stromboli was never like this

obviously, i am going for distraction and did my best to forget how to think and or feel this past week and so i am mostly just typing words here and not really finding anything to say other than i wonder what i might look like sitting here semi-nude through the bandaid taped across the lens to someone hacking into my computer camera and turning it on... turning on?... so whatever may be may be, the future is a landslide falling all around us as we stand stationary in the present (or perhaps some of us are moving more than others) while gazing back at the past (too often for comfort for many) as if yesterday all our troubles were so far away when in reality troubles are all around us all the time and we choose, consciously and not, whether to notice and or empower them with our every decision as well as every move we make not to mention every breath we take so see me feel me touch me and heal me if you really care and understand the gist or the jist of whatever this was all about... yeah yeah yeah yeah... wait, i mean yeah yeah yeah yeah...

yeah, that's the ticket... got money?... consider this...

narf :)

it's about love

whatever your definition of love, mine is... queue the music lol lam laa lal :)

yes, and the laughter... music and laughter are essential to the definition of love (woah, that turned serious quickly)... ah, but living alone in love so long, i've forgotten how to sing a love song... it was so easy once... love is so many things, yeah... love is everything yeah... yeah... yeah... yeah... oh yeah?... yeah... lol... ok, so i don't have a definition for you at the moment and didn't have a definition for you when i first wrote the title which was yesterday or the day before or some other time than now and and i didn't have a definition you when i wrote the first seven words of this entry which was some time between then and now and i didn't have a definition for you when i started laughing the first time i came back to continue and queued the music and i don't even have the music for you (well, not all of it), but you still laugh with me and want to keep reading and enjoy spending time with me...

that's love too :)

just getting home

yeah, real time on the time date stamp, i am just setting a spell here at the come back spot, turn left at the cement pond and roll right along the black gold road to the humble abode (or is that hummable toad?) and lighten your load, you know, set a spell... yeah, so i am sooo tired, la dee da dee da... the song, i mean, you out there? (picture yourself in a bleary eyed stupor with ticklish knees and musical thighs... suddenly someone is there in the mirror, it's you with your innocent eyes... and if you've never found your innocent eyes, well, you've lost the most magical part of you and you just have to work harder at the sleep deprivation pleasure thing... check into it, you won't check out...

work, huh?... investigations took me away from my desk all day, so i stayed to get the reports done for the meeting tomorrow cuz, well, the meeting is tomorrow... i intend to leave before noon tomorrow... hopefully i am not forgetting any important meetings after the morning important meeting... of course nothing could possibly be more important than what jamie foxx said about miley cyrus, sheesh, radiohead hit the nail so right on the head once again, entitled is such an arrogant american thing... must have learned it from the french...

so sleep would really be the wise move now (or not move, to be more precise), but you know me, just getting home from work, midnight, time to be seriously wired... is pb&j and vegetable soup an odd mix for a midnight dinner?... yeah yeah yeahs have been on tv twice in one week (or more, perhaps, but i only caught them twice... on the big shows, no less... i used to love late night television... i've liked the yeah yeah yeahs too... yeah)...

aye?... oh, i see, an ironic turn of words, yeah...

hope you are enjoying your night as much as i am enjoying mine... do it, you know you can... yeah :)

working my way back to me, yeah

enjoying the olympics between foot and leg work... happiness and i took a few walks, but the heat slows him down at his age so no jogging with him... i did jog a bit, but more went to the gym twice and worked the fot and leg there... the main thing now is strengthening the leg muscles so i don't pull anything from the hamstring on down to the calf and achilles and the knee and ankle as well... and the foot ligaments that were torn come alone with the rest of the leg... also want to get the upper body back so i can swing the bat well without injury... so i did some upper body work but must get to batting cages to take swings... unfortunately the nearest cage is not around the corner so it'll cost gas and the cages themselves are not cheap... but i need the practice and even more, the muscles need the work... i shall go to play it again sports to get a practice weight for my bat, a heavy bat, and then i should start swinging daily even without pitches... work the muscles, yeah, that's the ticket...

would be easier and more fun if i had a friend to work out with me, especially if the friend was into softball, but jackson's been way too busy and i am not close enough to the rest of the teams, unfortunately... weird that none of the teams i am on are serious about practicing or exercising (even jackson isn't hard core), but then, i am into softball for the fun and i don't want hyper-competitive teams anymore... i just need to motivate myself to work out more and harder because i've laid off for so long because of the injury... yeah, that's the ticket...

