i'd be asleep now, but...

a dog needs walking and, whatever... developed a profound frontal lobe headache this afternoon at work from (most likely) caffeine withdrawal (had lots from thursday through yesterday, at least i think i had some yesterday, though maybe i stopped yesterday... the brain still hurts when i think... or blink... or am awake) and eating lighter today and increased, though insufficient sleep (waking during a third REM cycle is often not a good thing, but i went to sleep early last night and had to wake for work this morning) and lack of exercise and other body imbalances and some stress (mostly, constant responsibility for others can do that as i have no off switch in my head, which is an old song never heard before, though often sung, in case you wondered) and some other stuff and polly wally doodle all day and as i said a few moments ago in a partial sentence fragment that seems like it might have been some long lost time forever before this moment, or something like that, whatever and so went into bed right after i got home and walked and fed the kids and would be asleep now except happiness would not let me go back to sleep after i woke to pee cuz he was wimpering and panting cuz he needed to go out cuz he stresses when jackson doesn't come home and jackson is staying at sanford's tonight (she probably told me last night but i was so brain-dead tired i was not registering all the dates she was telling me she would be staying at sanford) and he pulled his usual stunt of not going poo again because he just wanted to stay outside and look for jackson's car like he did earlier and now he is still panting (he does this when she is away) and i am not sure when the last time he pooed was and so here i am trying not to feel my frontal lobe (which is much much better than it was before but...

what was i saying?...

this (constant car of others and being me in a space with animals) was so much easier when i was not working and didn't have to sleep at night and wake up in the mornings... now happiness is laying directly in the path jackson would take walking through the front door, right outside my bedroom, the only entryway into the bedrooms area... still panting out the stress... he does that so he will wake if she walks through the door - or if i move... i wish he would just fall asleep cuz his stressful panting is stressful for me too... the tapping on the keyboard helps them both rest partly cuz it distracts my energy so they don't come looking for the connection they feel when i am not distracted... it's an energy field communication thing... sometimes called empathy... connects everything in the universe... but it's not a words thing... words just help distract me and active fingers help create the space between so they can fall asleep... but for me, alas, putting on clothes and walking in the night air woke me up anyway... hopefully the head aching continues going away and does not return... i did not eat dinner and eating now would not help this body lose a pound or two... especially not the comfort food the brain might likely find if it takes the body into the kitchen... dang habits and patterns, the animals do not want me to change mine... sleeping through the night would have been good tonight... grumbling here helps distract me from the empathy that both happiness and curious feel that keeps us all awake... humans don't understand some things...

it would be so much better for the animals if sanford would come here... me too probably... but she has animals and a teenager... this is why i don't want pets, animals dependent on me full time, but i've mentioned that before, haven't i... these are the nights i ponder how different my life would be if i lived alone and had the $30K i spent on jackson and sanford over the last few years... buying a new car and lots of things would be so much easier... but i'd be missing the family feeling and probably would have just adopted somebody else by now... adopting people in need is my way in this world... wishing i had a partner who did it with me is always my way... wishing and adopting... and grumbling when i don't get enough sleep...

i don't like entries like these... too much whining...

i used to wonder why i can't be insensitive and not feel the stress and such in the animals (and children) around me like everybody else?... it used to be that i felt so much more though... the planet and the ecosytem used to cry out to me every night when i was a younger child... that is one reason i am nocturnal... or maybe i noticed because i am, chicken or egg, perhaps... empathy is such a two edged sword in this world... grump... the brain is looking for more distraction now... happiness is almost asleep thenks to no attention and the taping of the keys... food will likely wake him... stepping over him to go into my bed will likely wake him... will the brain sleep on the couch tonight?... the brain is looking for more distraction... sometimes i wish i did not have a tv... maybe i will turn it on...

they are both almost asleep now... wish i was...

narf...

What Was Real, What Is Real

Maybe you were never here
and maybe you never cared
maybe you just used me when you needed me
I hardly ever see you now
but you still call when you need something
even now

and next year
and next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
I need honesty
I need someone who cares
I need loyalty

we all need something
I need a friend
someone who won't leave
love without end

and still I keep this blog alive
somehow to keep this hope alive
that you may stop the lie
and be a friend someday

and if that time ever arrives
I hope I am still alive
so your heart doesn't hurt
because you stayed away

it is still not too late to keep your promise
to not abandon me like all the others
it's still not too late to be the person you want to b
it's in your heart to believe we are all sisters and brothers
imagine all the people sharing all the world
the dream really can come true
the goodness in your heart has the best of intentions
but what is real is what you do

what was real, what is real
is you only use me when you need me
but what is real can change in a moment
you can be the friend you want to be

another year
it is next year
will it still be the same
will you leave me alone
until you need something

we all need something
and when you need me
I'll still be here
I'll still be there

we all need something
and I need you to be
the person you want to be
so you can know peace
stop being afraid
to be who you want to be
true to your word
a true friend
true to family

the end of this song is waiting for you...

b

So many people promise to love forever, to always be there, to always care. So many people just drop that promise when someone else comes into their lives. So many people are torn by betrayal, living in fear, afraid to share. You don't have to be one of those people. Live up to the ideals of your steeple. You don't have to abandon your friends. You can prove your love never ends.

Yeah, yeah yeah.

Everyone I've ever loved has left me. Still somehow I believe in the possibility that human beings can be trusted. There are almost seven thousand entries in this blog, almost all written while living with my BFF. At least that's what she called me. A while back I lived with someone who called me the love of my life for eight years. We even bought a house together. I don't hear from her anymore. I gave everything I had to another who let be take the role of father to her kids and she left me on the street with nothing, literally, nothing. It took me more than a year to rebuild a life. Then there was first love. We were forever, or so we said. BFF is supposed to be forever too. Forever doesn't mean the same thing to me I guess.

There were others I trusted and they took everything I could give until I had nothing left and they left when I had no more to give them. All called themselves friends. All took everything I could give and left as soon as I had no more to give. None stayed in touch, except one, but mostly by text unless she need something. Yes, you.

I don't know why I continue believing in human beings when I have so much evidence that people can not be trusted. I just keep believing there is someone who can give it all the way I do and keep hoping I will find her and she will want to share it all with me.

None of the doors ever close. None of the blogs ever end.

That was real, this is real.

Narf :)

sunday morning sunshine?

i disappear sometimes, just like everybody else... ah, the reference to harry aside, everybody does from time to time... i refer to going silent, shutting down, withdrawing from social interactions, closing the door and staying inside...

whether it is disengaging from an online community like facebook or any website communication tool or becoming withdrawn in the physical world by not going out as much or not calling people or less, no reaching out at all, everybody does it from time to time to different degrees... and different people have very different reasons for disappearing or becoming as bob from what about bob? would say, temporarily disconnected... for me, it's a feeling of wtf?... even more to the point, wtp? as in what's the point?...

like am i reaching anybody by reaching out?... is my attempting to share worth anything outside of the release of thoughts it provides for me?...

these questions call out louder when i receive no feedback, but still, even in the face (book and not book, or blog even) of lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, or recognition... even in the event of rejection or being ignored... even in the circumstance of conflict or hostility, i generally continue to share on and offline... i will withdraw from offline sharing faster than online sharing, but i still continue to attempt to share and when i do pause, it is seldom for more than a few days... and i just about always want to catch up when i return...

these days, living with a best-friend roommate insures i don't withdraw much from the offline sharing even as i turn down some social opportunities to enjoy others because i am not as eager to rush from one group to another as i once was (or am i just choosing change, either way, i still go out the play)... and having an addiction to daily public writing (you're looking at it, aye?) keeps me sharing words on the internet even when nobody seems to notice or care to share (based on lack of response)... but even with the opportunities to share offline and the addiction to hopeful attempted sharing online, i pull back and stop reaching out now and then too...

today i ask myself why...

