so the very next night

i ordered food in so i don't have to walk around and stand on my feet because i am exhausted because the day started before sunrise and i left work close to 8pm which was way too long for the first day back on my feet after straining the back and then playing ball last night (rest is not being at work for twelve hours, after all, and the cure for what ails the back right now is a few days of actual rest) but anyway, i start nodding off feeling bad about not taking happiness out for a walk but right now that would not be a wise move for the back or for him as he needs guiding more than ever and i am not ready for tugging on the leash or walking anywhere so my frustration is keeping me awake and i am hoping jackson gets home soon cuz she has been so far behind in her paperwork cuz there is just not enough time in her week what with working three jobs and still wanting a social life and gym time and church time and yoga time and now, a new girlfriend time which she is so not ready for because she doesn't have the time or emotional stability and yet she's made the same mistake so many times before and sets herself up for failure so well and i wish i could help but she blocks the reality she doesn't like so well and reacts very poorly when i point it out like the financial situation and her returning to almost not paying anything for household expenses (rent, bills, food, etc) and there is the deeper on-going rub that desturbs my innerds as i repress and suppress (two things i hate, yeah, hate to do and therefore do not do well contrary to public appearances) but still keeps me awake or wakes me in the middle of the night as it's bound to do all week but i will continue to be me and be supporting (even if that is enabling because i see no other way out and i don't want her left with a choice of leaving town to return to her parents or moving into an uncomfortable situation with friends because we are family and family does not put family out, i think, and i don't want money ending yet another family bond because it does not seem like people can get past money issues so i ignore them because money is not as important to me as people even when i reach the bottom line which is i should have a comfortable savingsa for retirement but i don't because i've spent at least ten thousand a year (probably more if i figured it out) on supporting her and buying the car was a big mistake as that money should be going toward retirement savings and this is what keep the brain from resting and the body from loosing up which is likely a large part of the back and neck spasm and whatever else is going wrong in the body which hopefully doesn't include a gleal cell tumor even though there is promising hope for a cure through polio therapy but that's beside the point even though it is fascinating so not everything on tv is a waste of time or mere escapism and so when all is said and done, at least for this entry, i reall ought to be sleeping and so even though it's around midnight and jackson is not home yet and happiness is probably uncomfortable or already had an accident and she never stays out this late during the week without texting me so i don't worry (what, me worry?) but she did say she was stopping at her new girl's place (it gets so scary unstable when she goes out on that high wire while already working 90 plus hours a week and driving so many miles a day and dealing with constant anxiety and stress cuz she hasn't had an her insurance plan for many months), i shall turn off the tv and put aside this laptop and close the eyes (even though all the lights are on and food is next to me that should be refrigerated but the back is not going to be moved again tonight) and see if sleep will come...

sigh, life is like that sometimes...

narf...