lonely though...

and so still (still), these three entries should not be ignored (in case you are looking to leave some feedback, those are the three that would like the feedback the most of recent entries, ya see... and they kinda lead to other paths and you know)...

as the beatles said, yeah yeah yeah, yeah :)

fools don't fail me now

yeah, you, my favorite fools, you, my dear readers, my loyal devoted fans, my quiet friends, you are the ones who inspire me to dance (babble) and continue, you are the wind beneath my wings (blog entries), yeah, metaphors aside, you are vital to my continued existence (especially online), so visit, click on the links, check out what you may have missed (and other stuff too) if you have not been here recently (or forever, even)... actually, if you want to know which of the many dozens of blogs were updated in the past couple of months (or older and or perhaps even deeper or others, even) then you can find out by clicking on any one of these linked words...

yeah yeah yeah... yeah :)

back to group therapy

after taking off two seasons to rest my arm, i pitched for my sunday afternoon team again tonight... yeah, it was missed... yeah, i didn't give it the build up it deserved... yeah, it's the team jackson and i put together and have been playing on for many years, yeah, it was the first team back playing softball after years away, yeah, we won a championship back in 2009, yeah, we've gone through all sorts of changes and only a few of us are left from that team, and yeah, without me, they almost won another championship last season losing in the championship game by three runs,,, oh yeah, i naturally imagine we'd have won if i was playing (of course, how else could this dream sequence conclude>)...

yeah, so anyway, it was so good to be back... we won 17-3, giving up the three runs on errors... i was 2 for 3 with a few rbi, yay me (hey, it's my blog, my delusions of grandeur, who else should i cheer for, after all)... but in the end, yay group therapy (that's the name of our team... and might be the punch line of the entry if i was not so egocentric, aye?)...

fact is, we had fun most every game the past bunch of year whether we won or lost and it is good to be back, even if we might not be back again because the league is managed poorly and the officiating is poor amateur and the teams are poorly balanced (long stories i must have shared in previous posts)... and we had fun tonight with our somewhat new lineup... the bottom line is i was just happy to be playing softball again... such a kid i am, huh?...

are we having fun yet? :)

working from home

ok, so working from home works on many levels... it allows much better focus and much more productivity as there are just a half dozen interruptions (texts and phone calls for help from the newer managers) and also a great break from the piles of work that will take a month or two to catch up with and a refreshing mental health day as it feels less pressured and like a gift to take breaks for a shower and meal (without spending money)... overall, a good decision and I believe what needed to get done at work was done based on the feedback i got... i need to feed myself (give myself time) more to maintain balance... now that i have a management team i can trust, the balance is becoming much easier to find... of course here it is 8pm and i am just winding up the day that started at 6am, so working from home days are as long as office days, but there are more meaningful and restful breaks so a great day...

happiness did not cooperate though... maybe it's cuz he was excited to have me here, but he pooped all over the patio... the good news is he went out on the patio to do it (so turning off the air and opening the door in spite of the temperature was a wise move)... the bad news is there are seven splotches to be disinfected after cleaning and whiping up the poop... yeah, a lot... that's life with a 16 going on 17 year old puppy... but we love him and keep him alive as long as he's still got puppy spring in his step now and then and his big smile most of the time...

ah, after the babbling (i'm told it was revealing, am i naked yet?... metaphorically, of course) of the previous entries going back a week or two, we are back to the mundane details (perhaps even tmi, but hey, i didn't post pictures ya know lol) of life... against all odds, i still hope for the one who wants to know every detail past, present, and future and so, i put lots of details here in this blog... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

good day, stinky, but good :)

and then you keep wondering

do i want to get up again?... or would it be better just to sit here until the end of the end, do you have a friend, who doesn't pretend?... in this world of greed and corruption the heart is the last one to know so afraid of all the pain when people come only to go there is no permanence here just transient fools passing through without clues no big deal what if nothing is real what then, how would you feel?... feel the illusion, feelings are made in your mind anyway... your heart pumps the chemicals your brain needs to come out and play... create what you want to see, who you want to be, there is nothing but you in your way for everything is fantasy if you understand the life your live today... so what if it suddenly ends, others move on maybe sad for a moment or few or even longer but what about you, why should you care, you might be somewhere else or you might be nowhere yeah, maybe nowhere so make it whatever you want it to be, your heaven or hell, torture yourself or set yourself free for whatever you choose it's not win or lose, it is whatever will be... maybe nothing... maybe everything... maybe me... just be...

