sleep sucked

as tired as i was (and am) i was awakened much of the night by the lower back pains and finally after about eight hours the bladder overrode the pain of movement and i struggled to find a way to roll over and stand without so much pain that might pee on myself and somehow i shuffled to the bathroom in time... then i come out and do not want to lay down again because it was such a painful struggle to stand so i sit in the recliner and notice that the phone and laptop are unplugged and there are bones on the floor... jackson only put some of the food away and it looks like curious climbed up on the table and scattered a few rib bones... luckily happiness is gated in the bedroom or he might have choked or been very sick this morning as he is so old and has been on a very restricted diet for years and eating meat or bones hurts him and produces serious diarrhea and other issues that sometimes need an emergency vet visit (which i do not want to pay for and jackson cannot afford, but let's just keep avoiding the recurrent money issues {another year, nothing is changing, the same mistakes, the same issues} and stress for now as it does not help the back pains at all, not to mention the blood pressure) and so anyway, i hobbled to pick up the food on the carpet (cleaning will be left for another time) and get the crab rangoons to the fridge and get myself some water and here we are back in the recliner with the throbbing quite distracting... this could be a very long day and evening...

so reaching for distraction in spite of the pain of movement, i plug in the laptop and somehow get it on my lap (not being able to rotate the torso is quite an obstacle to many tasks) and here we are... and as if i didn't need any additional stress or interference in my attempt to distract myself from the pain and other life issues, kaspersky acts up again... yeah, so i wake the laptop at 4:59am and kaspersky starts a critical scan, a vulnerability scan, and an update at 4:59am preventing me from using the laptop until it is done which is the exact opposite of the setting i have set for kaspersky which is scan when idle, do not scan when not idle (or is that just wishful thinking because kaspersky does not offer that essential feature!!!)...

yes, three exclamation points... when i wake up i just may find that i am apparently quite updet with kaspersky again... i would be beside myself with frustration if it was not so painful to move... stop laughing, it hurts... breathing hurts... typing hurts... tired hurts... and coincidence or not, that entry (which for some reason was viewed more than any other since yesterday) reflects much of the moment except that i woke earlier than planned still wanting sleep but the back ache is keeping me awake...

and the pain is (and sleepiness and life stressors are) obviously sort of tainting the core mood of jubilation that still somehow dominates my inner experience of this life in spite of the influences to the contrary all around... still too stubborn to conform...

so all in all, it's a wonderful morning... but where is my party girl when i need her? :)

narf :)