and my primary trigger, button, motivation to close up and go silent is feeling like i am wasting my time which comes from a feeling of being ignored, mostly... and ultimately that feeling comes when my inner hope for sharing diminishes and the reality of my sitting out in public mostly (or quite, even) naked leads me to wonder if putting myself out here, there, or anywhere and putting energy into reaching out on the hope of sharing is worth it...

is it getting me what i want?... well, sort of and sometimes... but not all i want (sharing) and not some essential things i want in life, like more sharing, daily sharing of words, and then offline - more eye-contact sharing, and more sharing close-personal-intimate sharing... and so then i ask - can i be doing other things that will get me what i want?... and the answer is yes, so i wander away from the habits of reaching out into silence and try other things like going out more...

but the writing always calls me back and the hope of sharing words always calls me back just like the giving in life always happens even when i am giving so much that i am hurting myself by giving too much... it's just what i do, what gives me a self of doing my best to be the best i can be and that, in spite of the drawbacks and potential for pain or loss, makes me happier than any other way i've tried, yes, even with the occasional hurts...

so i explore here, not for the first time i suppose, why i disappear... it gives me something to say, something to share here... some introspection comes when interaction pauses because, after all, who else do i have around to talk to? :}

hopefully i am not wasting my time and the words i leave here today do not make the words i left here on previous days worthless and ignored, but that is life and it's no different anywhere... this is just another place to put words, be it my primary daily place at the moment, in the hope that you will share... and when you are not sharing, just reading, yeah you - old friends and first time readers, you too, i continue writing to a void... i know there is a chance you are reading and might respond... i don't know if you actually read all the words cuz sometimes i write a dozen or more entries before you pop back in the respond to the most recent one, but i know there is a chance, a hope that you are reading and it matters and has worth...

so rather than let the am i being ignored again? and feeling of wasting my time get to me, i continue... it is not always easy to continue into a void... today, this self-analysis is helping me continue... and my hope that you understand continues... and my hope that you will respond acknowledging me and showing some understanding continues...

so in the end, it is largely about hope for sharing for me... why i disappear?... hope weakens and allows selfishness to grow and self-worth to go elsewhere for food... and why i continue?... it is hope for more sharing, caring, being well, being aware, and responses that might confirm understanding, connection, sharing... i find ways to keep hope alive because hope is my inspiration... whatever your inspiration is - i hope you find your ways to keep it alive too...

ta da, a sermon for a sunday morning, aye? :)

fuck depression

then again, maybe not... we wouldn't want depression to reproduce, after all... yeah, i know, bad joke, especially for anyone who is depressed... or maybe not... maybe it got a chuckle out of my depressed readers... it did from me, but then my depression is quite unique and ever changing and combined with the fact that my perspective is quite unique and every change and added to the fact that this entry may be quite unique and every change, well, it could just be my warped mind amused by the multi-layered meanings of the word fuck, especially in this context)... feel free to let me know... but bad (or good) jokes aside, fuck depression...

oh, did i write fuck?... i apologize to the offended, i meant to say frick or frack or something like that... my bad... i'll be sure to censor myself next time... if i remember... did you miss the point now?... get in line...

ok, so anyway, to be seriously serious for as long as we can stand it, we are all depressed to some extent... or repressed... or suppressed... or something like that... no one uses their whole mind, in fact, most people use a fraction or a percent of their brain... and even that tiny part is clouded in fears and doubts and thinking errors that prevent awareness and enlightenment and positivity and the energy of the eternal infinity and multiverse from shining through... is there any mind in a human that can be truly compared to a bright and sunny day?... continuing the weather analogy, most human minds are quite cloudy, even stormy, and quite cloaked in darkness...

it (the collective consciousness of humans) is not as dark as it was a few hundred years ago, or six or seven hundred years ago, but just a hundred years ago so much more ignorance was dominant in the collective knowledge and beliefs of humanity... and even today, ignorance and delusion dominate most human minds... depression is a natural outcome from that, for ignorance and delusion are quite confusing and scary for the part of the mind that seeks truth and logic and what is right... something is wrong or something feels wrong defines depression... something feels wrong and i just don't know why... and eventually, i just don't care anymore...

it is the helplessness of the dark cloud of not knowing just what is wrong or even worse, knowing what is wrong at least on the surface (life sucks, loss of loved one, job, money, freedom, or anything meaningful missing or gone in a life) and not knowing how to fix it... the helplessness of seeing no way to fix what is wrong, no way out of the sadness of losing what you had... that sucks like depression...

but how can any intelligent sensitive human not feel sad, deeply sad, and some level of depression at this point in time of the development of the human species... anyone daring to be aware of humans do sees the insanity, the suicidal choices, the cruel actions... from choosing to put poisons into our own mouths daily to poisoning the air and water that sustains our lives to indirectly ignoring the hunger and disease and violence most humans face daily to directly killing people under flags of moral righteousness, patriotism, or national security, the human race makes no sense in the suicidal, violence, and cruel choices we make every day...

so how not to be depressed?...

well (here comes my radical controversial cure-all to save the world, are you excited yet?... well, you are smiling somewhere inside at my incorrigible optimism and infinite (absurd, perhaps) sense of humor, if you love me, so that's a start)...

yes, so returning to seriousness as much as possible now, in my experience, most depression is not brought on by the weight of the world out there, most depression comes from how one perceives and processes personal tragedies, personal failures, personal confusion... for most, confusion or the unknown is too scary to live with for long so the mind shuts down after a while and all a body feels is sadness or numbness... for many, tragedy, loss, or pain, can be overwhelming to an unprepared mind (or a mind fear-driven as are most human minds) and synapses overloaded lead to loss of control and emotional overload leads to emotional shut down, numbness, depression...

humans are so egocentric (me too, but we see that all the time so let's look at the bigger picture for this entry at least, m'ok?)... that is, most do not see perspectives beyond their individual personal experience without much conscious effort (and most make none, which is why enlightening experiences, even books, movies, songs, feel like revelations and awe happens so often)... most humans do not see a bigger picture than the narrow view of their personal daily experiences...

most humans are insensitive... that is, being egocentric most have little or no empathy... most, at their core, want what they want and have little interest in compromise or reciprocal satisfaction, which is why most human relationships are not truly satisfying and do not last a lifetime, no less a decade... and that is sad... very sad... yes, that in itself is downright depressing on every level, but especially for the human living primarily, if not only in the egocentric, personal experience bubble... something goes very wrong, life seems to crash down around, suddenly, even, and there seems to be no way out because seeing the big picture, conscious awareness of the possibilities beyond the daily personal experience are so rarely thought about, that one feels trapped with no solutions, no resolutions, no way out...

so how not to be depressed?...

oh, that again, aye?... maybe there is no answer and i am just toying with my emotions, being egocentric and insensitive and all)... wait, seriously serious, remember?... well, seriously, if you read this far along and are still awake, you may not actually be depressed, but rather just bored and apathetic and caught in a habit of lazy procrastination... that leads to depression, by the way, so get the fuck up and do something while you still can... network, ya know?... but, ok, seriously stop the shinanigans, cease to tomfoolery, desist in the malarky, and find the seriously seriousness button... press when ready (like anyone ever is, come on now... shhhhh, end silly parenthetic aside)... end silly distracting paragraph intended to lighten the mood and refresh the synapses and dry the eyes and prepare us for the next thought in this intercourse (pun intended - see title)... do we need a drumroll?...

ahem, bottom line for me, and my perception and understanding and 'big picture' may only my egocentric view and my way may be wrong for you or anyone else, but for me, it is as simple as choosing not to be... choosing not to be depressed...

yes, there is a chemical imbalance in the mind associated with depression... but can science answer the question - is it the chicken or the egg?... which comes first, the chemical imbalance or a choice... does a thinking error that repeated over and over, leads to a chemical imbalance or vice versa?... who's responsibility is it anyway, nature, genes, mine, gods?... woah, we're getting serious now, aren't we?)...