sometimes i just wanna get away
from the run around race of the working day
sometimes i just want to be somewhere
i don't have to think or feel or care
somewhere i don't have to choose to be
somewhere i can just experience free
can you experience free?

nothing to gain, nothing to lose, your choice so what do you choose?... choose anything or choose not to choose, accept or refuse...

yeah yeah yeah yeah, koo koo ka choose...

narf :)

musical afternoon

musical afternoon
yes, another musical afternoon and i'm loving every minute of it jerry (hanging out there too)... i believe this was friday afternoon, though it just might have been saturday afternoon, i mean, for the record and posterity and all... as if time matters... as if anyone reads all this, right?.. wait, of course you do, everyone does... and since you just cannot make it through your day without knowing just what is happening in every little detail of this ever so exciting hardly-anything-changes existence i've been living this year, i shall share the songs on this mix so far (and the order and even the certainty that every one of these songs will stay on this mix is not definite, so the finished mix might be different as contents do settle in shipping)... for the record and your further knowledge, (?) means the song might stay on in the mix, but might be moved to another location in the flow of the words and music... (??) means the song might not stay in the mix and might be moved if it does... (???) means why in the heck is this song here in the first place, but let's listen to the mix again cuz maybe there's a deeper reason... yeah, the science of making mixes is not exacting, but hey, is anything?...

Guster - Come Downstairs and say Hello
Karly Summers - Not Giving In
Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
Avril Lavigne - Innocence
Meg & Dia - The Place Where I Feel Most Like Me
Andy Williams - The Impossible Dream
Billy Joel - Honesty
BeeGees - I Started A Joke
Sammy Davis Jr - I've Gotta Be Me (?)
Harry Chapin - Sounds Like America to Me
The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (?)
Neil Young - Don't Let It Bring You Down
Simon & Garfunkel - The Sounds of Silence
Kelly Clarkson - Irvine
Meg & Dia - Nineteen Stars (?)
Kelly Clarkson - Anytime
The Waterboys - Somebody Might Look Back
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Mandy Moore - Only Hope
Don McLean - Vincent
The Waterboys - Stolen Child
Guster w/Colorado Symphony - Come Downstairs and Say Hello
Don McLean - Castle in the Air (?)
The Beatles - Because

it is still a mix in progress, so don't go carving it in stone just yet... or do, and if it changes that'll be a different mix... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.... so what else is new? :)

who loves ya, baby?

whatever may come to be revealed in the uninhibited babbling in the middle of the night, those closest in time and space may not even notice as this blog is lost in obscurity, oblivious to awareness in the daily physical life shared in daily physical time and space... hi jackson, love you, love us, have you ever been here?... such a strange love affair i share with words... and everybody else i know, curly, harpo, helena, so many others (don't feel bad if i didn't mention your imaginary name, i didn't even know you were here cuz i promised i would not read your mind, remember?)... you say you want to know me, love me, keep in touch and yet, here i am... da boogey man sharing freely in the middle of da night, ya ya ya, yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah...

someone noticed this one recently, so maybe it's you... you must remember this, however, however old and faded and worn the concept, it is nonetheless still the most true of all... just listen to your heart, as mail order annie said, or was that dreamboat annie... hey annie, where did you go?... come on, the references abound, or else, just be who you are and be real... come a little bit closer, why don'tcha? (don't ask me why... or do, even) wouldn't it be amazing if we all reached out and touched someone at the same time?... or maybe, just reach out and touch someone...

amy, shari, barb, where are you?... ray and tom and turk and steve?... heidi, bobbie, and yeah, you sandy... when did we forget how to believe?... gail and all the little ones not so little anymore, how can i be sure, in this world that is constantly changing, why are none of you knocking on my door?... i could name so many others, still my sisters and brothers, but the point of this message may already be clear... there is always hope (i hope) for more sharing cuz you can find me caring about you here... there's always more love waiting for you... right here... we see what we wanna see...


so anyway, i loves ya, baby... and your little dog too . . .

