turkey burgers with cheesy potatoes... yes, i am hoping it does not set back the kidneys or bladder or whatever is spitting out blood cuz i was hungry both physically and emotionally and it was time for some food... i did not order pizza or outside fast food, so that is a good thing for the economy... and the meal was semi-light... just felt like eating protein even though protein does put more pressure on the kidneys... emotionally, i am feeling alone... physically and financially, i am alone...
jackson stopped in for a minute to grab her clothes and happiness and will be away all weekend... i hope she is getting her work done because she is behind... not that i count on her for rent or anything anymore, but i don't want to see her go through the stress of losing a job... it's her life, i've offered help, but she ignores the offer (even when she asks for something, like a spreadsheet she asked for last week but she hasn't made time to be home to even ask about it)and continues playing... it is tough to watch someone i love self-destruct, but i can't change her habits for her... and this week i've got to wonder if her relationship is good for her... if she's changing habits, it is, but she hasn't changed the habit of ignoring rent and bills and me... i really never believed she would use me the way so many others have... we talked about whether we should sign this lease and she definitely wanted to commit to it for the year, but it seems like she didn't actually mean it... heck, i supposedly live with her and she doesn't even know i've been dealing with illness all month (and i wait on her hand and foot when she's sick, alas, i really am a taken for granted parent... again... lam... sigh)...
i want her to go where she wants to go, be with whom she wants to be with, and live the way she wants to live... i need to really consider finding a roommate who's actually going to pay a fair share of the bills each month... i could (and should) be living much more economically this year... what stings is she knows this and just ignores the hole she's putting me in... she's eating out and spending money freely as if we are not both supposed to be responsible for rent and bills... and finding out the company didn't even have me on the computer on the lease just ads insult to injury... she was listed as the primary lease holder like i wasn't even here... they certainly don't hesitate to take my checks for the full rent each month... and who cares right?... at least i have my blogging therapy to release my frustrations cuz i don't want to embarrass her by talking to anyone around here about it when they ask me how i am...
if you're reading jacks, i could make this a private entry if you want me to, but i've got to digest this frustration and writing is the way... when i stop writing, i am giving up hope on anyone ever really caring and not using me and taking me for granted... when i stop writing, i am writing off humanity and life... i mean, it's rent week again and ignoring bills doesn't make them go away and i deserve the respect of an explanation as to why i'm paying them all so much and yet you are routinely eating out and spending money so freely... hell, i at least deserve the respect from the people taking my check... they weren't even giving me credit for paying the rent...
what a world... people really just don't care (the verb) when the money runs out...
and somehow i keep hoping someone will...
Friday, May 3, 2013
a bit of a gamble and a vent
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5 comments:
just wanted you to know someone was here, someone read and heard you and someone cared.
thank you... i am torn about venting like this in my public blog here cuz family is family and she is family but i don't hide anything in my life (if i can help it) and it helps me so much to just chew it up and spit it out (it being the selfishness or negativity i find cuz, after all, i'm not perfect... and then i digest the healthy part and feel much better)... and it helps to know somebody cares and hears so putting it out here works this time...
it's so weird that the people who claim to care so much, friends and best friends, avoid getting real... nobody in the daily physical life cares to take ten minutes a day to get real (or read me),..
ten minutes of getting real every day is what friends should be able to do, best friends especially... but avoiding is what most (everybody i know) people do better than anything else...
wah wah wah, sigh and alas and all that... tantrum over... so move along now, nothing to see here...
narf :)
thanks :)
waking up today (was quite groggy and uninhibited last night), i am wondering... are you jacks or j or z or someone else?...
and lam for so casually sharing with you for you might even be someone i never communicated with before lol...
thanks again, whomever you are :)
awww... it's me, j . i'm not hiding, just lazy and economical about my typing because sometimes it's really that hard, but i just realized i've been hitting the anonymous button without even thinking about it.
I read that you're feeling some better, which I hope continues. I'm kind of repressing wanting to suggest seeing a doctor because i don't know if that would just be annoying or feel like being cared about, cuz I know it can feel both ways. But either way I do hope your body starts feeling better and that you feed it healthy things and give it lots of care .
kinda thought so, but thanks for letting me know :)
seeing a doctor costs money and with no income and no help with the rent or bills, so no doctor unless the body sends up code red signals... so far i am surviving on instinct as i have throughout most of this life and improvement is noted again today...
the concept of doctor is annoying for several reasons, but i know it's caring so thanks and thanks for understanding the dual edge it can be...
balancing :)
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