my answer is it doesn't matter... i believe based on my own personal (egocentric) experience that whichever comes first, there is still a choice to be made... and that choice influences everything... including the chemical releases in the brain... run a mile and tell me you don't feel different... every action we take, every choice we make (hope this doesn't sting too much), every move we make changes our body chemistry a little or a lot... giving up, doing nothing, that is a choice that allows the chemicals to increase depression, doing something can teach the brain to work through the chemicals associated with depression... doing something i want to do in the moment i want to do it, whatever it is, can please me... little successes... making a drink or food just the way i like it... exercising the body in a way that feels good... creating something that represents how i feel, releasing the numbness or pain or anger or sadness... giving the egocentric mind what it wants in the moment...

that is my way... selfish, very selfish at times, but depression is a very selfish place, just as suicide is a very selfish choice... pushing the mind beyond the limits that seem to be insurmountable is the way out... when the mind says it can't be done, just do it... ignore the negative voice... ignore the apathy and numbness and lack of motivation and yes, ignore the depression...

fuck depression...

other than nothing or sleeping or hurting yourself or crying or nothing, what do you want to do, really want to do in this very moment?...

do it...

make it a motto:

fuck depression, do it anyway

i can get pissed off sometimes

at the moment i do not want to play with the sunday morning team any more... yet i paid for a plane ticket to go with them to the world series in washington dc and reserved a hotel room (money i should definitely not be spending)... but today's bullshit practice, like most of their practices, should be the last nail in the coffin as my patience wore out... the coach was 40 minutes late because the assistant coach didn't wake him... not the first time... and then, so much standing around... and worst of all, so much learning bad habits when they are actually on the field... over and over... so much laziness... not just lack of hustle, but pure laziness... one of the extra coaches brought on for the series remarked about it a few times... i kept, as i usually do, encouraging people to hustle to get the balls hit near them and follow through on throwing the ball where it needs to be next... today was even lazier than usual...

only four of the regular team showed up in the first place, the coach 40 minutes late, and just like a few weeks ago before he got there we were once again moved off the field we started playing on because someone else reserved it (after i spent ten minutes raking and flattening the mound with my cleats... the team that dumped us off had a rake and smoothed the field to make is playable and safe, wow, how ingenious... yeah, i'm pissed and sarcastic)... and again, not the first time... four other players added on just for the world series showed up, one who was formerly on our team but quit because he was disruptive and moody and didn't listen to coaching and he upset other players, but for some reason he's back... and an extra coach was brought on too... so she hit balls to the outfield while i was the ball retriever... then when we were booted to the other field the assistant coach asked me to pitch to two of the add-on players so they would hit to the outfield... i started with five balls (yeah, just five balls for a batting practice), one of which was so dead the assistant coach tossed it out of play, and eventually had none because nobody wanted to chase and retrieve them...

after pitching forty or so pitches, at least, to each of them and watching the laziness in the outfield and the shortstop and second baseman not even going out to cut off the ball (no less cover second) so they could practice what to do after the outfield finally gets the ball, the coach showed up and i asked why we were having batting practice just for those two guys when everyone else is just continuing to practice bad habits... he didn't like my question which frustrated me even more... while waiting for one of the five balls to be retrieved and thrown back into me, i said i really do not need to pitch all of their batting practice and wear out my arm as i had actual games to pitch later... the response from coach was not good... that pissed me off... i told him i should not even be doing batting practice pitching, i pitch plenty and don't need the practice, and they signed on a few other pitchers for the world series so they should be the practice pitchers - saying that would only be fair if they don't want to wear out their pitcher, i mean, if they care about their pitcher, especially when nobody was really here to practice anyway... coach tossed me a ball the other coach told me not to used and i pitched it saying the assistant coach told me not to use this one and it was ridiculous and everyone just continues to learn bad habits... coach told me leave (instead of addressing my frustration in any way meaningful way), so i left...

instead of addressing the laziness, the continued practice of perfecting bad habits, the lack of hustle to even get balls back to the pitcher to keep the flow of practice going, not to mention my standard complaint of me personally not getting any practice fielding at my position, not nearly enough batting practice and pitching way too much, he told me to just leave... that's the answer to a player who is frustrated... that's the second time he did that and it was at the same field last time... obviously driving down to those crap fields is not in my best interest... but to keep the laziness and poor play on the field (which basically validates that it is acceptable) and to tell the one hustling and pushing others to hustle to leave, that's preparing a team to go to the world series...

and i drive 30+ minutes wasting gas/money and pushing the car that is begging for some servicing for this?... and i am paying hundreds for a trip to watch this same laziness and well-practice bad playing in washington?... i am most pissed off at myself for getting myself into this situation - a team that doesn't take the game seriously should be playing just for the fun of it and not be spending lots of money thinking they actually have a chance at a world series... ah, money, sigh, alas, dangit...

and now that i've vented we come to the bottom line... if i was working and had money to burn i probably would not have let the frustration get to me as much, but that's my problem not anyone elses... it's the first week of the month and bills were due... having to take $2000 out of savings this week seems to be the undercurrent frustration and i shouldn't have spent the money or push the car to drive that far this weekend... missing a practice is better than going to one where half the team doesn't show and those who show are being lazy... missing a practice is better than venting at one... having nobody to talk to about this is very sad... and frustrating... and having nobody understand in life around here really sucks... i just expect too much from people... like maybe someone asking what's wrong when i am obviously upset about something... i suppose that is too much to expect from people i've known and played with for years...

alone again, naturally... wah wah, digestion required...

narf...

life is like that

i miss my tom chapin cds... i bought all of his cds at his concerts three times, maybe four... had him autograph them every time and then, gave them away as presents to kids in my life over the years... souvenirs... collectors items... great music... even better memories... alas, so many memories shared by so many wonderful people who are no longer sharing daily life... sharing intense emotions does that sometimes (too often in my experience with humans)... people seem to find it challenging to keep in touch are sharing hyperly intense emotions... or maybe it is just my individual experience as i live an extremely in-the-moment life while pausing only now and then to reflect... or maybe i am just so eclectically random that i pause too long or lose the contact in chaos... or maybe the people i have known just don't want to keep in touch with me... or their past... or the intensity... or whatever... a whole lot of whatever in this life with humans... but life is like that, like tom said...

facing mortality, especially facing the supposed medical likelihood that i could quite suddenly at die at any moment, has me reminiscing and wishing for closure and wishing the pieces of this life that i prepared to be reminders for me as life comes to a close were around now... and the people who said they cared, people i believed in, i wish they were in touch... i'd settle for listening to the music i loved, the tapes i made to represent me (and remind me of the ideal i set for myself... and help me continue striving for it and actualizing it)... wishing i had the tools i created to be all i could be and sad that those i trusted with them stopped maintaining contact with me without returning them... cutting me off from my writings and music shows me they really had no clue how important those books and tapes were to me and suggest they don't really care about me... if they did, i'd not be longing for what they kept so much... and i'd not be without my tools... trusting them with the only copies was a mistake...

and life is like that, at least the life i've lived so far... will i find someone before i die who, given trust unconditionally, will not betray it?... only time will tell... and life is like that too...

narf :}

waking thoughts

a few thoughts came to mind as i woke and i decided to share them with you...

i write for many reasons, like when i feel lonely or bored... but most of all, as i will repeat again and have no doubt, for the mental play, the mind games, and the hope for sharing... in the end, that does not completely satisfy me because lonely, for me, is caused by a desire to share - and not just to share an solitary intellectual/emotional stimulation that comes from experiencing someone else's mind by myself (through reading or film or tv or observing anything), which is why i write, because at least i am exploring me and letting me out with the hope of sharing... am i repeating myself yet?... yes, well, even that is not enough and to be happy i must distract myself from the desire to share, supplicate it with imaginary sharing that comes from an activity like writing, reading, audio-visual arts, sports, or just observing...