narf :)

good morning, good morning, ouch

referencing an old song, yeah... not yeah yeah yeah... yeah, but good morning, good morning, yah... as in nothing to do, it's up to you... i've got nothing to say, but it's ok (and so rarely do i give this much information about an obscure song reference, aye?... in fact, most of the time i don't even mention there was a song reference at all... must be wanting to help out any newbies who may be among us)...

jackson called to check up on me, urged me to go to the doctor, and ask if i needed anything before she heads out of town... yay... when she stopped in last night she found out i was peeing blood and it raised her concern level... my not going to the doctor frustrates her... but the good news is there's less blood this morning... urine is not as dark as yesterday... garlic and cranberry must be helping... and so far, no apparent negative effects from eating meat and potatoes and pineapple...

time to fill the water bottles and force more water down my throat... keeping up the more than a gallon a day is not as easy as it might seem when there is very little exercise going on... it is a good morning, good morning, though... hope yours is or was good too :)

narf :)

it was yesterday

so i woke up today after about twelve hours of somewhat broken sleep still feeling more refreshed than i have in months and i checked my phone and responded to some work texts and emails and then i wandered into my personal emails and found nothing exciting (or personal) and then the looking around at the momentary reality and the big picture reality and thinking happened... yeah, that again... jackson would be rolling her eyes and then who knows... most people instantly go into fight or flight mode... anyway, some seriously revealing seriousness might have emerged if it is uploaded somewhere and you can find it (and that's not it though it might be linked within it cuz otherwise it is akin to the tree that falls in the forest that nobody hears if you know that old story... oh sure, someone might stumble across it someday when it is home to all sorts of woodland creatures and critters and mossy stuffs, but only then might it exist in another form, not as the tree it is today, whenever that is or was... as much as it can be it or the this or that, yeah yeah yeah yeah, but that's a horse from a different feather so so let's tickle elmo later and focus on whatever it was we came here to say)... lost?... might as well watch the day of the doctor and forget the whole thing ever happened, or something like that...

narf :)

another yummy surprise

actually the same asian buffet (it's the wild rice buffet at 843 Lee Rd. Orlando, FL 32810 and it has an excellent price to product ratio as there are at least eight serving tables with a dozen dishes on each and then a separate choose-your-own hibachi area, choose-your-own asian noodle soup area, a sushi area, and a couple of dessert tables including soft and hard ice cream all for under $10 including a soft drink and tax for lunch and under $12 for dinner ($1 more fri/sat nights, $3.99 per pound more for steamed crab at dinner) and very fair discounts for children... excellent prices for the selection and the quality is above average and the cleanliness is well above average) that i found yesterday as six of us went out to eat after practice and two of us knew and liked the asian buffet so the other four players followed us there and everybody was happy with it so yay, two days in a row of yummy asian buffet definitely reminded me how much i love buffets, especially asian buffets...

yeah, i like them enough to link them like this and unintentionally, on urban spoon, and even like this, yeah, yeah yeah yeah... hope you had something yummy today too :)

just a day off

and it has me so excited... oh, what a weird life this is, that we toil away at monotonous jobs for most of our lives (though some jobs are more mono than others and mine is rather unpredictable compared to most, which is one reason i love it, but even so, too much of anything makes a dull warthog, boy too) when life can be so much more wonderful and exciting and meaningful if we could just explore it in all it's diversity with most of our time... yeah, yeah, yeah... yeah lol...

must sleep tonight in spite of being wired... got just enough done at work and then the softball team finally won another game... we played a poor hitting team and in spite of a few errors, i struck out like eight or more and we won by a few runs... i got on three times, knocked in two runs, but two of the times there were bases loaded and i had to sprint to beat a double play both times... so i hit ok, not great, but pitched very well and we won (yay) and then, stopped for taco bell again (shhhh) and then, the second harry potter movie was on when i got home and we watched half of it before they (jackson and friend) fell asleep... and then, early day tomorrow at harry potter world at universal studios ya ya ya :)

i'll try to get to sleep eventually :)

you? :)

morning unbroken

oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah, and all the memories sweetly return… so I slept a few hours and run out the door to work now with music on my mind… may your day be as wonderful as mine already is :)

no really, what's it to ya? :)

