sunday morning sunshine?

i disappear sometimes, just like everybody else... ah, the reference to harry aside, everybody does from time to time... i refer to going silent, shutting down, withdrawing from social interactions, closing the door and staying inside...

whether it is disengaging from an online community like facebook or any website communication tool or becoming withdrawn in the physical world by not going out as much or not calling people or less, no reaching out at all, everybody does it from time to time to different degrees... and different people have very different reasons for disappearing or becoming as bob from what about bob? would say, temporarily disconnected... for me, it's a feeling of wtf?... even more to the point, wtp? as in what's the point?...

like am i reaching anybody by reaching out?... is my attempting to share worth anything outside of the release of thoughts it provides for me?...

these questions call out louder when i receive no feedback, but still, even in the face (book and not book, or blog even) of lack of enthusiasm, appreciation, or recognition... even in the event of rejection or being ignored... even in the circumstance of conflict or hostility, i generally continue to share on and offline... i will withdraw from offline sharing faster than online sharing, but i still continue to attempt to share and when i do pause, it is seldom for more than a few days... and i just about always want to catch up when i return...

these days, living with a best-friend roommate insures i don't withdraw much from the offline sharing even as i turn down some social opportunities to enjoy others because i am not as eager to rush from one group to another as i once was (or am i just choosing change, either way, i still go out the play)... and having an addiction to daily public writing (you're looking at it, aye?) keeps me sharing words on the internet even when nobody seems to notice or care to share (based on lack of response)... but even with the opportunities to share offline and the addiction to hopeful attempted sharing online, i pull back and stop reaching out now and then too...

today i ask myself why...

and my primary trigger, button, motivation to close up and go silent is feeling like i am wasting my time which comes from a feeling of being ignored, mostly... and ultimately that feeling comes when my inner hope for sharing diminishes and the reality of my sitting out in public mostly (or quite, even) naked leads me to wonder if putting myself out here, there, or anywhere and putting energy into reaching out on the hope of sharing is worth it...

is it getting me what i want?... well, sort of and sometimes... but not all i want (sharing) and not some essential things i want in life, like more sharing, daily sharing of words, and then offline - more eye-contact sharing, and more sharing close-personal-intimate sharing... and so then i ask - can i be doing other things that will get me what i want?... and the answer is yes, so i wander away from the habits of reaching out into silence and try other things like going out more...

but the writing always calls me back and the hope of sharing words always calls me back just like the giving in life always happens even when i am giving so much that i am hurting myself by giving too much... it's just what i do, what gives me a self of doing my best to be the best i can be and that, in spite of the drawbacks and potential for pain or loss, makes me happier than any other way i've tried, yes, even with the occasional hurts...

so i explore here, not for the first time i suppose, why i disappear... it gives me something to say, something to share here... some introspection comes when interaction pauses because, after all, who else do i have around to talk to? :}

hopefully i am not wasting my time and the words i leave here today do not make the words i left here on previous days worthless and ignored, but that is life and it's no different anywhere... this is just another place to put words, be it my primary daily place at the moment, in the hope that you will share... and when you are not sharing, just reading, yeah you - old friends and first time readers, you too, i continue writing to a void... i know there is a chance you are reading and might respond... i don't know if you actually read all the words cuz sometimes i write a dozen or more entries before you pop back in the respond to the most recent one, but i know there is a chance, a hope that you are reading and it matters and has worth...

so rather than let the am i being ignored again? and feeling of wasting my time get to me, i continue... it is not always easy to continue into a void... today, this self-analysis is helping me continue... and my hope that you understand continues... and my hope that you will respond acknowledging me and showing some understanding continues...

so in the end, it is largely about hope for sharing for me... why i disappear?... hope weakens and allows selfishness to grow and self-worth to go elsewhere for food... and why i continue?... it is hope for more sharing, caring, being well, being aware, and responses that might confirm understanding, connection, sharing... i find ways to keep hope alive because hope is my inspiration... whatever your inspiration is - i hope you find your ways to keep it alive too...

ta da, a sermon for a sunday morning, aye? :)