this thought came about from a waking thought - a realization that one way i remain alone is by indulging in food stimulus and allow this body to remain 30ish pounds overweight... i love the oral stimulation, however i am repulsed by fat flabby skin, so the site and feel represses the sensual urges... and i sometimes think that i may still do this, at least in part, because i am still haunted by betrayal (the betrayal of intimacy and unconditional trust that i have experienced up close and personal throughout this life from the very beginning) and i may be not sure i want to trust anyone personally, one on one, eye to eye, hand in hand - or closer intimacy...

at least at this moment...

that would really suck because i really am a hopelessly hopeful romantic who believes in love and lives to share a partnership, an intimacy, the full experience of personal sharing everything (or as close to everything as possible) with another human, a partner, a lover, and most of all - a best friend... unconditional trust is the best feeling and experience and gift i've ever known and my current mindset undermines my chances and ultimately - prevents me from finding it...

to dream the impossible dream...

but that is what i do...

did?
am i re-defining me?

whatever, we were rambling on about something so let's get back to it... repeating the same loop, repeating the same assessment (what?... this?... that might really suck if we knew what i meant) is somewhat amusing to me in my mind (too much so, i imagine), but probably feels more like crap somewhere deeper, which leads me to food or laziness or some other suicidal tendency (drugs, alcohol, television?... used to play with all three and more, but not in recent years) that comes from giving the poor-me pathetic "nobody cares" child (who does have good reason to believe it) the power to throw a pity-party (wanna come?), even if it's so brief that it does not appear to be depression or anything serious (especially in our culture where pigging out on fatty greasy sugar-filled foods is a way of life), but then, who would notice (don't all step up and be counted at once now, nyuk, nyuk, narf)...

for me, this is not exactly a revelation, it is an acknowledgment... i am not sure what reading this is to you, but it would be good if someone might understand, even if you might not want to acknowledge that you do to me, or to yourself, even...

yeah, i know...

so anyway, i hope my pondering this as i wake helps me move a little further out of the loop i've been in and out of for the last however many years (long time to be haunted, long time to deny my deepest desires by keeping them in solitary activities, long time to be a spoiled or ambivalent child content with whatever, aye?)... hopefully you found some worth in the reading too...

i hope you make today better than yesterday, in fact, make it especially wonderful :)

request, plea, verily

see me, feel me, touch me, heal me, show me, grow me, most of all, know me... and that might have been the title had the title not been written before the first line... it could also be the title of this life i loosely call mine, or the story, even... but then, the title of this entry can probably considered a definition of what the first line is meant to be and the search for the fulfillment of the desire within the first line can be considered the story of this life as i've known it... yes, now it's much clearer, isn't it (wide eyed stares all around)... and can you find the diamonds in the rough?...

what i want most in this world
before life comes to it's end
is someone to care enough
to be my best friend

what i want most in this life
is someone who won't pretend
unconditional trust
that is a best friend

someone who wants to put me first
and always wants to be
honest, open, by my side
and the one i want to put ahead of me

someone who never gets enough
of sharing time and space
together with nothing to hide
who wants to be tied with me at the end of the final race

what i want most in this life
is to find my twin star
an equal partner in everything
always hello, never au revoir

i know you're out there somewhere
you may be near or far
and what i want most of all
is to be where you are

so in conclusion, as i said (possibly repeatedly, or is that meerly prophesy... or request, plea, verily?), perhaps if i keep diving deeper into distraction (what?), perhaps someone will find the fading optimism i am trying to save...

and in another mood... i still want to believe... (verily... out of the blue)... in a heart that's true... that's what i do... i still want to believe in a heart that's true...

PS, I love you...

it really is no secret, of course i should be sleeping, which would have been a nice quippy close and was for years, more than six years in fact (or longer than that, even... what? what? what?... what?), but what is time, anyway... or is watt energy? (what?)... what-ever... when (where?) this came along and i just had to continue once again, because i love you (and me too), so here's another shot at all the strange and wonderful links that were in one or more of previous entries, m'ok?... thank you for caring (yeah) and choosing to spend time with my words (word?)... your words are wery welcome here... encouraged, even... and now (or when ever, even), with even more further ado, some impromptu fortuitous philosophy and nonchalant self-promoting (cuz i really want someone to know me {or something like that}, motivation is important in this life, ya know?), more of this, which is whatever you want it to be (it will be if you understand what makes everything move {and i mean everything and that is just where it begins} with intensity {sigh} beyond reason {sigh} and the purest peace {sigh} that comes from the purest love {sigh} and innocent trust {sigh} i welcome you {who are you, anyway?} to this world {what's with all these sighs?}, even though the point of it all could be random)... what?...

it's just a life

hey, Portugal showed up, cool... another country is represented, or representing, for that matter... and the number of page views continue to go up and i have no clue why... are you really real people out there reading or is this a figment of automatic spam-like activity from spam-like websites?... and why would these spam=like websites be sending you here to this blog?... to very entry, no less?... it is so very strange... every entry is getting at least a half dozen visits and some are getting dozens... and if it isn't spam-like statistical anomalies, then... do i have secret stalkers?... seriously, how many real every day readers?... and where from and why?...

it's just a life i share here... a fun life, a challenging life, an emo life, an irreverent life, but still, just a life... and if you are reading every entry and it's not just statistical spam, well, i apologize for being so flippant so often - and for not saying thank you more often... letting out all the frustration keeps me smiley inside :)

i complain a lot, but it's my way of dealing with frustration and not letting that frustration get in the way of life... i am really very lucky... i have a best friend who is also my roommate who is sensitive, kind, and a child inside, like me, and finding a compatible friend like her is not easy in this world... that would be jackson... it is great to be able to say i love you or love you to someone every day, or to hear her say it first as much as i do, and know we really mean it... she keeps whatever idealism is left in me alive... she cares about life and the planet and people more than i do and i so love her influence in my life... i ought to tell you that more often cuz it's way more true, important, and meaningful than the complaints... we wouldn't want posterity (or you) to get the wrong idea about my best friend, after all :)

and the rest of life, well, humanity is insane and i've got to talk about it somewhere, so i bring it here and to dozens of other blogs (and often link those here as i write in them... it's like writing dozens of books at the same time, though they are just collections of thoughts and rhymes and not any cohesive story)...

all in all i don't take anything nearly as seriously as it may seem in all my whining and complaining... what i take seriously is love and sharing and i whine and complain when i am lonely and not sharing as much as i want to share... and whatever else this blog is, it is my way of keeping in touch with me and working through the daily experience to find a positive perspective... if i am also keeping in touch with you, well, yay...

so thank you for being out there, and right here too...

and if you want to share something, not just comment, this blog is for you to write in open to anybody who wants to write in a blog... just give me an email address you want to use to sign up to google/blogger (cuz you've got to be signed up to write in these blog things) and i will add you as an author... or just leave a word here to let me know you are there... i mean, i know z and j and bloob and gm stop by now and then and maybe pretty often, but anybody else?... wait, are bloob and gm the same person?... and russia, how about you?... who am i missing?... curiosity is gonna explode my brain... you know how much i love to hear from you :)

or just just keep reading quietly if that's what you like...

