there is a serious need for retraining for my staffing director and all staff and for implementing a better system of staffing... last night a staff on the schedule did not show and did not answer her phone when called... this morning the day supervisor texted me to let me know that two of the scheduled evening staff told the evening supervisor last night that they will not be coming in this evening because they were granted the evening off by the previous staffing director... this is in spite of the fact that they have been on the posted schedule for this evening all month... even if they produce a document granting them time off, waiting until this late to question the schedule is not only unprofessional, it is unacceptable performance and unprofessional showing irresponsibility and disregard for the health and safety of clients... it is setting up management for failure, which they will understand if they actually do not show up for their scheduled shift tonight... i can't have my managers failing, so i'll develop the solution and put it in her hands and expect her to ask questions until she understands and follow through with implementing, monitoring it, and letting me know how it's going so training can continue...

so, time to start working... see you later...

narf :)

stupendalicious

not quite supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but getting there... as the night gets deeper (or is that me) the dichotomy expands (is that what the universe does?... we'll ask carl sagan when we see him again) and reaches for extremes and then beyond... there is no reason beyond the moment, though much motivation can be found in memories and dreams and hopes for tomorrow... credit karma just told me my auto credit score is 843, whatever that means... i think they were trying to sell me something... if there was a way to get an accurate credit score and report for free i'd get it, or them since there are three different companies judging credit... but the free score seems more like a come on for a complete credit report... that has nothing to do with whatever the point of this entry might have been, or perhaps it does as judgment determines so much in this world... as does money... financial status... our value is so judged by our spending power by most of the world... and i remain torn between pure existential ethereal freedom, living without possessions wherever the wind might take me and trying to fit into the human culture, the happy idiot struggling for the legal tender... so goes the material world dichotomy, but there is so much more...

i have never been more alone in this world... no one knows me, not the real me deep down... and i've learned to be so inconsistent, i baffle those who come near... no one gets close, for the ones i allow close fear too much... or perhaps everyone fears too much... i have never been more comfortable being alone in this world... i have never been as content and happy within myself as i am now... the hunger to share remains, as does the loneliness, yet the desperation to find someone is all but gone... if she arrives, the dream will come true... if not, i enjoy the moment and myself...

that is the best i can do and life is stupendalicious knowing i am doing the best i can do... wishing i can share it all, knowing i enjoy it all one stupendalicious moment at a time :)

the doctor's eye candy

i refer to jenna coleman, of course, who has eyes so great at curious adoration and devotion that i would love to stare into her face for a few hours and find out who is behind that look of wonderment and excitement... hey, she's got a way about her, what can i say... something in the way she moves... and looks... hey, libbo is entitled to enjoy his fantasies... i mean, it's not all about milla and mila and meg, after all... it's the haliday season, after all, so natalie wood returns in miracle on 34th st to the child libbo was when he first fell in love with her... she was one of libbo's first fantasy crushes, after all, when baby libbo was just starting out exploring this body's sensuality... what?... you don't have a libido?...

anyway, it is nice to see she will be returning for another season after the tease of her possibly leaving the show... i'm looking forward to the show returning... orphan black too, and not just for the eye candy, but that sure helps... yeah, i know, some entries are mostly drivel... but maybe a few egos were stroked so it's not a waste of time...

narf :)

everybody's got the right to their own delusions

the objection is when one person's delusion makes any attempt to negate another's delusion, or reality for that matter... it's the same for the physical life... everyone's got the right to live any way they please, except when one chooses to try to stop another from living their way... balance is the only way... natural balance can be quite cruel, but intelligent balance brings kindness and fairness and equity into the balance and hopefully human beings are developing into an intelligent species (there are way too many signs that it not happening, but there's always hope {i hope} and that must be the only reason i have for staying personally, individually, globally, and universally)... i suppose another term for delusion, in this context, is blind faith... those who believed the world was flat were wrong, but they were entitled to believe in a flat world unless they tried to stop others from believing different... unfortunately, human history is inundated with examples of intolerance of different beliefs and that is one of the saddest (and clearest) signs that intelligence has not quite become the dominant trait of humanity...

i wonder what other animals belief... or trees, for that matter... trees have been around a lot longer than humans, after all, so they might just know something about longevity we humans don't know... like maybe something like learn to be still, especially when conflict can be avoided by stillness... imagine if two armies poised for war would choose to meditate on peace instead, just pause and reflect on the bullets they are about to fire or bombs they are about to drop or the consequences of the buttons they are about to push... put faces on the buttons and intelligence just might happen... yes, i am a hopeful child... aren't you?...

my delusion is peace, love, and happiness... open minds, open hearts, and honest love... actualized... if i can live it, it just might become real...

and narf :)