as in, the previous entry that still had more to say but i paused to sleep and still did not sleep anyway and here we are some nine hours later after ffour and a half hours on the field and still i want more with no sleep and a bum foot throbbing and four and a half hours pitching and hitting and round the horn infield practice and more pitching and more hitting and playing second base in the heat and humidity older than anyone else out there and at the fields longer than anyone else out there (cuz i practiced with two different teams), i still want more... not i could probably fall asleep for an hour but i want to write and need to be back on the road to pick up jackson in two hours so i may babble a bit or i may nod off and hope the alarm wakes me... but i still want more (being insatiable and relentlessly stubborn has always been my saving grace for even at my lowest most helpless moments in this life i simply will not be satisfied giving up for long... even when it is starting to make more and more sense as the years pass, stubborn makes me the fool who won't completely quit and always wanting more makes me the fool who just won't close all the doors on hope for finding the more i am looking for... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

could be i've simply learned to hide how unbelievable wonderful i am so well that nobody actually sees or knows how unbelievably wonderful i am... so maybe i am finally just normal and average and conforming like everybody else... innocuous living breeds in the numbness, numbness leads to peace and happiness...

fulfillment, as most people know, comes after death...so what's it to ya?...

narf :)

imagery

with thousands of images to choose from on this laptop and tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands on various other hard drives and computers here and in storage, not to mention billions of pictures on the web, it's a wonder i have not opened an photo-image blog before and it's probably a repression of my love of photography tied in with my loss of stuff and music and such but it's not time for in-depth analysis or introspection, i'm just noting that after having just a few entries in it for a few months i am finally kicking off (just a bit) the new imagery blog and while i see a dozen paths for divergence, it's a start...

and you know how it goes, yeah yeah yeah, yeah :)

want sex?

doesn't everybody?... practice may not actually make perfect cuz there is no such thing, but practice is better than nothing so get to it... the obstacle for me is emotional baggage, though i am not sure if the baggage is mine or everyone elses... what gets in the way of your sex?... fear?... religion?... stupidity?... all pretty much the same to me and i probably have a fair amount of stupidity and fear going on, but whatever, right?... the sad conflict i find in the way is a lack of trust and clarity and rational reason and separation between sexual pleasure and social obligations... whoever invented the idea that sex means ownership was quite stupid, insecure, and/or greedy, among other warped thinking... alas, i tired of the demands obligations strings expectations and whatever we'd like to call the possessiveness that seems to come with sex and so i am alone... feel free to come along if you come without strings attached... can you live and share and trust and love in the moment?...

or do you need strings, promises and rules, silver and gold things, delusions of fools, what do you need to overcome your fear?... alcohol or drugs or just pretense in your ear?... it makes no sense to me that you restrict yourself so much... it makes no sense to me how afraid you are to touch... i will not play your games and if that leaves me alone i will accept the truth i know and make love on my own... living in the moment is making the moment the most it can be... share and trust and love in the moment and you may understand ecstasy...

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

thank you for referring visitors

thank you for sending me visitors (even if you did not mean to, perhaps it was just that random next blog link at the top of your blog, but you appear to be the referring page so i thank you... and in my own peculiar and harmless way, i could so easily fall in love with each one of you...









there were lots of other non-blogs that popped up on the list of referring pages and so often when i visit for a few moments i wish i know more, shared more, and of course, when i find a couple in love i wish i was part of a couple in love too cuz deep down, i was made to love and love is all there is, it's all i've got (and all i want), yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... but it's not just love and lovers and dreamers (and me) i fall in love with, i love designs and ideas and the sharing of all the wonders we can share (including words) in our online worlds...

so much potential for sharing, for caring, for loving, for coming together and becoming what dreams may come... and it all starts with a page view... a mobile base would help too, and a comment, so much can be said in a comment...

watching movies tonight

across the universe, double indemnity, the postman always rings twice, breaking bad, ... across the universe wins... nobody beats the beatles... what's that?...

nobody beats the beatles... and this is what that inspired...

yeah yeah yeah... yeah...

it comes out of the blue if you understand how true true love can be...

so for no apparent reason (or perhaps because the rainmaker came on after across the universe and a few songs came to mind), i suddenly find myself comparing the rainmaker to my cousin vinny but joe pesce is not danny devito and matt damon is not marisa tomei or is it joe pesce is not matt damon and danny devito is not marisa tomei, still, clare danes turns me on... but if you lived in those times, may you know the score, it would be like magic, if there was no more war... across the universe...

or even just here on this planet... soon please?... and to get there, to be clear, become aware, overcome fear, and know all you need is love... what?...

all you need is love :)