so the very next night

i ordered food in so i don't have to walk around and stand on my feet because i am exhausted because the day started before sunrise and i left work close to 8pm which was way too long for the first day back on my feet after straining the back and then playing ball last night (rest is not being at work for twelve hours, after all, and the cure for what ails the back right now is a few days of actual rest) but anyway, i start nodding off feeling bad about not taking happiness out for a walk but right now that would not be a wise move for the back or for him as he needs guiding more than ever and i am not ready for tugging on the leash or walking anywhere so my frustration is keeping me awake and i am hoping jackson gets home soon cuz she has been so far behind in her paperwork cuz there is just not enough time in her week what with working three jobs and still wanting a social life and gym time and church time and yoga time and now, a new girlfriend time which she is so not ready for because she doesn't have the time or emotional stability and yet she's made the same mistake so many times before and sets herself up for failure so well and i wish i could help but she blocks the reality she doesn't like so well and reacts very poorly when i point it out like the financial situation and her returning to almost not paying anything for household expenses (rent, bills, food, etc) and there is the deeper on-going rub that desturbs my innerds as i repress and suppress (two things i hate, yeah, hate to do and therefore do not do well contrary to public appearances) but still keeps me awake or wakes me in the middle of the night as it's bound to do all week but i will continue to be me and be supporting (even if that is enabling because i see no other way out and i don't want her left with a choice of leaving town to return to her parents or moving into an uncomfortable situation with friends because we are family and family does not put family out, i think, and i don't want money ending yet another family bond because it does not seem like people can get past money issues so i ignore them because money is not as important to me as people even when i reach the bottom line which is i should have a comfortable savingsa for retirement but i don't because i've spent at least ten thousand a year (probably more if i figured it out) on supporting her and buying the car was a big mistake as that money should be going toward retirement savings and this is what keep the brain from resting and the body from loosing up which is likely a large part of the back and neck spasm and whatever else is going wrong in the body which hopefully doesn't include a gleal cell tumor even though there is promising hope for a cure through polio therapy but that's beside the point even though it is fascinating so not everything on tv is a waste of time or mere escapism and so when all is said and done, at least for this entry, i reall ought to be sleeping and so even though it's around midnight and jackson is not home yet and happiness is probably uncomfortable or already had an accident and she never stays out this late during the week without texting me so i don't worry (what, me worry?) but she did say she was stopping at her new girl's place (it gets so scary unstable when she goes out on that high wire while already working 90 plus hours a week and driving so many miles a day and dealing with constant anxiety and stress cuz she hasn't had an her insurance plan for many months), i shall turn off the tv and put aside this laptop and close the eyes (even though all the lights are on and food is next to me that should be refrigerated but the back is not going to be moved again tonight) and see if sleep will come...

sigh, life is like that sometimes...

narf...

a bit of a gamble and a vent

turkey burgers with cheesy potatoes... yes, i am hoping it does not set back the kidneys or bladder or whatever is spitting out blood cuz i was hungry both physically and emotionally and it was time for some food... i did not order pizza or outside fast food, so that is a good thing for the economy... and the meal was semi-light... just felt like eating protein even though protein does put more pressure on the kidneys... emotionally, i am feeling alone... physically and financially, i am alone...

jackson stopped in for a minute to grab her clothes and happiness and will be away all weekend... i hope she is getting her work done because she is behind... not that i count on her for rent or anything anymore, but i don't want to see her go through the stress of losing a job... it's her life, i've offered help, but she ignores the offer (even when she asks for something, like a spreadsheet she asked for last week but she hasn't made time to be home to even ask about it)and continues playing... it is tough to watch someone i love self-destruct, but i can't change her habits for her... and this week i've got to wonder if her relationship is good for her... if she's changing habits, it is, but she hasn't changed the habit of ignoring rent and bills and me... i really never believed she would use me the way so many others have... we talked about whether we should sign this lease and she definitely wanted to commit to it for the year, but it seems like she didn't actually mean it... heck, i supposedly live with her and she doesn't even know i've been dealing with illness all month (and i wait on her hand and foot when she's sick, alas, i really am a taken for granted parent... again... lam... sigh)...

i want her to go where she wants to go, be with whom she wants to be with, and live the way she wants to live... i need to really consider finding a roommate who's actually going to pay a fair share of the bills each month... i could (and should) be living much more economically this year... what stings is she knows this and just ignores the hole she's putting me in... she's eating out and spending money freely as if we are not both supposed to be responsible for rent and bills... and finding out the company didn't even have me on the computer on the lease just ads insult to injury... she was listed as the primary lease holder like i wasn't even here... they certainly don't hesitate to take my checks for the full rent each month... and who cares right?... at least i have my blogging therapy to release my frustrations cuz i don't want to embarrass her by talking to anyone around here about it when they ask me how i am...

if you're reading jacks, i could make this a private entry if you want me to, but i've got to digest this frustration and writing is the way... when i stop writing, i am giving up hope on anyone ever really caring and not using me and taking me for granted... when i stop writing, i am writing off humanity and life... i mean, it's rent week again and ignoring bills doesn't make them go away and i deserve the respect of an explanation as to why i'm paying them all so much and yet you are routinely eating out and spending money so freely... hell, i at least deserve the respect from the people taking my check... they weren't even giving me credit for paying the rent...

what a world... people really just don't care (the verb) when the money runs out...

and somehow i keep hoping someone will...

Family is Forever

I wanted it to last forever.
How can it be real if it ends?
Family is meant to stay together
Especially a family of friends

When there is no biological family
Friends are all there is to be family
I was hoping you would be my family
If it ends how can it be family?

Ah, the question I've asked since before I knew I was asking. When I discovered I had no biological family, I realized that to have family, I had to choose to bond with those around me and choose family. I realized I had no definition, no reference other than the biological families I observed and stories about families and they were all so different in so many ways. I needed to define family for myself. I looked for the commonalities and similarities in how families behaved and decided that the ideal family lives and would die for each other. The ultimate sacrifice for another living being is being willing to give your life so that other being may live.

It's in all the books. lol.

I laugh to keep from crying.

Unfortunately, I have yet to find anyone who might die for me and so I accept a compromise of the ideal and base my choices on core values, on purest intentions, on what the person wants most in this life. My family is a person who wants peace and happiness in this life and above all else, to do no harm. My family wants no pain or suffering by my (or our) hands. I've come to compromise that as well, since we eat living things in order to survive so we have a hand in the death of living things. It may contradict my wanting to belief that all life is family, but there is an idealistic dreamer at my core who reaches beyond the understanding of life and death as we know it to find peace with some sort of unexplained balance. Intend no harm, do as little harm as possible. This is how I want to live. This is how I want my family to want to live. This is how I want us to help each other live.

Did I mention I have not found someone who wants to share this?

Still, there's always hope. Jackson is as close as I've come to a heart with purely harmless intentions. She does not always succeed, like me and perhaps everyone else, but she hurts more than anyone I know when others hurt. She does not handle it well and I sometimes fear for her emotional safety (even her physical safety at peak pain-feeling). I am not sure she knows she is an empath or maybe she does not understand how to process the feelings all the time. It is what makes her my choice for family at this time.

Being empathic comes with a fragility that requires great strength and many empaths do not develop such strength, leaving them confused and releasing the emotions in a variety of ways, some that appear incongruous with the caring that brings the ability to feel as an empath feels. The emotion coming in overwhelms the mind and it can lead to erratic, even violent behaviors that appear random (and may well be at times), sometimes aimed inward (ulcers are one result of repressed emotional energies, but the body reacts in a myriad of ways we barely know of).

In some ways, perhaps it is a desperate attempt to find some control of the flood of emotions overwhelming the mind and the people, experiences, and/or events stimulating the emotions. It is challenging for many people to accept some things are beyond our control, or unknown, for tat matter.

Anyway, this blog began maybe a year before I moved in with Jackson, which was part of a life change that inspired a shelving of the previous daily blog (that babbling madness called Behind The Candoor, for those of you who've been around that long. Have I said thank you lately? More than words will ever be able to express, I love you for continuing to check in on me. I am still hoping we will share more, if just a (or another) brief visit so we can look into each others eyes and smile, someday.

As I was saying, this blog has since been shelved, relatively, and a new daily has been flowing since the last major life change, which included Jackson and Curious (her/our cat) moving out, the loss of Happiness (her/or dog, who's ashes, or at least some of them, are carefully placed on a shelf wherever I may live... I still miss him dearly), and an adventure in living like a refugee in various places because, well, you can read about it in the current daily, ironically called in case it matters.

I stopped by here today for a specific purpose, however, and it appears that redefining what family means to me is part of that. The inspiration for this longer-than-usual brief daily retrospective entry is simply to say...

I chose you as family
because your heart is pure
I see and feel you feeling me
for your heart has no door
love is forever when it's real
and that can be challenging
for people lie and cheat and steal
egos all want to be king
but for those of us who's hearts take lead
this world can be cruel to feel
when it overwhelms, please remember me
I am here to help you heal

It's my own way of being family
I don't know how else to do it
whatever you may be going through
I am here to help you through it
I want no one to ever feel pain
and I know you wish the same for me
so you know I will say it again
we are family

On the day you came into the world
This world became a better place
and every year I will remind you
with the smile upon my face
when I think of you and feel your heart
I feel hope for humanity
so as another year of your life starts
Happy Birthday, family
Happy Birthday, my family

Happy Birthday, Jackson
Happy Birthday, E

Days of Future Past

I return here only occasionally, as I do with my other "daily" blogs, or the dailies as they are called in what passes for a table of contents of sorts, I suppose (and this is where I usually link the other older dailies, but perhaps we shall pass on that much self-indulgent hope for your interest, unless, of course, you are the one, in which case you would have already asked, but I'll likely somewhat subtly {though my subtle can sometimes be like a brick to the face}, even rather nonchalantly, somewhere down the page), but this one holds extra special dearness as it spans the last chapter in this life where I was living the illusion of sharing, maybe even almost a family, for as much as it was... but that's another story. The point of this opening aside is I KIT (keep in touch) with that span of time within myself and this blog was and is a record of that KIT, for those who shared the illusion and for posterity, even if, in the end, is is and was always only me.

This entry could be subtitled Song Cues Abound.

Today I though of family. I can only imagine what it's like to have a family. I develop relationships with as much, if not more dependency than most people I know. Working 24-7 jobs throughout my career gives me a sense of connections and responsibility that maybe something like family. Perhaps that is why I have chosen a professional life of helping others a a level of responsibility that is tethered 24/7 to a phone that I am expected to answer anytime it rings. Them in the personal life, I choose to live with someone much more than I choose to live alone. Living with a roommate and/or choosing a friend to unconditionally trust (which is a whole deeper level of my quest for sharing families ties) may get me closer, though the relationship tends to become what a therapist calls enmeshed and people do not seem to deal with that well. I am not sure if that is because I do not need the boundaries most people need (and why I don't need them is another book or two someone can write, if I'm ever interesting enough to anyone outside of my head... of course someone inside my head could write it or them, but another time, certainly, at least) or whether it is because I have such secure internal boundaries (unless I forget, which I have done from time to time in my quest to understand humanity and become more human, to fit in, but that's an even older daily blog, perhaps) that I don't have to think about them. I ask little more than consistency and contact from others. So far, that has been asking for too much in almost every case. Maybe every case.

That may or may not be why the cover entry for this blog has remained the same (which requires future-dating it, if you know what I mean), but I just thought I'd mention that here and now as if it mattered and belonged here. But I really don't think I'm a creep, a musichead (who started as a radiohead, surely), yes, but not a creep. Sadly, the music died, but I never really said goodbye or even bye bye cuz the song goes on forever, so welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and do save a seat, or even the last dance, for me.

Or something like that.

Did you ever want to go back in time to see how you were and if you would have liked yourself? It could start with a short trip (though that could be a rabbit hole without an end cuz it goes on and on my friend). Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. I'll go on anyway. Walking on, and on, with hope in my heart. It's just my way, an impossible dream, perhaps, but I've got to be me. Honesty. Love. All we need. The whole world could be in love, actually live in love, if we wanted to. It would be such a better world. Imagine.

There is so much more to follow, more even than came before, from pain to bliss, euphoria to trauma, agony to ecstasy, and what's the opposite of depression?... but anyway, anyway, this is where this pauses in time and space to say hello to you. Hello, I love you, create peace and joy in your life, radiate love, share, care, be well, be aware... Whomever you are. Wherever you are. Whenever you are.

Shall more follow?

Narf...

day after day

alone as i've always been, again, as it's always been, naturally :)

for the fool on the hill, click here

something more recent, in case you want to know... or click something there ------>

and you could listen to music while you read and get to know what i will be listening to in 2013 (nyuk nyuk) and tell me what you think if you love music as i do... cuz truth is, it's all as superficial as we wanna be... but if you are intent on reading an old entry (and are not just a spambot), here ya go :)

some days i wake up lonelier than others... usually it is an external influence, a modern-times frustration that wakes me before i intended to wake that sets off the lonelies cuz, after all, frustration appreciates commiseration and i've not have a commiserator in my physical world for many years... sigh (blink blink :}

it does not help when, just when i think i might be changing my habits toward the wise-healthier side of the tracks, i eat two extra mini-rib sandwiches with pistachio crisps and spinach dip after midnight and then fall asleep... ahem, see, if someone was here laughing with me, it would be so much less lonely :}

so this morning a collection agency calls and before i was able to get their name and number and the name of the person calling, they hang up on me... all i got out of it was att sent a bill to their collection agency that morning... yes, att again... inside i am more like

FUCKING ATT AGAIN!
only a much bigger font... well, i was awake... remembering how they destroyed my website and all the work i ut into it and the years of writing i did didn't help, but that's another story... so i called the 611 service number and within a few minutes i was speaking to nancy, a manager... the csr must have heard the hostility in my voice when i said you either get me a manager who can convince me not to cancel all my att accounts right now or just cancel them all... wanna hear irony?... i did not have to give my telephone number, name, or anything except my last four of my social to the manager to be taken care of... all the hoops they make us jump through entering our number, verifying our number, verifying our address and so on is just to keep us busy while we are waiting for them to either have a free csr or for your account to come up on their screen... or maybe it's just a test of obedience to get a feel for a customer's mood... well, they heard my mood loud and clear and knew exactly who i was without my saying a word or pressing a button of identification... the phone company has caller id, who'da thunk it...

i am now waiting for a call back because the manager at the wireless department could not get a csr or manager at the land line department on the line and the wireless department manager could find no past due amount on my account to explain the collection call... in fact, she found there was a credit of some $58 on some other account just floating around their system as if they could care less that they have my $58 while they still bill me and she quickly mentioned that she was transferring that credit over to my current account... seems that should be bordering on illegal, but when she gave me a placate the customer credit of a full month off my $80 service for the next bill on top of the $58 credit she "found" in her computer system, i decided not to cancel... after all, next month is practically free...

still, the past due amount in collections could not be resolved because she could find no amount in their system because att wireless computers and managers cannot access any other att service (like the land line i disconnected in august because i moved here where att does not service... did i mention that an att or bellsouth csr told me they do service this address and that was the clincher for signing the lease?)... so the att wireless csr manager said she will continue trying to call the landline and internet customer service managers (two different incompatible departments, apparently) to see if she can help me resolve this without my filing a complaint of harassment against att and their collection agency who hung up on me and also contacting credit bureaus to find out if this att collections crap is on my credit report...

now i've been on the phone every month for the past few months with all three departments (and all three of their separate billing departments, which makes six different people to wait in a queue for and repeat the att mess for and wait while they research during each call)... i won't mention the att worldnet or yahoo sbc or prodigy or mci or any other dysfunctional att departments that were once companies i still have accounts with in this particular rant)... i've paid every bill they've found for me (which is probably why there was some credit floating around in their system)... and suddenly, this morning, xmas week, att sent a past due bill on an account they can not identify without consultation and further research to a collection agency that woke me and then hung up on me when i questioned who owned their collection company and who at att signs the service contract for their services so i can speak to them about the consistent errors due to the dysfunctional business organization at att...

nancy, who was quiet patient with me, assured me that due to the volume of feedback att has received on the matter, they are working toward combining all services and departments under one csr department so a customer can call and speak to one person about all of the att services, including the myriad of companies att has swallowed up over the years... of course she said that takes time to trains people and set of an infrastructure when i told her i've heard that tune for a couple of years now...

anyway, tossing about $140 into my pocket did placate me for the moment... se shall see if the next call is telling me i owe even more than that amount, which is common practice for the bait and switch multiple csr systems at these huge companies... and by the way, i am awake...

i'll nap today, for sure... in between taking calls from precious who left ohio at 6am (my first wake up call... she called again at about 9am and will call every couple of hours cuz that's the deal we made so i can feel all sorts of reassured that she';s not laying in some ditch somewhere (hey, what can i say, it's been a dramatic morning :)

at least i took the day off... att would have really set me off if they were interrupting a work day with their horrible business... now, to see about the nap and then enjoy a beautiful afternoon... i hope your day starts out better and continues to be wonderful :)

drained

and no incoming energy in site... yeah, i know, can't depend on anyone else, what matters is what comes from inside and there is no reason more energy can't be generated cuz it's all in the mind and it is just a choice... tonight, i just feel the aloneness and pointlessness and fatigue and unfortunately, because of life choices i've made to be less social than i have been in the past because i am just not getting the depth i want from anyone i've met in recent years and i am not in the mood for the pleasure of surface fun that i appreciate and enjoy when i am in the mood, i am sitting here grumpy alone in my depths where no one wants to go... at least no one i've met in this life... and while trying another life is an option, i like me and this life... even if nobody else wants to come into the depths with me... and even if there is someone out there with the same or similar enough to be compatible depths out there, i don't feel like going out there at the moment so i am here, alone, feeling like nobody cares enough to want to come inside... tonight i feel too giving and wanting just a little appreciation from outside of me... yeah, yeah, yeah, and you can always read the last entry if you're bored with all this self-indulgence by clicking here, but then you'd miss the magnificent next paragraph epitomizing the quintessential essence of everything, which may be no more than continued self-indulgence unless you are intelligent enough to be aware enough to be conscious of the facts of life, the truth, the whole truth, and hand to hold so help you everything, which includes me, of course...

fatigue, sure, but just settling down into myself and looking around and accepting that nobody in the physical world cares to visit me here... and i understand why, it's too deep too sensitive too intense too demanding too visceral too open too honest too free too fearless too dichotomous too egocentric too altruistic too silly too serious too irreverent too secure too chaotic too confident too insecure too infinite too real too balanced too unpredictable too literal too much... just being part of everything like everything (and everyone), but too consciously aware and able to let it all in and let it all go and let it all be knowing what that means... too unconcerned with what anyone thinks and too addicted to love and too independent and too trusting and too loving and too caring and too sharing and too what?... too curious?... too extreme... too many words... words... words... words... words... words... words... words... words...

when you get here, you can decide for yourself...

remembering games (and game nights)

it has been a couple of months, at least, since i was at one of the game parties my friends throw and tonight i finally enjoyed one again... there was a big cheer welcoming as i walked in the door, quite good ego food... i must be special as several remarked about it as something nobody else gets... it was at curly's so i had to adjust to the neurosis that comes with him as he lives to please others and runs around serving food and forcing plates in from of people all night (and while i was not happy to have him make me a plate of leftovers because i got there late, mostly because i don't like anyone pulling food out of trays and serving me when i don't see where the food came from and don't know who did the cooking and more than anything else, i can't choose what i want for myself)... but i ate anyway because he would be quite upset if i didn't... he didn't bother asking me if i was hungry or what i wanted, he just piled a plate high, way too much food, and forced it on me... that's just him, begging to please... so i praised and appreciated and he knows he is loved, but i wish he would just relax a bit...

after the forced feeding, i sat with friends and caught up a bit and played games... i watched a large group playing time's up and then was called into the other room to play spades, which is my favorite card game and the better players like to play with and against me because i usually win and they like the challenge and really enjoy the few times they beat me... it's that way for me with most games and always has been... they won't play ruzzle with me because i have too high an average score... at least i find people who can beat me online for ruzzle... spades i seldom find anybody anywhere who can challenge me with any consistency... so i won three games of spades with different partners and won a game of 500 rummy as well and my partners were very happy and our opponents thank me for the challenge and ego basks in the glory and the rest of me laughs at ego and sighs at games where everything comes way too easy much of the time...

happiness is still scratching like a mad dog, poor thing... and i definitely should be sleeping, but as usual, the game night has me wired... chocolates didn't help, especially since it's been well over a week since i had any... the neck is telling me to lay down and rest... but the brain is demanding more stimulation so i write...

hope your night is smiling too :)

why am i alone?

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

why do i undermine my chances for sharing with someone who might be attractive to me?... partly because i have not been attracted to anyone enough to feel motivated to want to be more attractive... partly because i've gotten lazy and apathetic and ambivalent, even about my fondest dreams... partly because i am tired of being used and everybody i've ever let close to me except for one person has used or abused/betrayed me... so i enjoy the moments and casual fun and games and relatively superficial social interactions and ignore most of the desires and impulses for depth and intimacy and deeper trust....

i don't know what exactly might happen if i found someone physically irresistible and there was any reciprocal interest... some part of me wonders if i would just ignore the opportunity… and most of me believes i’d simply snap out of the habit of staying a happy kid enjoying surface sharing and challenge myself to break the habit of settling for the hormonal rushes that foods bring…

it could be that i the betrayals and usery has me so passive about intimacy that it’ll take someone not only attractive to me, but also consistent close daily sharing over time, like a roommate or close neighbor… but that could just be rationalizing not finding anyone physically irresistible to me… i’ve always had a rather narrow libido image and as far as personality and the mind/ethereal goes, i’ve come to doubt anyone will truly match me…

so my defense is simply being me, the kid who enjoys myself playing and living in the moment enough to ignore the loneliness as long as no one inspires me to want to be more intimate… and walls may simply be my openness about my history of betrayals and abuses... or something like that…

i may be complicating everything… what’s your excuse? :)

that was fun

ok, so not thrilling, but enjoyable...

a few of us did a jig for a friend who wanted to laugh in facebook comments, some amusement can be found... here, i will reproduce it here for your amusement... if you don't laugh, let me know so i can tweak my sense of humor... seriously, your perspective is much appreciated and hopefully you will give it... (on facebook here with tags so you know who we are) and below...

Royce Mathew Captain warp drive is fused - and we can't stop.
September 9 at 1:58am · Unlike · 1

Sean Corcoran That is illogical. Bugs Webbot I mean "Scotty" (not pictured bc in Engineering) can eject the core if need be Captain.
Monday at 10:22pm · Like

Dara Santman :). Wish i watched star trek more so i know what the characters are!
Monday at 10:28pm · Like

Royce Mathew You are the communications officer on the bridge. You also translate and listen for sounds etc.. Anthony is "captain" -
Tuesday at 3:36am · Like

Anthony Picone Lol. I need laughter right now :-(.
2 hours ago · Like

Bugs Webbot aye, pumping laughing gas up to the bridge now... breath deeply and don't exhale until you have too...
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Bugs Webbot Royce, tickle the captain... carefully.
about an hour ago · Like

Royce Mathew I am passing gas.... hope it "breaks" a smile
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1

Sean Corcoran (Poor Kevin Holland ....He got caught wearing a red shirt! Sorry Kevin we know what happens to you this episode.)
about an hour ago · Unlike · 2

Bugs Webbot pumping air freshener up to the bridge now...
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Royce Mathew Damn it Captain - I am a doctor not a meetup date.
about an hour ago · Unlike · 2

Bugs Webbot Royce, the captain needs a massage... carefully.
about an hour ago · Like

Sean Corcoran The captain is known for having the first interracial kiss on tv.
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1

Sean Corcoran P.S. . . . . Where did the captain go during this cheer up session?
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Royce Mathew Captain must have been captured by the aliens and stuck in an intergalatic worm hole space gap on planet gamma.
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1

Sean Corcoran What not planet gamma. That isn't a M class planet. He won't be able to breath for long.
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Bugs Webbot sending exotic green dancers up to the bridge, i mean, to the planet gamma...
about an hour ago · Like

Bugs Webbot and oxygen...
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Bugs Webbot Royce, give the captain mouth the mouth... carefully.
about an hour ago · Like

Royce Mathew Hey does Apollo and Starbuck belong here..? They are trying to land their Vipers in the bay.
about an hour ago · Like

Sean Corcoran No and neither does that little robot that keeps saying Deebe Deeebe Deebe Come on Buck.
about an hour ago · Like

Royce Mathew You are showing your age..
about an hour ago · Like

Sean Corcoran They are making another Star Trek movie.
about an hour ago · Like

Royce Mathew I heard they are calling it Star Trek.
about an hour ago · Like

Bugs Webbot sending the strange characters from galaxies far far away back to the star wars and buck rogers sets... energize...
about an hour ago · Like

Sean Corcoran The working title is "Star Trek into the Darkness"
about an hour ago · Like

Sean Corcoran pssst Bugs that was Battle star Galactica You better pull them back and send them again.
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1

Bugs Webbot new cast, old cast, mixed cast?...
about an hour ago · Like

Bugs Webbot sending flashlights to the new trek movie...
about an hour ago · Like

Royce Mathew Scotty we need more power in the transport room - Bugs and Sean are having problems.
about an hour ago · Like

Bugs Webbot we're pushing the engines ... they can't take much more ... redirecting the little robot and friend back to that other show...
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Bugs Webbot Royce, wake the Captain... carefully.
about an hour ago · Like

Bugs Webbot belay that - Royce, put the Captain to bed... carefully.
55 minutes ago · Like

Bugs Webbot no spooning...
55 minutes ago · Like

Royce Mathew Why do you get to do FORKING with the captain?
52 minutes ago · Like

Bugs Webbot Engineering always has the best tools...
44 minutes ago · Like

it could have been babble

or not, but be that may be or not to be, the question remains even more elusive than the answer, because, after all, while we can’t see the wind, we usually know where it is cuz, well, we can feel it, but the question, who can feel the question?...

the yearning?... the burning?... the churning of desire?... what could it be?... who could it be now?... hunk a hunk a what?... between your legs?... just where is your locus of control, anyway?... blowing in the what?... you must remember this, or something… a big snake does not make you a big man, but what’s in your cup, that might matter a bit more… when was the last time you sat around with friends (or strangers) and really got into music?... playing or singing or making love, even, really into it…

you haven’t lived until you as born again in song…

someday, that may be a religious epiphany, unless people get smarter and open their minds more… there’s always hope… meanwhile, this is the story, continuing, cuz stories are like that (at least in my mind they are)… and with a 22 inch monitor to my right and a 24 inch monitor to my left and a 16 inch monitor on my lap, don’t let anybody tell you size doesn’t matter… but 16 inches on a lap is quite enough, thank you very much… speaking visually, the crispness of the true HDMI 24 inch monitor is startling, even with the lame windows vista aero crappy video features (why do they downgrade features when they upgrade software, now that is a good question… not the question, but a good one…

so this is (if you’re counting) the second file in the new electronic space (new laptop, not new blog, but the latter is rather obvious, no doubt) and the laptop teaches me a bit more about what it and the new MS Word 2007 software is about… and the little kid is all excited, naturally, cuz there are all sorts of new toys (or features, to be technical) to explore and learn about and play with… if only there was time… sigh and alas…and what I need to do, among many other tasks, is to either… (task sub-routine 1) enter every cd into a database or spreadsheet…(task sub-routine 2) install itunes and rip every cd I own… or (task sub-routine 3) rip every cd into windows media… of course they might be 10, 20, and 30, but that’s beside the point, perhaps… anyway, the trouble with the last idea is the database in wmp is not as easily managed as the database in itunes (wmp is kinda wimpy too, it seems) and it would not tell me it has duplicates until after I rip and it would take a long time and it would use a lot of memory… the trouble with the second idea is the same as the third idea except for the database being better manageable than the third idea… the trouble with the first idea is it is manual entry and takes time and I do not get all of the information about each cd… ideally, a scanner would be wonderful… to scan all the info into a database would give the best of both worlds… but without a scanner, the database seems the way to go… and so away I went…

meanwhile, back in thereal… I am noticing looseness in the usb ports already and I hardly plug in and unplug the usb connections, so the life of the port is quite possibly going to be way shorter than I’d like it to be… that could definitely suck… does any laptop brand prevent that from happening?...

and the anti-virus has been uploading for the past three hours… something like 7kps… to yes, I know (and not an amused craig ferguson I know, either… I still haven’t been able update the operating system cuz the file is too big… I haven’t had time to get back with the microsoft tech support person who emailed me… yes, an actually tech support person from ms emailed me… I was shocked (and this is a craig I know... amazing, aye?... I know… anyway, I keep hoping the aircard will find better reception if I actually go mobile with it… but there’s just not been anought time for leisurely roaming with the laptop… or writing… or much of anything else leisure… but 7kps?... so I will say it again… att aircard internet service sucks…

I’d sigh and alas some more, but who has the time…

this is what was, sort of, as I was slipping into game mode… and I disappeared for two plus weeks and the story continued, even if nobody noticed but me… it is still wonderful to find someone stopping by the check in from time to time… as if we really care, you know?... who has the time?... ah, a question… who’s laughing now? :)

just had to be (repeated, that is)

read me, read me (click here) and click through the links inside

no no, read and click through on the links in this one
it just continues

a dozen new entries passed in the past few moments... catch them before they disappear... cuz they could, like everything, there is transience in this temporary existence... so think, feel, click back to catch up, read, and continue...

silly puppy, all the secrets of the universe (or maybe mostly to me) are contained within the links within the entries within the blogs within the interweb, especially the entries linked in this entry and the entries linked in the entries linked in this entry and (did you notice any entries linked in this entry yet?... i know, i can be so subtle it's baffling... probably because it's craig ferguson's birthday... even if mila kunis isn't on)...

so i just must have known, having said just a few hours ago, "no harpo, i don't want to come over and hold your leg tonight" and i had no clue that i would be watching craig (without mila, i know) celebrate his birthday with the william of shatner (shat what?... shat where?) because i've already seen the other stuff that was on and i somehow checked the listings and found it was minutes away from the start of craig (so i saw a bit of one of the hottest smiles and cutest faces and sweetest bodies {feel free to rearrange the adjectives as you wish} on tv on extra... and maria is cute too... see what i did there?... seriously, maria, i'd hold your leg if you came over)...

what?... who?... where?... when?... (don't ask why)... (or how)... ok, this entry will hold our place until i get back and catch up a bit, maybe even babble... even without mila... or maria... wandering away now before i start singing west side story.. tonight?...

whut?... oh narf already :)

see what i mean? (maybe... i think?)...

a 4am entry, no doubt... worth repeating, i think... if you don't like the music, turn it off... so maybe the entries have been superficial and trivial of late... definitely some... definitely not others, but who can tell with my love of secret obscurities and buried links and such... mostly i'd rather enjoy myself than lament over missing sharing and missing music and missing people who share intimacy through lyrical magic and eye contact and all the fun of the fairs, or something like that... loving music saves me (saved by the music, remember me, my friend?)... i listen to the mixes (this one auto-plays, just so you know) people have made for me (and other random music i find that touches me) and those i made that i can still access (missing those, like the stolen child, kept out of my reach so far away)... and even though the people who made the mixes do not share what they shared anymore (or maybe they never really listened to the words) and nobody around here shares musical meanings and messages the way they can be shared (the way i do), the bliss can still be found inside... so life outside stays the shallows mostly... but deep down, you know why i really come here...

listening to the song above? (or here... there's always hope)... how many times has the chorus been asked of me, more than i can count... so narf... and lol... and lam... and really? (with apologies for myspace commercials)... yup, secrets and sighs :)

after all, somebody might wave back :)

click to listen to another song about why i am here